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Life is combusting

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devastated717 posted 10/30/2019 10:10 AM

I am so lost, I am so despondent and I donít have any hope. D day was October 4th and itís been a waking nightmare ever since then. My husband found that I had sexted an ex in 2010 and 2011, he discovered the pictures in my email. I had a sexually explicit online chat with the same person when we were engaged and it wrecked him, so the fact that I did it again after we were married, but this time with pictures, is something he says he cannot get past. We are in counseling but he is 100 percent dead set on divorce. We have twin 4 year olds and another one who is going to be 7 this weekend. We are almost done renovating our dream home, he is my best friend , and everything is all gone. We have this marathon sessions that go on for ours where heís yelling at me, telling me Iím a slut, a monster.... itís hard to take but I know heís angry and needs to get that out. I have been cooking for him, trying to care for him as best I can. We havenít told parents yet. Once he tells his family, itís really happening. I canít eat, I canít sleep, my heart is so broken. My reckless, selfish choices have ruined the lives of the people I love the most. I told him that after the last incident in 2011 I did a program that helped me realize these were self destructive things I was doing because we were going to have kids and I wanted to be better. He said that didnít matter, I still did it. I am looking into my whys, and I donít know when those will be helpful for my husband. I tried to say that those were dark, depressing times and I felt alienated from him, but he took that as a justification. I donít think he will ever listen to me when I say I love him, but I did something awful that hurt him years ago. I did it. I made horrible selfish choices. I took him for granted, and now that itís all gone I really see what a fool I was. I have taken something from my kids I can never give them back- a Chance to be raised by mommy and daddy, together. I never healed him from my first betrayal, and that eroded our intimacy and I never rebuilt trust. With this new revelation, his sense of manhood is crushed, and that there are no happy memories of our marriage. The bittersweet part about this is that I feel like we are finally having frank and honest conversations about the difficulties our marriage has faced ( like lack of sex) and I realize how much my unresolved issues have affected him. He said in therapy that he would have gone on forever with those problems, but the pictures are the thing he wonít move past. He has them seared in his brain. I am just so lost. I canít fathom being without him, not seeing my kids all the time, living alone. Iím a SAHM so I havenít worked in like 12 years and now I donít know what Iím going to do. I just have to take everything one minute at a time. I feel like Iím having a never ending panic attack and I am trapped in a parallel universe. I feel like I canít do this but I know I have to pick myself off the floor for my children.

Maia posted 10/30/2019 11:24 AM

Welcome to SI.

the first days after D-day are terrible. Focus on just getting through this hour. Focus on staying present for your kids. Do not panic.

You are going to come out of this all right. It might not feel that way now, but whatever happens. you will be okay.

don't try to prove anything or change his mind about anything. let him process.

ChanceAtLife35 posted 10/30/2019 12:18 PM

devastated717,

I am terribly sorry you are here. First off, take a slow deep breath. I can feel that your emotions are everywhere. This will be a long painful journey for you, but being on this site, getting the right support, and taking care of YOU will help you heal and be a better person. Please do everything to take care of yourself first. Sounds like you are very dependent on your BH in many ways. What ways have you done things for you to allow you to see your self worth? Deep down, what in your mind thought sending those pictures were you wanting from your ex? What is the relationship dynamic between you and your husband? Be patient and give yourself time too to process things. Your BH is very hurt, but remember you can't heal him from this.

BraveSirRobin posted 10/31/2019 08:09 AM

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I've spent the past year working with my BH to recover from years-later revelations about my premarital A. I didn't cheat a second time, but I did withhold important information on D-Day that could have influenced whether he decided to marry me or break it off. The discovery that I was capable of manipulating him on that level, marrying him and having kids without telling him who his wife really was, absolutely flattened him. And it's something I can never change. Even if he had decided to divorce me, he'd never get a do-over for the years I took away.

I am incredibly lucky to have a BH who wants to forgive me and appears to be able to do it. Not all BS have both the desire and the ability (it's especially hard on them, frankly, when they want to but just can't, because then they often blame themselves for that). It might be that yours really is done forever after the second strike, or it might be that some time apart makes him feel like he can give it a shot. It's just too early to know.

All you can do is work on yourself and be a supportive co-parent. Own your shit to your friends and family when it all blows up. Never blame him for your choices. You don't have to rewrite history to pretend you were happy, but you do have to figure out why you ever thought that unhappiness entitled you to self-soothe with OM. Doing that work can only benefit you, even if it's too late to benefit your marriage.

I'm really sorry, Devastated. I know it's a very frightening place to be, but you will be ok.

Zugzwang posted 11/1/2019 22:42 PM

Push past the excuse of unhappiness and the marriage if you want any chance at all. You chose to take your husband for granted and to take advantage of him for much more personal reasons than marriage issues. Even marriage issues have your own personal ownership. Never use he or the marriage. Use I. I lacked...because I didn't...xyz for myself. It is never anyone elses job to make you happy.

devastated717 posted 11/1/2019 23:20 PM

Thanks everyone. These are such dark times, I pray we can get through this but Iíve just fucked everything up too much. Iím going to fight like hell to improve myself though. That has to happen with or without reconciliation

Maia posted 11/4/2019 15:02 PM

I've always said it isn't about who you will be with. It's about who you will become.

it's very true. I'm rooting for you.

devastated717 posted 11/4/2019 15:19 PM

Thank you. We had our sons birthday this weekend, my mom stayed with us and we got through it ok. My mom commented on how thin I was and how tired I looked, Iím about 105 pounds right now. We have counseling tonight and Wednesday, and then I have IT twice this week. I dread the marriage counselor. He just isnít budging on divorcing, so sometimes it seems like counseling is useless, but I guess itís good that heís going at all. Itís hard not to hate myself for ruining my life for something so pointless. This is hell. Absolute hell. Four weeks to the day since my world was turned upside down and I lost everything that mattered. But Iím working my ass off on improving myself.

Maia posted 11/5/2019 09:34 AM

keep posting devastated. Pour out your thoughts. Sometimes it's easier to deal with them when you write them out.

Abhorrent posted 11/5/2019 09:59 AM

I understand that it has only been a few weeks so you are in a panic about the destruction you caused.You are in pure crisis mode. You need to stablize yourself and just put one foot in front of the other right now. Deep breaths, prayer/meditation, eat well. Try to sleep. You don't work outside the home, so nap whenever possible. You can do this.

And then, then...start to consider your husband. What I see when I read your words is that your thoughts are all about how YOU are feeling. What YOU are losing. YOUR heart is broken? Really? Girl.

Do you want to reconcile? Do you care about you husband at all? Or do you just not want him to leave because you're afraid you cannot financially and logistically make it on your own?

These are tough questions.

If you do want to save the marriage because you care about your husband, then you need to take a good hard look at your own thoughts and motivations. You need a heavy dose of empathy. I can recognize this because I am in the same boat. Same exact boat. I get it. I need these lessons myself. What I would suggest, once you have stabilized yourself some, is to go to the betrayed side and read. Read, read, read. Try your very best to put yourself in your husband's shoes. Try to wrap your head around what he must be feeling. Focus on his needs. I know it's hard, but try not to focus on feeling sorry for yourSELF (because, afterall, you createed this mess) - try to focus on him. And what you can do to become a safe partner for him.

I'm with you on this journey. I am only a month ahead of you. We got this.


Buzzy posted 11/5/2019 10:31 AM

Keep on hoping and trying, if it had not been for the kids my wife would have been out of our home yet 14 months later we are 80% reconcilled, we have some issues to work through but i am very hopeful it can be the same for you, let him scream at you it is the anger speaking not his heart, give it and him time.

Keep posting this site has given me some insights even if i dont always agree.

devastated717 posted 11/5/2019 17:44 PM

The hurt that I have caused him is the worst. He's the person I love the most, and I hurt him the most. I am working hard to show him through my actions that I am a safe person, a reliable person, a trustworthy person. I listen to him and I am not defensive. I am trying to anticipate all of his needs and meet them through acts of caring. We are seeing a MC twice a week, and I'm working with an IC to sort out my issues. I am very focused on him, but of course my own pain and devastation are feelings that I have to deal with. I ruined my life, I ruined his life. He is totally not budging on the divorce issue, but I am going to hold on to hope as long as I can. He is a good man, and didn't deserve what I did to him, or the heartbreak he is experiencing now. I hate myself.

Zugzwang posted 11/6/2019 06:49 AM

He's the person I love the most, and I hurt him the most. I am working hard to show him through my actions that I am a safe person, a reliable person, a trustworthy person.

None of that is going to make sense or be true to him this soon after Dday. Just look at it from his POV. You are safe? Why now? You should have always been safe. You are reliable? Why now? Because you have been caught and he isn't going to let you cake eat? We claim alot after the fact and it really isn't true yet. He isn't going to see any of that after you proved the opposite. I would also evaluate the claim of love. What you did to him wasn't love. You claim it now and it might no be worth much to him. You love him like a dog with a bone. A very unhealthy object love. You didn't love him enough to choose to not hurt him and that is what he wants you to see, admit, and focus on. Who you chose to become. Not who you claim to become in the future.

Maia posted 11/6/2019 08:50 AM

devastated,

you can't hate yourself. I understand the impulse and have done a lot of self-flagellation myself, so I know what you mean.

But it's a cowards way out. You have to forgive yourself. Forgiveness says, What you did was wrong. And I'm not going to punish you for it.

Forgiveness lets go of self-hatred.

it's only when you forgive yourself that you can heal and change.

Accept your husband's choices. Give him space. Work on you. You can do this.

keep writing.

[This message edited by Maia at 8:51 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

devastated717 posted 11/6/2019 10:56 AM

You're right, I didn't love him enough to not hurt him. I would not have done what I did if I prioritized him and our marriage.

Who I am going to be doesn't matter, its who I was that matters. And that person was selfish and dishonest. I am a selfish and dishonest person. And I deserve what is coming to me. My husband and my children do not deserve it, but what is happening is because of the choices that I made. I had a great life, and I could have been with my sweet family forever, but I messed it up. The hurt that I am bringing to my husband is unimaginable. The hurt that my children will experience is unimaginable. And its all because of me. I know I need to forgive myself, but that's going to take a long time. Im glad I'm in IC. Ive started going twice a week. Sorting through all of my shit is going to be messy and hard but I have to. I have to be a better person. I have to make better choices and be who I need to be, for my children. Its probably too late to save my marriage, but my boys are really little and they need me.

Im glad I'm here, these forums are really helpful, and I appreciate all the advice and support. Reading the betrayed side posts are also really helpful in helping me better understand what my husband is going through. I need to respect the fact that he wants to leave. I haven't brought up R, I'm just hoping that with every day that he doesn't tell his family or file, that hope for us is still alive. So its one day at a time.

BluesPower posted 11/6/2019 11:39 AM

You're right, I didn't love him enough to not hurt him. I would not have done what I did if I prioritized him and our marriage.
Who I am going to be doesn't matter, its who I was that matters. And that person was selfish and dishonest. I am a selfish and dishonest person. And I deserve what is coming to me. My husband and my children do not deserve it, but what is happening is because of the choices that I made. I had a great life, and I could have been with my sweet family forever, but I messed it up. The hurt that I am bringing to my husband is unimaginable. The hurt that my children will experience is unimaginable. And its all because of me. I know I need to forgive myself, but that's going to take a long time. Im glad I'm in IC. Ive started going twice a week. Sorting through all of my shit is going to be messy and hard but I have to. I have to be a better person. I have to make better choices and be who I need to be, for my children. Its probably too late to save my marriage, but my boys are really little and they need me.

Im glad I'm here, these forums are really helpful, and I appreciate all the advice and support. Reading the betrayed side posts are also really helpful in helping me better understand what my husband is going through. I need to respect the fact that he wants to leave. I haven't brought up R, I'm just hoping that with every day that he doesn't tell his family or file, that hope for us is still alive. So its one day at a time.

Listen I know that you are hurting, I get it.

And frankly, I know what your H feels to an extent. I know what you are feeling to an extent.

And yes, what you did was very wrong.

BUT come on, you are acting like you banged everyone in the city, and it is a large city.

Unless you are lying, and there is more to tell, I think you are taking this to a level that is somewhat extreme...

I am not saying that you your H does not have the right to divorce, but we all have that right.

I am just saying that you need a little perspective.

Take a breath, do your best for your husband, but pull yourself together and start thinking more clearly...


[This message edited by BluesPower at 11:40 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

devastated717 posted 11/6/2019 11:59 AM

My BH can't live with the fact that I sent photos of myself to another man. He is a very moral person and this goes against his core values. He considers himself a cuckold and that I never loved him if I even thought about another man. I don't think he's going to change his mind. Even though this happened almost a decade ago its very fresh to him, and he says he can't stay married to me even though part of him will always love me. I betrayed his trust, more than once. He is so angry and hurt. He has every right to be. I do hope for the sake of our small children we can get through this but its been so awful, I don't know.

JBWD posted 11/6/2019 12:12 PM

Who I am going to be doesn't matter, its who I was that matters.

This all depends on how you approach it. What you need to recognize is that time, believe it or not, HASNíT stopped. As such, who you are ALWAYS changes. It changed for the worse, but it can also change for the better. And you can exert more control over THAT change than you can over ANYTHING ELSE in your life.

Itís gonna hurt, my friend. Thatís not wrong. Youíre coming to terms with what you did, and a lot of us are especially shocked that this is what we became. I fight the self-pity a lot when I compare where I am today with where I expected I would be 18 months ago looking AT today. But that comparison is where I start to lose out, and I have learned to stop that thinking. And hopefully you will to.

Weíre playing a very shitty hand, and itís all the worse because itís one that we dealt. But who you are today and who you become matter because THATíS the you that youíre going to be living with from this day on. Itís hard to imagine a day where you canít be reminded of the horrible things youíve done, but if you allow yourself to change for the better it will make a difference in your life.

I know getting past/through this seems daunting, and itís fucking hard. Itís gonna get worse. But if we view our existence as a gift and something to be grateful for and relish in, the pain must be accepted as temporary. You will have to let yourself heal, and that might be without your BH as a partner. Let go of outcomes, be grateful for what you can see, and know that weíre here to prop you up when your legs start to wobble.

BluesPower posted 11/6/2019 12:58 PM

My BH can't live with the fact that I sent photos of myself to another man. He is a very moral person and this goes against his core values. He considers himself a cuckold and that I never loved him if I even thought about another man. I don't think he's going to change his mind. Even though this happened almost a decade ago its very fresh to him, and he says he can't stay married to me even though part of him will always love me. I betrayed his trust, more than once. He is so angry and hurt. He has every right to be. I do hope for the sake of our small children we can get through this but its been so awful, I don't know.

I understand that the things you say in this post are true.

He has every right to divorce you and he may. However, you have to do your best for him and your children.

And in order to do that, you need to start thinking clearly.

While I think some of your H's feelings may be over the top, who am I or anyone to say that. And it is true that for him, It just happened.

What I am saying to you is, start thinking clearly, and pull yourself together.

I get that you feel horrible, with reason, but take a breath and center yourself...


devastated717 posted 11/6/2019 14:14 PM

Trying to center myself. Staying busy today has helped. We have counseling this evening at 5, which I always dread bc itís always so terrible. But heís showing up, and we are doing the work.

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