Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

I

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5

chelsea9 posted 10/30/2019 11:10 AM

787Mike you said it all in one sentence: Sheís in it up to her eyeballs.

Her. Not you. Not your kids.

Your job is to protect yourself and more particularly your kids and you need to stop playing the what if this/what if that game and seek legal advice because you need to keep them well away from him, regardless of the consequences to her. Because those consequences and the results of the decisions she has made are on her, not you.

So stop trying to predict what happens next or, gently, to pine for the old her (because she has gone) and focus on what needs to be done for you and your kids, who are the only people you owe anything.

Buster123 posted 10/30/2019 11:11 AM

This guys up for parole and he has a girlfriend waiting for him outside who I also believe is abit crazy. My wife knows that her feelings for him are wrong but she fears that cutting contact with him is dangerous. She knows all about his life his past and his family.

Listen all you're doing is making excuses not to act, and let me tell you the last thing a convicted felon who's been in jail for a decade and who is up for parole wants it's, you guessed it, having that parole revoked acting stupid just for a piece of ass.

You keep asking what you should do and EVERYONE here is telling you but you refuse to do it, forget your WW, she's gone and unhinged, that should not be your problem now, protect your kids, if you get full custody, she will most likely have to pay child support, besides, you could hire a nanny or ask for government assistant if you can't afford it on your own, all that's better than have a convicted and violent felon have access to your kids, just in case you missed it:

GET A LAWYER AND FILE FOR D, GO FOR FULL CUSTODY and let the chips fall where they may, you and your children deserve so much better than a crazy WW pining for a convicted felon, she's not fit to care for those children, they need at least one stable parent, that's YOU, you're the only one they've got left now, FIGHT for THEM.

Marz posted 10/30/2019 11:46 AM

Your wife put you and your kids in this mess. Take charge and use every available resource to protect you and your kids.

You can't fix her or her issues. Kids need a strong father to protect them. Better wake up!!!!!

Marz posted 10/30/2019 11:47 AM

GET A LAWYER AND FILE FOR D, GO FOR FULL CUSTODY and let the chips fall where they may, you and your children deserve so much better than a crazy WW pining for a convicted felon, she's not fit to care for those children, they need at least one stable parent, that's YOU, you're the only one they've got left now, FIGHT for THEM.

Wise advice.

MamaDragon posted 10/30/2019 12:36 PM

See a lawyer immediately regarding custody of your children.

You do not want a convicted criminal around your children...at least not until he proves to be trustworthy.

Also start divorce proceedings - she can't make up her mind? Do it for you. If she was fired for an inappropriate relationship, it was more than just giving her snap chat info out. Inmates are not allowed phones - and she would have been given at least two written reprimands prior to being fired. At least that is how it works in my state.

As far as being together when they get out, you can always sit in on his parole hearing or write a letter to the parole board and let them know what has happened. You never know, it might have an impact on his parole.

Most of these inmates just want attention while incarcerated, most never follow through with going and being with their "girlfriends" on the outside, they normally go home to the girl they left when they were put in jail. Hopefully this is the case (so you don't have to worry about your kids)

Seriously see a lawyer like yesterday.

cocoplus5nuts posted 10/30/2019 12:55 PM

says she has feelings for him and that if she ends this now he could tell authorities and she could land in jail herself.


Too fucking bad for her. Guess she should've thought about that before getting involved with a criminal. What has she done that could send her to jail? Is she already doing illegal things for him?

You are not ruining her life. You are saving your children. She's not even collateral damage from that since she created this entire situation.

She is lying to you. All these things she's telling you are excuses to get you to leave her alone so she can continue her relationship with this criminal. She admits she has feelings for him. She is still in contact with him. She's doing things for him while he's in jail. She has no intention of ending this relationship.

She will bring him to your home with your children.

You have to work from the assumption that everything she says is a lie. You can't bet your children's lives in the hope that a proven liar is suddenly telling the truth.

787Mike posted 10/30/2019 12:56 PM

Thank you everyone Iím
Sorry Iíve not acted fast enough. Iíve gone through a full year of hell and Iíve been on the brink of suicide over all this. I really have. My kids are all that have stopped me doing it and the love I have for my wife even though sheís created this mess. Iím going to get myself a solicitor and act now. But if u hear of some prisoner getting out in north west Uk who killed a man for being a grass youíll know I reached out here first. Thanks for your advice guys.

Marz posted 10/30/2019 13:04 PM

Duplicate

[This message edited by Marz at 1:05 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Marz posted 10/30/2019 13:04 PM

Go full force and protect your kids from this the best you can.

Under the circumstances use everything against her.

Stop projecting. I lover her so much she has to love me too. Her actions tell you different.

I suspect you are just a placeholder until he gets out.

KingofNothing posted 10/30/2019 13:32 PM

Mike. Mike. Mike... wake the f*ck up, man. You can't allow this. You may think your wife is still invested in your marriage but it's pretty evident just from the little nuggets posted here and there that she isn't. For starters, it appears you are separated. That's actually a good thing.

A few months after I found out she was still in contact with him and I was devastated that she had lied to Me time and time again. She says she cares about him And wants to be with him when he gets out and that she canít turn her feelings off. She loves me but wants him?

Mike, someone who loves you doesn't do stuff like this. Have you even started asking her what was missing in her life that she would betray her family and marriage to take up with a felon?


He was In for armed robbery then later absconded from An open prison. Heís served close to 10 years and heís only 28.

THIS is Mom's new friend???? THIS is the guy she'll be bringing home? Don't say "She promises she won't let him near our children..." You KNOW she can't keep that promise! Hell, she "promised" she'd be faithful to you at some point, and how did that turn out? She can't shelter your children from him for the rest of time. Sooner or later she's going to expose your children to a violent ex-con. You sure you want that, Mike?

If I go to a lawyer with what I know Iíll wreck her life which will wreck the kids lives which will wreck mine too as a result.

Are you sure about this? Have you even spoken to a lawyer yet? Doesn't the safety of your own children concern you?

Iím stuck and also going to get threats from him and Iím pretty soft. I just want all this to go away but she is saying she doesnít know what she wants!

Mike, it's pretty clear what she wants. She wants you to eat a shit sandwich, and smile and nod while she has a relationship with a violent ex-offender, you keep paying the bills and don't make waves. That's what she wants, sir. She may not be saying that, but when your WW says "I don't know what I want", it's to play for time. They almost always know what they want, and it's usually time to eat more cake.

You say again and again that this is a mess and you love her. What she is displaying isn't love. It's thinly veiled contempt. She knows she has made you and your children miserable. She could care less, she wants what she wants.

You need face the fact that the woman you fell in love with, the woman you created a family with.. that woman is long gone. She checked out, she isn't there any more. Something that looks like her is inhabiting her space, but it's a lot more selfish and narcissistic than the woman you remember. The woman you remember would never put you and your children through this agony. THIS woman isn't even thinking twice about it.

This guys up for parole and he has a girlfriend waiting for him outside who I also believe is abit crazy.

So your wife thinks she'll replace this girlfriend of his, does she? What is her plan for this eventuality? And she's crazy, you say? You sure you want to expose your children to this, Mike? Sure about that?

My wife knows that her feelings for him are wrong but she fears that cutting contact with him is dangerous. She knows all about his life his past and his family.

Mike, you have a terrible habit of believing every ounce of horseshit your WW shovels your way. One thing I'm seeing is you totally believe everything she says to be a fact. Even an amateur can see everything she's said (as you've reported it) has been justification, justification, and delusional gaslighting. Here's a suggestion. She lied. A LOT. Stop believing what's she's saying!!!

My kids are my everything and if this guy even turns up near them I will ring the police straight away. Iíve warned her that and I assure you all now I will.

Hey, Mike, if he shows up near your house, it might already be too late. You understand that, right? Please say you do.

What I donít want to do is wreck her life because beyond all this there is a beautiful woman within.

Nothing you've said is convincing me of her inner beauty. I mean no offense, but she seems like a conniving, self obsessed, lying woman who has lost her career forever on the most stupid of mistakes in her profession. I know a few prison guards through my hobby, Mike. All guys. Remember that incident that happened in NY State where two felons basically seduced a female prison guard into assisting their escape? It was a few years back. One of my friends worked in that prison. You know that part of her deal with the cons was to stay at her and her *unsuspecting* husband's house, to *murder* him, so they could get away clean? I mean, I'm not saying that's remotely the idea here but you can see how a guard can get caught up in the danger and excitement of it all and suddenly they are questioning who they are any more. BTW, you won't wreck her life, Mike, SHE already did that.

She wonít even consider bringing him into our home I know that!

You seem pretty confidant about that, but really you were pretty confident with her before she started cheating on you, too. See above remarks about not believing what she says any more. It applies.

Mike, I've been harsh on you here. I think you need a wake up call in the worst way. I would hate to see innocents victimized because of your wife's awful behavior and poor choices. INCLUDING YOU, do you understand? You are going to have to stop living in fear of what COULD happen and make positive, effective change happen.. RIGHT AWAY. See the lawyer. Explain the situation. Understand your rights! This is not a healthy situation to expose your children to! You must know this! You can't trust her with this -- hell, the government of your state once trusted your wife, how did that work out?

Be safe, Mike and act for your children, if not yourself. Check back in here as much as you like and keep updating us. We are here for you.

tushnurse posted 10/30/2019 14:16 PM

What makes you think you can't be a primary parent and not work????
There are many many many many people in fact most that do.

You have backed yourself in a corner, and you are so afraid of losing something that is already gone, that you can't do what is best for you and your kids.

Believe us we know. See a couple of Solicitors. Get some feedback. Yes there is something called attorney client privilege and unless you are threatening to harm yourself or someone else they are not allowed to share w/ anyone that you have been there, or are a client.
Not sure about the UK, but in the US if you have even had a consult w/ an attorney that attorney has to decline having a consult w/ the spouse, as it is a conflict of interest.

Get on the damn phone now and get some appointments made.

TimSC posted 10/30/2019 14:20 PM

Mike,

The wife you knew and loved is gone. She is not the same person any longer. She is infatuated with the OM and all her focus is on her having a future with him.

Visiting him in prison and sending money and gifts? Really?

All she is telling you is bull crap to keep you around until she gets a chance to go to him.

You and your kids are in a distant second place behind the other guy and her fantasy.

Forget about what you think you feel for her, PROTECT YOUR KIDS, because you cannot trust her to help you keep them safe.

Lawyer - now. Not familiar with UK law, but can you get a court order that bars him from being around your kids regardless of what you wive does?

The1stWife posted 10/30/2019 14:25 PM

You owe it to your children to protect them.

At whatever it takes.

Period.

Robert22205https posted 10/30/2019 14:54 PM

You have a bigger problem with your wife's obsession with the OM. She needs to go NC immediately - and it all ends.

The inmate's power only exists in your head. He is and always will be very vulnerable and walks on thin ice.

Bullies get bolder when they sense fear or weakness. He will push you and take as much as he can until you push back. The only way to get rid of him is to give him something to loose (his freedom).

People on probation can't possess a weapon, associate with other Xcons, and if he hits you - he goes back to prison.

Also, if he harasses or threatens you or is out of line around your kids, you can complain to his probation officer. Consider carrying a VAR to record conversations.

Once your wife goes NC, there's no advantage for him to hurt you. Why? because he'll go back to prison.

He should fear you (and probably does but is encouraged by your lack of action). Maybe your wife even tells him not to worry about you.

You could file a written complaint to the prison officials about his use of phone privileges to threaten & harass you via your wife. They have a record of his association with your wife so any complaint will be taken seriously.

The inmate is aware that you could testify at his probation hearing that he threatened you. Your word against his and your testimony means something because you're not an inmate.


[This message edited by Robert22205https at 2:56 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

M1965 posted 10/30/2019 15:44 PM

Thank you everyone Iím Sorry Iíve not acted fast enough. Iíve gone through a full year of hell and Iíve been on the brink of suicide over all this. I really have. My kids are all that have stopped me doing it and the love I have for my wife even though sheís created this mess. Iím going to get myself a solicitor and act now. But if u hear of some prisoner getting out in north west Uk who killed a man for being a grass youíll know I reached out here first.

Mike, no-one here knew what to do when infidelity was thrust into their lives unexpectedly. No-one ever does. That is why so many people seek out forums like these. There are more than sixty thousand members of 'Surviving Infidelity'. If people knew how to handle infidelity, there would be no members here.

I am very sorry to hear that you have been on the verge of suicide because of this. Many here have reached those lows, but they have lived to tell the tale. And they have learnt what to do, and what not to do, through their experiences.

You see, that is the terrible thing about all of this; you only learn about it by going through it.

Now, in terms of your personal safety, you should explain the situation fully to your lawyer, give him the details of the man, and explain that if anything happens to you, your lawyer is to pass on everything you have told him to the police immediately.

Tell your family and friends too. Tell your wife's family.

You also tell your wife that the instant anything happens to you, the police will be knocking on the jailbird's door, and then taking her in for questioning about her part in things. See how safe and comfortable they feel after that.

However, do you really think that someone who just got out after ten years in jail is going to want to go straight back in because of a woman he does not give a damn about?

Your wife may have built this up into the romance of the century in her mind, but how romantic do you think her pet jailbird is? Is he really sitting in his cell, daydreaming about skipping through meadows with your wife, picking flowers, after his release?

The guy will play on her deluded fantasies for as long as it is useful for him to do it, and then he will drop her like a stone. The only person who cannot see that is her.

What kind of life does she think she is going to have with someone like him?

Mike, your wife has left you few options but to take decisive action to protect yourself and your kids from the disaster she is making of her life.

Catwoman posted 10/30/2019 17:12 PM

She says she cares about him and wants to be with him when he gets out and that she canít turn her feelings off. She loves me but wants him?

She wants to cake-eatóplay with her prison f*ck-buddy and have good old reliable you as a Plan B. Are you all in with that? You shouldnít be.

Is it time to walk away for good and leave her too it?

Yep. She shows no sign of giving up this "relationship" no matter what it has cost her to date.

He was In for armed robbery then later absconded from an open prison. Heís served close to 10 years and heís only 28.

So youíre cool with a convicted violent offender having contact and/or living with your MINOR CHILDREN? Seriously?

Iíve only got evidence of this from what sheís told me which could indeed be a pack of lies so going to a solicitor with no real proof wonít get me anywhere.

OK, I donít know a whole lot about UK law, but here in the States, arrest records and prison records and such are PUBLIC records. You donít have to have the evidenceóyou just need to be able to direct the attorney on where to look. Trust meóthe third party evidence you would have (this is evidence that does not come from you or from her, but from third party resources) would be pretty compelling.

if I go for the kids and get them it leaves her in this mans arms and she will never want to come back to me.

You canít control what she does. You can only control what you do. If you DONíT argue for full custody and her to have no contact with them when this convicted criminal is with her, what does that tell your children about THEIR importance to YOU?

My kids are my everything and if this guy even turns up near them I will ring the police straight away.

Donít let it go that far.

What I donít want to do is wreck her life because beyond all this there is a beautiful woman within.

Youíre late to the partyósheís done a bang-up job wrecking her own life without any real assistance from you. And no, beautiful women do not do these sorts of things.

She wonít even consider bringing him into our home I know that! Her friends and family know and they all fell out with her but theyíve all got back on her side now.

A couple of years ago, you probably would have told people that she wouldnít consider having an extramarital affair with a convicted violent offender. Yes?

She feels that if he gets out he will leave her alone and go back to his GF and he wonít contact her.

Again, you canít control anyone but yourself. This is her issue to deal with, not yours.

If I get full custody of my kids then I wonít be able to work and their life will be seriously shit.

How do you think single parents do this? They get help from family, have day care providers, use public resources like the Y or such . . . youíre just making excuses for your inaction at this point. Figure it out--in the States, our employers often have people that they hire to help people like you figure things like this out. There are likely resources you haven't tapped. It's time to reach outl.

I WILL go to a solicitor based on your advice. But if I tell them I donít want her knowing will they honour that?

Again, Iím in the states and most familiar with US law. However, in the States, if you see an attorney, even if it is just a consultation, attorney-client privilege keeps anything you discuss from being disclosed to any other party.

Sheís been to visit him in jail. Topped up his phone, send in postal orders of clothes etc!

Doesnít this tell you where her priorities are? If she wants to do something charitable, why doesnít she do something through a real charity.

Sheís in it up to her eyeballs.

Yeah. And not looking to get out of it, is she?

OK, let me tell you a story.

My exís AP had a brother who was a meth addict and a convicted felon. Unbeknownst to me, he was liberal with allowing him contact with him as well as our MINOR children. One night I was sitting at home and the police department in a city way across the continent rang me. They had arrested this individual and on him was a notebook with my personal information (SSN, address, phone number) as well as THAT OF MY MINOR CHILDREN.

He was arrested and subsequently convicted of identity theft. Had this happened prior to the divorce being final, you can bet I would have had all manner of issues with it, and I would have fought for full custody and him to have visitation only under certain circumstances due to his gross lack of judgement and concern for his children.

My point here is that in most cases, a con is a con is a con. This individual began very early in life conducting himself in ways that violated the law. I doubt if heís going to change now. You must act and act NOW to get a means in place to protect your children.

If you donít, who will?

Cat

MickeyBill2016 posted 10/30/2019 20:01 PM

So the con becomes an ex-con and is released into the arms of his partner in crime GF, who either has been waiting for him for ten years or is another gal who likes convicts. 10 years is a pretty solid amount of time, in the US that means he either was sentenced to 15 and got some good time off, or he did the whole 10 years because he was a dick in prison too.

What are the chances that your wife will be fleeced by these two - For now she has a good job and likes to buy him things. You know he will need help once he is released, rent deposit maybe help with a car...You may want to see what else she's buying him...clothes, minutes on his burner phone, his own phone, his prison account, oxy?
If I were you I would lock down the bank account if you both have access to it. Maybe change banks as she may have compromised the security.

No offense but your WW seems pretty wrapped up with him and will do stupid things to win in her competition with the GF.

pureheartkit posted 10/30/2019 20:41 PM

Please don't live in fear.

People make bad decisions when they are in fear. The thinking parts of the brain are partially shut down. It's the animal brain that's ready to fight or run taking control.

She's in it and scared. Ok she's scared. Then she goes and gets help to protect herself. She can't allow him to control her, you, the kids.

He knows how to control.

She's got to stop all contact. No money, no things, no favors. Nothing. She should get a new phone number and email. Delete social accounts or block him. She should do this now.

Find out your rights. It's worth every dollar. Take self defence. Go and work on your strength, your health. Get strong and confident.

She's going to see this new you and it's going to look great. Tell her you're not messing around, this is serious. She should get herself turned around in a hurry as well. That guy and his girlfriend will cause serious chaos in her life unless she keeps them far away.

Buffer posted 10/30/2019 21:59 PM

Brother 787Mike; I might sound a bit harsh but; is she being held Accountable and Responsible for her actions?

When your WW was undertaking her training for the Prisons, she would have had education on actions resulting from fraternisation as well as the legal ramification for said actions. She knowingly disregarded this training, was warned yet chose to develop a relationship with a person under her duty of care.
She as a responsible officer had boundaries imposed on her morally, by marriage (to you), legally by her employer (the prison system) as well as by the law which she chose to break to communicate and develop a relationship with.

You have defended her actions by stating she:
My wife has tried to help him better his....
This is not a legal excuse she is just trying to justify to her husband why she has commenced an illegal affair with a person who she has become infatuated with. She is fully aware of the ramifications by law when she disregarded her children and family by knowingly and consciously being fully aware entered into a relationship with him. How many times can some-one disregard the law and not be held accountable?

He is 28 years old, with some time to go; she is minimum 37 to 40 years with children. She has knowingly come between a prisoner and his girlfriend. What if whilst being employed there she was prompted to bring in some contraband? She and You have a duty of care to let her former employer know so other officers lives are not at risk. Yes she has broken the law, just because you love the old her doesnít mean that she is except. So far she had gotten away with just termination of employment.

You canít live life by what ifs. Your number one priority are the children, not her future employment prospects. Your children are #1 having them with you full time would be a blessing. Yes you may have to seek employment in a different field or area by look into their eyes. How lucky would you be? What if he gets out and threatens you? What with? Bring it to the notice of the law and he will be straight back inside He would be held accountable for his actions. As I said he is 28/29 WW is 37/40 with baggage do you really think he is going to set up happy families with her? She is in LaLa Land.

Pull up your Dad or big boy pants. Seek legal advice, report WW for the safety of the others at her former employer. Go hard 180 on her and go for full custody. Mate there is no way any POS crim or ex crim would get within a block from my children.

Sorry about this

Good luck.

[This message edited by Buffer at 5:17 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]

Skadu posted 10/31/2019 09:56 AM

I actually had to log in for this,I generally just lerk.

Dude, dad to dad, if you let this happen without a fight you are failing your children.

Stop making excuses, start making calls to a lawyer, it's time to take some slings and arrows, it doesn't matter if it's not fair or it may be marginally detrimental to you personally. Parenting was my never going to be fair or easy.

[This message edited by Skadu at 9:59 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

© 2002-2020 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy