Hi Anti-hero -
Please correct me if this recap is wrong, but I think it will help provide context of your situation for those wanting to help or respond:
There was a time you felt that your BS was having an emotional affair or too much emotional dependency on a friend. You decided to give yourself about 6 months to see if improvements were made if you just worked on yourself, your own perceptions, and tried to work on connecting with him. You began to seem to feel like his best friend (a woman) was in the way. Your affair was a couple of years ago, if I remember correctly.
I don't know if you are depressed. I think you are still numbing your feelings. I can see how that would be your natural state of being because of the way you have existed in this marriage. Your husband had anger issues and some of your interaction was toxic (again correct me if I am wrong). It sounds like he is getting some help, and you feel a bit removed because you can clearly see that his issues have nothing to do with you (which in my view is probably true and healthy).
I think that our homelife or other relationship connections can be a source of great joy, but that's not a source you have been able to rely on. You are kind of trying to take some stabs at being responsible for your own happiness and not really knowing what that will be because it truly is a trial and error type of thing. Try practicing vulnerability with someone close to you. It would be good if that person can be your husband, because it sounds like he is having to get vulnerable with you and the counselor to work on his issues. But, if not him try a girlfriend or family member. Human connection, being seen, feeling identified with all starts with our ability to be vulnerable. In some ways this message you have posted is vulnerable because you are basically saying "I need things, I don't know what those things are" and that's a step in the right direction. I like the book "Rising Strong" by Brene Brown to get some thoughts about what that looks like, what it means, and she uses very small relatable day to day things that helps us understand how that works into our daily lives - not just these long heartfelt discussions we have.
I think by and large, when someone has cheated, it means they have become callous in some way. Callousness is a result of numbing, and Brene Brown spends some time explaining that when we numb bad stuff we numb the good stuff too. We can't selectively numb.
One thing that helped me a lot with connecting joy in my heart was a gratitude practice. I would spend 5 or 10 minutes each morning thinking about what I am grateful for and really trying to feel the joy associated with those little things. After a month or so, you will notice a lot more of those little things throughout the day either because you connected with them already or you are looking for things to put in your next day's assignment. Joy is self made, and gratitude is a big part of that.
I know it's hard to reach out sometimes in this forum. And, sometimes it's less active than the others. I sometimes have a hard time relating to some of the posts, but I would say look for ones you have some sort of experience to, and try and write a response. Even if it's something you delete and decide not to post. I have a feeling you are all up in your head and for me the act of writing to the others here helps me actually identify quite a lot of the things I feel and experience. It makes me concentrate on them and realize them. So, while you read it and feel flat, try and respond anyway because you will find there is a lot you can relate to and it's a good way to reconnect with your own self and how you are feeling. To me, this was some of the cure for the numbness.
I am glad you posted, I hope even if you feel like you don't have something to say you will do it more. It's good practice for the real world in a lot of ways. Take care.