HumbledSpirit posted 10/7/2019 10:52 AM

So where to begin…..how does one stop the wayward thinking? Not in the form of cheating physically or emotionally, but in the form of truly understanding how our “everyday” actions affect those we have hurt so deeply. Recently, my phone (which is a huge trigger for the person I betrayed) started giving me alerts of low storage space. I figured if I deleted messages that were not important and taking up space it would help with the shortage. So I offhandedly mentioned to him about the alert and that I was deleting texts I didn’t need in hopes of freeing up space. I did not thinking anything about it. Over the weekend he became triggered by this and rightfully so. Why didn’t I think to show him the texts first or take for granted something so simple? I’m the whole reason he triggers. My actions are the reason he hurts. Once again I hurt him, whether it was merely a lack of thinking on my part or not, why did my mind not immediately tell me think of my actions from his perspective. Of course any BS is going to trigger from this. This isn’t the only instance recently. A couple of weeks ago, I had a workshop to attend for work in a nearby city. I knew it would be a delicate subject for him, so I beat around the bush when mentioning it. I’m not a direct person by nature. I hate confrontation and uncomfortable situations and because of that, I once again made myself not safe for him. How do I change this way of thinking? In my heart I tell myself I put him first, but when I reflect back on my actions it doesn’t appear that way at all. My heart says by maintaining boundaries, staying away from slippery slopes, and doing all of the “right” WS things….sharing my phone, location, calling when my schedule changes, etc that I’m improving as a person. I’m starting to see that those are only surface level actions and it’s my way of thinking that truly needs to change. I want the ability to put myself in his shoes and to not check all of the boxes, but to truly change my way of thinking. Any advice anyone could offer would be greatly appreciated. I’m okay with the 2x4’s, I need them.

DaddyDom posted 10/7/2019 20:04 PM

Welcome to SI,

It was brave of you to come here and to post, and I'm sorry that we did not respond sooner.

Learning to anticipate our spouses triggers is just a learning process like anything else. To be perfectly fair, even our spouses can't always predict where/when/what will trigger them either, so just know that sometimes it will happen despite your best efforts. When it does, all you can do is be kind and understanding, apoligize, and make an effort to not allow it to happen again.

If you haven't aready, I suggest you read a book called "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". It can usually be found online for free if you look. It is a quick read, promise, and is more or less "the handbook for waywards". It will help you to understand what your partner needs from you right now, and always.

Also please take advantage of the The Healing Library (top left corner of this page) to find resources for both WS and BS. I found reading both to be helpful.

If you haven't already, and if you can afford it, a good therapist is often helpful to assist us in figuring out why we allowed these things to happen, and how we can change ourselves to not be that kind of person anymore.

Breathe. Take a moment to allow the hurt, to hurt. Cry it out but good and do so when you need to. Then when that's done, pick yourself up by your bootstraps and go "do the work" on yourself. It will help, whether your relationship survives or not.

landclark posted 10/7/2019 21:13 PM

One thing that helped us initially was for me to identify what I need, and sharing that with my WH. It involved things like not deleting messages (something he also did early on), full transparency with social media accounts, email and phone, what I need when one of us is traveling, etc. I’m sure some would say that the betrayed is then doing the work for the W, but it honestly helped us get past some more surface level triggers, and to me is no different than reading it in a book. He then took that and added some other things I hadn’t even thought of that were potential triggers, so it was also a step to help begin to change his way of thinking. I don’t think it takes away from the work the W has to do on themselves.

Just a thought.

EvolvingSoul posted 10/7/2019 23:40 PM

Hi there HumbledSpirit,

Empathy.
Compassion.
Gratitude.
Courage.
Integrity.

Work on cultivating these traits in you.

They are not something you have or don't have. They are cultivated.

Strengthening these traits will be a big step in the right direction.

Also.

Do you know why you cheated? Not why you felt tempted, but the thinking that gave you the green light to go through with it? Discovering, understanding and taking concrete steps to change that thinking is crucial.

Defenses low. Curiosity high. Proceed with conviction and valor.

Endy posted 10/8/2019 00:04 AM

So glad you are here, you will definitely get the help you need.
1. Stop seeing yourself as a victim
2. Keep it positive
3. See your self from the outside(empathy)
4. Find the habit that relates to what you want to change

HumbledSpirit posted 10/8/2019 10:19 AM

Thank you all for your responses. You have definitely given me a starting point and a lot of information to process. I appreciate the outside perspective and will take your advice to heart. Most of all you give me hope. Thank you!

Zugzwang posted 10/8/2019 10:24 AM

You have to choose to do what you hate. Choose to be vulnerable and uncomfortable. The only way to improve is to face the hard stuff and the first thing was just being mindful.