Hikingout...You know, i can normally respond to what others have said to my topics at work, but after i read yours i just couldn't. It was about all the things you said and i needed time to sit with it. I even thought to myself just how damn good you are at seeing and reading people, even virtually. First, i was taken aback about the "friendship" part of your response as i swear on Friday i literally looked up "What does it take to be a really good friend?" I found a really good Wiki How article and guess what the first thing said you need to be in order to be a good friend? "BE YOURSELF." I damn near laughed out loud as i know darn good well i was fake as hell. A shell of a person who were a mask that was covered in thick and slimy lies. I already knew this because of this experience, it just confirms why i could not build authentic friendships with anyone. I was always afraid to let people in if they knew who i was or because of my sexuality and everything else in between. Recently and i am most grateful for it, i finally received the "friend" title from my BW. It's rocky of course, and i am taking all steps to build it based on honesty and being my true self.
I was talking to her about this earlier and she reminded me of how many times she would bring up how much were not friends at all because i wasn't my true self. Very sad and confusing to hear given that we were in a relationship for over 5 years. I remember when she first told me, i later called my Mom and asked her what was the secret to she and my Dad's 40 year marriage and she replied with "We started off as best friends and the friendship was a big part of our marriage." I damn near went into a frantic state of confusion and fear. Sadness followed as i knew how much my BW and i were different, it was what i was internalizing that kept a wall between any effort on my part to resolve this in addition to the other hardships within our relationship. Lately, we find ourselves laughing more and spending more time with each other. I am asking more questions and engaging in beyond my usual surface and general conversations. I literally make sure i am not trying to be fake or selfish to make situations about me. The only thing that's still very challenging to me is when she has triggers(not as many for her thankfully) or when she questions the physical aspect with the AP. I just appreciate now, that i am not looking at myself or trying to use her or intently hurt her in any way.
OK. LOVE vs VALUE- I have heard these words my entire life, and did not ever understand it for myself or when it came to myself when involved with others. I did not feel loved as a child only externally(fed, clothed, catered to). SO of course, i did not love myself and felt lonely and empty inside most of my life. With that said, i turned to others to receive what i thought was "love." I confused love with neediness, physical attraction, pity/or the need to rescue or to be rescued. When i read what you wrote about how my life would have been like when i got with the AP, what you said resonated and i thought it was selfish as hell to say. To the degree of "What you got to give me? What do i get out of it? How are you going to make me feel good about myself?
With my BW, i got the best life. An amazing, beautiful, intelligent being. A family, love, exploration, guidance, uplifting, learning and growing, 2 beautiful kids, stability, quality time, self care, togetherness, support, and so much more.
I was asked what if AP had a good job, car, no drugs/alcohol, lived in a nice house etc? My brutally honest answer was still no. I know deep down i want my life with my BW and kids. I was devastated and stir crazy when i was not living with them for 45 days.
And yes(by all means, call me the F out as i need to be), confession: I was posting for Maise at times. I was stuck in shame and lies at that time. I was focusing on one outcome and still being a selfish rug sweeping ass. She questioned my lack of engaging on the site, and it was because i was so ashamed of myself and was horribly disconnected with my feelings and was so deep in my fog of everything that was happening. I get on here now for me and i can see that what i say here is actually for insight and support.
The love vs value along with the friendship aspect are very important for me to learn and gain the knowledge and live by to be a better me. For myself as well as my relationship of any kind with them. I truly appreciate your insight.