"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

thecaves posted 9/29/2019 01:41 AM

What is it now... Oh almost 7 years since d day. On a trip for a friend's birthday. She's in a good mood all night and I mentioned something that happened over 10 years ago. In reality it was actually a non event. In her mind however I was out with whores that night. I understand how she thinks that way but WTF it was 10 plus years ago and I was only bringing it up because it was relevant to a current discussion about flying with a hangover.

Long story short. I'm feeling like she does not care how I feel at all... Only uses me door financial security.. I walked out of the hotel room at midnight feeling pissed and am in the hotel bar with a double bourbon wondering why I even bother anymore. It's like 50 steps forward... But just.25 back and I'm the fucking same person I was 7 years ago. Gotta be something better...

foreverlabeled posted 9/29/2019 02:03 AM

I'm terribly sorry that you are feeling frustrated and questioning your resolve.

I understand how she thinks that way

 instead of stopping here you continued with "but what about me". So she triggered, maybe for the first time in awhile? Maybe for the first time in awhile that was a tough one? IDK.. sounds like it.

I agree 7 years is a long time out from dday, but putting it in perspective to the standard 2-5 year healing timeline that most not all fall into, I'm not so sure a trigger is out of the norm even now.

Just my thoughts.

BraveSirRobin posted 9/29/2019 08:25 AM

I mentioned something that happened over 10 years ago. In reality it was actually a non event. In her mind however I was out with whores that night. I understand how she thinks that way but WTF it was 10 plus years ago

I can't tell if you mean this was a "non-event" because she misunderstood your account and thought you were out with whores, or if it's a non-event in your mind because although you were out with whores, it was a long time ago and you're a different person now.

Understanding this more fully will help me give better advice, assuming that you're in an ongoing struggle and not a generally happy marriage where you had a rare bad night and needed a place to vent.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 8:26 AM, September 29th (Sunday)]

Zugzwang posted 9/29/2019 08:25 AM

Do you really get it. If you did, I don't think you would be saying I understand how she thinks and then follow up with WTF. Did you really accept who you were and know that it will always be a bumper sticker on your ass? Just because it has been 10years doesn't erase the fact that you did something cruel and hurtful to her.

If you feel that she uses you, then there must be more to this and what she does then a WTF moment. Would she even feel differently with an attitude like this?

why I even bother anymore. It's like 50 steps forward... But just.25 back and I'm the fucking same person I was 7 years ago. Gotta be something better...

Really? There has gotta be something better than fucking your wife? I can't imagine why she wouldn't be having triggering moments. You are describing your wife here. Anger or not. This reference towards your wife speaks volumes. Your wife man. How do you even go there? Like you are missing out on fucking new people? Doesn't sound like you have reached remorse to me, just regret. Regret that you wasted your time in making amends (if you did) and aren't fucking new people.

We are 7 years and my wife will mention the affair off and on and refer to her pain over some particular thing. Especially when she is faced with the pain another person is going through with infidelity. 90% we have no issues in discussing it or situations on here and I feel no defense or attacks because I owned that was who I was. You were

out with whores that night.

So, maybe it isn't you she was talking about and it was her anger towards the type of women that have affairs with married men.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 8:02 AM, September 30th (Monday)]

godheals posted 9/29/2019 11:13 AM

You act like she can’t have any thoughts or feelings about this

It’s been ten years so what? Speaking of ten years you should be a pro at this already.

Do you think this will ever just go away for her? I think that is were your thinking wrong. It will never just go away. It will always been there in way way or another.

I can’t believe you stormed off like a 5 year and left your wife in the middle of the night.

You blew a chance to show love support and remorse. Instead you made it about your feelings instead of it being about her.

I think the question should be why does your wife bother?

sorrowfulmate posted 9/30/2019 10:03 AM

My wife and I are five years into R now. The pain of our actions doesn't just go away. A BS can't control triggers. Triggers lie in the limbic system which is not controlled by the logic areas of the brain. The trauma of discovering infidelity etched that into the limbic system and when the right conditions are in play the system is triggered and she is forced to deal with things which she had no control over.

Reconciliation and recovery from infidelity is a long process. As time goes on it can and does get better. The operative word is better. This doesn't mean that after 5 years the triggers and effects of the trauma magically disappear.

Your post here seems to have a lot of resentment toward your wife for your financial support of her, and anger over the trigger. She didn't ask for that trigger to happen. She didn't get a say in your choices to cheat. She however gets the "gift" of the traumatic blowback for your actions.

Darkness Falls posted 9/30/2019 10:11 AM

I don’t think it has anything to do with merely “fucking” other people. What an oversimplification. Intimacy, closeness, and happiness may very well be things a WS has to give up hope of within the relationship in which we cheated, but that does not mean that the yearning for “something better” just disappears from our hearts.

thecaves, I don’t know your story or what effort both of you have put into reconciling your marriage, but I personally am not one who immediately assumes it’s always the WS who is the one who can’t repair the damage. Some people just can’t get past it and that is perfectly valid for them.

It is always your (and anyone’s) choice to call it a day. Cheating kills relationships.