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Lonleygirl posted 9/22/2019 13:10 PM

My husband never found out about the affair, but i have decided to divorce and move on with our lives. It seems to be going amicably right now and i wish him nothing but happiness. The divorce isn't because i want to be with AP, as that is a hard no for me. I finally feel some peace after all this time. I feel like he can be with someone that will really take care of his needs and treat him right. Then i can focus on me and really heal.
I'm getting resolution, so why does all this feel so crazy?!?

Jorge posted 9/22/2019 14:57 PM

Just to add... my husband is great and we have a really good marriage. I would choose him in a heartbeat, even if we didn't have kids. This affair was me needing to fix me.

This was your quote 3 months ago. Why leave a marriage if your husband is great and the marriage is or could be good? Isn't your husband going to be confounded by this? It might feel crazy to you because it's not the right thing to do.

I understand fixing you, but not informing him as to why you want to divorce now counts as the second major unilateral decision you've made that involves him. So, he'll be confronted with having to pay emotional and financial costs because of something he has zero knowledge of even existing.

His life is changing for the second time inside a year, as decisions that shapes his short, intermediate and long term future are one's you've already made, without notice or input from him. Just doesn't seem right at all. Seems extremely selfish actually.

hikingout posted 9/22/2019 15:03 PM

I will just say that you not confessing has probably caused you to feel less authentic in your marriage. It has hindered you from having true intimacy with your husband and has isolated you even more from him than before. If you have doubts you should try confessing and counseling. I have seen a few people on here saying their wife was ate up by guilt and tried to divorce them because of it. When they confessed amd Ríd happily later. I am not at all indicating that will be a choice but I think you should consider letting him know more about the reasons the marriage is ending. Whether you are factoring it in or not it still really is a factor. Just my two cents.

Justsomelady posted 9/22/2019 16:06 PM

Iím with Jorge. This seems so much like running away. He will never know or truly understand why his marriage and life has come apart at the seams. That is very sad.

I am sad for you too, you ended your affair out of guilt - but didnít you also end it because you love him?

You owe it to yourself to talk it out and if there is a way to make it work try...if not, the outcome will be the same.

Iamtrash posted 9/22/2019 16:08 PM

I obviously canít speak for you, but I think it would be extremely difficult to take that secret to your grave. Maybe youíre torn because youíre getting divorced and he has no idea the extent of your infidelity. Are you divorcing because itís whatís best for him or whatís best for you?

To each their own, I suppose. Just seems cruel to blindside him with a divorce while claiming heís a good husband. Maybe thereís more to this story that we donít know.

Lonleygirl posted 9/22/2019 16:18 PM

My original post was June of 2018, which is almost a year and a half, so a lot had changed since then. With the help of a counselor I've come to realize he is great and will make someone a great husband some day. We do not have the foundation to continue. We put all our energy into kids and didn't even notice we have nothing in common. The fact that we do not argue, nor have we ever is a huge red flag that my counselor brings up.

ff4152 posted 9/22/2019 16:23 PM

This was your quote 3 months ago.

Actually it looks like it was made over a year ago.

Lonelygirl,

I imagine during that time you've given this a lot of thought and examined your feelings quite closely. Whatever your reason, you ended the A on your own and I for one commend you for that.

If you are certain that this is your path, please be as kind as possible to the both of you.

Good luck on the next chapter of your life.

Justsomelady posted 9/22/2019 16:31 PM

Did not realize how far back that quote went. You have worked this out with your counselor, and are being honorable with how you are ending it by the sounds of it. I wish you luck. Maybe think about letting him know the truth at some point, even if you canít do it until after the divorce. I think it will help him understand his relationship better to know the truth.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 4:32 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

Lifeitself posted 9/22/2019 16:51 PM

I agree with hikingout and iamtrash. By not confessing, you have built a wall between your husband and yourself. By coming clean and destroying your old marriage you could have had a chance to build a new marriage where you could have a common ground with your husband that you are now saying lack of which caused your divorce. It is cruel that your husband is blindsided and has no idea of the backdrop of the divorce.

I think you should still confess to your husband, he deserves to know why it didnít work.(although you probably will refuse that).

[This message edited by Lifeitself at 5:15 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

Lonleygirl posted 9/22/2019 17:53 PM

I personally do not see the need to confess and gone him self esteem issues at this point. I really feel the divorce is best for both parties and the children. I didn't understand how broken we were before the affair until the affair happened. Through counseling i have done some major digging and we just aren't a happy compatible. We are comfortably compatible, but not happy. The guilt is still awful, I'm going to give him whatever he wants in the divorce and be open to any parenting time that he would like. That's just a tiny fraction of restitution that i could give.

Lonleygirl posted 9/22/2019 18:05 PM

I personally do not see the need to confess and gone him self esteem issues at this point. I really feel the divorce is best for both parties and the children. I didn't understand how broken we were before the affair until the affair happened. Through counseling i have done some major digging and we just aren't a happy compatible. We are comfortably compatible, but not happy. The guilt is still awful, I'm going to give him whatever he wants in the divorce and be open to any parenting time that he would like. That's just a tiny fraction of restitution that i could give.

NotSureAboutIt posted 9/22/2019 18:40 PM

Respectfully, he deserves to know the truth.

thatwilldo posted 9/22/2019 22:07 PM

Lonleygirl,

You said:

The fact that we do not argue, nor have we ever is a huge red flag that my counselor brings up.

Oh, I bet you'd argue if you told him you had a 10 month affair! Regardless of whether you divorce or not, he deserves to know.

Justsomelady posted 9/22/2019 22:40 PM

:

.
You ďThe fact that we do not argue, nor have we ever is a huge red flag that my counselor brings up. ď

Thatwilldo ďOh, I bet you'd argue if you told him you had a 10 month affair! Regardless of whether you divorce or not, he deserves to know.Ē


Yes. What Thatwilldo said. There was something gnawing at me about this post and that is the part Iíve been mulling over. Youíd definitely argue in that case. I wonder what side of your husband you would see then. What you would learn about each other in the potentially fruitful ensuing argument(s). You say you donít want to hurt him but you already have and in this case consider this: not all hurting is bad. It can be kind even. It leads to understanding if you are actually communicating. Actually communicating only happens when (a) you do it and (b) your communication is based in reality and - truth.

Two people who never argue, get along, and have kids decide to divorce without really, truly talking together <<< lame imho

The fact that you never argue is a bad sign because it means you arenít communicating truthfully about what is going on in your heads. Including all the many things a marriage entails but yes, the affair too, and what you need and want. How would you ever end up working ANY relationship out ever - including this one and all future ones - if you arenít able to do that?

Itís like the marriage died of neglect rather than feeding it with communication. You went to counseling but did you attempt MC for other marital issues or attempt to talk to him about it? Do you discuss with your husband anything you share with your counselor? You have to make a mess sometimes to clean it up. Maybe you werenít raised with the tools to do that - but you can learn them together. Instead, in your frustration/ennui/whatever you went elsewhere. Maybe I just donít have a clear picture - but I see your approach as almost aggressive in its passivity and avoidance.

Your husband has got to be wondering but cannot ask what you are really thinking. Not telling him is a form of Gaslighting because he knows something isnít right on some level. It is deceitful. Youíre divorcing! But yet you will never let the person you claim to care so much for and want to be happy know what is really going on underneath it all. It is controlling and unkind. Even though it would hurt him to know this silence of yours is another sort of unkind. I know you are treating him respectfully in the divorce or plan to etc...but it isnít really truly to its core all that respectful.

I have a friend who is haunted by her parents amicable divorce. You know why? Because she had this family unit and all was fine. Sometimes sheíd see her parents silently close the door and disappear for a while. Then bam one day her family broke apart. Separate homes, lives, seeing dad a little bit each month ó and she never had any idea why. Her little self took on all this misplaced blame because she had absolutely no window on what her parents were going through. Not that they should tell all or tear down in a big fight, but some arguing (heated but respectful, no name calling or abusive language) I think can help a kid understand what the heck is going on and also learn how it is done respectfully if done right

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 11:23 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 9/22/2019 23:13 PM

It seems to be going amicably right now
Does this mean that he views the marriage the same way you do-- that it lacks a spark that he'd just as soon find somewhere else? When you asked for a divorce, did he nod and say it was fine with him? Or are we getting the rugswept version? You make only "I" statements -- I decided, I wish, I want, I feel, I can. It strikes me as a wayward mindset that still sees only what you want to see.

You have the right to end your marriage, as both partners always do, and if it's genuinely amicable, so much the better. It just sounds a little too good to be true, you returning here with an "it's best for everyone" resolution. You're presenting the only scenario that might make at least some posters think you should keep your A to yourself. Respectfully, I am skeptical.

Lonleygirl posted 9/23/2019 05:18 AM

My husband wants things i can not give him emotionally. It's just not my makeup, things i never realized before the affair. I give to my kid and then there is nothing left for him. He was hurting and i never knew it. He is choosing not to go to counseling. He thinks the divorce is a good idea, but he's sad about seeing his kids part time, which is understandable. His biggest issue is he doesn't want to find a house around here, because they are expensive and he wants to be close enough they can ride their bikes over. I'm giving him anything he wants accept the house which he doesn't really want anyway, he's just having a hard time finding something in his budget. He's not paying a single bill, giving me any money, and child support is set fairly low for our area. I feel like he has had a say in the divorce and knows he would benefit as well, these beginning phases are just hard and you have to make it all about what's best for the kids.

Justsomelady posted 9/23/2019 06:57 AM

You canít give him what he wants emotionally - not sure what that means. You gave a lot of yourself away during the affair. I guess this is just another consequence of that deprivation of the marital relationship.

Sucks that he wonít go to counseling - did you ask him to do just IC or did he also refuse MC? Did you share some of your inner struggles with him or just ask him to go fix himself? Sounds like he doesnít want to fight very hard for the marriage, or he sees how much you have detached and sees no point. I too am skeptical and struggle to understand what brought you together in the first place if it is ending with basically a shrug. so, I guess thatís that.

Hopefully you can work together so he can live close enough and afford something. Would be a great way to help restore something lost to this man. What if you both moved out and got smaller houses each? Iíve seen that work out well for the friend I mentioned above. She grew up near both and when her dad remarried she could ride her bike over and play with new siblings and it made life easier.

You ought to come clean to him but I know you wonít. It really isnít right of you to withhold this from him. A lie of omission of this seriousness is a form of emotional abuse.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 7:22 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]

hatefulnow posted 9/23/2019 10:57 AM

Divorce is a mistake. I know because I've made it. Even though my reasons were compelling, if I had it to do over again I'd avoid it because the entire aparatus is designed to drain the family of its wealth into the pockets of lawyers and judges. Thet're the only winners and families don't stand a chance. Best interest of the children MY ASS! We gave our attorneys and the courts about $40K when it was all said and done, and that's with my wife throwning herself on her sword, so to speak. There were no issues with our parenting, but the judge wanted us to 'get couneling' and have a 'custody evaluator' review things to make sure we were both fit. The 'friend of the court' is just that...the court's friend...not yours.

If moving away is an issue see if you can turn your house into a duplex, or maybe make your husband an 'inlaw' suite. A man doesn't really need that much space, most of us anyway. He'll be close to his family, you can both have privacy, kids don't have to be uprooted, and you can agree to live your own lives. So if he's a good man and father AND you can respect one another perhaps you can consider this as a viable solution.

If you must divorce try to do it on your own. Do your homework together. If it's uncontested it would seem to be a matter of filing the paperwork. I'm not an attorney so investigate for yourself.

Also, if in the future you change your mind, this situation would be easier to reverse.

Good luck.

Lonleygirl posted 9/23/2019 14:07 PM

I will keep the house, because i run a business out of this that i couldn't just do anywhere. Plus i can afford it. I would let him see the kids wherever he wants. Right now it is uncontested and we aren't even using a lawyer. We're writing it up on our own, so that saves a ton.

blahblahblahe posted 9/23/2019 14:23 PM

I often ponder what a terrible person I was because of the way to chose to end my marriage.

I thank you and another poster here, you have made me realize that I'm not even in the running for the category. This is said without malice, just my simple truth from my perspective.

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