"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

GraceLove posted 9/8/2019 08:50 AM

So it's been 6 months that I have moved home, and 10 months from divorce.
Lately, despite trying to be grateful I've just felt horrible. I had the flu then just stayed at home for the last 4 days. Even though the flu seems gone, I'm feeling so grief stricken.

I went into my old journals of when I was first married. My marriage was awful! And I never told anyone! Some of the things that were going on were such red flags.

He was so cruel to me. And there was something not right with me for enduring it. He never wanted to kiss me. He put so much pressure on me. And he would just drop out. Go on 'business trips' and in one entry we were supposed to go for a walk and instead he would go out with his business colleagues, (female) I was soooo blind to it all. He would promise things and never follow through with them. And the love bombing! Wow. Epic.

I even spoke of how I was feeling manipulated. I knew. I really did know. I just didn't have the capacity to leave as I had 2 little kids early on.

I'm feeling really down about my life. About how much I lost. And it puts me off from continuing to date. I'm feeling pretty negative about ever finding anyone that I could trust. There, I said it. I have probably made myself unavailable in order to protect myself.

There is so much grief inside me. I have been crying on and off for days. I was telling a friend I just want this to be done. I guess that's really high perfectionistic expectations.

I feel like I'm back at almost square one. With all the crying and grieving. I had been grieving before but there were so many other things going on like the divorce, selling things, putting the house up for sale, moving internationally...all that stuff.

It feels like now things are settling but the grief is still hitting me.

It's awful. Just awful.

I don't want to go anywhere or do much. And I usually worry that I am getting depressed. This time it's different. I'm not that worried. I just want to have time to not rush myself out of the grief or whatever it is. And if it takes days before I want to go outside, then so be it. It's been 4 days that I've been home. For me I don't think I've done that before. But it feels right.

How long have you stayed in the house and grieved? Did you fear for your mental health? Just trying to normalize this.

[This message edited by GraceLove at 8:52 AM, September 8th (Sunday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 9/8/2019 11:58 AM

Hi Gracelove. I don't know your story, but from what I can gather from your recent posts there has been a lot of stress and finalizing of things to separate, and now all of that is over and you are getting the time to sit quietly with yourself.

Of course this is all traumatic! You would not be a normal person if you were not going through all this grief...you would be rugsweeping again, and that grief would pop up again later in your life. Unless you deal with it ALL, it's like whack a mole!

I think I am a lot like you. I married a cruel and selfish man that gaslight me and manipulated me from day one. He would use whatever I said against me and go for the jugular. It was awful and went on for years.

I had to come to grips with I did it to myself. I ignored the red flags and suddenly had 2 little kids. I felt trapped. And just like you I got out.
It took me a good 3-5 years post divorce to start feeling more settled. It happened so slowly I did not notice my healing.

I don't date because I still don't trust myself to choose wisely. I don't trust myself to get out.

It took me a long time to get to that spot where I was OK with being alone. I did try dating and it did not go too well, but to my credit, I did manage to get out of a few really bad situations.

To answer your question I grieved for years. I could not stay in the house because I had to work. In time I found some hobbies I enjoyed, and discovered I like to travel solo. Bit by bit, day by day I healed.

You will heal too.

inconnu posted 9/8/2019 12:42 PM

I think on top of the grieving of the end of your marriage, you're also grieving the life you thought you had. Or, maybe more accurately, wanted to believe you had. Been there, done that.

The thing about grief is that it's not a straight line from start to finish. It's not even a roller coaster with its ups and downs. There's forwards and backwards and sideways, too. Not to mention some loop-de-loops and squiggles thrown in the mix.

I cried daily for months. For much longer than I thought I should. Even on really good days, I'd hear a song on the radio that would trigger me and the tears would start flowing. I finally had to realize it was normal, and part of my healing journey.

It's okay to feel grief, it's okay to be sad, and it's okay to cry to get those emotions out. Much better than bottling everything up inside.

Take care of yourself and be gentle on yourself.

GraceLove posted 9/8/2019 13:38 PM

Hi Chrysalis.
I

t took me a good 3-5 years post divorce to start feeling more settled. It happened so slowly I did not notice my healing.

One of my therapists said 2 years from divorce...that would be the time to start dating. I didn't believe her because I had started doing the work 3 years pre divorce and had been separated 2 years before the divorce went through.

Someone else had said 5 years. That just seemed like so long, mostly because I felt I was being so proactive in my healing. And here I am. not that healed. Or at least having a big backward slide. I was at the grocery store and a song came up and i just bawled because it reminds me of my daughter that lives across the world now.

I've had a lot of hardships in my life as I know others have as well, but this? This ...I just don't know...I feel like it's going to do me in somedays. This was just too much, too long.

Hutch posted 9/8/2019 13:39 PM

Depression and grief are miserable. It truly and simply just sucks to feel that way. I’m sorry you are going through this.

I’m not an expert but I can tell you what I do when I’m feeling down or anxious. I hope it helps you too. Allow yourself to feel and process but try to avoid those things, at least right now, that bring you back to those low places. I’m not saying never read your journals again, but right now they make you feel sad and I’m sure a ocean of other emotions. Put them away. Eyes forward.

Also, I am a huge advocate for doing things that can physically and mentally make you stronger. In these moments they may not be salvation you desire but make yourself. 1. Eat a healthy diet. Excess sugars and caffeine can actually make you feel down. Eats lots of healthy foods, lots rich in antioxidants that help to increase mood levels. 2. Exercise. Get your body moving. Get those endorphins going. 3. Socialize. Friends, family, workout classes, social groups etc. You may not feel like it, but interacting with others can help improve mood. 4. Positive thoughts! You have children and that’s a wonderful thing! You’re strong enough to get to where you are. Start making a list of all the positives thjngs in your life and that like in yourself. Post it on your fridge and grow that list! 5. If you feel like it’s not getting better talk with a therapist or your doctor. It’s okay to seek help. 6. Trust is a hard thing when you’ve been hurt. Absolutely! But know there’s lots of trustworthy and amazing people in this world. It’s okay to one day seem that once you’ve healed. 7. Pray. There’s power in it, I promise.

I know it’s hard. I’ve posted on here about feeling overwhelmed as I go through my D. We all have bad day and that’s okay! But try not to stay in that downward spiral. Breathe. Last, sending you a virtual hug.

GraceLove posted 9/8/2019 13:41 PM

Inconnu

, maybe more accurately, wanted to believe you had.

Definitely this. Yes I had no idea it was so horrible. And yet I did. I don't know what makes me more livid. Living with such a f***wit for so long or myself for not getting out sooner.

And now I'm out. And believe me, it's amazing to get my life back. I am sooooo relieved and glad to be in NC with such a crazy lunatic and pervert.

But it's just hard to have to do so much healing around it.

hardtimesinlife posted 9/8/2019 14:22 PM

When I first came here I heard something over and over. It was that you don't need to trust someone else not to hurt you. You only need to trust yourself to survive it. Trust yourself to protect you from it. You learn to trust your gut and see the red flags for the truths they highlight. You are in the learning phase right now. With pain comes great growth. Each down phase (and this one seems normal since you really haven't had time or space to fully grieve until now) gives you strength when you come out on the other end. You read your journal and you learned that, hey, your gut feelings were right on. You knew what he was but you didn't trust your gut at that time. But you will now. IMO that is a really good thing that will come from this time. I say give yourself this little reprieve and you will be better for it. Hugs.

Healershaman posted 9/8/2019 20:25 PM

Dear Gracelove,
I'm four years from D-day and 2 3/4 years from divorce decree. I spent this weekend ruminating, watching Netflix, and avoiding the phone.

I was married 25 years: I keep wondering how did I miss this or that (it was so obvious), and why did I put up with it for so long?

And I'm still processing. But I can say that healing is slowly happening. Anger at former spouse and at myself for not acting sooner is waning.

People told me it would be better two and three years ago - I couldn't believe them then. Things are better. My 20 year old daughter recently told me she's never seem me happier in all her life. Who would have thought.

My suggestion is hang in there. Take what you want form other's success stories of healing and moving forward that you see here on SI. Be patient with yourself, forgive yourself, and before you know it things will be turning around.

Best
HS

GraceLove posted 9/8/2019 22:08 PM

Hardtimesinlife

you don't need to trust someone else not to hurt you. You only need to trust yourself to survive it

I hadn't heard this so thanks. Very true.

Each down phase (and this one seems normal since you really haven't had time or space to fully grieve until now) gives you strength when you come out on the other end

I read this over and over again. It was very comforting.

You read your journal and you learned that, hey, your gut feelings were right on. You knew what he was but you didn't trust your gut at that time. But you will now. IMO that is a really good thing that will come from this time. I say give yourself this little reprieve and you will be better for it. Hugs.

Yes, I didn't trust my gut and I sometimes beat myself up about it. Especially if I'm feeling down. I know that getting divorced when the kids were young would have caused more damage as he would have had the kids by himself and would have been doing some major damage. So, at least they were mostly with me during the course of their lives. It's good to hear as a reminder that it will come to an end and that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Somedays it's easy to forget that.

GraceLove posted 9/8/2019 22:14 PM

Healershaman

It sounds like it's such a process. Like you I was married long term...28 years. Someone also told me between 3-5 years!! until things get better.

Anger at former spouse and at myself for not acting sooner is waning.

I find that hopeful, but for me, I don't want to ever get lulled into not remembering what happened and get all mushy about it in 10 years time. Does that make sense? It almost scares me that I would ever be compassionate towards him. I want to make sure that I always keep my wits about me where he is concerned. Although we live on the opposite sides of the world so the likelihood of ever having to see him again are slim.

Be patient with yourself, forgive yourself, and before you know it things will be turning around.

I need reminders to be gentle with myself. I'm really hard on myself because I deal with perfectionism and it rears it's ugly head when I am stressed.

LifeSong posted 9/8/2019 22:51 PM

@GraceLove I so get you. It's insanely difficult. I also put up with a bunch of horrible treatment throughout the marriage only to get hit with two d-days-(1st- a ONS while he was traveling for work and 2nd with a girl my oldest daughter's age). So I had the traditional infidelity hell-pain along with a good dose of 'middle aged woman gets replaced by a girl half her age.' I felt like I had been turned into a sad cliche.

I grieved deeply during our fake, ridiculous attempt at R for 3.5 years. WPOS was never sorry ("I'm sorry I told you." "I did nothing wrong." "I f--ed a girl, get over it.")

I leaned in to the pain, grieving as much as possible; even embracing it as some rite of passage in the spiritual journey of a human soul, while coming to terms with the fact that WPOS was not R worthy- and had not ever actually been M worthy in the first place.

I felt like I could have died- and often wanted to. It wasn't until about a year ago that I decided to admit some hard truths, cut my losses and move out. It took me 6 months to do it. I've been on my own for five months now and it gets better and better every day. I'm working on me (why did I turn a blind eye to red flags, why was I willing to tolerate such awful treatment....)

It's 4.5 years post d-day for me. I've had a few sad moments since moving out, but have actually had some very amazing, joy-filled days. I feel like I'm getting my self-confidence back. I smile now... laugh,even. I have hope for the future. I like me. My business is growing and my little cheap apartment is starting to look very cute.

A while back, I honestly thought I could never feel this way. Not ever. But, here I am: Okay and getting even more okay every day. And you will too. Grieving is on its own schedule. It's a slow, painful process if you do it right. There is nothing wrong with you. You are doing what you need to do in order to heal. Hugs to you.

Healershaman posted 9/8/2019 22:52 PM

Gracelove,

I can relate to perfectionism. IMHO perfection now is accepting that she and I and everyone else is imperfect. Acknowledging our faults, flaws, and foul-ups is as close as we get to perfection, then apologizing where appropriate and changing our behavior where appropriate.

I'm sure you'll see from others who shared that what "we" (betrayed spouses) feel in terms of self reproach and self doubt is all normal.

I wish found this site four years ago, glad all the same I'm here now. I find it like peeling the onion skin metaphor. E.g., I felt really good this summer taking care of self and young adult children who live with me. Then I helped my daughter move back into dorm at college last weekend and wanted to text a pic of the beautiful ivy covered Victorian dorm to former spouse, but then said to self, "why?" I miss her on some days: On other's I am grateful she did what she did 'cause her actions speak for themselves.

I really relate to not trusting. I went to OLD sites and bumped into former spouse's profile: lets say we have very different views of the past and what went wrong. I have no idea when it will heal. I'd say listen to what the ladies here have to say about trust. Mostly, trust yourself.

Wish you healing and peace.

HS

steadychevy posted 9/9/2019 07:04 AM

GraceLove, it's been 6 years since DDay1 and almost 2 years since separation. I'm not yet D but the separation agreement is being drafted now. I'm 68 years old and we've been married 42 years this year. I didn't really start healing until I started IC with my current IC last January.

I look back, too, and the things I didn't do before marriage, during marriage and while she was committing adultery and I didn't know (but was suspicious). I talked about that with my IC at my last session. She asked me if I'd forgiven myself for what I didn't do.

That was an eye opener and a shock to me. I hadn't. I'm a born again Christian. I've asked God for forgiveness about the things I have done but not what I didn't do. It has been a bit of a journey doing so but it's starting to sink in. It's starting to bring more peace.

I feared for my mental health way back after the DDays. I attempted suicide right after DDay1. I went to an IC right after that. I've never been depressed that I can remember. I've always been future oriented. I have so much to live for including 9 grandchildren under 9 yo.

I can remember one instance when really struggling and slipping away that I thought to just let go, give up, lose my sanity and I won't remember. It was a struggle to pull back from that. It felt like I was slipping into an abyss but there would be relief there. Mental suicide, maybe, as opposed to physical. Again, I have so much to live for and I'm looking to the future once more.

Being an introvert I started to avoid interactions. I live remotely on a ranch. But I was on three different board of directors at the time so was forced to go. There was also church and a rancher's management group. I'm back to enjoying the interactions again. I also went to 2 different BAN groups and a Divorce Care all of which were 2 hours away. I made myself get out there. It got easier. Look for opportunities to join groups, start doing activities you gave up in the past, etc.

I take it from a different post you made that you're a Christian (GraceLove could be a clue, too). Are there groups in your church you could join that you haven't? Bible study, foreign relief, etc. that could give you a sense of purpose and connection.

Even with all the things I've written about my evenings are the worst. As long as I'm busy physically or mentally things are actually great. Th evenings give me pause. I think it's probably loneliness more than anything.

Hang in there GraceLove. Be good to yourself, Forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself.