"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

FacerOfShame33 posted 9/5/2019 17:23 PM

Hello. Per my BS request I have joined and wanted to share with other WS our journey through this most difficult time that was caused directly by my actions. And share with others going through this most difficult time. I destroyed my BW by my actions. I had a year and half long emotional affair that also included physical interactions. So the double betrayal here. DDay was in the beginning of June and then after attempting to commit to NC with AP I drove underground and caved after almost two months of NC and reached out to “check in” on AP. This of course is a major character flaw. Wife was even more devastated that I reached back out. This of course was totally wrong of me. I have been reading and lurking on here since DDay to try and come to terms with myself and my actions. I have been in IC since last winter for a major underlying anger management issues. Little did I realize that my anger management issues were in fact manifestations of a deeper darker truth that I hadn’t been dealing with at all. Ultimately I was addicted to pornography and through this unhealthy addiction warped into a closet sex addict as well. For over 18 years of my life I have lived in shame, disgrace, fear and addiction. It’s very difficult to describe to someone who does not have an issue what it feels like when one gets wrapped up and succumbs to their addiction. It felt like I was possessed and out of control and couldn’t stop myself. This is by no means a form of me defending my actions as could quite easily be pointed out “why didn’t you seek help?” “Why did you wait so long?” “Why did you let it consume you and not talk with your BS before you acted out?” And to answer that it was my shame and partly FOO as well. So I have since committed to deeper IC with those that specialize in SA as well as committed to going to a recovery group as well to really face these demons.

One of the most interesting things was that post DDay my wife and I became hyper connected right away and I fed into complacency. My remorse was there but not quite potent enough ( another terrible character flaw and lead me to a complacent state that lead me back to reaching out to AP) one of the things that had helped me since is a reframing of thinking and the REAL reality of my AP is owed nothing and the truth was AP was feeding my addiction. I also suffer greatly from fear of acceptance and a sense of belonging as well as a people pleasing attitude due to past FOO upbringing which was mostly hinges on emotional abuse from mother and sister. But after reaching out and breaking no contact BW hit me with both barrels and the remorse has fully sunk in. We have a 4.5 year old son who is everything to me. I am honestly afraid of Divorce and don’t want that at all but that is out of my control and have since, per advice from different forums on here focused on my healing because i am more terrified of my son learning bad behavior from my terrible actions (sins of the father haunt their children).

I am taking steps and living one day at a time and am looking to heal myself to become a safe partner and parent. These revelations have helped me and really peeled back the layers on many problems and sense of self. Will my BW choose To stay? I can’t say but I can at least make the effort prevent this from continuing and cause more problems. I took the mentality that I’ve dealt with this addiction for so long I can no longer live as a liar and a cheat anymore. If I don’t change now I never will. Thanks for looking and sorry for the jumbled mess but wanted to give this forum a try.

foreverlabeled posted 9/6/2019 16:36 PM

Hi and welcome to posting. You said you've read around here and lurking, have you spent time in The Healing Library? You'll find some great articles there geared towards us as well as BSs.

If I don’t change now I never will.

 In your post you've mentioned many reasons to change and I could be too literal here but it seems your reasons are for everyone but yourself. I know first hand that going about it for others isn't lasting. I really had to make it personal and feel the conviction for myself.

This work is hard and your dedication is required, no more complacency. Even when it feels to good to be true you gotta be out there busting ass and making things happen for your healing change. It gets messy and tough and I know there were times my old unaware uninterested self would have stopped short of my actual potential. You'll need courage and it's so beyond doable when you have the desire.

We all have faced the unknown and uncertainty of our future with our BSs. Let go of the outcome and accept what is, wasting time in that space full of fear will not help you. You know what else is uncertain? Waking up tomorrow, we don't dwell on that and this shouldn't be any different. Tap into the same thought process. Live in the moment and make it count.

You've not asked any questions or for advice so I don't have much else to offer. But thank you for sharing your story.

FacerOfShame33 posted 9/10/2019 16:50 PM

Thank you for your response ForeverLabled. I spent a lot of time in the healing library and continue to study and read through the articles and posts there. For clarification, my post was a bit of a run on and you are exactly right in regards to making the change for myself. That is where my head is. I won’t lie and say I don’t want to change myself so I can be a better example for my son but that is the end result of my working through this time. I was at the end of my rope and hiding so much I couldn’t do it anymore I didn’t want to continue my life in that way. I have since posting attended my first group recovery session. It’s called Celebrate Recovery And is a nation wide ministry that focuses on healing hurts hangups and bad habits. It is also a great place to work on accountability for whatever the underlying issues may be. It is steeped in a traditional twelve step programs and I’m not here to bible beat but I must admit I am a believer and felt this was a good fit for MY JOURNEY. My therapist recommended it to me and I’m so glad he did and also glad I went. One of the attendees put it very well in regards to the type of life you live as a liar and cheater (but also applicable to any number of life’s issues) take the beach ball on the water in a pool or ocean. You can hold it down underwater and on the surface it’s not there. But realize it’s very hard to hold said ball underwater and it will eventually come back to the surface. Man that felt good to hear to me because it’s so true. My lying and daily porn and self medicating (working myself over) as well as my emotional and physical infidelity was just like this and it manifested as anger and fear and shame. So yeah I’m working through this for me and taking it one day at a time.

assjack posted 9/10/2019 19:44 PM

Please read The Journey From Abandonment to Healing. Super easy tools to use and incredibly life changing

Hutch posted 9/10/2019 20:32 PM

I just wanted to reach out. I know this is probably the hardest time in your’s and your wife’s lives filled with hurt and uncertainty. There’s amazing people who will guide, offer advice, and support. It’s a long journey, but don’t give up and continue to do the work. Prayers for you both.

AlwaysWorking posted 9/15/2019 14:53 PM

I'm so sorry that you have found yourself here.

I see you said you have read in the healing library and that's great. Have you read not just friends yet? If not I would reccomend reading it a few times and how to help your spouse heal after an affair.

What steps have you actively taken in dealing with your porn addiction? Does your BW know everything? Have you given her a truthful timeline to the best of your memory? How did your bw find out?

I see a lot of hurt in your words, but is it for your bw or you?

There is a lot of self work to be done and it never stops. Ever. There is always room for improvement. Just don't be too hard on yourself if you fail. Just be honest and true to yourself and your bw. I wish you both the best of luck.

FacerOfShame33 posted 9/17/2019 21:42 PM

Thank you ASSJACK for your encouragement and recommendation I’ll keep that one in mind.

HUTCH thank your for reaching out I appreciate it

ALWAYSWORKING, I have not read that book yet but will keep that title in mind as well. I’ve been reading After the Affair and it has had some very good points and tools to look at all sides. In regards to my porn addiction my active steps have been to work with my therapist who specializes in sex addiction, I have also joined a recovery and support group that focuses on pornography, sex addiction, impure thoughts and masturbation addiction, we meet very Monday night and has been a major help. Also I have deleted all downloaded content (no hidden files or folders) thrown away physical material and stopped using private browsing and certain social media platforms (Snapchat, Twitter, and Instagram.) I have disclosed to my BW the extent of my affair as well as provided a TT. She found out through a friend of hers that had access to my AP Instagram page and then BW confronted me. There was no more lying or gaslighting as she had the proof to confront me that I could not deny.

In regards to my hurt and remorse it’s for both. I’ve come face to face with my addiction that I had tried so hard to deny and ignore feeling I had control over. I was so powerless and too prideful and afraid to admit my wrong doings and lack of control over myself. Because of my weakness and addiction I became a Liar and a Cheat and an Abuser to my wife. I hated the person I became and loathed myself that I could do that to my wife. Ive seen the pain I’ve caused my wife because of my unwillingness to change and admit my problems. I’ve seen the pain on her face and the turmoil and physical response as a result of my infidelity. She knew something was wrong and kept trying to let me tell the Truth and I always would lie and rugsweep and gaslight. I regret everything about the affair because my AP was feeding my addiction and I was feeding hers. I disclosed my hidden Dropbox full of pornopgraphic images and videos of AP and some even had us both in them. I had to have my BW see the extent of how far I’d fallen. And watch the pain and hurt and disappointment on her face as she looked on and laid her eyes on my addiction, betrayal and infidelity. I was so wrapped up in fantasy land that I took for granted my BW and created a false perception that she didn’t want to be around me when that was the furthest thing from her mind and she just wanted to be with me. I hate myself so much for this and hate the pain and harm I was capable of.

I am taking this one day at a time and am fighting to make the right positive changes in my life so I can be a safe person and not be controlled by my addiction. I want to be a good father to my son and preserve his purity by setting the right example. I am capable of terrible things but I know with hard work I can be capable of great things as well. This change is for me and I hate that it took me having an affair and feeding my addiction to force myself to face this. Thanks for taking the time and hang in there. Ask yourself is this who I really want to be the rest of my life? If you have children, is this the example you went to set for them?

FacerOfShame33 posted 11/1/2019 09:50 AM

Just a update for my road of uncertainty. I have been doing well in my recovery group for sexual addiction and purity. Have not had contact with AP and all things of past betrayals are disclosed. I felt some vindication recently with my BW and her doubts when she stated that she feared I had been in contact with AP or that there is someone else I haven’t disclosed. I could honestly say for the first time that No there has not been any contact and that no there is no one else I haven’t disclosed to you. Being able to walk the walk and starting on a road of integrity has been very healing for me. I know it’s still very early on but wanted to share my journey. I can’t sit here and say I haven’t had a couple of hiccups but my celibacy is intact at over two months and am on the path of porn free of over a week again. My BW has also shared certain things and at this point overall I am confident that we will get to recovery.

One thing I do wish to share that has been troubling me however is a friend my BW has been in communication with and would like some input from others what they might think. This friend of hers is a male that she befriended through playing a mobile game and they became friends after I had started my A. He has been extremely emotionally needy due to his personal life choices with his partners. He also has a history of pursuing married women and had been in a extra marital affair that went sour due to his and the lady he was having the affair with. When that was going on and after it ended my BW was in talks with him and providing support. BW claims that she isn’t interested in him etc but I’m not so sure of his intent. He then got into a relationship that recently ended with a girl that was younger and had her own issues and during this relationship was also getting advice and support from my BW and from others in his life. This current break up he had coincided with my DDays as well as my road to healing and IC. A few weeks ago I finally confronted my BW and stated that while I had initially said it didn’t bother me, that it did in fact really bother me and despite BW claiming she has no interest she would still placate and talk with this guy as a friend. I just don’t know if I’m being too paranoid or if this could qualify as some type of EA. I get we should help our friends but my BW spends way too much time on her phone and I have completely distanced myself from my handheld device to try and live one day at a time and address things in the present and be available to any and all things my BW has issues with. My communication skills aren’t the best but I’m working on this and am trying but view her interactions with this individual as demanding more time. BW has full access to my phone but I feel like I can’t see hers. I’m trying to take it at face value as I was the one that failed as a spouse and betrayed the trust. Any input is greatly appreciated and thanks for reading.

JBWD posted 11/2/2019 15:24 PM

Your statement that “I let her see my phone so she should let me see her phone” misses the boat. You sacrificed the openness that she was owed by the man who vowed to love and honor her. If she ever believes that openness can come back, it won’t be anytime soon. And in the meantime she’s struggling to piece together anything about your relationship.

Bottom line is you didn’t begin this phase “even,” and as such you’re not owed exactly what she is- You betrayed her. She may be doing this intentionally, but she may also be struggling to feel any value after you discarded her- And it’s going to be a long time before she believes any statements of value coming from you.

Do I think the relationship is inappropriate? In a normal situation I would, but there’s nothing normal right now and your BW is grasping for meaning. You haven’t been trustworthy before, but extending the suspicion that you’re owed to her is simply another selfish act. Additionally your holding this in and then blurting it out is another typical wayward behavior, acting out of fear and suspicion. Taking the opportunity to feel victimized by this is exactly the kind of selfish behavior that typifies a cheater. If you can start working towards empathy and remorse, you will recognize that you’re manufacturing pain to try and “feel even.”

DevastatedDee posted 11/6/2019 14:24 PM

Honestly, if you start treating her like she's the bad guy and has something to hide, you might as well start packing your bags today. This will not work. The level of betrayal you have committed against her is so profound that I cannot imagine her being anything but indignant at you questioning what she's doing. You have had a faithful wife for many years. It seems a bit...off...for you to be questioning her judgment and ability to have boundaries with friends right now. Is it possible that you're projecting because you couldn't sustain such a friendship with a person of the opposite sex without it turning into infidelity?

You have a very long road if you want to become a trustworthy spouse again and regain your wife's respect and love. This is a major wrong-turn if that is your goal. My spouse was also an addict. I recognize some of the thinking patterns here. There is a tendency with addicts to build resentments against those they have hurt because it eases their own guilt and puts them in a much more comfortable place...being the victim. Look into yourself and see if this is a motivation you're experiencing right now.

Right now, you have to take an uncomfortable seat in the chair of "I am the one who did wrong" and find the humility that comes with that. If your wife is reaching out to friends for support, that is a good thing. She needs that like she needs air to breathe. Any attempt to limit those lifelines is going to feel like abuse to her. You cannot imagine the trauma that she has experienced at your hands. Don't add to it.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 2:25 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

AlwaysWorking posted 11/11/2019 12:36 PM

I want to start with this. I am a ww, we are madhatters. I had an account years ago and found this site and therapy a lifeline.

I have his wifes permission to post details amd she is a member here.

When I told your wife of this site after I had to show her everything I found, I had faith that you could actually face your shame and you would be truthful. I knew you wouldn't get it right away because that takes time ,work,effort, and really digging deep. I didn't think you would use this platform against her. I didn't think you would use the words you read here and twist them as your own to put on an act for her and the people here.

Your wife is suffering, her pain is a pain that most of us aren't able to comprehend. She is dead on the inside and is drowning. She is bleeding out and you just continue to cut her deeper instead of stiching up and healing her wounds. She doesn't know which way is up or down. She is questioning herself as a human being. You did that and you continue to.

Your posts read like a script to appease the masses. No words of yours are really you or what you have really done. What about that ONS that you trickle truthed her? What about your old phone at work? If she used drfone what would she find? What about the condoms she found last October? What about your hidden social media accounts?

What I have seen so far is In other words

" I'm going to do just enough to shut her up. I hope it goes over her head and i get away with it.That will shut her up for now".

Please start being truthful to yourself for you and her. Please stand up and help her heal.

FacerOfShame33 posted 11/12/2019 19:18 PM

Thank you all for your insight.

FacerOfShame33 posted 12/5/2019 08:35 AM

Well I’ve been away for a little bit. I understand my previous post was selfish and not right. I’ve done my best and have been going to therapy and sexual addiction recovery. Last night my BS told me she feels like this is it and can’t go on. I can’t blame her. If I was in her shoes and all the damage I have caused I’d most likely do the same. I hurt so bad for her and the pain and abuse and betrayal trauma. It seems my efforts are too little too late for reconciliation and recovery. I just wished I had listened and got help so much sooner instead of just destroying my BS repeatedly. I’m a failure as a husband and only pray she can heal. I won’t stop my work on myself but feel at a loss of things to do. I trickle truthed her and didn’t even realize it and was so caught up in the fog and bullshit of my own self and head that I blew it. I wish everyone the best and if your bs asks you to get help DO it. I’ve destroyed it all and only have myself to blame. Mental illness is real and I denied and lied to myself for so long this is the outcome I get. Serves me right....

FacerOfShame33 posted 1/24/2020 15:11 PM

I find myself at so many uncertain points in my life right now. On one hand I’m still in my twelve steps and working on myself and still in therapy. I’ve had relapses and set backs and tragedies. The family dog passed away before my birthday and set me spiraling and my bs left to visit family during the holiday season and addiction sadly is all about isolation and bad thoughts and I messed up. I’ve been put back into the couch as I didn’t disclose my relapse to self pleasure and porn and my BS no longer feels safe around me because I didn’t disclose my actions as that was something she wanted and I didn’t do it. I was selfish up till that point. I had been wallowing and stuck in my pain which is a big Nono in attempting recovery and reconciliation. I had a revelation and it took me awhile and I’ve made more mistakes and setbacks that have caused more harm. I caused all of this and have no excuse. I was a serial cheater, abuser verbally mentally and even at one point in our relationship physically. I was a monster. I let my pain and addiction control me instead of seeking help. My BS was the best thing in my life and I destroyed our marriage and her trust. It was all me. I have no blame no excuse and no way to change that. I did it. BS has told me and now I see has posted she is done and no longer trusts me and never will. I have been prepared to lose the marriage as this has been an option from the beginning and something I knew could and would happen based on my actions. We are doing in home separation as we have a 5 year old son who is everything. I have given her the space and will continue to do so. I want her to heal and live her life and it most likely will be without me. It’s funny when you look back and realize the coulda woulda shoulda that I had this amazing gift and I squandered and destroyed it. I’ve been asked if I still love my BS and I can emphatically say yes but the hypocrisy of it all is if I truly did I wouldn’t have cheated and gotten help and done the things healthy people do. I will not hide behind my addictions or many character flaws. I’m constantly looking at myself and trying to build myself back up. What the future holds for me I don’t know it’s in God’s hands and in his time I will see what comes. I wish I could say I could save the marriage but it’s not my choice. I made the choice of infidelity and I have no say in this matter except to unpack my life’s issues and work on me at this point. I am thankful for my BS for not kicking me out.