LIFLNGCHTR posted 8/22/2019 12:06 PM

This is my first post. I am a life long cheater. Prior to marriage I cheated on most if not all girlfriends. While engaged to my wife I cheated on her. Nearly 2 decades later I cheated again. In between those events I became more and more addicted to Porn. I became more and more familiar/friendly with other women. All of that is of course cheating.

This morning I looked in the mirror and for the first time in my life I believe I finally saw "me" (see topic title..). I saw a man (child really) who is a selfish, self centered, cowardly, lying, adulterer. I saw a person who literally had everything that a person could want and he treated it (them) like &%$#...

We are a little over 4 years out from the actual affair, but, I realize I am still the same person. I didn't do the hard work that most of you have shared on this site. I tried to fix myself under my own will power (fyi; that doesn't work). I was asked to read books; I refused. I was asked to go to regular counseling appts; I went when I felt like it. I was asked to do other various things to make her feel safe; I didn't...

I suppose in the back of my mind the justification was that I always knew that she wouldn't stay with me after what I did to her and our family. How incredibly stupid and selfish is that?! I was offered the opportunity to make a real change for a woman that deserved nothing short and I chose me; over and over and over, I chose me.

I believe I have finally broken my wife's will to go to on with me. What's sad is that she absolutely was willing to give reconciliation an honest try.

Anyways, thanks for reading my pity party rant...

Zugzwang posted 8/22/2019 13:57 PM

Never too late to get to work. Don't even thing about reconciling the marriage till you reconcile yourself first if you two are separated.

EvolvingSoul posted 8/22/2019 20:46 PM

Hi there LIFLNGCHTR,

Welcome to SI. There is a certain type of post that is pretty common from WS whose BS has finally hit their limit. In the face of perceived actual loss, there arise a whole bevy of panicked impulses to do something different, quick, to demonstrate to the BS that this time it's different and he or she should reconsider and give the WS another chance. And then most of the time those people disappear from the site.

It's too early to know if your post is one of those or not, though it does sound like one. And so I would like to impress upon you that these moments in life, the moments where the worst has happened and you are losing it all, these moments of reckoning, these are the moments when it is most possible to begin real and lasting change for the better.

You have chosen to label yourself as a "life long cheater" and by your history, so far, you have been. But in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years from now, if you start working on change TODAY, that label will no longer be accurate. Your marriage may or may not be salvageable, but YOU definitely are. You can become a self-aware, authentic, mentally healthy person upon whom other people can depend. You can be a safe person to be in relationship with. You can be a better partner, friend, father (if you have kids). But the change has to come from within. Not because you want to keep from losing your wife, but because you want to keep from losing yourself and your integrity.

So. What are you going to do right now, today, to get the process started? The path is in front of you. You have been milling about the trail head for years. Will you step on?

Proceed with conviction and valor.

Best to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

JBWD posted 8/23/2019 11:57 AM

Welcome to the group.

The pity party mentality will keep you stuck. It likely is what stood between you and substantive change all along. We’re here to help you proceed, as EvolvingSoul so eloquently puts it, with conviction and valor. We all have differing levels of miserable action, that have hurt people we would never in a million years consciously set out to hurt: BUT WE DID.

We don’t want our actions to define us, but inaction in the face of such terror WILL do just that.

Yes you have really damaged your wife- This is going to take a long time to finally process, and while we may try to work through it, I am realizing this scar is the kind that always burns a little when the sun hits it. But to refuse to change is to refuse your humanity.

Read. Meditate. Exercise. And most importantly, support your betrayed wife as best you can as she tries to get through this. It’s not to win her back or prove how tough you are, it’s to at least learn to be open where you can, and give of yourself like you never did when it was called for. Honesty and vulnerability.

Nothing worth doing is easy, we’re here to pick you up when you falter and when it feels like there’s no end in sight. Stay the course.

Edited for spelling

[This message edited by JBWD at 1:33 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]

JBWD posted 8/30/2019 12:55 PM

How you doing LLC?

blahblahblahe posted 8/30/2019 15:00 PM

Everyone who can really see themselves can change for the better. It is a choice, which you have now made.

Now comes the next step,letting everyone else see the real you.

First day of the rest of your life.

LIFLNGCHTR posted 9/5/2019 13:22 PM

Thank you to all who responded. I am doing decent... I have been going to a counselor regularly for a whole month now (yeah me...), but, I have also made a few dumb decisions that have caused set backs with trust.

I am certainly a slow work in process. But, I do know that I do want to change for real. I have to make that a priority rather than conquering the world of business.