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Advice on perseverance

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thatwilldo posted 8/23/2019 13:43 PM


You said:

.There is also the issue of my bs being so hurt and devastated from not only my multiple adulteries and abandonments and lies but we have so many other marriage issues and I've hurt him in many other ways. And so his pain and broken heart are right there, at the surface and he is a verbal communicator who is not shy about explaining how I've hurt him, and the things I've done wrong and the fruit of my sins in all of us. He vents about this regularly.

I can so relate to this. My BS is also very hurt by my terrible choices and he's very articulate in explaining his sadness and anger. I listen and become covered in shame. Just this morning he explained to me that he woke up with the awful sadness and felt that it would never change. My affair was many years ago, but I didn't finish with the lies until 2015. What has helped me and him is if I listen and kind of let it wash over me and feel for him not myself.

Have you read the book, How Can I Forgive You? by Janis Abrahms Spring? It has helped me to be empathetic. She says that when you apologize it must be about how much you hurt the other person, not about how miserable you feel about hurting the other person. Maybe it would help you.

You said:

I make mistakes or consciously choose to do something wrong, afterwards I see the wrongness, regret having done the thing, and basically hate myself for being such a stupid, foolish, selfish, hateful female... I'm ashamed and depressed and angry that I've once again hurt others, my bs, my kids, family, 'friends'... They have to deal with the consequences of my bad choices. They are suffering for my mistakes/sins. It's my fault. I'm also hurting myself, I don't like myself, I want to hide from myself... So I'm angry that people are upset with me/worried they won't 'love' me anymore(self-centered) and I'm brokenhearted that I see how others are suffering for my choices. They shouldn't have to...

I think you need to be more specific for us to be able to help you here. What kinds of things are you talking about that you keep doing? Why don't you stop doing them?

Zugzwang posted 8/23/2019 13:54 PM

It isn't really about being good at the hobby. It is about enjoying it.

Pyrite posted 8/23/2019 18:10 PM

I think that my point about 'hobbies' was not clear. I know things that I 'like' and enjoy. The problem is more that it triggers my bs. I actively enjoy, look forward to, am happy with certain activities and hobbies and that reminds my bs very much of the times when I was screwing other men, doing 'my own thing' and successful, by the world's standards in a lot of areas. So when there's something that I really enjoy or I'm succeeding in, it triggers him and he's jealous of those things making me happy or doing well. Specifically because I wasn't 'happy' or feeling successful with him or our marriage at the times I was abandoning him or when I've been disconnected or struggling over the years since. Therefore, me engaging in those things tends to cause issues between us because of my past choices and the consequences of what my happiness now (unrelated to him) reminds him of. And yet, he doesn't say I can't do those things but encourages/allows for some of them. But it can be a rough navigation, at times and sometimes it's just too much.

Zugzwang posted 8/24/2019 09:41 AM

I think if you are working on you and changing. He needs to work on himself and healing. You still have to become a complete, healthy, mature, whole person. If it causes some triggers. He needs to work through those till he stops seeing them as a threat. What does he do to make his own happiness? If he were busy focusing on his things, perhaps he wouldn't be so upset. Marriage is about partnership. Not dependency.

Pyrite posted 8/31/2019 07:47 AM


This is somewhat difficult to answer. There are things that my bs enjoys doing and that make him happy. He's been working on incorporating some of those things. And he, almost always, wants to share about his triggers.
However most of his life has had so much trauma and the last few years especially have been filled with traumatizing things that remind him of either his own growing up traumas or the horific choices I have made and the consequences we have had to live with because of them. I think he's having a very difficult time just trying to get through each day's problems and can't really get 'ahead' in processing things.

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