"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Soconfusing posted 7/5/2019 06:38 AM

Hello All! So I’ve been separated since October, and was adamant that I wasn’t interested in dating at all and that I was going to wait until some point in the future if ever ...then just last week I had a guy hit on me for the first time since the separation. Now keep in mind, this isn’t a guy that Is my type even a little bit. Like rationally I know we have zero in common and it’s totally not going to happen. It’s just not.

I mean big differences. I’m like the least attractive partner ever - whole buncha kids, homeschooling mom, Christian, no sex before marriage, I don’t enjoy drinking....like finding a man will literally have to be God sending one because I feel like this is impossible. Lol

But, I was stunned and handed over my number and then he actually called. No big deal. Yet I’m giddy and can’t stop thinking about him. And all I can think is how lonely I must’ve been for so very long that I didn’t even realize it anymore. For me to be like a 6th grader with a crush! It’s so ridiculous.

But how sad that I was so lonely that one 15 min conversation and a few texts with some guy makes me feel so much better. I don’t know. It makes me think of the Five love languages book, where it talks about your love tank and how it gets low when you aren’t shown love, and I must’ve been completely empty.

Also, how does one let someone down who is super nice to you without being a jerk?? Ugh. My soon to be ex and I were high school sweethearts. I have zero experience with this!

barcher144 posted 7/5/2019 08:41 AM

I’m like the least attractive partner ever - whole buncha kids, homeschooling mom, Christian, no sex before marriage, I don’t enjoy drinking....

Why are you so negative about yourself?

I am guessing that there are plenty of men who would find zero "dealbreakers" in that list.

Superesse posted 7/5/2019 09:01 AM

Soconfusing, you just need to take a deep breath, smile at your beautiful self, and then say to him "Why, thank you!"

But please, don't allow any sense of leftover deprivation from the STBX to influence your new life. Because believe me, right after a separation is such a vulnerable time, and I have seen too many people get really badly hurt by their New Beginning choices not working well for them. (In my own life, my late sister's life, even a woman in my Divorce Care group. Common to us all was: we didn't take things slow enough. We had such a lot of rejection to deal with, any attention was like a drug to our wounded souls.)

But honestly, there are many dating out there who can sense that kind of vulnerability, and who can and will take advantage of it. Don't be that woman, okay? 🙂

AlphaSilvr posted 7/5/2019 09:16 AM

Like, Supresse, said, go slow (I am learning this myself after more than a few mistakes).

I am also learning that what I think are negative traits about myself, are positives for someone.
I used to think I was a horrible conversationalist, but I have been told, out of the blue, by so many people that I am actually great at listening and expressing things. My ex was the one that couldn't hold a conversation or wanted it to be all about her and blamed me for being selfish and dominating a conversation.

You will learn that, like Barcher144 said, the traits you think are dealbreakers, are actually what the right person may be looking for. :)

Soconfusing posted 7/6/2019 22:15 PM

Barcher, I know it is ridiculous but for some reason I have thrown out every single thing my STBXH said as total lies except all the negative things that were said about me or that I was led to believe. I am having a much harder time tossing those. On another note, I have read comments of yours on other threads as well building people up and wanted to thank you for being so kind.

Soconfusing posted 7/6/2019 22:33 PM

Superesse and AlphaSilver, Thanks for chiming in. I know you are both right about going slow. This guy was nice, but came on a little hard, and I am still feeling super vulnerable. I don't know if I am just ultra sensitive (most likely!), but little things were setting off alarms. Like I told him in conversation that my lawnmower was broken and even though I told him I had it handled, he insisted he was coming to my house this weekend to fix it. I think he was genuinely trying to be nice, but it stressed me out. The last thing I need is more stress!

I ended up messaging him and telling him I wasn't ready to start a new relationship at this point and he never responded. I see now what you mean about it being a drug for a wounded soul, because I anxiously waited all afternoon to hear from him which was so silly.

I am honestly shocked at the level of loneliness that I am experiencing. My life is full of friends and family and I am busy, but good grief what I wouldn't give for someone to be there to share life with.

All in all I am glad that this happened because it showed me things I need to clear up in my head and get figured out before I try and actually date anyone. I would really like to move on from the insecurities, broken self esteem, fear of being hurt, all that stuff.

Soconfusing posted 7/6/2019 22:33 PM

duplicate post

[This message edited by Soconfusing at 10:34 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Superesse posted 7/7/2019 09:47 AM

Soconfusing, good that you recognized a little alarm bell and heeded it.

Possibly he was going along with what he interpreted you saying (about your lawnmower not working) as "pointing out to me that she doesn't have a man in her life, so she needs guy-type help" (and that could lead to "Wonder what else she needs?") While you do need the help, I think you should be cautious about sending that kind of signal to guys in general, as even friends' husbands might respond in ways you would not expect them to.

And the loneliness that you described feeling even in your busy life? I think it is a part of the grief we experience for not having found a faithful partner. That feeling might have even been there while you were still with your STBX. I'm convinced most people would love the idea of having "someone to be there to share life with." It's just so sad that our old "someones" didn't think they needed to limit themselves to "one" someone to share their lives with. That's what hurts the worst.

Soconfusing posted 7/7/2019 13:00 PM

Superesse, I actually thought the same thing about him and the lawnmower. It was one of those things that as soon as I said it I realized it was a bad move. It just came up in normal conversation...which makes it sound like I have the most boring conversations ever
I will for sure have to be more careful in the future that I don’t give off the “I need saving” vibe.

I’m still feeling a bit off about it, and really need to remind myself that this isn’t my only chance at being with someone. The right one is out there somewhere, and if not I don’t want to be with the wrong one again.

The lonely feeling was for sure always lingering, even while with my STBX. But the full force of it has been a big hit this week. I think the ongoing emotional toll this has all taken is abusive and even now that we aren’t together I view him as an abuser.

EvenKeel posted 7/8/2019 07:27 AM

For me to be like a 6th grader with a crush! It’s so ridiculous.

It was not ridiculous. Our esteem takes a mega blow during all of this and when someone validates you (by hitting on you in this case), it draws us in.

BTDT. In my case, it did not end well BUT I would not have changed the experience. It was so helpful in me building my new start (what you want, what you don't want, etc).

So don't feel bad about this; just use it as a lesson on your new path.

You don't know what your future has for you. So don't think that finding the right person for you and your family is impossible. You just work on you right now. Get yourself healed and healthy....and see what happens down the line.

LilBlackCat posted 7/8/2019 12:06 PM

Yes, I can relate to your feelings..

After my separation in 2016, I met someone (I was not ready yet.. plus there were red flags I had ignored).

That sense of being wanted by someone.. It does reinvigorate you, and as much as it's not a good thing (due to the need for healing still exists).. and sometimes (as in my case for sure) I truly needed it, as the damage from infidelity and the subsequent actions of WW leaving me for AP were tremendous.

With time though, things will change.. Even thought I find myself lonely as well.. The feeling is different and not engulfing as it used to be. I hope that someday I will meet someone, just got to be patient.

2married2quit posted 7/8/2019 22:46 PM

Yep, if you've been cheated on your self esteem dips big time. Enjoy the attention, but know that you will have to go through healing and loving yourself again.

Like Supresse said (wise words), many people fall into a slippery slope and not only will you end up hurt but there's predators out there. Wait till you're healthy. You'll be glad you did.

Okokok posted 7/9/2019 08:14 AM

Also, how does one let someone down who is super nice to you without being a jerk??

It sounds to me like you did a pretty good job! A simple text, phone call, or in-person conversation explaining your thoughts and feelings is how you do it.

Probably comes as no surprise to anyone in this group, but the #1 most compassionate, non-jerk way to "let someone down" in the dating world is to kindly, but honestly, just do it. Honesty and kindness are key! If they're truly not a jerk, while it may sting a little in the moment, in the end they'll appreciate it and will move forward unscathed.

That doesn't mean: "Hey, after meeting you I realized I don't like much about you, so I don't really want to see you anymore."

But something more like: "Hey, I really appreciated meeting you; you're an awesome person! However, I really don't feel like we're in the same place currently. I'm trying to be really mindful and purposeful about the path I'm taking in my dating life, and I feel that I need to take a step back now and maybe go a different direction in the future. I wish you all the best. Good luck out there!"

Soconfusing posted 7/10/2019 11:16 AM

EvenKeel, LilBlackCat, and 2married2quit You are all completely correct about the self esteem dipping. I actually made an IC appointment this week to try and talk through some of it because I thought I had moved past the worst of it but as soon as this guy started talking to me it all came back full force. Need a little more healing!

Soconfusing posted 7/10/2019 11:18 AM

Okokok, Thank you!! I was so worried about being "too mean" and I know it is cliché but it really was me and not him!