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Just numb

dragonfly530 posted 7/3/2019 11:30 AM

After 20 plus years of marriage i found my spouse had another affair. 6 months ago he was caught and stated they were only talking. Said he'd change for our future. After 2 months of being separated i let him come back. Well 6 months went by he had been acting suspicous and finally got a chance to look at his phone and there it was.
I kicked him out, again. Over the 20 years there has been several incidents of infidelity. Im just done. He wants to come back says he is sorry but I cant move past this. I kept his secrets of his indiscretion quiet til last fall and now I just am numb from it all. Our kids are angry and feel bad for exposing the lies that i have been living under.
He blows up my phone all day. I spoke to attorney and have the divorce agreement for him to sign. He wants to go to counseling. I want to be done but its so hard when youve been with the same person for over 25 years. The grief is at time unbearable. I just dont want to make any more mistakes or have regrets and live in resentment. I just dont know whay to do next or how to be.

cocoplus5nuts posted 7/3/2019 11:41 AM

I'm sorry your CH has treated you this way. It is hard to let go of someone you've been with that long. But, gently, you never really had him. Sounds like he has probably cheated your entire relationship.

He is a serial cheater. He will not change. You do not have to live with that. Stick to your guns and go through with the divorce.

Can you block his number from your phone? If not because of kids, tell him you will only communicate with him about kids and finances. If he continues to blow up your phone, ignore him.

Bigger posted 7/3/2019 12:17 PM

How you two dealt with his infidelities in the past clearly didnít work out so your change now is very positive.

Serial cheaters can change, but that doesnít mean or imply that you have to wait for him to do so. Use the strength you have now to make permanent changes to your life, with or without him but definitely without infidelity.

bluelights posted 7/3/2019 12:32 PM

I am sorry for your pain. I am new here, but one thing that is making the break for me is to suspect my WW has cheated on me multiple times. When I look back into the past, I get this gut feeling.

I hope you find your path and truth. If you get out of this situation, at least you can truly decide what is best for you. Listening to his apologies wont work because you are the one wanting the M to work, he is clearly not, so you expect change and when he offers it, your view about your own feelings gets blurry.

You need to be able to at least see what you need and want in a clearer light. He only provides lies, deception and disrespect. No clarity at all.

BBBD posted 7/3/2019 12:40 PM

How old are your kids?

And if your daughter came to you with this situation what would your response be?

[This message edited by BBBD at 12:40 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

dragonfly530 posted 7/3/2019 15:33 PM

Thanks all for the encouraging words. The kids are 17 and 12. They seem to be handling things ok. The oldest acts like he needs to protect me. They really dont want to see their father.
I just dont feel very strong right now and by no means in any place to give advice in marriage. I just hate everyone telling me Im strong. We live in a small area and so I get the pity look or the are you ok? From people that are only acquaintences. I always said that I would never tolerate this from someone but I have all these years. I have no self esteem left.

I know i just need to file for the divorce. Its hard to let go of something you thought you were doing right.

Chrysalis123 posted 7/3/2019 16:42 PM

Go ahead and file for divorce. You can stop the divorce at at any time.

In the meantime, don't listen to his words. Watch his actions.

*If he goes above and beyond to show you remorse, without blaming you, without anger, and if he makes amends to everyone that you know, if he gives you a complete timeline and access to all his devices, if he accepts a post nuptial agreement, and submits to a polygraph....then MAYBE he will be a safe partner, if he can keep this line of behavior for a few years.

In the meantime, go to therapy yourself. You need support as you find your way to survive infidelity. Do not go to counseling with him unless you see the starred paragraph in action for at least 6 months to a year.

Do not help him fix this. It needs to be all on him. He managed to cheat, deceive, steal time and resources from you, and expose you to deadly diseases without your permission, as well as risking the kids losing their mother just fine without any help. If he wants the marriage badly enough he will figure out what to do.

If he does not, there is your answer.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Hugs to you.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 4:43 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

nekonamida posted 7/3/2019 16:48 PM

He wants to come back says he is sorry but I cant move past this.

I'd like to fix this for you. It has nothing to do with your ability to move past this because you could have if he stopped cheating. You gave him multiple chances and were doing okay until he did it again. The truth of your statement is, "But I can't give him an umpteenth chance to hurt me again when he has proven to me he can't be faithful and I deserve better."

dragonfly530 posted 7/3/2019 22:22 PM

Thanks all. Your words are so true. Ive avoided his constant messaging today and my boys are home this evening. We are in such a better place without all his 'stress'. I found a counselor and an in person support group .
Attorney is on vacation this week. Hopefully Monday I can get in there.

My self esteem is so low i just needed that reminder that I do deserve better. Sometimes coming from those who doesnt have a personal connection to shed insight.

dragonfly530 posted 7/3/2019 22:26 PM

Thanks all. Your words are so true. Ive avoided his constant messaging today and my boys are home this evening. We are in such a better place without all his 'stress'. I found a counselor and an in person support group .
Attorney is on vacation this week. Hopefully Monday I can get in there.

My self esteem is so low i just needed that reminder that I do deserve better. Sometimes coming from those who doesnt have a personal connection to shed insight.

anoldlion posted 7/3/2019 23:41 PM

This man has shown you who he really is time and time again. I am someone who believes in second chances if they are earned. I do not believe in third, forth , fifth chances and neither should you. It would take a flash of light and a voice from heaven to make him change now. But there will come a time when he gets old and worn and then he might change. My wife has a friend whose father cheated on her mother and abandoned them when she was about 6 years old. The girl grew up and married a very good man. They started a business together, became very well off financially, thriving business, big house, and a good life. One day when she was about 40 years old the door bell rang and when she answered there stood an old, sick, broken man. It was her father and he wanted to have a relationship with his daughter. She looked at him and then slowly closed the door. True story. It was too late. You need to quietly close the door on the husband that has brought you so much pain. I do wish you well.

The1stWife posted 7/4/2019 05:38 AM

Iím sorry for your experience in this marriage. However YOU should not feel broken or shattered. He should.

He cheated not because YOU were not void enough - he cheated despite the fact YOU were too good for him. He chose to throw away a living family and supportive and loving wife.

He is broken or flawed or has issues. Not you. I hope you know that. Restore your confidence in you. Know you have him chances to make better choices but he did not.

Understand HE screwed up. Not you.

My Hís Affair was devastating yet eye opening. I used to think he was so much better than me. After his affair I saw how strong I am/was and how my self confidence soared. During his Affair I kept my wits about me, made good decisions, stood up to him when needed and realized my life and happiness no longer center around him.

Chrysalis123 posted 7/4/2019 09:11 AM

I am someone who believes in second chances if they are earned. I do not believe in third, forth , fifth chances and neither should you.

This remind me of something someone once told me. They said

The first and maybe the second time he did this to you, you were a victim of his behavior. After that, all those other times....you volunteered to be abused.

Those words stung. Ouch! But SI helped me understand that words that triggered me, hurt me, and made me angry were where I needed to begin my healing.

I needed to explore my "why's" and then also realize how strong I was and how weak and broken he had always been.

It was not easy, and it was a very long journey to emotional well being. Some days, I am still a work in progress. But I am free, I am in charge of me, and I have truth.... I know exactly what is happening in my life.

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