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two weeks after D-day

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ChamomileTea posted 7/10/2019 09:12 AM

So, I only talked with the OBS for about an hour yesterday. She was not surprised at all. I get the feeling that there is no love in their marriage. She is concerned with their home and kids, but I advised her to check out this site and contact a lawyer because she seemed relieved, headed for D and views this as her way out because he is an awful husband.

People behave unpredictably in the JFO stage. No one was more surprised than ME to find I was open to R. My initial instinct was to get a divorce and I was moving in that direction. Time will tell.

Any suggestions about telling her or my family?

I would only tell people who were key to my healing. This isn't something you can change your mind about later, and to be honest, there came a point at which I regretted letting a few of those people know my business. You are not at ANY obligation to hide your WW's dirt. So, make your decisions based on your own needs, not hers.

Buster123 posted 7/10/2019 09:19 AM

Good job on exposing to OBS and by all means keep in touch with her, now I recommend you finish the job by exposing to her parents and close friends, I doubt you will get fired because after all you are the father of their grandchildren and they need to be provided for, of course if you wind up divorcing you may want to find another job anyway.

Again, FULL EXPOSURE is the most powerful weapon to destroy an A, right now she thinks about the A and POSOM as something magical, beautiful and romantic, after full exposure, typically that dynamic changes and the A now becomes the awful thing that damaged her reputation and integrity, the one thing that risked the stability of her life and children, it's a small town so chances are someone has seen them anyway, they work together so it's likely already the gossip around the cooler, so EXPOSE AWAY, it may shock her back to reality and commit to R, at least one of them will have to quit the job for that to be a possibility, but you're still a very far from that at this point since your WW is still on the fence, push her over and let her fight for the M if she really wants it and shows true remorse (not just regret of getting caught). You stated you may not want to R after all and that's OK too, especially since the only reason she didn't leave you for him is because he said no.

fareast posted 7/10/2019 12:16 PM

I agree with ChamomileTea Ďs advice. Use discretion when exposing. Make your decisions based on your own needs.

mrnicehockeyguy posted 7/10/2019 12:20 PM

Thanks for the additional input. Please keep it coming.

The OBS and POSOM come from a different culture and had an arranged marriage. The OBS told me that her FIL had affairs, and both her in-laws told her parents that their son should see other women. (WTF?!?!)

My WW and the POSOM work together at a hospital. These types of A happen all the time there apparently.

I am not worried about my job. My step FIL is generous and I am a key employee. Also, I believe if I did go full exposure, they would both be so horribly disappointed in her and take my side. I am a good father and both know it. That could break her down even further. She is in a deep dark lonely place right now. But that is her doing, not mine. Additionally my WW father cheated on her mom which led to their D, so my MIL would be very sympathetic to me.

After only three weeks, I know it is early, so I am proceeding with caution since once you tell someone, you can not un-tell them.

Also, I did just have a doctor visit, am going to get a full panel STD test and talked about a possible need for medication in the future depending on how I feel and in coordination with my therapist, but nothing for now other than maybe trying a sleep aide.


beenthereinco posted 7/10/2019 12:26 PM

My WW and the POSOM work together at a hospital. These types of A happen all the time there apparently.

T/J - Good God this happens all of the time. Hospitals are just hotbeds of infidelity aren't they? T/J Off

Marz posted 7/10/2019 12:27 PM

You are correct. Full nuclear exposure is not a good course of action IMO. It should be carefully targeted. With that said it is your best course of action if you want to try and save the marriage.

Consequences are a good thing.

MickeyBill2016 posted 7/10/2019 12:29 PM

He was mean to her at work, called her stupid, and has basically left her alone other than talking about necessary work stuff in view of others. She has told me other coworkers have noticed he has been miserable the last couple weeks. :)

She is bummed out, and sad that he's not flirting with her.
She is far from R material, not really looking to save her marriage yet. First she is sad that she may have lost the OM and secondly may have lost her family...but has the balls to tell you he was mean to her at work...SMFH

I'll bet the co-workers knew what was going on long before you did. When I worked at an office everyone knew George and Connie were screwing, they were not nearly as clever as they thought. Her co-workers are no doubt saying "Looks like trouble in paradise,
90% chance this is not his first rodeo and maybe not your WW either.

Has she gone for a STD test yet?

Edit to add - Mr Hockey, I think you made a typo - marriage date June 2019?

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 12:44 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Tortured posted 7/10/2019 14:07 PM

My advice is not to make any assumptions about how the in laws will behave. At best they will support both sides and thatís at best.

My XWH father cheated on his mother. She divorced him. Whilst his father immediately blamed me for his sons cheating, his mother was silent and has never spoken to me since DDay. Itís my understanding during their first conversation post email disclosure his whole family, she explained how much hurt his father caused during his affair but thatís where it ended. She supports her son. I was and still am dumbfounded over it. My ex was a serial cheater for all 12.5 years.

However, my best friends in laws still talk, help and support her when her husband cheated and they divorced.

Yes hopefully they wonít ruin your job because of the grandchildren. Personally I would start thinking about when in the future you will move positions. If you are key in a small company maybe this is a great opportunity to think about your own business in the future once the dust settles.

Marz posted 7/10/2019 14:20 PM

My advice is not to make any assumptions about how the in laws will behave. At best they will support both sides and thatís at best.

Wise advice. No one can predict how this may flush out.

OrdinaryDude posted 7/10/2019 14:38 PM

I concur about the in-laws, no telling how they will react.

Therefore I recommend some job shopping prior to any exposure, just so you are prepared to make a move if the need arises.

Stevesn posted 7/10/2019 16:05 PM


Iím concerned with what you and your WW are saying to each other.

Per my and other posts in this thread I think itís important to let her know you wonít share her and that she can go be with him and that you are moving on without her if she cannot say that you are her only love.

It sounds like your actions are starting to tell her that, and that is good. But do your words match your actions? Maybe you are just not telling us.

At some point it would be good to expose this to someone important to her. But I agree with taking time to decide who that should be.

Take care.

Butforthegrace posted 7/11/2019 06:59 AM

How are you doing? Any conversations with the WW last night?

A couple of thoughts. First, consider the fact that her sister knows about the affair (you learned about it while eavesdropping on their conversation) and may even be complicit. It is almost certain they are talking now about how to manage the aftermath of DDay. This will likely including messaging to family and friends. I do think you need to get in front of that.

Keep in mind that she has been lying and sneaking behind your back for a year. It has become her default mode. She's better at it than you are. She has practice covering her tracks before you stumble across them. You cannot safely assume she will suddenly change overnight and begin acting with honesty and good faith toward you. If she did, it would be highly unusual compared to most of the other WWs we see here.

Second, I hope you are implementing the 180 to create psychic space so you can find your heart's truth. Resist the urge to rug sweep, which at this stage is likely what she will begin pressuring you to do.

Third, you mentioned reading "Not just Friends". I'd recommend also reading "How To Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair". Your WW in particular ought to read this.

Finally, you'll know she is ready for and sincere about R if/when she starts taking concrete actions specifically to help you heal. That requires empathy - trying to see things from your point of view and understanding what you are feeling. You've not described your WWs actions of the past few days, so we dont know which direction she is going.

mrnicehockeyguy posted 7/11/2019 12:42 PM

Okay, so today's update:

My WW is probably fence-sitting. I am trying not to do the pick-me dance, but I guess honestly, it happens a little. I am pretty confident about most of the 180 and that I am going to be better off no matter what. She is saying some things that indicate R, but also some things that show a lack of remorse and that makes me doubtful for a 100% effort on her part.

I did add the HTHYSPFYA book to her amazon list and said I want to read it and she should read it too.

Full disclosure, we did have sex again last night and it was good for both of us. (it is nice to know that I am much better than him in bed!)

Also, today the OBS called me and I went to her house and we had a real good talk for a couple hours. She confronted the POSOM last night. Her MIL let it slip that it was me that told OBS.

I am thinking that the next step will how my WW reacts If/when the POSOM tells her that I went and exposed their A to the OBS.

It is funny how much my WW and the OM are alike, but different from me and the OBS as we are a lot alike.

ChamomileTea posted 7/11/2019 13:09 PM

I am thinking that the next step will how my WW reacts If/when the POSOM tells her that I went and exposed their A to the OBS.

This tells you whether NC was broken, although she might not admit to you that she knows. It's a good time to monitor her communications and check emails and phone records.

Butforthegrace posted 7/11/2019 13:14 PM

One litmus test could reside in her relationship with the sister. The sister knew about the A. We dont know if she supported it, but it's possible.

She is your sister in law. Your family. She didn't tell you about the A. What is your relationship with her? Good? It doesn't feel like she is a friend to the marriage, and may be an enemy to it.

It's tough to come between siblings.

mrnicehockeyguy posted 7/11/2019 13:24 PM

Oh, so I know that there is not 100% NC because they work together. I don't like it, want it to change, but both jobs would be tough to leave immediately. However, I am trying to be patient, but know that if neither leave, then R is probably not going to work.

The sister has a close bond with WW. She seemed upset with WW for doing it. She felt bad for me. I wouldn't expect her to tell me. (it would have been nice, or at least a hint) She only knew for two months, lives in another state, has her own issues.

I wouldn't call her a friend of the marriage exactly, but I wouldn't call her an enemy. I think she will be supportive of her sister either way this goes R or D.

I will be cordial since our kids are cousins.

Actually, when she did visit our house after I found out. She rode as a passenger on my motorcycle with me. It was the most fun I had since dday. My WW has never rode with me...

Marz posted 7/11/2019 14:09 PM

If your WW gets upset at you exposing the affair and she probably will I would just say. Sorry you feel that way OS deserved to know. Do not argue about it. If she continues then walk away.

They caused this so let them deal with it.

Butforthegrace posted 7/11/2019 15:57 PM

It just sunk in that your DDay is your actual anniversary. Not just your anniversary, but your 10th, and you found out as a result of a sequence of events that started when your WW denied you sex so that she could save herself for her boyfriend. If you guys stay together, it should make future anniversaries interesting.

MickeyBill2016 posted 7/11/2019 20:00 PM

I thnk that you are on the right path and D or R are still up for consideration depending if your WW comes around. In any event you will be ok. Not right away but you will recover.

I wouldn't call her a friend of the marriage exactly, but I wouldn't call her an enemy. I think she will be supportive of her sister either way this goes R or D

Blood is thicker than water...My SIL was put in the middle of things by my XWW. Eventually she told me enough when I had to get in touch with my WW (she was "staying" at a females friends place, actually out of town with POSOM) when an emergency popped up.
After the D at separate times, my MIL FIL and 3 of 4 of her siblings told me they think she lost her mind. I still am very close with my MIL and SIL and her husband, have not seen XW since the D. Got an email when my dad died.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 8:04 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

mrnicehockeyguy posted 7/11/2019 22:25 PM

So, a bit of good news, then a ton of bad...

Talking with WW tonight, she says OM mean to her today acting different. Good because he didn't tell her that I told OBS.

Then she asks me, you didn't tell her, did you? Well, I was not going to lie so I said yeah. She said I told you not to tell her. Hops in her car and drives off. Gone a half hour, won't answer phone. So I text, if you don't answer, I'm calling your mother. No reply. I call MIL and say I worried, she drove off.

MIL called her. She told her about the A.

WW comes back, screaming and cursing. Says it's over. Said I hate you. D. Now. Packs bag for a hotel and leaves.

Sent a bunch of angry texts.

Next step?

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