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two weeks after D-day

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anoldlion posted 7/3/2019 21:37 PM

Whoa, hold up a minute. Your wife actually called the MM POS and ask him how he wanted to proceed. No thought of you, your marriage or your children. You need to inform her, in plain understandable English, that YOU are the one who will now decide how to proceed. If this is a deal breaker then you will burn her and the MM's life to the ground. That everyone you and her knows will know exactly what has occurred that ended the marriage. She may get something in a divorce but she will collect it while standing in the ashes of her burnt down life. Keep remembering that you did nothing wrong. She is the one that put the last straw on the camel that broke his back. I do wish you well.

steadychevy posted 7/4/2019 07:11 AM

Your WW is unhappy that COWAP unchose her so she couldn't make the decision. She asked him what to do. She wanted him to say he wanted her. Just the fact that she went to him to ask indicates you are Plan B, at best. She says she doesn't know what she would have decided if he had said yes. So what. It wasn't marriage, family, kids, you. She wasn't sure. Too bad.

My WW apparently had said to her COW AP that she should maybe move in with him. He said no. She told her IC right after that that she was staying with me. Her IC didn't know she was cheating but just wanted her to be "happy". So she stayed with me and fucked him for 3 more years.

Tell OBS without warning. OBS has probably been fed BS about the spouse of someone he works with being crazy and jealous over nothing and who knows what he will do. Tell her. She needs to know. She needs to protect herself, her life and family and get tested for STDs. It's the humane thing to do.

Your wonderful WW needs to get tested for STDs. So do you. Full panel, I think it's called.

The fact she went to him to help her decide what to do is a big hurdle. I'm separated and will D so understand I have biases but that seems insurmountable to me.

ETA: Read Oldlion, just above, again. Play your cards close to your chest. Don't share your strategies with her. Right now she is the enemy not an ally.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 7:14 AM, July 4th (Thursday)]

SorrowfulMoon posted 7/4/2019 20:28 PM

I am really not sure why you would even consider reconciliation with her. The only reason she is with you is because he did not want her. In her mind she clearly puts him before you which means you are still in infidelity.

Before you decide anything you must get out of infidelity. Exposure is your most powerful weapon against an affair because affairs thrive on secrecy. NEVER shield a wayward from facing the consequences of their actions. All that does is enable and embolden them. It backfires EVERY time

I know it is an awful time for you but please stop being so passive. Inform the OBS immediately. If they get together after exposure, so be it. Then at least you know where you stand instead of living a lie with her for the sake of her convenience following her AP's rejection.

Western posted 7/4/2019 20:31 PM

you haven't posted since the questions rang in. Are you plan B ? What is your gameplan dude ?

ISurvived7734 posted 7/4/2019 21:18 PM

So she screws this other guy, you catch her and her response is to give the OTHER guy the choice on whether she stays in the marriage with you or not. If you are still living with her and even thinking about reconciliation then there is nothing to say to you...you're doomed.

MickeyBill2016 posted 7/4/2019 21:49 PM

She thinks there is something wrong with her and that she is a horrible person. She thinks she is selfish. She feels guilty.

Well, to be honest, she pretty much got it right. She wanted it all the stable hubby and family made her 75% happy and her boyfriend gave her another 25% of excitement and fun, so up until you found out she had it all.
A horrible person would call her BF and ask if he would like her to leave her family to be with him, a cheater. Why would he leave his family for a sidepiece, another cheater.

Time to get tested for STD as OM may not have been faithful to your WW or his BS. The OBS needs to know so she can be tested too.
I am sorry you are in the mess, but you will get a lot of advice here from folks who have seen it all. Hang in there.

Look into the 180 while she tries to wind down from a year or more of affair induced dopamine hits.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 11:05 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]

mrnicehockeyguy posted 7/8/2019 10:06 AM

An update after another week plus:

We took a family vacation over the long holiday weekend. Had some good talks. It was a good distraction for both of us.

WW has expressed that she will only interact professionally with OP. He has told her he will leave her alone. Both are going to look for other jobs. (I hope he is able to leave and she can keep her job)

She has scheduled appointment for IC. I have another IC session today.

Yesterday morning, we were intimate. It was good for both of us, but then after she cried and said she has ruined everything. Then she went for a long walk for exercise. Upon returning home, she admitted that the OP met her on the walk and she was very depressed that the A is over, she is losing a friend, complicated her workplace, messed up our relationship, messed up her whole life with me, house, kids, etc. The rest of the day was okay.

I am still really struggling with telling the OBS. I am concerned about how she will react. I hope it would be like me and take a wait and see approach, but fear that she could go scorched earth. Since we live in a small town, that would be bad for all involved - both families, all jobs, etc.

I am wondering about the advise on this site. If most replies have been about telling OBS, is that from the viewpoint of a possible R or a D.

ARock posted 7/8/2019 10:28 AM

If your wife's, woe-is-me attitude is still all about her - pining for what she thought she had, instead of all about you and how it has affected you and your family, she's not really a candidate for reconciliation.

As long as she interacts with him, however infrequently, she'll never be whole. She's been banging him for almost a year. It'll many times take longer than that - with absolutely no contact or reminders - for her to get over him.

If you're holding out hope to reconcile, 'scorched earth' is your friend. The more sunlight, the better. Having divorce papers drawn up and even served can be an effective part of your shock and awe campaign. You can even sue him for alienation of affection. (You won't win that case, but the process is the punishment.)

You have to pick the course that imparts the greatest value to you. You have to value yourself; no one else in your marriage does.

Once you've given up - and the timeline and final decision is all yours - then grey-rock and 180 is your best choice.

[This message edited by ARock at 10:36 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

Bigheart2018 posted 7/8/2019 10:29 AM

Dear mrnicehockeyguy,

You are struggling with telling the OBS? She has a right to know. The meetup was planned. Do you think this was a chance meeting. The affair and the communication is still intact. You are concerned in how your wife will react. Your WW wasn't concerned how you would react with the affair. Please, start showing some strength and protect your kids and your marriage. Stop being afraid of your shadow.

Best,
Bigheart

[This message edited by Bigheart2018 at 10:39 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 7/8/2019 10:31 AM

Seriously mrnice? You're considering not telling the OBS because it might have an effect on people's standing in the community? Would you appreciate people whispering behind your back because they know that your wife is screwing other men in the town (which she is)? If you don't reveal what you know to the OBS then you aren't helping the situation. And this has nothing to do with betrayed versus betrayer. This has to do with right and wrong. The truth, no matter how brutal or what its effects are, is right in every situation regardless of who is offering the advice. I hope you make the truthful choice.

40YOSL posted 7/8/2019 10:34 AM

Now you know why everyone told you to inform the OBS! If you had done that it would have been very unlikely he would have met WW on her walk.

Please inform the OBS in person if possible and provide all proof you have. Also tell her about him meeting up with WW on her walk. They are obviously still communicating even away from work. He didn't accidentally meet her on the walk.

The best way to kill an A is exposure and the most important is exposing to the OBS!

Have you exposed the A to anyone other than your failed attempt to expose to the OBS? I realize you work for your FIL but at this time I would expose to her parents.

Marz posted 7/8/2019 10:39 AM

Then she went for a long walk for exercise. Upon returning home, she admitted that the OP met her on the walk and she was very depressed that the A is over, she is losing a friend, complicated her workplace, messed up our relationship, messed up her whole life with me, house, kids, etc.

Bud, their affair isn't over. Poor muffin is playing the victim and you don't matter much.

You should wake up now.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:39 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 7/8/2019 10:41 AM

...and she just purposely (planned) a meet-up with the other man during her supossed 'walk'. Are you kidding me? The affair is still going on right in front of you and with your full knowledge. Unless you enjoy an open marriage, there are two things you should be vehemently pursuing. 1. Getting yourself out of infidelity no matter what it takes, and 2. immediately taking your life back. It's a scary process to be sure, but it's the choice between living in wreckage and dispair, or taking charge of the train wreck, forcing a cleanup of the mess, and living free and happy. You, like the rest of us, don't have many days left on this earth. Choose to live them free of drama and pain.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 10:45 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

Unhinged posted 7/8/2019 10:47 AM

I am wondering about the advise on this site. If most replies have been about telling OBS, is that from the viewpoint of a possible R or a D.
Well, I told the OBS everything I knew and how I knew it all and my FWW and I are reconciled, still married, still healing.

Most people, it seems to me, hesitate to tell the OBS for the same general reasons. Most people end up telling the OBS for the same general reasons, as well. Like you, I read all of those reasons on both sides of the issue. In the end, what finally pushed me over the edge is that I will not be an accomplice to infidelity. Their little secret was not a secret that I was going to keep for them.

The OBS deserves to know the truth about her life and her husband and marriage. Right now, you're probably the only one who can give her that gift.

ETA: worrying about how the OBS will react is reasonable, but I also suspect that it's more based upon Hollywood's formulaic scripts and bad TV shows.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 10:50 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

ChamomileTea posted 7/8/2019 10:57 AM

Then she went for a long walk for exercise. Upon returning home, she admitted that the OP met her on the walk and she was very depressed...

For exercise??? And the AP just happened to be out on a walk too, right?

C'mon. Does that make rational sense to you? She LIED about where she was going and why she was going out... again. She pacified you with sex and then went out to meet her AP, most likely for ego kibbles and drama.

Try reading through a copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. And really, give some further consideration to informing the OBS. You've become a co-conspirator at this point, and to your own detriment too. Nothing fizzles an illicit romance like being thrown under the bus because your boyfriend's wife found out.

Marz posted 7/8/2019 11:00 AM

You should download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" it's free and short.

You need it badly.

At this time you are getting played

ShutterHappy posted 7/8/2019 11:28 AM

To answer your original question, what is ruining your chance or R is this:

Upon returning home, she admitted that the OP met her on the walk and she was very depressed that the A is over

She should have gone No Contact, never wanting to talk to the AP, and be desperate to save her marriage. But you have a WW who takes walks and coincidentally meet her AP and is depressed to not see him. I can guarantee you that, in a week or two, they will be together again and you will be hurting.

Do not accept this. Tell her that she’s free to see her AP and that, in the mean time, you’re moving out of infidelity and will be seeing your lawyer.

Tigersrule77 posted 7/8/2019 12:27 PM

Your WW is giving every indication that you are plan B. She is depressed and everything is screwed up because OM said he didn't want to leave HIS M for her. Clearly they are still communicating. there is NO CHANCE they just HAPPENED to bump into each other on her walk.

The best reason to tell OBS is to take yourself out of infidelity, regardless of R or D. as long as you continue on your path, the A will continue, just more discreetly, or in this case, more obviously, but she will just lie to you about it. She "saw" him but they didn't kiss or have sex, they are just consoling each other on the end of the A. Sure.

Dyokemm posted 7/8/2019 12:33 PM

Your fear of blowing this A up by informing the OBS is continuing to allow this POS to meet up with and pursue the A with your WW.....

If you had already told OBS, the probability that POSOM would be meeting up with your WW to continue to discuss what happens now and how shitty it is that their fun is over would be minimal......he would have an irate BW on the warpath and most likely be avoiding your WW like the plague.

The fact she is still meeting this shitbag, and he is willing to do so, is entirely because you have not given him any reason to stop.....

Inform the OBS ASAP if you want any chance of ending this A.....

Because if you continue to allow this slug to meet your WW consequence free, he WILL eventually become bold enough to think you are never going to out him....and then he will try to restart the A, but this time taking it deep underground so it will be much more difficult for you to catch them.

People have been telling you this since you first showed up, based on their own experiences and offering advice to countless others on this site.....

If you don’t want to follow that advice, its OK.....but do not be surprised when you have another DDay.

beenthereinco posted 7/8/2019 12:50 PM

WW has expressed that she will only interact professionally with OP.

Upon returning home, she admitted that the OP met her on the walk

I'm confused. Do these two statements go together to you? Did she try to tell you it was an accident that they met or did she at least admit it was arranged?

Man I hate to tell you this but your WW is gone. She gave him the right of first refusal over you and continues to try to get him to take her offer. I have no idea why you aren't blowing this sky high. Tell the OBS, tell her job, file for divorce. What do you think you are gaining here? The Affair continues and as soon as the two of them get the courage and their plans together they are leaving. Seriously think here at what you are gaining by waiting. You get to have a wife that wants to be with another man, is depressed she can't be with him and is actively trying to be with him. She works with him and sees him outside of work as well and continues to have contact with him whenever she wants. Do you want this? Would you consider that winning here if a year from now you are in the same position?

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 12:50 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

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