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two weeks after D-day

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LightningCrashes posted 7/17/2019 19:50 PM

Your wife's behavior is outrageous and arrogant and selfish and disrespectful. Unfortunately it is not entirely shocking for waywards to act like this. That is why the 180 is so good. At this point you must detach detach detach to maintain your own sanity.

How are your children doing with all this drama?

I feel for you man. Just think if in fact you had actually gone out to a bar the night of your 10 year anniversary you still might not know anything was going on. In that sense all of this is good because you are finding your way out of infidelity and you are learning a lot about your wayward wife.

I am sorry this is happening to you.

SorrowfulMoon posted 7/17/2019 20:19 PM

I guess I am wondering if it was worth it? If the OM becomes a better husband and father and they stay together, but my marriage ends in D, should I have not told the OBS and waited for WW to come around? Would she have?

No, no, no, no and no again. Your WW has showed you at every stage of this distasteful process who she is and what she thinks of you. She is the one broken, not you.

Why would you even want to be with someone who thinks like that? She may change but at the moment detachment and divorce are your only options.

Butforthegrace posted 7/18/2019 06:03 AM

A fact pattern repeated here on SI many times: the BH tells the BOW; the BOW confronts the POSOM; POSOM decides to try to make it work with his BOW and dumps the WW; the WW comes crawling back to the BH seeking forgiveness and R. It happens so often it's almost a script.

The twist to your thread is that your WW is angry at you for busting her little fantasy party, and wants to divorce you because you interfered with her arrangement for fucking another man. Let that sink in for a mintue.

She's mad at you and wants to divorce you because you, her husband, broke up her little fuck fast with another womans husband. The levels of selfishness and entitlement are staggering.

My friend, she was totally checked out of your marriage long ago. You should consider yourself lucky that you discovered it. Had you gone to a bar that night, you'd still be in a sexless marriage and she'd still be fucking the asshole (and not fucking you).

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 6:33 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]

Bigger posted 7/18/2019 06:24 AM

I actually think the pattern is usually:

BH exposes affair to OMW.
OM dumps the WW and tries to save his marriage.
WW confronts BH, telling him that she had planned on giving the marriage another chance but the BH childish and foolish behavior by letting others know has completely wrecked that and now the only path is divorce. This is emphasized with door-slamming and sleep-on-the-couch demands and followed through with sessions of not talking to you anymore.

At this point the non-SI-compliant BH goes into panic-mode and starts groveling and thinking that now everything is over.
The SI-wise BH on the other hand simply goes and hits some balls at the driving range or has a 5-mile jog, then makes a sandwich and get’s some Ice-Tea and continues working on his actions needed to terminate the marriage. He hums along with his favorite play-list, helps the kids with homework and generally acts like someone that KNOWS he’s headed the right way. If his fuming WW tries to address some issues his stock response is:
WW: “I had planned on ending my friendship with John but your immature action in telling Jane really leave me with no option but to divorce you”
SI-wise BH: “I am sorry you feel that way. I might not agree with you but since you are committed to your affair and not our marriage there really isn’t any need to address these issues.”
And then calmly leaves the confrontational environment.

Give this 2-3 day and the WW will come to the same conclusion as a 4-year-old that threatens to hold its breath until it dies instead of eating its greens.

totallydumb posted 7/18/2019 07:45 AM

Bigger has hit this dead on.

Only thing I would add is:

BH decides he has had enough of WW behavior, disrespect, and lies, so files for divorce and calmly goes about making his life better without a cheater in it.

The1stWife posted 7/18/2019 08:13 AM

Hey. Bigger.

Excellent play by play.

In my case there was no other spouse. She was a single 29 year old looking at my H with $ signs in her eyes thinking she was moving into my life. ROFLMAO 🤣.

But I did tell him at DDay2 he was free to go. No further discussion except I was Divorcing him!!

Funny how fast things can change when the CS decides to put the marriage first and work on their issues.

Six years later we have a really good marriage and we are happy. Reconciled. He still continues to put me & marriage first.

But the year of his affair and him planning to D me was the year from hell. As we all know. I don’t know which is worse / the Affair or the fact he was planning to D me for the OW.

mrnicehockeyguy posted 7/19/2019 12:49 PM

5 week update:

WW sleeping in guestroom. Moved her stuff out of master bathroom, so now using kids bathroom.

I asked her what her plan is. She said we are separating. Says she can't afford an apartment. Has to figure something out.

Then asks me for the name of my lawyer. I tell her the firm name. I ask why she needs to know. She says because we can't use the same one.

So, I guess she is going to contact her own.
I had previously told her the other week that one lawyer could be used as a mediator to keep costs low. So much for that.

I have a scheduled appointment with my attorney Monday. I plan on telling her to serve the WW with D papers.

Not sure what to expect after that...

MickeyBill2016 posted 7/19/2019 13:05 PM

Not sure what to expect after that...

In her mind does separating = divorcing?

Nobody really does. There is a cheater handbook and the vast institutional knowledge from SI but you never can predict.
Serving her on Monday may or may not make any difference to her. She sounds a bit hard headed and always the smartest person in the room (as my XWW was)
IF the OM is gas lighting his BS and keeping the A alive with your WW she may be most of the way to D which will be "easier" for you. If she is anxious to move on to OM then you may get a better settlement with more custody and less alimony or CS. Let her go, you can just do what you need for you and kids. Not for her.
If OTOH the OM really is trying to save his M (I doubt it but who am I) she may have an epiphany and decide the M wasn't that bad. Now that 2 guys are not chasing her.
If OTOOH you are done with her bullshit find a way to get her another place to live. NC and Divorce.

PS we had one lawyer (who acted as mediator) as it was a simple divorce, no kids , sold a house, less than 10 years together is under CA law a short marriage.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 1:09 PM, July 19th (Friday)]

Tigersrule77 posted 7/19/2019 14:07 PM

My suggestion: Don't worry about what your WW is going to do. Take control of your life and decide what YOU want to do. What do you want to start doing with yourself? How do you want to spend the rest of the summer? Make your plans and start doing. Doesn't matter what she does, she is no longer your concern.

ChamomileTea posted 7/19/2019 14:35 PM

I have a scheduled appointment with my attorney Monday. I plan on telling her to serve the WW with D papers.

I'd split the banking on Monday too. In fact, you've still got some time today (and possibly tomorrow) to open a new account if you need to. That way, once you've cleared it with your attorney, you can move half the money out of your other accounts and into your new one. Don't forget to take your financial documentation and other important papers to the meeting.

Right now, your WW is only saying "separation". I don't think she'll be prepared for you to move faster than whatever pace she sets out. While it's okay to let her know that divorce wasn't your first choice, I think you do need to get control of the pace and of the narrative. Like I said earlier, it's still possible that she might pull her head out of her ass. But... this is the same woman who cheated on you for more than a year, went to her AP first once she was caught, and is currently throwing a little princess fit because you dared to tell the truth to the AP's wife. You need to protect yourself, your kids, and your assets. You can't trust her to have your best interests at heart just now.

faithfulman posted 7/19/2019 18:47 PM

Stop asking her what her plan is.

Make her react to your plans.

Marz posted 7/19/2019 21:38 PM

Stop asking her what her plan is.
Make her react to your plans

Whether you meant to or not this lets her know she's in control. Stop

Buster123 posted 7/20/2019 08:00 AM

Just have her served D papers without warning.

Butforthegrace posted 7/20/2019 08:51 AM

The eager willingness of your WW to go straight to D after DDay and exposure is unusual. Clearly she has been planning divorce in her mind for a long time. She is currently ahead of you. I concur with the others that you would do yourself a service by getting in front of (a) the messaging to your community, and (b) the divorce process.

Bigger posted 7/20/2019 09:42 AM

The only way I know of to deal with reality is reality.

To use a comparison: If your trusty old Ford F150 truck’s transmission broke down you would have several options. You could sell the old vehicle for scrap and get a new one or you could fix the transmission. If you fix you could choose between doing it yourself, buying a completely new transmission, fixing the old one or getting a refurbished one. If you decide to scrap the vehicle you would get a new one based on your finances and paying-ability.
What your wife is doing it this: She thinks the transmission is shot (your marriage) and she’s gone over to the Bentley dealership and ordered the most expensive with real Panda-fur seat-covers and elephant-ivory interior and pure gold plating (the affair and the future it brings). Only she hasn’t figured out how to pay and wants YOU to push her old F150 around while she waits for expected delivery of the Bentley. She’s not dealing with reality (as she sees it – your marriage being over) with reality.

Whether she can afford an apartment or not is not your issue. It’s not your Bentley to pay.
You do not allow your WW plan to control you. You are dealing with reality with reality.

That reality is that your wife has fired you from the role of husband. She has decided to divorce (or separate as she calls it). Honestly what you want doesn’t really matter if she insists on terminating the marriage. What matters is what you want within the reality you are in. That reality is that your wife is in an affair and wants to divorce.

Start detaching. Start acting all determined and content with what’s going on. After all – you think losing your wife is a much better deal than sharing her. Get the home valued. Can you afford to keep it? Would she want it as part of a D-settlement? Read up on divorce. What preparation can you do? What can you expect?

Start acting divorced. Tell stakeholders what’s going on. Do so in a direct and factual way:
“Wife and I are getting divorced. She is having an affair and wants to pursue that. Me I don’t share my wife and while she’s committed to her affair there isn’t any hope for our marriage.”

Stop any and all joint commitments. Stop going to family events together. Make her choice – her decision – real to everyone involved.

This has two effects: Once your WW realizes the Bentley has a hefty price-tag and isn’t really such a great vehicle she might start longing for that old F150. The other effect is that the further along YOU get the less the appeal of your wife will be.

LightningCrashes posted 7/20/2019 09:45 AM

Also get a copy of "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover and apply what you learn from it for the rest of your life!

mrnicehockeyguy posted 7/22/2019 09:19 AM

This past weekend:

Friday I kept the kids busy and did a bunch of stuff. She went to her mother's house for the night.

Saturday, I went to an event and was supposed to be gone for the night. I changed my plan without telling her and came home around 10:30pm. I was surprised, to find a babysitter at the house. She couldn't even be a mom for one night. Had to go out. Not sure with who. I tried calling the OBS, but no answer. She was supposed to be away for the weekend too. I want to talk to her to figure out if the WW met the OM again. I didn't even bother asking WW where she was, who she was with or anything.

I have a meeting with my lawyer today. Plan on serving her D papers tomorrow.

Also have another IC appointment tonight.

I have been thinking more and more lately that I don't like how she is getting comfortable with moving into the guest room. I think I just want her out of MY house. The sooner the better.

I will admit that without her and the kids, I often feel very lonely. But still riding the rollercoaster of emotion - sad, mad, hopeful, lonely, etc.

ChamomileTea posted 7/22/2019 11:59 AM

That would have pissed me off to come home and find a babysitter when I thought my kids were with a parent. When mine were little, I had a whole different protocol for when the kids were with a sitter, which included making sure I had a background check, that the sitter had my contact info and knew where I'd be, and I would also call to check in.

You might want to talk with your attorney about how to divide child care while still making sure that security standards are in place. Possibly a "right of first refusal" while you're legally separated to ensure that your kids don't just get dumped off on whoever is available.

MickeyBill2016 posted 7/22/2019 12:21 PM

Too bad she did that, obvious that she has given up on being a mom too.
If OBS was out of town and OM is in town the smart money is on a meet up. She has her priorities...

Shockedmom posted 7/22/2019 12:47 PM

If custody is going to be an issue please begin documenting the amount of baby sitting. It may help when you ask for first right of refusal in the future.

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