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Helping or hurting

ButterflyBeauty posted 6/27/2019 20:56 PM

I apologize Iím advance doe the long post. I have noticed that there are people who mean well and think they are helping when they really end up causing confusion, making things worse or disrupt the healing process.
From the beginning of this nightmare my WH and I selected a few people we really trust to help support us (emotionally and spiritually) through this journey. The people we selected we are very close to, have a lot of respect for and trust their counsel. We know they love us and we can count on them. These are our go to people. We havenít told anyone else including family about what we are going through except our counselors.
I am very grateful for the people that we have in our lives. However there have been times that I have found myself being hurt/upset and even angry by something someone has said while meaning well or trying to help. I donít think it is intentional at all, I know there are things they just donít understand. Even if they experienced some form of infidelity it doesnít mean they understand what Iím going through. We all process things differently and are affected by infidelity differently. What is frustrating is when they say something that disrupts the R process for me and my WH. It also saddens me that the relationship I had with one of my closest friends has drastically changed. The dynamic is completely different, because I am different. I know there are things I can not discuss with her and I miss our relationship.
I understand people want to encourage the BS to move forward and not stay ďstuckĒ in the past but I donít think they realize how much pressure this adds to our situation. Especially when we already get rhisnlressude from our WS and ourselves.
I have gotten comments like, ďyou canít keep living in the pastĒ. ďThatís not happening now or anymoreĒ. That seems a little overboard to me or why are you still talking about that/ why is it still coming up? At some point you need to move on Etc. things like that. Again given the context of the conversations they think they are helping but I find it frustrating to feel like I have to defend or explain anything about where I am on this journey.
I noticed this several times with WHís IC that we have begun seeing for MC a few times. There have been times that Iíve had to explain several things to make the IC aware of the reasons behind by issues concerns or triggers so he doesnít assume Iím just over the top paranoid for no reason.
It amazes me the judgement and labels that get put on BS.
Furthermore I feel like it interferes with our R progress as my WH may entertain some of the careless things people casually throw out there without all the facts. That is really frustrating!
Itís like IC is trying to steer us in the wrong direction. (We recently went back to our previous counselor who has known us for years. She is more knowledgeable about all of our issues so itís harder for that stuff to happen).
I was taken back when someone close to me recently asked how we were doing. I let my H answer. The person then asked me if I was letting things go to move forward or if I was carrying the things from the past to the present. It didnít feel like a question- it felt like a judgement. I reminded myself this person doesnít fully know or understanding all the details of what has happened during our R so I let it go but it hurt! My response was that The past I was unaware of is now becoming a part of my reality. It isnít the past for me it is the present and I am learning how to live in the day to day mess of this new reality as best as I can.
Anyway my apologies for venting but Iím just wondering has anyone else experienced this and how do you handle it?

Wintergarden posted 6/28/2019 05:50 AM

I've shared my situation with a wide range of friends, family, SI and IC. I always believed we were heading for D and they would find out anyway. Also I cut myself off from groups of friends, hobbies and especially social media (just couldn't bear to see everyone's falseness anymore) people wonder why you are not taking part anymore. Some deserve an answer some don't.

WH told no one, other than his BF who was also his cover. He talks to me often of what is going on in his head, our future and the effect of his past behaviour.

Unfortunately everyone feels they should give advice. Mostly it's horror at why you are still together in limbo with a man that doesn't want to commit because he's frightened the M will never be what I want it to be. They want it wrapped up and moved on quicker than you can get a takeaway. If I've learnt one thing during this shit it's you can't rush the most important decisions of your life. What either of you feel one month changes by the next. I try not to live on hopium, I try to be realistic that one day it may be just me, but for now I take a day at a time.

Nobody knows you as intimately as your spouse. Nobody knows your relationship, your sex life, your love. Nobody but you. Advice is okay as long as you listen and don't act. Only act on what you believe is right for you. Don't let others hurt you any more than you are already hurting.

OwningItNow posted 6/28/2019 05:57 AM

It is hard to know if they are being judgy or if they know things they do not want to rugsweep. Either way, your life is your own. You get to live it how you want. You are actually asking about how to put some boundaries in place with these people. You have a few choices.

1. Let it go in one ear and out the other. "That's interesting. Thanks."
2. "I'd rather not discuss it, if you don't mind. But thank you."
3. "I understand you care, but this is not a subject I feel open to. Can I ask that we avoid this subject from now on? Great."
4. "Mom, if you insist on commenting on my marriage, I am going to have to start leaving. I don't want to leave, but when you go there--well, I am going to walk out. Ok?" Then actually do it.

You have to lovingly but firmly tell people to get out of your business. And walk away or stop showing up if they continue to cross your boundary. Be strong. It's your life and you'll handle it.

crazyblindsided posted 6/28/2019 19:59 PM

Usually I have to explain that infidelity is a trauma and is abuse and that's why the thoughts come up over and over again. DO people who go to war forget and leave it behind? Or people that lose a child should they get over it? What about those of us who were sexually abused should we get over it?

I find people like this to be unenlightened.

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