I apologize I’m advance doe the long post. I have noticed that there are people who mean well and think they are helping when they really end up causing confusion, making things worse or disrupt the healing process.
From the beginning of this nightmare my WH and I selected a few people we really trust to help support us (emotionally and spiritually) through this journey. The people we selected we are very close to, have a lot of respect for and trust their counsel. We know they love us and we can count on them. These are our go to people. We haven’t told anyone else including family about what we are going through except our counselors.
I am very grateful for the people that we have in our lives. However there have been times that I have found myself being hurt/upset and even angry by something someone has said while meaning well or trying to help. I don’t think it is intentional at all, I know there are things they just don’t understand. Even if they experienced some form of infidelity it doesn’t mean they understand what I’m going through. We all process things differently and are affected by infidelity differently. What is frustrating is when they say something that disrupts the R process for me and my WH. It also saddens me that the relationship I had with one of my closest friends has drastically changed. The dynamic is completely different, because I am different. I know there are things I can not discuss with her and I miss our relationship.
I understand people want to encourage the BS to move forward and not stay “stuck” in the past but I don’t think they realize how much pressure this adds to our situation. Especially when we already get rhisnlressude from our WS and ourselves.
I have gotten comments like, “you can’t keep living in the past”. “That’s not happening now or anymore”. That seems a little overboard to me or why are you still talking about that/ why is it still coming up? At some point you need to move on Etc. things like that. Again given the context of the conversations they think they are helping but I find it frustrating to feel like I have to defend or explain anything about where I am on this journey.
I noticed this several times with WH’s IC that we have begun seeing for MC a few times. There have been times that I’ve had to explain several things to make the IC aware of the reasons behind by issues concerns or triggers so he doesn’t assume I’m just over the top paranoid for no reason.
It amazes me the judgement and labels that get put on BS.
Furthermore I feel like it interferes with our R progress as my WH may entertain some of the careless things people casually throw out there without all the facts. That is really frustrating!
It’s like IC is trying to steer us in the wrong direction. (We recently went back to our previous counselor who has known us for years. She is more knowledgeable about all of our issues so it’s harder for that stuff to happen).
I was taken back when someone close to me recently asked how we were doing. I let my H answer. The person then asked me if I was letting things go to move forward or if I was carrying the things from the past to the present. It didn’t feel like a question- it felt like a judgement. I reminded myself this person doesn’t fully know or understanding all the details of what has happened during our R so I let it go but it hurt! My response was that The past I was unaware of is now becoming a part of my reality. It isn’t the past for me it is the present and I am learning how to live in the day to day mess of this new reality as best as I can.
Anyway my apologies for venting but I’m just wondering has anyone else experienced this and how do you handle it?