I think that you have decided to detach a little to survive this rather than doing the Pick Me. Would you agree? And from what I have seen here, when people reach a place of strength sooner rather than later, they do feel better--not great but not as weak and unstable. It is my belief that when a BS immediately feels like, "I can't live without you! No! Please, I can't lose you!" it almost cancels out the "How could you f-ing do this to me?!" in its desperation. And that feeling is a much more out of control, panicky feeling of loss and abandonment. But for those who manage to tap into their strength, they avoid that whole onslaught and only (?) deal with "I can't believe you f-ing did this to me!"
There is something called complicated grief, and it's actually worse than regular grief. Complicated grief is when you know you've lost someone but they are still present (on life support, for example) or when someone is not present anymore, but you don't want to or can't admit they are gone (they are missing, for example). You cannot properly grieve the loss of this person because other emotions are getting in the way, emotions like hope or guilt. The grief lasts a long time due to the complicated feelings you hold simultaneously. It's agony.
It is my opinion that betrayal is a form of complicated grief. We don't know if we've lost this person or not, and our many different emotions keep us from being able to properly grieve. What did we lose? It's hard to name it. It's not our fault, we don't choose to complicate this. But how do we grieve what we have lost when we struggle to name it? If our WS wants R, then people don't expect any grief from us at all, yet we are consumed with a sense of loss. If our WS does not want R, we're not sure if that's permanent loss or a temporary one. Is my spouse gone? Or maybe our brain will not accept that truth because our spouse is right here. They are not really gone. But are they? I mean, does my old spouse even exist anymore? It's an awful feeling that many, many betrayeds rightly cannot handle. The grief is so damn complicated.
If you are lucky enough to have an inner strength that is allowing you to grieve properly and accept what you have lost and may still lose, then that is great. Some people like you are lucky to find they have a core strength that serves them well. But if this grief hits you again as grief will often do, then that will be ok, too. You will handle it. You seem to have a firm grip on your capabilities and a love for your WS that is not based in need. That is a very healthy thing. I hope you continue to feel better and better, but if the bad days come again, let them. I can still tell you will be fine.
