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More Stable than I thought

NoMoreRugSweepin posted 6/27/2019 15:38 PM

DD was only a month and a half ago. Official NC sent only 3 weeks ago. I went through weeks of being unable to sleep or eat or not randomly break down crying.

It was a year and half LTA and long distance at that. He had been doing sketchy things for long before like looking at Craigslist personals and I caught him planning to meet up with another woman before we were married.

For at least a year I knew something was going on but couldn't fully prove it as I let him just deny and rug sweep. This is his final chance. I had been close to leaving twice in the past year. I can't say we are reconciling yet though he is putting in the effort. I have sent him the link to here and it helped stop the TT and instead opened the gates. I only sent it since he seemed to have some level of remorse. He pulled what he could that he hadn't deleted at DD when I should have just demanded his phone on the spot. I felt between that and his honesty of her contacting him after the NC and how ramped up crazy she was enough to show me he is going to try, but I am still prepared to end it if actions prove otherwise.

I had panic attacks and nightmares and yet today and the past week I feel fine. I feel like I can breathe for the first time in ages. I am avoiding HB as if he fucks up anytime soon I will regret it. I don't feel codependent as I am mentally ready to kick him out if I have to but I am appreciating his effort. I don't trust him at all but it feels weird I am ok and not a sobbing mess right now. I don't think I am still in shock as I had been waiting for impact and yes it still sucked.

Its really only been 6 weeks yet I feel ok. I feel like I will survive this, question is will it be alone or with him and its all on him to follow through now. I just feel like I am supposed to still be in a bad place and a mess so I am just waiting for something to happen to tear me back down again. Guess I should just enjoy the calm until days that I can already feel are triggers get closer.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 6/27/2019 19:22 PM

Yes...ENJOY the calm . It isnít called an emotional rollercoaster for nothing. Before you know it though...the dips wonít be so low...and it will seem like a kiddie rollercoaster.

Stronger2 posted 6/28/2019 04:03 AM

I'm afraid it's unlikely that you will feel as you have described for long. Absolutely do enjoy the respite but don't be disheartened if you plummet again soon and repeatedly. You're still in shock and likely will be for a long time. I remember feeling really very good one day very early after DD1. I'm a long way out from DD2 now and still struggling greatly. I hope your stability lasts but in my case that feeling was my mind protecting itself from shock rather than something more lasting.
You are very very early out - take each day as it comes and look after yourself.

FinDad posted 6/28/2019 04:59 AM

I am over year from DD and still totally rollercoasting. Maybe two days have been the maximum amount of time when things have been stable. Earlier the drop from the sky was bad, just as you thought you're better, only to find out you're not. As the time has passed, I don't anymore expect to stay up. Then the bad day doesn't hurt so bad anymore.

OwningItNow posted 6/28/2019 05:32 AM

I think that you have decided to detach a little to survive this rather than doing the Pick Me. Would you agree? And from what I have seen here, when people reach a place of strength sooner rather than later, they do feel better--not great but not as weak and unstable. It is my belief that when a BS immediately feels like, "I can't live without you! No! Please, I can't lose you!" it almost cancels out the "How could you f-ing do this to me?!" in its desperation. And that feeling is a much more out of control, panicky feeling of loss and abandonment. But for those who manage to tap into their strength, they avoid that whole onslaught and only (?) deal with "I can't believe you f-ing did this to me!"

There is something called complicated grief, and it's actually worse than regular grief. Complicated grief is when you know you've lost someone but they are still present (on life support, for example) or when someone is not present anymore, but you don't want to or can't admit they are gone (they are missing, for example). You cannot properly grieve the loss of this person because other emotions are getting in the way, emotions like hope or guilt. The grief lasts a long time due to the complicated feelings you hold simultaneously. It's agony.

It is my opinion that betrayal is a form of complicated grief. We don't know if we've lost this person or not, and our many different emotions keep us from being able to properly grieve. What did we lose? It's hard to name it. It's not our fault, we don't choose to complicate this. But how do we grieve what we have lost when we struggle to name it? If our WS wants R, then people don't expect any grief from us at all, yet we are consumed with a sense of loss. If our WS does not want R, we're not sure if that's permanent loss or a temporary one. Is my spouse gone? Or maybe our brain will not accept that truth because our spouse is right here. They are not really gone. But are they? I mean, does my old spouse even exist anymore? It's an awful feeling that many, many betrayeds rightly cannot handle. The grief is so damn complicated.

If you are lucky enough to have an inner strength that is allowing you to grieve properly and accept what you have lost and may still lose, then that is great. Some people like you are lucky to find they have a core strength that serves them well. But if this grief hits you again as grief will often do, then that will be ok, too. You will handle it. You seem to have a firm grip on your capabilities and a love for your WS that is not based in need. That is a very healthy thing. I hope you continue to feel better and better, but if the bad days come again, let them. I can still tell you will be fine.

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