Hello!
I'm a little bit further away than "just found out" than most. Situation is complex… kind of tired of talking/thinking about it.
Basic background
Both early 30s.
I live abroad in China
Wife is Chinese. I'm from the US
Been together for 7 years
Been married 1.5 years
No kids
A house
She's pregnant with OM's child.
OM was married and has a 4 year old.
Our situation is very complex. I don't really know where to start without turning this into a 20 page journal entry.
I’ll start by saying our relationship has been very toxic. I personally feel that while we both have our own set of issues, the ones she brings to the table are what make everything a lot worse. She’s very selfish, inconsiderate, and has poor communication skills. I usually put others before me, I’m very empathetic. I guess my communication skills are ok, but sometimes I can become very withdrawn when I feel like I’m not being heard. I’m not easy, but she quickly becomes impossible.
A big point of contention in our relationship was when to start trying to conceive. I’ll simply state she was being very unreasonable, yet convinced herself and everyone else I was the unreasonable one.
I found out in March about the OM. Though it was mostly an emotional thing. It didn’t bug me too much. Used it as an opportunity to communicate with her. We started trying to conceive shortly after. She said she’d break up with him
Her period came end of March. No sex since her period. April 1st she wanted a divorce. That’s when I found out they had been having unprotected sex this entire time. I freaked out.
Short separation. She mentioned ending it a few times. Then we found out she was pregnant. She still wanted to end it with him. She never did of course. I ended up moving out 5/22. I work in a different city and my company provides an apartment, so I’m staying here.
OM divorced beginning of June, in part due to pressure from my wife. Current mindset of STBXW is to be a single mother.
During this period her business failed, and her massive debt came to light. It also seems the OM lost everything in his divorce, has no place (currently staying at “our” apartment from what I understand). She’s unemployed, and he probably still is as well (his job was given to him by BOS’s Uncle). Apparently he has some debt or something as well.
ATM, she really needs my name on a birth permit to have this child without a hassle, whatever that means. I’m trying to find out more about that at the moment. I don’t understand the law here.
This entire time, constantly switching between wanting to be with me, to wanting to be with him, to wanting to divorce, to now wanting to be a single mother.
So here’s where I’ll write about my journey through all this.
0) I should have just STFU and got a counselor ASAP and talked with them. My conflicted nature made things worse.
1) Very hurt. Feels like PTSD. Panic attacks. Crying everywhere up until about a week ago. Lots of blackout drunk nights that made things worse.
2) Originally did a 360. Now at the 180. Mentioned not signing the permit today. That upset her.
3) I hate how she doesn’t acknowledge my pain.
4) I hate how she questions my love. Even now, as I write this, I still deeply wish to reconcile.
5) She’s a very poor partner choice for me. That’s what’s giving me the strength to go through with the divorce.
6) I think the healing library has good intentions, but I think a lot of the good intentioned stuff is perhaps a powerful nocebo.
7) I’m not opposed to having a lover. I even originally suggested we change some of our boundaries because of how common infidelity is here. What hurts most is losing my wife. It’s like she suddenly died. What hurts next are all the lies. And finally, the fact that this child is more important to her than our 7 years together.
8) I really like Esther Perel’s book, though I have a feeling most people here aren’t of that mind set. I personally wish I could understand what this affair meant to her. But I recognize not everyone can handle that.
9) Not contacting her for a week has helped a lot. Had a bit of a panic attack today after we talked, did some binge eating, and am tipsy from beer…. Better than before but still not quite where I’d like to be.
10) I think getting better is a mindset as well. TBH I don’t want to “get better” just yet. That’s why I’m drinking right now. But I’ll be ready to “get better” once we’re divorced, I have my money, and I can eliminate contact.
11) I do strength training and I will say that being in the gym definitely helps my mood quite a bit. Not just a simple job. Really really hard physical work. I’ve cried a couple of times while training, but generally speaking, I feel best on the days I train. I suggest others try that too.
12) How do I feel as a Betrayed Husband with a pregnant wife. Lost. There’s not a lot of help for people in my position. That’s why I’m posting my story here. Almost everything seems to be aimed at wives with husbands who got someone else pregnant. My thoughts…. If you can accept the situation and still keep reconciliation on the table, you’re one tough dude. However, don’t keep it on the table to prove how good of a man you are. Think of it this way. Why should we bend over backwards to take on more responsibility? Would you beg your boss to give you unpaid overtime? No.
I think part of me has been so forgiving because I want to show everyone I'm a good man. I think I've proven that point. I think she's inadvertently shown how bad of a person she can be. But I'm realizing it's not worth messing up my life to prove a point. In fact, that's exactly what I feel like she's doing. So my advice... it's ok to walk away. It's ok to stay. Make sure she's capable of bringing quite a bit back to the relationship if you decide to stay.
Make sure YOU decide to stay. Not, she decides to stay. You. You. You. Stop thinking about her. Think about YOU.
