"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Ganondorf posted 6/24/2019 12:16 PM

Hello!
I'm a little bit further away than "just found out" than most. Situation is complex… kind of tired of talking/thinking about it.

Basic background

Both early 30s.
I live abroad in China
Wife is Chinese. I'm from the US
Been together for 7 years
Been married 1.5 years
No kids
A house
She's pregnant with OM's child.
OM was married and has a 4 year old.

Our situation is very complex. I don't really know where to start without turning this into a 20 page journal entry.

I’ll start by saying our relationship has been very toxic. I personally feel that while we both have our own set of issues, the ones she brings to the table are what make everything a lot worse. She’s very selfish, inconsiderate, and has poor communication skills. I usually put others before me, I’m very empathetic. I guess my communication skills are ok, but sometimes I can become very withdrawn when I feel like I’m not being heard. I’m not easy, but she quickly becomes impossible.

A big point of contention in our relationship was when to start trying to conceive. I’ll simply state she was being very unreasonable, yet convinced herself and everyone else I was the unreasonable one.

I found out in March about the OM. Though it was mostly an emotional thing. It didn’t bug me too much. Used it as an opportunity to communicate with her. We started trying to conceive shortly after. She said she’d break up with him
Her period came end of March. No sex since her period. April 1st she wanted a divorce. That’s when I found out they had been having unprotected sex this entire time. I freaked out.

Short separation. She mentioned ending it a few times. Then we found out she was pregnant. She still wanted to end it with him. She never did of course. I ended up moving out 5/22. I work in a different city and my company provides an apartment, so I’m staying here.

OM divorced beginning of June, in part due to pressure from my wife. Current mindset of STBXW is to be a single mother.

During this period her business failed, and her massive debt came to light. It also seems the OM lost everything in his divorce, has no place (currently staying at “our” apartment from what I understand). She’s unemployed, and he probably still is as well (his job was given to him by BOS’s Uncle). Apparently he has some debt or something as well.

ATM, she really needs my name on a birth permit to have this child without a hassle, whatever that means. I’m trying to find out more about that at the moment. I don’t understand the law here.

This entire time, constantly switching between wanting to be with me, to wanting to be with him, to wanting to divorce, to now wanting to be a single mother.

So here’s where I’ll write about my journey through all this.

0) I should have just STFU and got a counselor ASAP and talked with them. My conflicted nature made things worse.
1) Very hurt. Feels like PTSD. Panic attacks. Crying everywhere up until about a week ago. Lots of blackout drunk nights that made things worse.
2) Originally did a 360. Now at the 180. Mentioned not signing the permit today. That upset her.
3) I hate how she doesn’t acknowledge my pain.
4) I hate how she questions my love. Even now, as I write this, I still deeply wish to reconcile.
5) She’s a very poor partner choice for me. That’s what’s giving me the strength to go through with the divorce.
6) I think the healing library has good intentions, but I think a lot of the good intentioned stuff is perhaps a powerful nocebo.
7) I’m not opposed to having a lover. I even originally suggested we change some of our boundaries because of how common infidelity is here. What hurts most is losing my wife. It’s like she suddenly died. What hurts next are all the lies. And finally, the fact that this child is more important to her than our 7 years together.
8) I really like Esther Perel’s book, though I have a feeling most people here aren’t of that mind set. I personally wish I could understand what this affair meant to her. But I recognize not everyone can handle that.
9) Not contacting her for a week has helped a lot. Had a bit of a panic attack today after we talked, did some binge eating, and am tipsy from beer…. Better than before but still not quite where I’d like to be.
10) I think getting better is a mindset as well. TBH I don’t want to “get better” just yet. That’s why I’m drinking right now. But I’ll be ready to “get better” once we’re divorced, I have my money, and I can eliminate contact.
11) I do strength training and I will say that being in the gym definitely helps my mood quite a bit. Not just a simple job. Really really hard physical work. I’ve cried a couple of times while training, but generally speaking, I feel best on the days I train. I suggest others try that too.
12) How do I feel as a Betrayed Husband with a pregnant wife. Lost. There’s not a lot of help for people in my position. That’s why I’m posting my story here. Almost everything seems to be aimed at wives with husbands who got someone else pregnant. My thoughts…. If you can accept the situation and still keep reconciliation on the table, you’re one tough dude. However, don’t keep it on the table to prove how good of a man you are. Think of it this way. Why should we bend over backwards to take on more responsibility? Would you beg your boss to give you unpaid overtime? No.

I think part of me has been so forgiving because I want to show everyone I'm a good man. I think I've proven that point. I think she's inadvertently shown how bad of a person she can be. But I'm realizing it's not worth messing up my life to prove a point. In fact, that's exactly what I feel like she's doing. So my advice... it's ok to walk away. It's ok to stay. Make sure she's capable of bringing quite a bit back to the relationship if you decide to stay.

Make sure YOU decide to stay. Not, she decides to stay. You. You. You. Stop thinking about her. Think about YOU.

kickedintheknads posted 6/24/2019 12:21 PM

Gan,
First, sorry you are here. My advice to you is get as far away from that woman as you can. She is seriously broken, and you can't fix that.
I wish you luck. There will be others along shortly more qualified to address your situation.

Freeme posted 6/24/2019 12:38 PM

Wanted to start by giving you links to two other thread that have men dealing with similar situations. Theirs are worse in that other children are involved. Please read and focus on posts about signing the birth certificate. Your WW is basically telling you she wants to be a single parent but name you as the father so that you can pay CS until the baby is 18. Really think about that. She is showing no remorse, still seeing OM but wants you to sign the BC of a child that is not yours?!??? Please see a lawyer - ASAP.

This thread has a link in the start that starts from where you are now...Currently they are in mediation.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=635561&HL=69430

Another recent post with a similar situation - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=636050&HL=69430

Please don't stand by hoping this will work out or sweep it under the rug. She isn't committed to the marriage and doesn't see what she has done to you.

Tren0R201 posted 6/24/2019 12:51 PM

You got to start respecting yourself before you can gain respect of others.

You stay, you will probably reap a lifetime of pain, but it's your choice. You are a grown adult.

Ganondorf posted 6/24/2019 12:59 PM

@Kicked

Well I'm in a different city. That's a start. Not trying to fix anything at this point. I'm doing my best to let go.

@Freemee

I'm not in the US. I'm in China. So... hard for me to do all this here.

They have two documents here. A birth permit, and a birth certificate. I'm trying to find out more about what putting my name on the permit means. I've had conflicting advice from lawyers. But if there aren't any negative consequences, then signing may be in my best interest.

As an expat in China, things can be very difficult. It's in my best interest to keep her as happy as possible, unfortunately. Keeping her happy may also mean I can get more from out property. Unfortunately I'm not in a position to sue her even if i wanted to, and if I wanted to, I'm not sure it'd be worth the expense. I could walk way without the money. It's not a tremendous amount. But, I could use it to do something nice for myself. Like LASEK. Or Invisalign. Maybe even both. So I'd rather get as much as I can with an easy divorce.

As for those other 2, I've read through their threads already =).I agree that right now she isn't committed.

layla1234 posted 6/24/2019 13:03 PM

I don't know the law there, but definitely do NOT put yourself as the father unless you want to be responsible for a child that is not yours until it is 18. She is trying to manipulate you.

heartbroken_kk posted 6/24/2019 13:27 PM

You need to make your decisions based on the fact that you are an American. If you lose your job and decide to go back to the US, and the birth certificate of the child lists you as the father, then you could find yourself a few years down the road with a new job at home, and a child support order for some other dude's child requiring payments to your wife in China.

LAWYER, STAT

Also, you can't fix her. It's not that your relationship has been toxic. It's that SHE'S TOXIC.

Please divorce her and make certain that you are not named the parent for the OC.

Fbtjax posted 6/24/2019 13:33 PM

Gan, if the child isn't yours, do not put your name on anything. File for divorce and have her served. Walk away while you can. It sucks, but your wife doesn't love you, and she's using you for a bank account and a roof over her head. Let she and her unemployed baby daddy figure out what they're doing with their new family. You deserve better. Don't be a cuck.

Questioningall posted 6/24/2019 13:41 PM

It sounds like you want to divorce and you don’t want to be the father to this child, so why put your name to anything legal pertaining to the child? If you’re legally down as the father of this baby, does that give the kid dual citizenship? Could that (and the potential to immigrate) be part of why your WW wants you to sign the birth permit? Would the OM be in trouble for fathering a second child? Think long and hard before you sign anything that could make you the child’s father.

Thissux posted 6/24/2019 14:21 PM

In 5 years on this site, I can say that your case is the most cut and dried I've ever seen.

Pack a bag and go directly to the airport and come home.
She's pregnant with another man's child and you've only been married 1.5 years. Wtf?
Youre in a foreign country where th an adulterous wife who wants to use your name to solve her scarlet letter problem

Seriously , stop typing and leave today! You'll see things more clearly when you're physically away from that nightmare. It's as clear as day to me. You're being used and have been for some time now.

survrus posted 6/24/2019 15:25 PM

Gan,

Speak with your WWs parents about this they will likely pressure your WW to go with the OM.

DON'T SIGN ANYTHING, there is no upside for you, she is no longer your problem she is OMs problem.

Divorce as quickly as possible.

There are millions of women in China or find a less traditional woman in Hong Kong or Taiwan.

MamaDragon posted 6/24/2019 15:31 PM

do not allow your WW to put you on that child's birth certificate.

I'd divorce her as of yesterday - see a lawyer pronto please!

She sounds very toxic

Carissima posted 6/24/2019 16:01 PM

Rather than talk to a lawyer I would visit my embassy or consulate. Phone or email them if you can't go in person, they should have people there who know the local laws and who can explain them to you with no danger of miscommunication or misinterpretation. Hopefully they'll be able to help you through the process you decide to follow. Do this asap you don't know how long the process will take.

HalfTime2017 posted 6/24/2019 16:09 PM

Gan, first off do not let her put your name on that child's birth certificate. What are you thinking? You're going to screw yourself.

If youre early 30s, you'll find another wife. Don't worry about that. But if you tie yourself to a child that is not yours, you've only complicated things and will make yourself suffer financially. Don't sign anything. Like others have said, expose her, get an attorney and get the hell away from her. Let her and her broke ass boytoy deal with the child. Do not get suckered into it.

There is another person on this site, Director23 that went through the same thing you are going thru now. Read his thread. He handled it correctly, and he has a son with his ex wife. You have not kids. YOu should run for the hills.

Tseratievig posted 6/24/2019 16:43 PM

Just to highlight some of what you initially said:
-Been married 1.5 years
-No kids
-She's pregnant with OM's child
-Our relationship has been very toxic
-She’s very selfish, inconsiderate, and has poor communication skills
-April 1st, she wanted a divorce
-They had been having unprotected sex this entire time
-She still wanted to end it with him. She never did of course
-Current mindset of STBXW is to be a single mother
-She really needs my name on a birth permit to have this child without a hassle, whatever that means.
-I don’t understand the law here

The "she really needs my name on the birth permit" is a stunner. DO YOU NEED YOUR NAME ON THE BIRTH PERMIT? Is it any benefit to you? Hell no.

I don’t understand the law here

I suggest you get familiarized quickly since she's pregnant and seems to have every intention of having your name on the birth permit.

NorthernMSB posted 6/24/2019 16:47 PM

He is not talking about the birth certificate, he is talking about the birth permit which is entirely different. China used to have a one child rule with stiff penalties if you had more children but now it is two children within the scope of a marriage. You need a permit to have a child which apparently can be obtained after the child is born since the process is more lax now. It is not a birth certificate. I do not know if being on the permit automatically puts you on the birth certificate.I assume his lawyer will advise. The permit is connected to the medical services, allowance & benefits and employment of the mother and household registration of the new born child. So it is something you have to do legally in China.

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 5:13 PM, June 24th (Monday)]

Tseratievig posted 6/24/2019 17:11 PM

In China it is illegal for a single woman to give birth. These mothers have and will continue to face forced abortion.

He needs legal advice ASAP.

faithfulman posted 6/24/2019 19:09 PM

Who cares about the intricacies of Chinese law?

The child is not yours. Do not sign anything that you would sign if the child were yours.

This is her and the other man's business. Leave her, and leave them to it.

TimSC posted 6/24/2019 20:07 PM

Please tell me you are not paying for the apartment they are living in.

Cut your loses. Don't sign anything. Divorce her and get out of China if you can.

LostWillow posted 6/24/2019 20:20 PM

China also has very strict laws agains infidelity.

She will have to give you all the money back that she might have spent having the Affair.
You as the betrayed will have the right to everything.

OM can sign the permit. She is using the permit to have you sign the birth certificate later on.

Divorce as soon as possible.

They also have DNA tests.