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Lostlife90 posted 6/5/2019 15:14 PM

Iím not married, but was engaged to a girl for 4 years and in a relationship for 5. Recently I discovered she was having an emotional affair with a someone who is close to her. She said nothing physical happened and I do believe her about that. We were in a long distance relationship as I was studying abroad but saw her every opportunity I got. Our families are intimately involved, and we were supposed to be married this year. This year she told me that sheís confused, has lost herself in the relationship and needs to find herself again. Thatís something she maintains outside of the emotional affair. However, when I told her that Iíll wait for her to figure herself out, she can do her own thing but Iím uncomfortable with this idea of being emotionally involved with someone else. When she refuse to cut this person out, the engagement was broken between us but culturally itís still present between the families as they just want to give the situation space and time to see what happens before making any rush decisions. Her family and siblings maintain that sheís depressed and lost and sheís starting I.C, just a few days ago she told me that she just wants to feel better and as soon as she can do that, she would come back to me and marry me but then when I ask, if she wants to be with her AP, she says she doesnít know what she wants. Iím just confused and lost on what to do. I donít want to let this go and told her Iím willing to do whatever it takes to make it work but Iím not going to be around while she entertains someone else. Any suggestions on how to deal with a situation like this? What am I missing? Or am I just being toyed with?

Buster123 posted 6/5/2019 15:35 PM

I'm sorry that you're here, dating is like a test and she's already failed miserably by cheating on you, plus why on earth would you believe this is just an EA ? if you read here long enough you will realize that APs have sex when in close proximity, she's already cheating so why not ? let me tell you something, life's too short, you have your whole life ahead of you, you deserve much better than a proven cheater and a liar, I suggest you RUN for the hills while it's not that complicated and don't look back and save yourself from more heartbreak and infidelity a few years from now and a couple of children later, btw get tested for STDs just to be safe, some of them can be transmitted via saliva. Just curious how did you discover the A ?

fooled13years posted 6/5/2019 15:52 PM

Please consider seeing things from her point of view. It is quite possible that she is thinking, I get to see if this new relationship works out but if it doesn't Lostlife90 will be waiting for me to come back. This does not appear to be the most positive way to start out a marriage.

Good luck to you.

Lostlife90 posted 6/5/2019 15:59 PM

Buster - It was through gps phone tracking. She basically lied about where she was at a certain time when she should be somewhere else. I called her out on it and she had no where to run. At that point she basically chose to end the relationship between her and I

Fooled - I told her recently that unless she can cut off the AP and actually wants an legitimate R, Iím not going to be around. Was that not the right decision? She maintains that she doesnít want to be a relationship with anyone, not even the AP.

[This message edited by Lostlife90 at 4:00 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

trustedg posted 6/5/2019 16:05 PM

You did the right thing. Get on with your life, don't look back.

Jduff posted 6/5/2019 16:15 PM


One does not enter into life long, life impacting commitments with any doubts. Tell your parents and her parents that so they understand. Tell the the foundation of the relationship already has cracks with her "emotional affair" and her "confusion and doubt" over the situation. As you said, you will not be hanging around for someone who pines for another. Why would you hang around for someone who is not certain that she loves you and wants to commit to you as well?

As Buster123 said, dating and engagement is a test. She failed in her fidelity during this trial. As she tries to "find herself" then you have the opportunity to find someone else who will be certain to commit to you, and pass the trial of dating and engagement. There are too many women in the world that will do much better than the current cheating fiance you feel obliged to give a second chance.

Rustylife posted 6/5/2019 16:28 PM

She's entitled to feel what she is feeling. Words of a liar and a cheat don't hold much weight in my mind but still, you can't make her see things your way. According to her, she doesn't want a relationship with anyone. So yeah, no need to wait around and put your life on hold. You had a good run with her. Cut your ties before it becomes any more toxic.

I'm sure that whenever you tell her to stop contacting the guy, she starts the whole "don't know what I want" shit. Oldest trick in the book. It's her problem. Let her deal with it. You should move on.

By emotional affair you mean they only talk on the phone. No sexting? Because sexting and sending pics comes under physical cheating. And how long has this been going on? Wtf does lost myself in the relationship mean? You were long distance. Plenty of time to do your own thing. She wants to break up man. Read the signs.

The1stWife posted 6/5/2019 16:33 PM

Iím sorry you are in this position.

To be honest ďI donít knowĒ as an answer to ďwhat do you want?Ē Is a cowardís way of saying ďI donít want to be with youĒ.

Iím sorry to be blunt but itís the truth. She does know. Deep down she knows. She just doesnít have the courage to face it or say it.

During my Hís Affair I still loved him. I did not want a Divorce but he was in the Affair Fog and on the fence. It came down to my sanity and I decided I had to come first.

Maybe you need to consider your feelings first- not your family or her family.

40YOSL posted 6/5/2019 18:01 PM

Why do you believe the relationship wasn't physical?

It was through gps phone tracking. She basically lied about where she was at a certain time when she should be somewhere else. I called her out on it and she had no where to run.

If she has ever met unchaperoned with her AP why would you take her word that the EA hasn't progressed to a PA? You know as a fact that she has no problem lying to you.

At that point she basically chose to end the relationship between her and I

She made a decision and chose AP. Consider yourself lucky that you discovered she was a liar and a cheat prior to marriage. You have just dodged a bullet!! Let AP end up with an unfaithful wife if he turns out to be that stupid. That would be your gain and his loss.

I understand that it's not easy turning off your feelings for her but you need to focus on how she has betrayed you.

Marz posted 6/5/2019 18:13 PM

You are being toyed with.

Look at the facts.

She's engaged to you but has a boyfriend on the side (if they have contact it's a sexual affair) you are in deep denial here.

She wants you to give her time for a longer tryout with her boyfriend

You are engaged. If she had any love for you she wouldn't be looking at another man right now. It should be the honeymoon stage.

Wake up to the facts, dump her and find doneone worthy.

If not there is more pain awaiting you

Robert22205https posted 6/5/2019 18:23 PM

She basically lied about where she was at a certain time when she should be somewhere else. I called her out on it and she had no where to run. At that point she basically chose to end the relationship between her and I

Her strong reaction implies that it's more than an EA. Especially since she refused to go NC. Adults usually have sex.

Her current need to find herself and refusal to go NC sounds like an exit affair. She's stalling for time waiting for the OM to marry her (he may not be interested). Your cancelling the engagement made you the bad guy as long as she can pretend there's no PA.

If there's some sort of family/cultural pressure to marry her (in spite of her 'depression'), perhaps you should hire a PI to get concrete evidence of a PA.

Robert22205https posted 6/5/2019 18:29 PM

Is the OM married or engaged? You should consider exposing his role so his poor character is revealed to his wife or fiancee.

Lostlife90 posted 6/5/2019 18:40 PM

Thank you for all the replies, it helps to broaden the perspective upon hearing from everyone but just a few clarifications I guess:

The OM is single and wants to be with her, sheís the one stalling as she describes her current state to be of Anhedonia.

She also justifies this by saying she had a need for emotional availability and attention which apparently I didnít provide, but this need was never communicated to me, Iím in a really demanding medical profession and thus thought she realized that the hours and work Iím putting in were to build us a brighter future.

Rustylife posted 6/5/2019 18:58 PM

she had a need for emotional availability and attention which apparently I didnít provide, but this need was never communicated to me

Meh. Tells you all you need to know really. Unless she's totally remorseless, there's a part deep in her subconscious that knows that going behind your partner is never justifiable. But we don't want to see ourselves as bad people so she's twisting herself into a pretzel anf trying to make this your issue. You had nothing to do with it. Don't accept her blame. And if they were in proximity, it was possibly physical. Ultimately it doesn't matter and I suggest you don't waste your time with the autopsy. Focus on your career. Break up with her and her family. No big drama. Just go full No Contact. She might keep you around as an emotional tampon because humans are selfish. Just reject any blame and move on. Who knows? Maybe she and her AP are more compatible. Good luck to them.

[This message edited by Rustylife at 6:59 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

fareast posted 6/5/2019 19:04 PM

This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^!

goalong posted 6/5/2019 19:07 PM

apparently you do not mind would be periodic bouts like this in case you married her

AbRamK posted 6/5/2019 21:38 PM

Compared to many of us in this forum you are in a better position as you are not married to her yet. You should focus on what you are expecting from your marriage. I think she has already failed on the general criteria of a safe partner. Dont get into a relationship based on pressure from your family even if itís very difficult to convince your family members. EA/PA, itís cheating and her emotional state of not able to choose you means she doesnít love you like you love her and that by itself is a NO from her side. Actions speaks louder than words. Get out of this relationship if you need a safe, loving and caring partner in your life whom you can trust. In my personal opinion being cheated on means you are not enough for your partner. And as a BS who is in R, it doesnít worth it.

GoldenR posted 6/5/2019 22:05 PM

Anytime they say they need time apart to find themselves, that's actually cheaterspeak for "I want to test drive my boyfriend and be able to fuck him in peace".

anoldlion posted 6/5/2019 22:15 PM

I was once getting on a plane for deployment to a combat zone. I was leaving behind those I loved. As I walked to the plane this older experienced sergeant next to me said, "Put your sunglasses on and don't look back." My advice to you is the same, put your sunglasses on and DON"T LOOK BACK. That medical practice you are working hard on for a better future. Work on it for you and some other woman who will love and support you. When someone shows you their real self, believe them. She has already made her decision and I don't think you are in that decision. I do wish you well.

cocoplus5nuts posted 6/6/2019 07:20 AM

Iím in a really demanding medical profession

If she can't handle this now, what makes you think she'll be able to after you are married and have a few kids? She has shown you how she will handle the way you choose to live your life. Do not accept it. Do not marry her. Let her go.

Also, I agree with others that, if they met in person, it was almost certainly physical.

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