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Anybody else not care. Is this bad?

Kudulies posted 6/5/2019 12:49 PM

DD1 August 2018. I was Absolutely shattered. Tears. All the usual 1st reaction stuff. Trickle truth. Lies. 9 months waisted counseling. DD2. March 2019. Less tears. Less of an extreme reaction.
Now I feel cold almost disconnected. Is this bad? Like I donít really care what happens. Just going Day to day. Focusing on my kids. He lives around me. He going to IC. When he brings it up and wants to talk about it Iím almost bored of it.

He doing work on himself. I feel nothing really.
Itís weird. Wondering if this is the result of the 180.
Is this cause Iíve built a wall so as to not be hurt again? Is that what happened after DD1 and why DD2 wasnít as devastating (although DD1 was EA and sexting and DD2 PA)

Is cold and disinterested somehow worse than broken and angry and feeling something at least or is this one of the phases and part of self preservation?

[This message edited by Kudulies at 1:10 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

beenthereinco posted 6/5/2019 12:54 PM

I've seen it said on here and in other places that the opposite of love is not hate it is indifference. If you are at that spot perhaps you need to think about whether you really should stay in this marriage.

rugswept posted 6/5/2019 13:15 PM

he's left you emotionally exhausted. you're cried out. you're griefed out. you're numbed out. in fact, you're almost out, period.

now you don't care what he does and what he doesn't do for all that matter. when all those intense feelings are gone, so will your love for him be gone.

you're making great sacrifices for your children. continue to focus on them. unlike him, your children aren't going to stab you in the back and continue to lie and to be unfaithful.

just keep an eye on him and when you see him do this again, just tell him: i know, and i don't ffffing care anymore. you are nothing to me.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 6/5/2019 13:23 PM

Welcome to the damage that False R really does. At least in my experience it's far worse than d-day 1 as it comes with the same shit-show that d-day 1 does PLUS a whole host of other emotions.

Yes, you are not alone. I have experienced the same thing.

D-day2 was 1 year after D-day1. The A stopped for about a month after d-day1 and then started back up. I care so little I haven't even asked for any real details about what happened. It's been almost 8 months since d-day2 and honestly, my feelings haven't come back either. He is in IC, really does try to deal with his issues regarding defensiveness when it does come up, but now for all I know it's just a farce. I don't trust much of anything that comes out of his mouth that I can't verify with my own eyes and I simply don't care to dig around to see if he is telling me the truth about things. He frequently acts more like what people on here say a WS working towards R should be, yet I'm so skeptical that I simply can't get beyond that. I find myself muttering to myself "Yeah, right. Sure." when he says certain things that are totally un-A related as I simply don't believe him anymore.

After d-day1 we had a chance. After d-day 2...his ability to purposely lie and trick and deceive me full well knowing how it made me feel makes me look at him as if he's a broken disaster of a person. So IDK if there are still feelings down there somewhere on my end and they are just so overridden by all this disgust that I can't find them or if they are gone for good.

Either way I am making my own future plans that don't include him and that's how it has to be for me.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 1:24 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

Camalus posted 6/5/2019 14:46 PM

You may be experiencing something many people encounter approximately a year after DDay.

Sometimes called the Plain of Lethal Flatness. For me, is was an ĎI donít give a crapí attitudeÖI simply didnít care what the outcome would be any longer. I was tired of the drama, counselling, and unending observation and analysis of WWís actions.

The Plain of Lethal Flatness is something yaí just got to slog through. It will pass if you give it some time.

Aplomado posted 6/5/2019 15:41 PM

I was going to say the same thing as Camalus above. Sounds like the Plain of Lethal Flatness to me. Been there...and just pushing through it is pretty much the only way. Its a very strange place to be.


The1stWife posted 6/5/2019 16:36 PM

You may have reached a point where you are done and no longer have any interest in the marriage or him.

DDay2 can do that to you. Especially seeing the pain and they do it again (I was in that boat - same circumstances).

At DDay 2 I had no feelings toward him.

Kudulies posted 6/6/2019 01:47 AM

Oh my hat. Ok. Plain of Lethal Flatness. Iíll go read up.

Yup. Iím pretty numb. But that seemed almost worse.

Thank you.

Iíll bring it up in IC too

pureheartkit posted 6/6/2019 07:32 AM

I was in or approaching th flatness. What I did was get really interested in a project. So interested that I am almost completely consumed by it. Strange thing is happening that WS seems fascinated by me. Maybe the 180 at work on both of us, I don't know. Anyway, I feel much better. I don't worry about my emotions for him. It's me time.

[This message edited by pureheartkit at 7:33 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]

DarkHoleHeart posted 6/6/2019 08:00 AM

Most likely you aren't in POLF, at least not yet. I guess it is just the numbness. As I understand it, POLF is when you feel indifferent only towards your WS, but everything else is "normal".

I cried a lot after DDay1. DDay2 hit and I haven't shed a tear for her since.
Oh, I cried. I cried when I imagined the look on my daughters' faces when they realize that family is breaking up (we didn't. so far). I cried when my daughter's hamster died and I saw tears in her eyes. But I feel no love nor hate towards my WW. I don't know how it will end.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 6/6/2019 08:21 AM

I don't think it's POLF - but I'm no expert. I really do think that D-day2 really changes things and how you perceive your partner. D-day1 seems like "okay, this happened, and it's horrible, but it was a 1 time thing" and you can somehow justify it in your head - not as a mistake - but as very bad judgment etc.

To me d-day1 versus dday-2 is like manslaughter versus murder. With D-day 2 there is simply no way you can disregard the INTENT of your spouse to trick and betray you. There is no "I didn't mean for this to happen" excuse available. It's purposeful. For many people, me included, that intentional and willful behavior changes your perception of your spouse permanently. For others it's temporary. Still for others it doesn't happen at all.

I don't know but it seems to me based on the timing alone that this isn't the POLF - this is a change in perception about your WS which may or may not be permanent.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 8:23 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]

Tigersrule77 posted 6/6/2019 09:12 AM

You sound as though you have checked out of the marriage, but haven't divorced for your children.

You say that they are your focus. Focusing on them helps you avoid focusing on yourself and experiencing any stress/pain regarding the A and issues within the M. Sounds as though you are keeping your WH at arms length and not engaging. It is probably also contributing to this.

It sounds to me like you need to make a decision, one way or another.

The1stWife posted 6/6/2019 19:16 PM

I think DDay2 is worse because the CS sees your pain as a BS, they see the effort you are putting forth to save the M and reconcile but they turn around and do to he go cheat.

That seems more deliberate to me.

LongSigh posted 6/7/2019 04:21 AM

I went emotionally numb for a little while. After 6 years of gaslighting and 10 months of trickle truth he finally gave me an honest answer about something hugely important heíd been lying about. I spent close to 2 months absolutely numb. Like, no emotions at all. I felt no happiness, sorrow, anger, pleasure, nothing. It was like I lived in a hollow cardboard world.

Emotional numbing happens when you psychologically canít take anymore. Itís a protective function of the brain. Itís stark though. Thereís a huge difference between the apathy of being fed up and disconnected and the absolute emptiness of numbing. Apathy means youíre likely losing the connection you felt held you together. Numbing means your brain has decided you canít take anymore without serious repercussions.

1Faith posted 6/8/2019 15:40 PM

Perhaps you are just DONE?

My therapist once told me the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

You have been continually hurt by your WH and have zero reasons to believe him or believe IN him.

Allow yourself to process your indifference.

Good luck.

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