My wife and I have been together for over 8 years now (married almost 5 years). Last week I discovered she had at least 1 affair (possibly more) over the course of the last 2 years. I learned this by checking the phone numbers of the people she was texting/calling. When I looked at her phone, the texts from these numbers had all been erased.
When I confronted her about it, she immediately did not admit it, but the look on her face told me all I need to know. Now my wife and I have an agreement dating back to when we were dating that we were not to communicate with members of the opposite sex. A commitment I have honored to this day (unless work related), though I have never cheated on her. My wife is a very jealous person (me not so much) and I agreed to do this to honor her. It is very possible that many of these texts were deleted to hide her friendship(s) with men from me. However, there are legitimate texts from other men (all work related) which were still on her phone. In other words, some she was hiding, others she was not. In all cases, these texts are from people I do not know. My conclusion, she is hiding these texts for a reason.
Some months as many as 600 text messages would be sent or received (and deleted) from strange phone numbers! Many happened when I was in the room but completely oblivious too (I know some dates and times).
After a while I was slowly able to coax information out of her. Yes, she was communicating with some men as an outlet to talk about me. Looking for some advice about how to deal with me. In my wife’s defense she is Vietnamese and I American. We have had communication issues, given the differences in culture and its very reasonable that she needed help in figuring out how to deal with me.
In all honesty, I am a piece of garbage as a husband. I have almost completely neglected her emotionally. She would often want to talk on the phone, and I would not. At home, I was not much better. I’m very distant in all my relationships and friendships over the years. To this day, I have very few friends—even male, which is the way I prefer it. The bottom line is I would not want either of my daughters (by different marriage) marrying a guy like me.
Looking back, she was screaming at me to give her attention. Little comments here and there all resonate with me now. One comment hit me hardest. After a little fight (we fight almost daily, mostly because I was not giving her the attention she craved) a few months ago she stated to me ‘…that’s why all your wives cheat on you.’ Now I have been married 3 times (current wife is the 3rd). Looking back, she was admitting her infidelity with that one little comment. At the time I thought she was referencing the first two wives and did not include herself. I now know I was wrong, as it would be consistent with her culture.
Personally, I do not blame her at all for reaching out to other men, to save our marriage. However, given the amount of texts exchanged, there can be no doubt that at the very least, an emotional relationship developed. How could it not? Regardless, she does admit now to confiding in these guys, however, insists nothing ever happened between them. In fact, she states she has never seen any of them outside of work.
She’s lying.
Again, in my wife’s defense, over the course of the last 2 years (when the texts began), I have known, with 100% accuracy, where my wife was all but a couple of times. The last such occasion happened 2 weeks ago. So, if anything physical happened between her and these men, it was only a few times.
How do I know she’s lying?
10 days ago, we got into a big fight, and she ran off to gamble at a casino (my wife has a gambling problem which is the basis of many of our fights) and didn’t come home. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but looking at her GPS record of her car, she did go to a strange address for a period, before returning to the casino 15 miles away. I noted the address and cross-referenced the address with the phone numbers from the person she text most. It was a 100% match!
When I asked her again if she had ever been to this person’s house, she became angry and said no. I have proof she had, and she continues to deny it.
Up until 2 weeks ago, if someone had said your wife was cheating on you, I would have called them a liar. She is not the type. Although, we fight, she loves me, I would have thought—not no more. In fact, my wife is not the woman I thought she was, and this is upsetting.
With all that said, I am sincerely in love with her. I still love her beyond belief.
In my previous marriages, the sense of relief I felt when I found out my wives (past girlfriends as well) were cheating on me was almost euphoric! A winning lottery ticket out of my marriage (told you I am a piece of garbage) so to speak. To further buttress, how much of an asshole I am, I once asked a college friend of mine to sleep with my girlfriend at the time, so I could break up with her. Poor girl was so drunk at the time, she thought she was screwing me, until I walked into the room. My rationale for telling this story is to give you, the reader, a sense of the piece of shit my wife is married to. She deserves sympathy, not me.
With my current wife, the realization that she was cheating on me has hit me hard. I have spent many nights crying; I have literally slept only a few hours and have lost 5 pounds from not eating. In all honesty, I did not even realize myself, how much I love her until now. It has now become apparent that she is the only person I have truly ever loved. A sad reality, for a man such as myself.
I have come to the realization that given the totality of the situation; a divorce is not an option for me. No winning lottery ticket this time. The feelings I have for my wife are too deep to not fight for her love again. After all, I myself have accepted culpability to my wife straying on me. It’s my fault, not hers.
We have talked (we now talk everyday) and I am simply a wreak. She continues to deny any type of physical relationship with any man. When I ask her what she wants to do regarding our marriage, she is insistent that we stay married as she tells me she still loves me very much. While I do believe she has feelings for me (we make love everyday now), I no longer see the passion she once had for me. I suppose getting treated horribly by me, has jaded her a bit over the years. I also believe the emotional attachment she developed for another man has also complicated her feelings for me as well.
Regardless, as I type this, I have turned over a new leaf. We have developed a strategy to mitigate her gambling habit, which often lead to many of our arguments, which is equitable to both of us. For the past week, I have dedicated myself into becoming a new man, a better man. I told her, that I was going to dedicate my life to her in a way she never felt possible with me. This makes her happy, but I think she is skeptical of my long-term commitment to her.
I myself know, I will never leave her and will honor my wedding vows to her regardless of what she has done. She is that important to me and me important to her.
With all of that said, I am sincerely struggling to get over the fact, that she continues not to be 100% truthful with me. While I am indeed 100% committed to her (regardless of what she tells me), I don’t see how I can trust her going forward. Her failure to acknowledge that she met a least one man, at his home, hurts me much more than a sexual act. When I press her on the topic, she immediately becomes defensive and says I need to get over it, like she did. She has accused me of cheating on her multiple times. In her mind I think she thinks I had. On one occasion, she approached me for a love making session (this happened right before the text messages began), the problem being I had just finished masturbating a few hours before. During the cleanup process, I failed to notice that some of the tissue I cleaned myself with, attached itself to my penis. She noticed this and immediately accused me of cheating, mistaking the white tissue for another women’s dried juices.
If only she would tell me the truth, then we can tackle our next challenge together whatever it may be. Until she does, I suppose I will have to continue to win her heart. I lost it and never want to lose it again.
For those of you who have read this much, I would ask your advice on what I should do? Leaving her is not an option for me. Do you believe that my wife’s failure to tell me the truth, will hinder our ability to move forward? Should it I require the truth from her for our relationship to survive? Any thoughts? Please help, thanks for reading my story
