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Please help

nevergolfpar posted 5/30/2019 15:56 PM

My wife and I have been together for over 8 years now (married almost 5 years). Last week I discovered she had at least 1 affair (possibly more) over the course of the last 2 years. I learned this by checking the phone numbers of the people she was texting/calling. When I looked at her phone, the texts from these numbers had all been erased.
When I confronted her about it, she immediately did not admit it, but the look on her face told me all I need to know. Now my wife and I have an agreement dating back to when we were dating that we were not to communicate with members of the opposite sex. A commitment I have honored to this day (unless work related), though I have never cheated on her. My wife is a very jealous person (me not so much) and I agreed to do this to honor her. It is very possible that many of these texts were deleted to hide her friendship(s) with men from me. However, there are legitimate texts from other men (all work related) which were still on her phone. In other words, some she was hiding, others she was not. In all cases, these texts are from people I do not know. My conclusion, she is hiding these texts for a reason.
Some months as many as 600 text messages would be sent or received (and deleted) from strange phone numbers! Many happened when I was in the room but completely oblivious too (I know some dates and times).
After a while I was slowly able to coax information out of her. Yes, she was communicating with some men as an outlet to talk about me. Looking for some advice about how to deal with me. In my wifeís defense she is Vietnamese and I American. We have had communication issues, given the differences in culture and its very reasonable that she needed help in figuring out how to deal with me.
In all honesty, I am a piece of garbage as a husband. I have almost completely neglected her emotionally. She would often want to talk on the phone, and I would not. At home, I was not much better. Iím very distant in all my relationships and friendships over the years. To this day, I have very few friendsóeven male, which is the way I prefer it. The bottom line is I would not want either of my daughters (by different marriage) marrying a guy like me.
Looking back, she was screaming at me to give her attention. Little comments here and there all resonate with me now. One comment hit me hardest. After a little fight (we fight almost daily, mostly because I was not giving her the attention she craved) a few months ago she stated to me ĎÖthatís why all your wives cheat on you.í Now I have been married 3 times (current wife is the 3rd). Looking back, she was admitting her infidelity with that one little comment. At the time I thought she was referencing the first two wives and did not include herself. I now know I was wrong, as it would be consistent with her culture.
Personally, I do not blame her at all for reaching out to other men, to save our marriage. However, given the amount of texts exchanged, there can be no doubt that at the very least, an emotional relationship developed. How could it not? Regardless, she does admit now to confiding in these guys, however, insists nothing ever happened between them. In fact, she states she has never seen any of them outside of work.
Sheís lying.
Again, in my wifeís defense, over the course of the last 2 years (when the texts began), I have known, with 100% accuracy, where my wife was all but a couple of times. The last such occasion happened 2 weeks ago. So, if anything physical happened between her and these men, it was only a few times.
How do I know sheís lying?
10 days ago, we got into a big fight, and she ran off to gamble at a casino (my wife has a gambling problem which is the basis of many of our fights) and didnít come home. I didnít think anything of it at the time, but looking at her GPS record of her car, she did go to a strange address for a period, before returning to the casino 15 miles away. I noted the address and cross-referenced the address with the phone numbers from the person she text most. It was a 100% match!
When I asked her again if she had ever been to this personís house, she became angry and said no. I have proof she had, and she continues to deny it.
Up until 2 weeks ago, if someone had said your wife was cheating on you, I would have called them a liar. She is not the type. Although, we fight, she loves me, I would have thoughtónot no more. In fact, my wife is not the woman I thought she was, and this is upsetting.
With all that said, I am sincerely in love with her. I still love her beyond belief.
In my previous marriages, the sense of relief I felt when I found out my wives (past girlfriends as well) were cheating on me was almost euphoric! A winning lottery ticket out of my marriage (told you I am a piece of garbage) so to speak. To further buttress, how much of an asshole I am, I once asked a college friend of mine to sleep with my girlfriend at the time, so I could break up with her. Poor girl was so drunk at the time, she thought she was screwing me, until I walked into the room. My rationale for telling this story is to give you, the reader, a sense of the piece of shit my wife is married to. She deserves sympathy, not me.
With my current wife, the realization that she was cheating on me has hit me hard. I have spent many nights crying; I have literally slept only a few hours and have lost 5 pounds from not eating. In all honesty, I did not even realize myself, how much I love her until now. It has now become apparent that she is the only person I have truly ever loved. A sad reality, for a man such as myself.
I have come to the realization that given the totality of the situation; a divorce is not an option for me. No winning lottery ticket this time. The feelings I have for my wife are too deep to not fight for her love again. After all, I myself have accepted culpability to my wife straying on me. Itís my fault, not hers.
We have talked (we now talk everyday) and I am simply a wreak. She continues to deny any type of physical relationship with any man. When I ask her what she wants to do regarding our marriage, she is insistent that we stay married as she tells me she still loves me very much. While I do believe she has feelings for me (we make love everyday now), I no longer see the passion she once had for me. I suppose getting treated horribly by me, has jaded her a bit over the years. I also believe the emotional attachment she developed for another man has also complicated her feelings for me as well.
Regardless, as I type this, I have turned over a new leaf. We have developed a strategy to mitigate her gambling habit, which often lead to many of our arguments, which is equitable to both of us. For the past week, I have dedicated myself into becoming a new man, a better man. I told her, that I was going to dedicate my life to her in a way she never felt possible with me. This makes her happy, but I think she is skeptical of my long-term commitment to her.
I myself know, I will never leave her and will honor my wedding vows to her regardless of what she has done. She is that important to me and me important to her.
With all of that said, I am sincerely struggling to get over the fact, that she continues not to be 100% truthful with me. While I am indeed 100% committed to her (regardless of what she tells me), I donít see how I can trust her going forward. Her failure to acknowledge that she met a least one man, at his home, hurts me much more than a sexual act. When I press her on the topic, she immediately becomes defensive and says I need to get over it, like she did. She has accused me of cheating on her multiple times. In her mind I think she thinks I had. On one occasion, she approached me for a love making session (this happened right before the text messages began), the problem being I had just finished masturbating a few hours before. During the cleanup process, I failed to notice that some of the tissue I cleaned myself with, attached itself to my penis. She noticed this and immediately accused me of cheating, mistaking the white tissue for another womenís dried juices.
If only she would tell me the truth, then we can tackle our next challenge together whatever it may be. Until she does, I suppose I will have to continue to win her heart. I lost it and never want to lose it again.
For those of you who have read this much, I would ask your advice on what I should do? Leaving her is not an option for me. Do you believe that my wifeís failure to tell me the truth, will hinder our ability to move forward? Should it I require the truth from her for our relationship to survive? Any thoughts? Please help, thanks for reading my story

Fbtjax posted 5/30/2019 16:22 PM

You need to get into counselling, not marriage counselling, but individual counselling. You've got issues. I'm not even sure why, after 2 marriages, you wanted to do it again? If you have a long history of looking for ways to sabotage relationships, or celebrating their end, you really need to explore that to figure out what's causing that.

Your WW has had at least an EA. My guess is that she's probably done more than that based on your GPS information. I'd normally say you shouldn't really take the blame, but I think in this instance, there's plenty to go around. All you can do is work on yourself to figure out why you go low energy in your relationships, and pretty much check out. Your WW should also get into IC to deal with her issues. Jealousy is never healthy for a marriage, and it sounds like she's a little on the green side in that regard, requiring you to refrain from talking to anyone whose chromosomal makeup isn't consistent wit yours. Adults can have friends of the opposite sex without wanting to bed them down or develop an emotional relationship beyond the appropriate.

Your wife is going to continue to lie. It's just what cheaters do. If you want to get at the truth, tell her to take a polygraph. More than likely it won't necessarily get that far because the parking lot confession will no doubt come.

There's no reconcilliation without two of you working together to figure out how you got here, and she has to put in a ton of work to overcome the lack of trust that's there because of her behavior. But, you've got a ton of work to do as well.

beenthereinco posted 5/30/2019 16:36 PM

There is a lot in here to unpack. I personally don't feel like anyone on here is qualified to help you in this kind of forum. You really need to see someone to talk about your self-esteem issues and tendency to self-sabotage.

One thing that really stood out to me was this:

Personally, I do not blame her at all for reaching out to other men, to save our marriage.

I don't see how you can say this and how you can really think that your WW having an Affair is meant to save your marriage. She did not do what she did for that purpose and the fact that you think that would be something to take up in therapy.

Cooley2here posted 5/30/2019 17:15 PM

This is all about power. You had it in every relationship because you needed it. I donít know your family history but you must have some issues from childhood that only intense therapy will help. You sabotage every relationship rather than take the chance that your girlfriend/wife will have more power/leave you etc. This is not sustainable unless you get IC immediately. MC canít help until you get yourself under control. Your wife needs Gamblers Anonymous immediately. Both of you brought some chaos into the marriage and you need help getting it under control.

Robert22205https posted 5/30/2019 17:40 PM

You both need to fix yourselves and that requires honesty. Your wife wants to rug sweep her affair(s) which weakens your trust in her.

I agree with the other posters. Inform her that you're scheduling a polygraph test next week. That you need to know who, when and where.

nekonamida posted 5/31/2019 06:05 AM

Poor girl was so drunk at the time, she thought she was screwing me, until I walked into the room.

JFC, nevergolfpar. This is atrocious. Rape by deception is a law in some places.

I second Fbtjax. You need help before you can make any decisions about your marriage.

DIFM posted 5/31/2019 08:46 AM

She is that important to me...

One of these things is not like the other.

In your own words you are an asshole and you are garbage as a husband. You need individual counseling. Of course, so does your wife, but even given what she has done, I think you need it more.

There is no excuse for cheating. But, in the real world of emotions and relationships, when even you know you are shit as a husband, nothing good can come from that.

Get help for yourself to figure out how you are able to rationalize that you both love your wife while also being a shit as a husband to her. You have to get that fixed, no matter what happens to your M.

nutmegkitty posted 5/31/2019 11:48 AM

I think you both need individual counseling, immediately.

Coreofsteel posted 6/4/2019 01:38 AM

I'm just here to say that my daughter was raped in much the same way that you got your friend to do to your girlfriend. Wow. It's hard to believe that you set her up to be raped while unable to consent. I think that's probably the worst thing I've read here on SI.

My advice would be for you to get some help.

LongSigh posted 6/5/2019 00:17 AM

ummmm... You orchestrated a physical rape and then manipulated the violation to gain superiority and power over the girl. I seriously hope that at some point in the time since you have contacted that victim and at the very least apologized. She's highly likely to have had to deal with deep trauma from such an experience. That kind of trauma doesn't just go away because you broke up.

Frankly, your wife and marital issues should be much less a concern that the trauma you forced on that ex-girlfriend.

[This message edited by LongSigh at 12:20 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

Dispirited posted 6/7/2019 00:41 AM

Joint counseling? I think not. Both of their issues demand individual sessions and honestly - considering the facts, I have a hard time wondering why either would want to "try". There is no "trying"- either you commit to a reasonable attempt at salvaging the relationship, OR accept the unhealthy situation of which both of you have engaged in.

NO ONE should apologize for "I should have done this or that". Unless an extreme change, is not enough for you to not only take stock in your own goodness, but to adopt a "I should have done this or that" thinking assumes that you were not good enough. In her eyes, she had a reign...and then you were afraid if she left. Not uncommon, but un-becoming - a good bet in her eyes. Ignore...the best medicine when you feel that void from whatever.

Nonetheless.I have been single for years...Inasmuch as I (and many others) yearn for a simple night out with possible touching- and that's it.My favorite ever sex was merely touching for hours and nothing else. Intimacy at its finest.

You however can't seem to figure out whether each of you wants whatever. My suggestion is an attempt at discussion and if not? Sorry to those who for whatever re ason rests or whatever. Very proud after this email. Take care

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