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Donít know what to do.

justcheatedon posted 5/28/2019 08:32 AM

I just found out my husband cheated on me about a month ago with a person a strongly dislike, his ex wife. I am currently 8 months pregnant with our second child. His daughter just left for the Navy and apparently she asked him to go check on her because her mom is not all right in the head so he went up there and they got high and they got drunk and they slept together. I found out by going through his phone and reading a text message from her saying she had pictures of him while I was gone visiting my sister. I donít know what to do, I always told him that if he ever cheated on me I would leave him but I never thought heíd actually put me in this kind of situation. The crazy thing is is that he is a good person a good dad a good husband which makes this all more confusing. Part of me wants to just forget this ever happened and move on but another part of me canít see myself trusting him again. Iím just so confused and hurt and feel like Iím going crazy. Thereís really no when I can talk to about this.

Odonna posted 5/28/2019 08:43 AM

Spouses should never be alone with an ex-spouse, as the habit of intimacy never really goes away. And he got high with her, which suggests he wanted this to happen.

I am assuming you have not confronted him yet? I would, because his response will tell you what you need to know about a future together. Be very calm, tell him you know, but not how you know, and see if he comes clean. For your sake I hope he breaks down and says the guilt was killing him and he cannot believe that he did that to you, etc. but it could go very differently and he could deny or blame you, etc. So observe closely.

Also, download the free pdf book ďHow to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.Ē It is a short read but provides a clear roadmap of what a remorseful Spouse needs to do to re-build a marriage. You read it also so you know what to look for, and to insist on.

I am so sorry you are going through this, especially while pregnant.

Cooley2here posted 5/28/2019 08:46 AM

Why donít you like his wife? Were they divorced when you met? If they were it is one story, if they were not it is another.

You have given very little information about when you met him, how you met him, and what his relationship was with her when you met. You are young enough to have children. It sounds like heís older because he has a grown child. Were you part of the marriage break up or did you meet him afterwards? If he told you his wife was crazy it might have something to do with the divorce. Grief makes people crazy. I am not excusing his behavior but I am wondering is if he is a cheater. If he cheated on her and that caused the divorce then that shows what he is. If the divorce was for another reason then what in the world was he thinking? There are lots of things you did not put in for us to help you with.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 8:50 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

justcheatedon posted 5/28/2019 08:53 AM

@odanna
Thank you for your reply. I did in fact confront him already. He has been very apologetic and remorseful about what happened. I caught him in a few lies before he actually fessed up though. I feel like if I never would have saw that message he would have never told me about it. I just feel so betrayed. And I agree, if I would have known about his plan to go up to see her I would have never agreed with it because they should have never been alone together.

justcheatedon posted 5/28/2019 09:00 AM

@Cooley2here
My husband and I got together well after they were divorced when his daughter was nine they divorced because they had issues and she cheated on him. I was not a part of their crumbling marriage I came way after that. I dislike her because she has made our lives a living hell while we were together and trying to coparent their child.

allusions posted 5/28/2019 10:14 AM

Part of me wants to just forget this ever happened and move on but another part of me canít see myself trusting him again.
Do not just forget about it. That's known as rug sweeping. It doesn't help the situation because it leaves so many unresolved issues. He needs to get into individual counseling and dig deep to find out why he thought it was ok to sleep with someone else. If he doesn't figure it out it's very likely he'll do it again down the road.

Make sure you find out the real story and the bigger picture. Cheaters lie and downplay everything and are notorious for only admitting to the barest minimum like it was only one time when it was actually 20.

Stevesn posted 5/28/2019 10:23 AM

JustCheated

Iím also sorry you are here.

The truth is that your M has now changed. That doesnít mean you canít have a good one, but it will be forever different. It will take a while to understand and accept this, both for you and him, if you are Going to stay together.

Rebuilding your relationship will take a lot of hard work over the next several months and few years. But there are several steps you can begin now.

First ask him if he is Interested in even saving your marriage. If heís not, your next step is to cut contact with him about everything except the kids and finances. Then immediately contact a lawyer.

Also find an Individual Counselor for you to work with and support you thru this difficult time.

If he does want to work on rebuilding what he has now destroyed let him know that there are deal breakers for you that if he doesnít do, then you are no longer Interested in being his spouse.

First one is NO CONTACT with his ex, who is also now the AP (his Affair Partner). That means he blocks her in his phone, blocks her one all social media. Etc. basically if his kids with her are grown he should never talk to her again. His daughter can communicate separately with each of them from now on. And he will never ever be alone with the ex again.

2- transparency of all his devices. He leaves them on the counter with no password or with you having the password or fingerprint access to it any time you want. No messaging apps either. No WeChat or WhatsApp or messenger.

3 - you both start IC separately. No marriage counseling for now. Itís useless unless he figures out why he was able to make this awful choice. And you for working thru the pain of his actions. MC can come down the road.

4- remorse. Heís willing to talk about it any time you ask and not make you feel bad about it. He answers all questions honestly.

5- he gives you a written timeline of what happened and when. And admits to all other times he was unfaithful with her or anyone else.

Thatís just a start. If he can start doing these things then let him know you will then try to rebuild a relationship with him. But it starts from the bottom up all over again.

Some have even gone as far as to divorce and then start the relationship from scratch again. You have lots of options. The key here is to get YOU OUT OF HIS INFIDELITY either with him or without him.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:24 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

FEEL posted 5/28/2019 10:54 AM


The crazy thing is is that he is a good person a good dad a good husband which makes this all more confusing.

This comment is a sign of exactly how confused you are. Good husband (or good spouses) do not cheat. Aside from a death of a loved one, dealing with betrayal is one of the most painful experiences one can have to go through. Some books/articles I have read say it is more painful than a death of a loved one.

It is quite common to feel confused and hurt when one finds out. You need as much time as you need to process what's happened. Reading the part of your post where you just want to forget it happened is VERY DANGEROUS. Things just don't go away. You need to deal with this when you are ready after you have collected your thoughts. If YOU DON'T deal with this it will always be a part of your marriage. Just read the posts where people have rug swept and found themselves here months, years later dealing with 2nd, 3rd etc Ddays.

The1stWife posted 5/28/2019 11:26 AM

So heís a Betrayed spouse from his first marriage and now is the Cheating Spouse in his second marriage (with you).

Well at least he should have some understanding of what it feels like to be a Betrayed spouse.

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