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False R/Broken NC - Success stories?

Perseverantia posted 5/25/2019 12:06 PM

Anyone else have false reconciliation or broken NC, and WS eventually got it, ended the A and been successfully reconciling?

[This message edited by Perseverantia at 12:23 PM, May 25th (Saturday)]

sisoon posted 5/25/2019 12:12 PM

It's not unusual for it to take a while for the truth to come out.

I believe the key is the WS's commitment to honesty an changing from betrayer to good partner. Without that, R is a lost cause. That commitment is a big deal. It can take time for the WS to decide to make it.

You have to make your own choice as to how long you'll wait. If you decide the TT is a deal breaker, so be it. If you decide to wait longer, so be it. My reco is: do what you think is best for you and your kids.

ibonnie posted 5/25/2019 12:37 PM

Me/us, maybe?

But... my timeline would basically be
June 2017 WH starts A with COW.
End of September/beginning of October I suspect A, and keep questioning but he lies/denies/gaslights me.
Thanksgiving WH admits to PA.
Day after Thanksgiving, I start packing his suitcase, he cries and says he'll end it, is grumpy and mopey.
Get the phone bill for December, find out they're still calling and texting constantly throughout the day, which he thought was okay because... they stopped having sex?
I told him he had to be out 1/1.
He begs for more time, makes promises, I say nope, gtfo.
I expose to everyone (previously had just told his parents and godmother).
180 hard, go no contact with him (we only communicate via email when it comes to the kids or lawyer stuff, and make arrangements for someone else to be with kids for pickup/dropoff).
Go through mediation to legally separate.

The day after our second-to-last mediation session, I finally speak to him. Tell him I still love him, but he fired me as his wife and I will not share him with another woman. Period. And then I go dark again.

We had an appointment for 1.5 weeks later to sign off on our separation agreement.

In that time, he ended things with OW, moved out of her house (she assaulted him), begged his family to let him stay on one of their couches, and used his mom to get in touch with me because I was ignoring all his emails since they didn't have to do with kids/finances/lawyer stuff. That was April 2018.

The difference when we started having contact again was noticeable. He went out of his way to be transparent, make me feel as comfortable as he could, stop going out, stop drinking to excess, make it clear to OW he wanted to be left alone, told his bosses so he could be transferred farther away from her and to a more public position, cries about how badly he's hurt me, is reading self-help books, practicing mindfulness and meditating, has panic attacks sometimes if I don't answer him fast enough, because he he's worried I'm going to leave him again...

What made the difference was telling him in no uncertain terms that I wasn't putting up with an A, I was fine without him, and letting him see what his life would be like without me in it, at all.

HoneyMe2 posted 5/25/2019 12:50 PM

Wwhen I fisrt discovered my xwh slept with and old gf, I thought it was a ons. I found there e-mails for a week of her reaching out to him and that she was going to be in town for a few days. It was obvious they had not been in touch prior. Her husband had died shortly before. She fished hard and he took the bait, easily.

I thought we dealt with that. Found out 2 1/2 months later she was comming to town almost every week and renting a hotel room. After that, I packed his clothes, all of them, and left them in garbage bags ourt front and called a lawyer.

Shit got real. I did the 180 hard. That is what woke him up. He came and confessed to LTAs that I never whould have known about. We separated for several months until I could tell he was serious and remorseful.

I think it was like an addiction and it can't always be ended cold turkey. I had no idea at the time what I was dealing with. Looking back now, I was a naive trusting wife.

We have successfully recovered, but it took years of hard work on his part.

sassylee posted 5/25/2019 13:54 PM

Yes...I had my first dday and then my second a month later when I learned that NC never took place and the EA was much more involved then hed admitted. The details are in my profile story. Im now 7 years in a successful and fulfilling reconciliation. The difference between how I handled dday 1 and dday 2 made all the difference.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:54 PM, May 25th (Saturday)]

Perseverantia posted 5/25/2019 14:10 PM

Well... Looks like R is on hold again. I just asked him to leave because he broke a term on R. It wasnt related to infidelity but still an important term for the health of our family. I asked him to pack and leave. He left without incident. The boundary I set was very clear and says that he must move out and go NC with me aside from texting only related to kids and bills. It was surprisingly easy for me to do. He has been making an effort and I have been starting to see changes but I know that sticking to my terms hard is the only way that he will have a hope for long term change. He has to realize that this life with me and his family is a gift and must be taken care of.

The1stWife posted 5/25/2019 15:18 PM

Maybe now he will get it.

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