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The programming of DD2

OuttaCoffee posted 5/24/2019 08:25 AM

I came back from a great trip to Montana and surrounding states. Unplugging from this mess was a beautiful thing. But Iím met with my youngest and her motherís attitude. For whatever reason, the youngest has clearly been influenced by the ex in her demeanor, mannerisms, and arguments. I knew some of this would occur, but I was taken aback by how far it would go. The same was attempted with the oldest, but she recognized what was happening and tossed it into irrelevancy immediately.
I canít place a word to define it, but I know whatís happening over there. It starts subtly, then becomes more prominent the longer sheís over there. I abhor seeing my daughter being used as a parrot while the ex rewrites history to her. The entire situation is appalling. Itís beyond frustrating.
I donít know whether to correct the historical account or just simply keep my mouth shut to her on the matter. Her mother is skilled at manipulation. Plus, thereís the trio over there working to circumvent any truth. Of course the ex denies anything of the sort, but sheís no doubt only too happy to receive confirmation that her tactics are working with my cease and desist order. She openly makes light of the word programming to DD2 while she does it.
Iím providing the best home and environment that I can. I really donít know what or what else to do here.

EvenKeel posted 5/24/2019 09:38 AM

How old is your DD2?

Anytime my DS would visit his father, he would come back full of attitude and exhibiting all of my ex's mannerisms. It took days for him to get back to normal.

My ex also did all sorts of games as well. I too was concerned. But the counselor told me that DS knows exactly what his father is but it IS his father. There are other things that I don't think my DS realized until his was older...but that day does come.

In the meantime, you hold up the integrity at your place. I am surprised I didn't bite my tongue in half over the years trying NOT to say something was BS! To me, that was much better than making my DS feel like he was in the middle of the he say/she said of parents.

It all sucks - I am sorry.

AlphaSilvr posted 5/24/2019 10:30 AM

Sorry, Coffee.

I get how it is. My oldest DS is a carbon copy of my Ex and its aggravating, especially to hold back saying, "You're just like your mother!!"

Like EvenKeel said, its best to uphold the integrity at your house and hope that in time your DD will see who her mother really is.

LilBlackCat posted 5/24/2019 13:02 PM

I found that being open and willing to give corrective appropriate info has allowed my DD2 to see the truth.

I got some of this in the beginning, So with time.. and continued conversations, there's a reasonable medium.. Which in itself is clearing up to the truth as DD has gotten very keen on details and WW's stories have morphed over time (since many were lies) and DD caught on that my stories never change.

Good luck, I do not think clamping down and being quiet is the answer.. Cause in doing so, you are looked as if you are confirming the misguided info she is contending with. Keep calm and keep the convo flowing.

OuttaCoffee posted 5/24/2019 18:57 PM

Jesus H Christ, the misleading and manipulation is one thing, but getting DD2 back with the new additions to her lexicon all of a sudden is crazy making shit. Any new phrases other than the ones the ex used with her others would have been fine. There was one used only with them and itís completely uncharacteristic of either in their normal language. It was specifically meant as a barb, referencing what she said to others. DD2 is 16, DD1 is 18. The subtleties of what the ex does is sick. My oldest sees exactly what sheís doing on the more blatant things, but had no idea about this one. But she also doesnít spend much time there either. The youngest is a lot like her mother, but there are still plenty of differences. Her mother got into her head and getting her back to normal is difficult this time. Sheís spent a vast amount of time on the couch and on her phone. This isnít her. Iím only sorry right now that I didnít push for every other weekend as opposed to alternating weeks. Iím sick of her using the girls as parrots for her bullshit. I expected her to rewrite history, as far as what the girls knew and know, but sheís implanting her own twisted views as well. She wrecked the family, but itís now my fault. I didnít give her what she wanted
I just hope for a return to common sense at some point and some ability to correct the bullshit. I still have the trove of evidence in case of future events. God only knows what else that woman is capable of. But I donít want my girls to ever see it. She was and remains a horrible individual. I donít understand the mentality. That wasnít supposed to be who I was involved with. But Iím sure stuck with it now, or parts of it

josiep posted 5/26/2019 07:00 AM

Thereís not really much you can do to counteract her words. But I think you could take action to sort of prove that itís not true. Did you get a new apartment and does your daughter visit you there? Does she have a bedroom in your new apartment? Iím thinking maybe doing a project together in your new place decorating her room in a fun style or setting up a Music Corner or in the living room. Or even have your daughter help you do a little fun decorating maybe with a fun poster on the wall or nice placemats on the table. And maybe your daughter could bring some of her things from home to decorate your place so it feels more homey to her. And if thatís not a good idea or wonít work for your family how about you and your daughter sign up for a class together? It could be painting it could be music it could be current events, Art. Or maybe even those Saturday morning things at Home Depot where they teach you how to cut tile or something. IOW, find something that would be fun to do together.

Take a shelter dog out for a day.

Charity411 posted 5/26/2019 11:46 AM

I can completely relate to what you are going through. I went through it with my DD. She was only 6 when my WH left. At that age I didn't necessarily see the influence he and OW were having on her.

The trouble started when she hit high school and continued after that. He was facilitating her substance abuse. I was the "no fun" parent who was the reason he had to leave for his best friend's wife. He was the cool dad.

You are dealing with a double whammy. You have a manipulative EXW who wants to shift blame and a DD that is the worst possible age for this scenario. I wish I could give you some magic words but in my experience, words are the least effective with teenage girls. Part of the problem is that you are taking the high road, and EXW is not, so DD is only hearing one side.

I agree with Joseip. Be the cool dad in a productive way when you have her. Get her off the couch. She'll give you attitude, but too bad. You're in charge.

Over time your DD will come to see the truth for herself. In my case DD is now married with two small kids of her own. She continued to have an alcohol problem until 3 years ago, when she almost drank herself to death. Interestly, now that she's sober she sees things very differently. "Cool Dad" took them all to Disney World for a week where they shared a rental home in Orlando. Within three days my son-in-law was ready to leave because of how controlling and manipulative he was. My DD told me she never realized what an alcoholic her dad was, and she said they will never go anywhere with him again or let him drive when her kids are in the car. She told me recently she didn't understand how I stayed married to him as long as I did. So take heart. Things really do eventually come full circle.

OuttaCoffee posted 5/26/2019 16:56 PM

I maintained the house. There was no way the ex could afford it. But having DD put more of her mark is a good idea. There is still plenty to do on the remodels

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Went out for lunch, played mini put-put and got my ass handed to me, finally got her dress shopping done for next weekís symphony weíre attending, had Starbucks and had movie time at the house. Got her back to normal just in time to give her back.

We did have a small conversation this morning. It started after a video of her and her sister ďdecoratingĒ me was asked about on my old tablet. I didnít go into specifics, but did give an idea as to why we are divorced. She didnít remember many of the things we used to do when she was small. For years it was her, her sister and me doing everything. Their mother was ďtoo tiredĒ from ďworkingĒ nights be be involved. In truth, she was servicing other men at least once a week and the rest of the time sheíd be on the phone. DD2 rememberers nothing of that, but DD1 damn sure does. Little of all the trips we made everywhere. We went through some old pictures of when she was little and younger. Ripped my guts out. Their mother was absent for a long time. I hated giving her back. We spent some time on Halo this morning where I, again, got my ass handed to me, lol.

Iím sick of the single father thing. Never realized how long I was actually doing it.

Charity411 posted 5/26/2019 20:25 PM

You are absolutely right. You have been a single father, and doing it well. Carry on. You will be ok and remebered for it.

homewrecked2011 posted 5/27/2019 04:55 AM

Yes, just keep providing a huge difference in your home compared to her mothers house. Day after day. Donít give up any of your visitation time as every moment you have with your daughter gives her a safe place as well as time w/o her moms influence. Summer is here and her Mom might try to wiggle a few days out if youósay no every time. It really helped me show my sons how to set boundaries! Also, if xw is gone any this summer, definitely drop every plan you have and get your DDs.

I also had to reprogram every Sunday night-until about Wed.
The other thing I realized is that when they were with their Dad, they are hurting bc of the change in their life. My youngest mimicked his Dad bc it was a coping mechanism to be closer to his Dad. You see, your DD canít be herself at her Moms, she has to morph to keep her Mom happy. I continued to provide a safe, stable environment, and steered his personality back to normal.

I say this bc Iím on the other side- DS 22, DS 19. We made it! They both see their Dad and manipulative OW for who they are.

Also- going off to college really helped my kids get away and see the whole situation in a different way. -I let them have their space, Dad was texting them that they only call him when they want something. They both shut him down pretty fast.

My best friend grew up in a situation like your DDs. It gave me hope when she said that when she grew up it was easy to see she wanted to model the environment she had at her Dads house.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:01 AM, May 27th (Monday)]

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