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So 3 months since DDay...

BetterTimesAhead posted 5/22/2019 15:15 PM

Just reflecting on how much my life has changed in three short months. And they flew by. Still in shock. Still angry. Still partially in denial - can't believe WH did this. Still really tired and not sleeping well. Still in limbo. When will it get better?

On the positive side... I am eating a bit more. I am not crying every day (thank you EMDR!) MC is actually helpful. WH has an IC that I've never met but don't feel is doing much so I suggested he switch - of course he didn't want to. After MC yesterday, I pointed out to him that a particular conversation he and MC had is how his IC should be, so I hope that's how it's going so that he is getting something out of it. And he actually said he is cancelling his next IC and looking for a new IC. Said he knows he can't go to mine but maybe she can recommend someone. I think that's progress. Still won't give me all the details but is answering more and more questions about his thoughts and feelings, then and now. And we are actually communicating better. Not great, but better. Baby steps in the right direction I guess. What is the right direction? Not sure R or D, but at least clarity. At least a plan for something. Day to day is still very difficult. I am hanging in there. Looking forward to when I am happy again, whenever that might be.

annb posted 5/22/2019 15:27 PM

I am glad you are feeling a bit better, it takes so much time, not months, but years.

You need the truth in order to move in any direction. That's the bottom line. If he isn't willing to give you the truth, then he doesn't get it no matter how much IC or MC.

What are you doing just for you?

BetterTimesAhead posted 5/22/2019 15:57 PM

WH is giving me various reasons for not answering all my questions at this point and as we are only 3 months in, I will give him some time. But it is a dealbreaker - if he won't ultimately answer what I need to know, there is no R. Very simple. I haven't decided what the deadline is yet. I know he has a lot to work on regarding himself. I will take it day by day.

As for my, I go to IC. I continue my yoga classes. I try to eat and eat healthier. I confide in certain friends who are supportive. I go to MC with WH as I feel it is helping us communicate and I learn a lot not only about myself but about him that he otherwise might not tell me at this point. I read a lot - articles, books, SI - I feel that information and knowledge helps me process. I make sure my son is a priority every day. I speak my mind - no more holding back because WH might take offense or not agree. I just let the chips fall as they may now. I stand up for myself even if it starts an argument. I am looking for a job. I am trying to put myself (and my son) first. All of this, of course, is when I have the energy. Not sleeping well certainly saps my strength at times. I am trying to be positive and convince myself that there are BetterTimesAhead.

Marie2792 posted 5/22/2019 20:24 PM

For me, I couldnít even consider forgiving until I knew what I was forgiving. A remorseful spouse doesnít keep secrets or withhold information. He has a lot of work to do and three months out is a short time although I bet it feels like an eternity. I didnít have all the answers from my husband until month 7. Continue focusing on you. Time will tell you what you want to know and youíll be strong enough to handle any decisions you have to make.

BetterTimesAhead posted 5/23/2019 15:14 PM

Thank you Marie. It does feel like an eternity but I know it's just the beginning unfortunately. And I feel the same as you I need to know what it is I am forgiving before I can consider actually forgiving. As you said time will tell if he will step up and do what he needs to do.

Tallgirl posted 5/24/2019 17:57 PM


I am one year out from DDay1 and 10 months from DDay2 and 6 weeks from mini DDAy3..

My WH continued his affair after the first D day. He was angry, mean, physical in his expression of anger to inanimate objects, he was distant, did not want to talk about the A even though he promised he had stopped lying. After DDay2 he told me everything except what he didnít. He was very different, he was more committed, he started to see and understand the pain he caused. I think that was quite a surprise for him. The mini Dday3 happened because he omitted to tell me about going to a massage parlour for happy endings for four or five years. Trust was lost.

Does it get better? Sure. Does it still hurt? Absolutely. I am Taking my time to decide. I have struggled with healing and feeling better. I am still very very very angry. Some days, like you, I cannot believe that this is happened to me. Other days I feel fully detached and ready to leave. Sometimes I desperately want this marriage and him. and other times - I think - run like hell.

I am using this limbo Time to decide. After the last set of lies I asked for a trial separation. Without trust and honesty there is no R. I feel as if weíve gone back to ground zero.

So it does get better, you do get stronger, and the pain and challenge can continue. There is no simple fix. After the last set of lies I am deciding whether I like him enough to even try.

My recommendation, if I have any wisdom, which Iím not sure I do, is to do things for yourself. Try to put your mind elsewhere so you can find you again.

EMDR our is a terrific idea, I have not tried it but I think I may have benefitted from it in the early days.

Remember to put you first, put away the crap for set periods of time, and try to enjoy small parts of life for you.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 9:03 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

Dontworrybehappy posted 5/24/2019 18:01 PM

So great to hear that you are feeling good ish thatís a step in the right direction! Stay in therapy it helps in the first stages. Withought it you will lose your mind. And itís great that he is also getting help and working to better you both.

WanttToBeHappy posted 5/24/2019 18:27 PM

A tad over 3 months out too.
I am miserable. We r in IC but not MC just yet. I small in EMDR but they havenít started it. Hoping next week.
Feel free to PM if you need to chat. Could use a friend going thru the same thing at the time line.

BetterTimesAhead posted 5/24/2019 18:40 PM

Thank you all for the support. I have faith that it will get easier but I am realistic to know that will most likely not be any time soon. For me, limbo is a horrible place to be. I like answers. I like direction. I like a plan. But I don't want to rush into any decision so I am stuck here for now. Trying to learn patience. I'll keep reading - keep at my IC and MC - and try to take care of myself. Today is not so great but my IC warned me it would be a tough week as we didn't finish this week's EMDR (didn't close the loop). Hopefully we will do that next week. For now, trying to stay positive and focus on a better future.

Tallgirl posted 5/25/2019 09:34 AM

One day at a time. One minute at a time. Sometimes this is the only way.

BetterTimesAhead posted 5/25/2019 09:38 AM

Tallgirl, that is totally how I face my days now. No long term plans. Kind of sad but necessary.

The1stWife posted 5/26/2019 03:17 AM

Iím sorry you have found this group and have been impacted by infidelity. It sure does stink to be the Betrayed spouse (BS)

Glad things are improving - even if slowly. Just know this period of limbo and/or reconciliation is an emotional roller coaster ride. Please donít get thrown by setbacks or bad days during this time.

You are rebuilding the marriage and it takes two committed people. Now is the time to decide what you want to change and to make the change happen. It will be worth it in the end.

Your CS needs to know theyíve caused a trauma to you and the marriage and it takes time to heal.

BetterTimesAhead posted 5/26/2019 18:54 PM

Thank you the1stwife. I usually love roller coasters but not this one lol. It does get me down sometimes when I feel like I'm getting nowhere. Trying to be patient to see where this leads. Don't want to make any rash decisions. Just trying to determine where I will find my happiness and with whom.

Tallgirl posted 6/4/2019 09:25 AM

People tend to say find love and happiness in yourself first and then your healing journey will start.

I am not quite there yet , Though i am tired of the anger so soon I hope. It is a bit scary to let go of the anger - what is behind it is unknown.

BetterTimesAhead posted 6/4/2019 09:41 AM

What you say makes sense tallgirl. But it is just so hard to get past the anger and really see or do anything else. I guess it's just because the whole situation is so unfair and it is so difficult to believe that someone who claims to love you could do this to you. But, obviously we have no choice but to get through it so I try to to do it as best I can. Good luck to you and I hope you get past the anger soon and find that happiness in yourself.

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