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Why is it so difficult to end the affair

Lorisa posted 5/21/2019 13:55 PM

While in a LTA, why is it so difficult to end the affair. Iíve read here from others that once you are in, it is very difficult to end it, why?

hikingout posted 5/21/2019 14:02 PM

I did not have an LTA, I had a short term. In that period of time, I could still tell you the problems:

1. The WS gets to where he/she is used to getting most of their happy feelings (actual dopamine hits to the brain) from their addiction to the other person.
2. The WS has likely brainwashed themselves. Cognitive Dissonance occurs when we want to do something but we know it's wrong. When we do something anyway we tell ourselves all sorts of stories until we come to believe them as true. That's where the rewriting of the marriage comes in. Romanticizing who the AP is - you have seen "they always affair down" - it's true, we pick very inappropriate people and put lipstick on that pig.
3. We are often particularly adverse to negative emotions. We over value happy. So, we are conflict avoidant, and often reality avoidant. We don't want to give up the fantasy.
4. We don't take responsibility for our own happiness and it gets wrapped up in getting other people to make us happy. We become a black hole of neediness.

In some cases, there is a lot of guilt I imagine for "letting that other person down" But, because of the stories we've told ourselves, it fits the context.

In other cases, there becomes a lot of manipulation from the other side that adds pressure to the situation.

And, of course the overlying reason for all of it is that we are in a mode where we are being selfish, emotionally immature, and avoiding all introspection and pain at all costs.

The1stWife posted 5/21/2019 14:04 PM

Multiple reasons.

It is like an addiction and it feels good so it is hard to stop

The AP threatens to tell the BS

The CS gets off on the thrill of the illicit sex and interactions

The Knight in Shining Armor (KISA) syndrome - going to save the poor ďdamsel in distressĒ or the guy ďno one understands but the CSĒ

Sex addict - will cheat with anyone available

Addiction issues - coupled with cheating issues - all rolled into one

The CS is a coward and too chicken to end it

I think thatís a good start

Chaos posted 5/21/2019 14:16 PM

I'm the BS of a 4.5 year LTA my WH chose to have with the same AP [1.5 years of those after DDay1].

I'm very interested in the responses to this.

Thissucks5678 posted 5/21/2019 15:15 PM

The COW dropped hints about telling me all of the time. Just wanted to blow up our marriage so she could have my life. So he for the last 6 months of the affair he just kept her hanging on by words mostly. Itís really stupid. He was also crazy conflict avoidant. Our MC asked him why didnít you just ended it once you were over it and when he said that she said she would tell - our MC responded and said that they usually donít. If I had been your IC, thatís what I would have advised you to do. Just end it, and work up to telling your wife.

Oh well, now we are here, and because of his avoidance I have a year of triggering events instead of just a few months.

deephurt posted 5/21/2019 18:13 PM

My wh has a lta. Very long. He said he tried to end it 5 months prior to me finding out. He doesnít know why he couldnít stop but I do.

Itís an addiction. The ego nibbles and how having someone else made him feel so awesome about himself is very difficult to give up.

Adaira posted 5/21/2019 18:20 PM

The way this is worded almost implies the affair is something painful and terrible and the cheater must WANT to stop, so why donít they?

The answer is really easy. They donít want to stop because they like doing it. It feels good. Sex. Ego kibbles. Duperís delight (google it). The innocent spouse at home dutifully watching the kids and paying the bills while theyíre out getting their rocks off with new and strange.

Why is it so difficult for me stop eating cake when Iím trying to lose weight? Because cake is fucking delicious and I enjoy it.

Darkness Falls posted 5/21/2019 18:25 PM

What Adaira said. In most cases, the WS wouldnít be having the affair if they didnít want to, so why would they want to stop? I donít have stats but Iíd say most affairs only stop when they get busted or someone gets dumped.

I realize this doesnít apply to all affairs, but Iíd definitely say most.

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