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My WW triggers during sex

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HoldingTogether posted 5/19/2019 13:28 PM

She has gone to therapy for 18 months and has done everything a remorseful spouse could do to fix herself

This statement is contradicted by the rest of your post. I don’t mean that in pejorative sense, but simply to say that if she is triggering and shame spiraling during sex she still has a lot of healing work to do. Is she a member here? Many people advise against encouraging the WS to join here as this is your safe space, but if you are comfortable with it I would recommend encouraging her to join. Many WW’s here could probably help her with this aspect of her recovery.

Also, can I ask if you are taking any prescription medications for depression or anxiety at this point? Because I had a problem very similar to this one:

I could not orgasm even if I could keep an erection.

I discovered that it seemed most likely to be a side effect of an anti anxiety medication I was prescribed post Dday. At the risk of oversharing: I could maintain an erection but everytime I would approach the point of orgasmic inevitability the sexual arousal would simply shut off like a light switch. Turns out the medication I was taking helped to suppress excited electrical activity in my brain. Or something along those lines anyway, the psychologist explained it better than I am .

I will add that, when it comes to triggers during sex, there is also a certain amount of needing to just power through and “fake it till you make it” involved. I realize that a lot of people have an issue with the idea “faking it” when it comes to sex. They would prefer to have sex always be this deep emotionally connected experience, and I get it. But in order to get to that place sometimes you have to power through the tough stuff.

Best of luck brother.

NewToHell posted 5/19/2019 22:45 PM

OP Here.

Thank you every one for your responses.

There was a male wayward spouse in another thread in the "Wayward" section that wrote that he would be "destroyed" if his wife had sex with another man several times. He said that he would be "upset to the point of nausea that I wasn't as good in bed as him and she'd be comparing us as far as our techniques". This was the comment I needed to read tonight and it is connected to my wife triggering because she knows I trigger from feeling emasculated, insecure and inadequate. Then she triggers and floods full off negative emotions.

I don't think she experiences a shame spiral or only feels guilty when she triggers. Triggering and flooding is a far more intense emotional experience than strong feelings of shame or guilt. Triggering and flooding for me feels like a diffuse electrical current running through every cell in my body that turns on every pain receptor in my body. I even feel like my skin is burning when it happens. She describes triggering and flooding in the same way.

I may try EMDR. I have researched it and it may help with some of the images I have during sex but I don't think EMDR would help feelings of inadequacy or insecurity.

[This message edited by NewToHell at 10:46 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

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