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Help SI. Brother found chlamydia pills and suspects cheating

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J707 posted 5/17/2019 21:47 PM

Many of you may know me but I'm here to post about my brothers situation. All I've been through and have experienced and learned here on SI points that my brothers wife (not legally married but referred to as wife) is cheating. Way to many red flags. He was looking in his wife's purse for a cigarette and found an empty bottle from planned parenthood for chlamydia. Confonted through text she says she was cleaning out a looker of some coworker next to hers and totally forgot it was in there. She was extremely short in her answer. Kinda brushed it off as she forgot it was in there. A week before she was having abdominal pains that she says was her period but didn't really have those regular abdominal pains like that before. She goes out with coworkers almost every Friday night leaving bro and DS9 and doesn't return until the early hours and sleeps in super late. She has been distant. She is always on her phone, this isn't anything out of the ordinary since she always has been but you know. Phone is password protected. She hasn't been intimate with him, they have had talks about it and brother is trying to do what he can but she isn't and she brought up the conversation. She has recently been getting the mail, something she never did before. She has felt unloved for 4 or 5 years. They have been through some extremely rough times that most have not been through but brother has held things together. She said she was discharging because of her period and pains but he looked through the laundry and didn't see anything.

Just typing this out as a BS, there are soo many red flags! Wow. He knows my story obviously and I heard him out and gave my advise as an outsider looking in and hearing it. He thinks she is cheating and I agree, all the signs are there. Also my brother is married to my stbxww sister. They are 2 years apart in age, SIL is older. Yeah..

I told him I'll get him a VAR to put in her car, any recommendations would help on which ones are best. I also told him to try and find her cell records, he thinks he has access to it but they have different providers. Look for any paper trail of receipts or credit cards. I told him to speak to the other coworker who's pills they were. He was at the end of his rope before all this. She was kinda non chalant about the pill bottle saying it was someone else's, no real defensive actions. Told him not to tip his hat at anything, just investigate a little more but, man it's all there. Just today I was thinking she was, I was going to ponder it for a day as I am going through my D but saw brother and he dropped this on me and I told him what I was thinking as well. Any insight that I can pass along from all of you would be greatly appreciated as you have helped me so much!

Marz posted 5/17/2019 22:33 PM

He needs to keep his mouth shut, eyes and ears open.

Make sure he knows at this time to trust nothing she says and she'll only admit to what he can prove if that. id inform him he really doesn't have to prove anything to anyone but himself.

If he can afford it a PI would be good. Or someone to follow on a GNO. He's probably the type who wants to know for sure.

He probably needs to get STD testing ran if he's having sex with her. ASAP

Hopefully with your help he won't wallow in this a long time.

If that's what's going on but it sure smells like it.

Marz posted 5/17/2019 22:34 PM

The pill bottle will have who the prescription was issued to!!!

J707 posted 5/17/2019 22:45 PM

I did tell him to keep quiet, watch her actions. Don't believe what she throws his way just try and observe. They did talk about the pills. The pills only say it is from planned parenthood, no name on it. Not sure if that is standard there but I saw pics he took and no name. I'll tell him to get tested. He can't afford a PI but checking out where she goes on GNO or coworkers night out might be doable

[This message edited by J707 at 10:48 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

Marz posted 5/17/2019 23:03 PM

A close friend that the wife doesn't know would be good. GPS on the car would help. Like VARs they are fairly cheap

[This message edited by Marz at 11:04 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

J707 posted 5/17/2019 23:08 PM

I just bought him a VAR for the car. He can track her on FB as long as she has her phone with her.

ShutterHappy posted 5/17/2019 23:43 PM

The fact that “she doesn’t feel loved”, refuse intimacy and go party every Friday seems to indicate that she might be out of the marriage at this point. Those are not the action of a spouse committed to his/her marriage.

Whether she is actually cheating... more information is needed.

Have you suggested to your brother that he creates an account here on SI?

J707 posted 5/17/2019 23:54 PM

Shutterhappy, I told him about SI earlier this evening when I saw him and he told me about this. I think it would be good for him to personally tell his story so I'll try and get him on here.

The1stWife posted 5/18/2019 00:19 AM

How long has she been having these Friday overnight “hirls night out” events?

That is a huge red flag.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:36 AM, May 19th (Sunday)]

J707 posted 5/18/2019 06:56 AM

She has been going out for months, maybe 4 or so. He was looking to leave her and move out in March over her not being there among a lot of other things in there relationship. After there blow up she hasn't changed and still goes out. Still was out last night as of 1230 am, this is a few days after finding the empty bottle. She's definitely acting like a WS

EmotionalTsunami posted 5/18/2019 08:28 AM

There are definitely too many red flags. With all those signs, it could be an exit affair. But even without the suspected cheating, it sounds like the marriage was suffering. There is no intimacy, and she is disengaged. She doesn’t seem committed to making it work, and she is not in the least bit interested in reassuring your brother and addressing his concerns.

That said, I agree that he should keep his eyes and ears open for suspected cheating. In the meantime, he may want to put more thought into his threat to separate (although I wouldn’t recommend him being the one to move out). It sounded like he was moving in that direction before the pill bottle catalyst, so he should start getting his ducks in a row. Even if there was no cheating, would he want to remain in a marriage with her? Food for thought....

Buster123 posted 5/18/2019 10:34 AM

No definite proof yet but it sounds like an exit A, lots of red flags, I would be very surprised if she's not cheating, teach him how to use the VAR, but after a few days if he doesn't get much on it, he needs to get access to her phone, it she's cheating, it's all there, I would tell your brother to leave his phone home on purpose then go out with her to a restaurant and while there tell her he needs to make an emergency call, once she unlocks it and gives it to him, tell him to get up and go to the bathroom, tell him to make sure he screen shots everything and send them to himself for proof. Make sure he comes here for guidance.

annanew posted 5/18/2019 10:50 AM

Curious whose name was on the pill bottle.

Everything sounds bad enough that I’m not sure he needs more evidence, unless he needs to see it in black and white. (I did.)

So sorry your brother is going through this.

J707 posted 5/18/2019 10:57 AM

No name was on the pill bottle. Does planned parenthood just give out prescriptions without a name? Not sure. It wasn't from her regular doctor. Why would she keep an empty bottle from cleaning out a coworkers locker, why not toss it in the trash. I call bullshit. Theres no reason to keep "garbage" like that in your purse. Doesn't make sense.

Marriagesucks posted 5/18/2019 11:12 AM

Like you I've gone through this sh*t with my brother as well. I gave him the full routine of what red flags to watch out for. Tried my best to get him to join SI to no avail as he is the self reliant type.

A couple of other things come to mind.

If he goes for her phone be damn sure she is not awake when he does. My brothers WW woke up and a nasty squabble ensued as a result (as in hair pulling and clawing).

Make sure he keeps a VAR in his pocket every time he talks to his wife. That is what brought my brother down in the end (false DV charge). It took many, many months to get the RO thrown out of court as frivolous.

[This message edited by Marriagesucks at 11:14 AM, May 18th (Saturday)]

J707 posted 5/18/2019 11:16 AM

So this pill bottle thing happened yesterday morning. She went out last night again and didn't come home as of 8 this morning. VAR is being delivered tomorrow.
Phone is password protected, either he asks to see it, since she shouldn't have anything to hide or I told him he can get a camera where she usually is on her phone all the time to find out the password

[This message edited by J707 at 11:19 AM, May 18th (Saturday)]

beenthereinco posted 5/18/2019 11:18 AM

Why not just a direct approach? Just walk up and say "Let me see your phone. Now." and see what happens. All of the red flags are here and waving. I don't see the point of beating around the bush. She has been putting his health at risk. If she won't hand over the phone unlocked then I think he has his answer. Unless he's in a state that it makes a difference I'd just file from that. Sounds like he wants to end this any way.

Also here is yet another post where the WS is going out with friends every weekend. I don't know how many of these I've seen lately but it is enough to where it has risen above the noise and become a pattern. I don't understand it. Never will. But I'll say this to anyone lurking on this site because you have suspicions. If your spouse is having a regular girls or guys night out, and I mean regular like every week, this is not normal and healthy for your marriage.

tushnurse posted 5/18/2019 14:49 PM

Sorry. But there are many things that the same medication used to treat chlamydia is used for. Most are chronic viral infections. That said the pill bottle doesn't say what is is to treat. It is required by law to have the person. Rx the med, the medication name, dosage, route, frequency. Needs cannot be dispensed without the person receiving them name on the bottle. That sounds fishy.
But so does her behavior.
I agree what wrong with him saying hand me your phone now or leave.
Unless thos is round two he should easily have the upper hand and take back control.

J707 posted 5/18/2019 15:17 PM

Tushnurse: That's what I thought was weird, no name on it, that was my understanding too under the law. I thought maybe it was on there and was pulled off. He said he googled what it was for and chlamydia came up.

SorrowfulMoon posted 5/18/2019 19:00 PM

She went out last night again and didn't come home as of 8 this morning.

Excuse me, why do you need concrete evidence? Is this not enough? They are not legally married; she is constantly disrespecting him and now this.

He knows she is cheating and she knows he knows. He should just concentrate his efforts to agree to fair co-parenting and look after the interests of his child.

It's very sad but there seems to be no relationship to save here.

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