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Confused/ Threats

alwaystrusting posted 5/15/2019 08:42 AM

I am a mess as I write this post. My father in law passed away about three months ago. Right after he passed my husband began acting strange and asking for space saying that he needs time to process things. I gave him the space he requested all the while not understanding what was going on. He progressively started getting very short with me and then started saying he doesn't want to answer to anyone etc. That he needed to do things for himself. Kept telling me that I am not happy with him and we have not been happy for a long time. We went through IVF for 3 years and he said I traveled for you during that time and now I want to travel for myself. None of this was making sense. I thought it all had to do with remorse over his fathers death. Last week I found airline tickets for he and a woman. I put some pieces together and spoke with the womans fiance who she just asked to have space from two weeks ago. We have put the puzzle pieces together and found that my husband and his fiance have been meeting up for tennis and some travel since January- before my father in law passed. I am so devastated as I cant imagine that he would do this to us. I have confronted him and he just says its not what I think. That is pretty much all he has said. Then he starts telling me that he want to separate and that I should go find someone. I am a mess. I do not know what to do. This is my marriage. Do I confront her?

dancin-gal posted 5/15/2019 09:07 AM

I am so sorry.. your WS is still in Lala land.. it is all about him.. selfish behavior.. you can confront the OW .. not sure it will do any good .. if her fiancé hasn't already confronted her .. right now you need to take care of yourself .. read in the healing library .. there are some great books out there to read.. don't make any hasty decisions .. tell your WS he needs to break it off .. do the 180 .. found in Healing library didn't mention if you had children.. if so, care for them and your self .. let your WS take care of himself..don't do anything for him.. you will get lots of advise .. right now your healing begins with you .. seek IC if possible, find one trusted person to talk to .. before spreading the news of WS 's Affair ..( if he breaks off with OW .. and YOU choose to stay , not sure you want all your friends to know about his A.. some people are very judgmental..) go slowly .. be your own best friend ,do what is best for you ..not what others want you to do..

[This message edited by dancin-gal at 9:09 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

sisoon posted 5/15/2019 11:11 AM

At this point, your H isn't admitting he's cheating in so many words - but telling you to find a new partner pretty much tells you he's in a 'fog,' not in touch with reality.

It's possible to rebuild a marriage when both partners want to rebuild and when the WS (wayward spouse) is committed to doing the very hard work of recovering/fixing himself.

Step 1 is for the WS to admit he cheated.

At this point, R is impossible for you - your H is simply not a candidate for R.

Your best approach is to take care of yourself. Unfortunately, you will feel awful - grief, fear, anger, shame in vast quantity. My reco is to let the feelings in - but keep yourself healthy while you do it. Drink water, move your body, eat and sleep if you can, teach yourself that you can survive and thrive.

Put aside the question of go or stay for now. Right now, your choice is file for D or decide to wait to see if your H gets back in touch with reality.

But you can survive and thrive with or without him.

Chaos posted 5/15/2019 11:29 AM

Then he starts telling me that he want to separate and that I should go find someone

Do just that - find someone - a lawyer.

Lp0725 posted 5/15/2019 12:28 PM

I am so sorry for what you're going through. Your husband is full of crap. He said it's not what you think. It's EXACTLY what you think. He has been cheating on you since at least January. I don't want to get too graphic and add to your pain, but you absolutely need to get STD tested ASAP. This sounds like an exit affair to me, and I think you need to see a lawyer ASAP as well and start separating finances and file for divorce. Go read the 180 in the healing library and implement it. If you two don't have any children together, I don't think you should consider reconciliation, even if he fesses up and asks you to take him back, but that's ultimately your decision. I don't think there's any point in confronting the other woman. You've already talked to her fiance, so what good could come from talking to her? She's a dirty selfish cheater just like your husband, and she doesn't even give a shit about her own fiance, so why would she care about the harm she's caused you?

Please try to take care of yourself. I know you're completely devastated and your world has been turned upside down, so please see a therapist as soon as you can, and also reach out to family and friends for support.

MamaDragon posted 5/15/2019 12:29 PM

Find yourself a lawyer - talk to a few of the best ones in your area too - ask for a legal separation & divorce papers. The legal separation keeps you from having to share any debt he has after the separation. If you have children, ask for a custody agreement to be drawn up too.

gather your financials & important documents.

if your state is a state that allows for infidelity to be used as grounds for divorce - use it and sue the AP for alienation of affection.

Do the 180 - it is in the healing library. This is to help you disengage from him. He has fired you as his wife, so treat him like he is NOT your friend (cause he isn't)

Open up a bank account in your name only and start putting your money in it. Take your name off any shared credit cards (legal separation). Move his stuff to another room - don't give up the master bedroom. If he is not abusive, do not leave the house.

Tell everyone and anyone that he is cheating, show them proof. Nothing stops an affair like shining light on it.

Take care of yourself too - eat healthy, drink H20, see a dr for medication if you need it - exercise and try to keep yourself busy. Go out with friends & Come here to vent.

Remember, calm, cool and collect when dealing with him. It will drive him batty - especially bc he expects you to do the pick me dance. Don't do it.


self-rescuer posted 5/15/2019 12:57 PM

Remember, calm, cool and collect when dealing with him. It will drive him batty - especially bc he expects you to do the pick me dance. Don't do it

Listen to Mama Dragon. His declaration that you need to find someone else is so frickin' typical. It's a puzzling statement that leaves you bewildered and prompts the pick me dance.

Sweetie - you have just been pushed into the deep end and it is terrifying. I always suggest circling your wagons. You need love ones near now. These will be your darkest days filled with confusion, disbelief, fear and absolute agony. You need a support network.

And speaking of networks - keep posting. People here truly care.

nekonamida posted 5/17/2019 11:17 AM

See a lawyer even if you don't file. Since he is saying your marriage is over and he wants to separate, he himself could get a lawyer and blindside you with papers. Get some information just in case that happens.

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