"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

LivingWithPain posted 5/15/2019 12:22 PM

All good advice BlueBill. I have nothing to add to what the others have said, except that I recommend you ask her to move out for the time being. She needs to start paying some penance for what she did.

She also needs to go to your children, parents, siblings, hers and yours, and admit to everyone what she did. Take control of the narrative now before she spins some story that you forced her to have an affair due to your neglect.

Michigan posted 5/15/2019 12:42 PM

You have received great advice so far.

After being married for 25 years you’re family. You would think that being steadfast and reliable would be a positive. Sometimes it’s a negative because you can be taken for granted like a utility company. The lights will always come on.

She had a division of labor going on. You for day to day stability and her OM for fun. She was having the time of her life and never thought she would get caught.

Think of her as your teenage daughter who is sneaking out of her bedroom to date a boy you don’t approve of. It she thinks that daddy will never kick her out the house she will never stop going out the window. You need to show her that daddy can do just fine without her.

The biggest mistake you can make is to go straight to working things out. No matter how big of a fit you had actions are what count. That’s why divorce must be on the table even if you 100% want to stay with her. Your value is the stability you provide. She needs to know that it can be taken away.

Now your wife is afraid that if she admits to having sex it will push you over the edge. She will swear on the lives of your children that it didn’t happen because she’s cornered. You need to change the dynamic to that you’re getting a divorce and the only way to get you to reconsider is to tell the truth.

She will tell you whatever you want to hear and sex you up until this blows over. That’s hard to resist. If you go with the flow it will send a message that you think what she did isn’t that bad. She has to think about what her life will be without you.

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:45 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

Michigan posted 5/15/2019 12:47 PM

I recommend you ask her to move out for the time being.

LivingWithPain

This is a good idea but you can’t legally force her out. Tell her that you need some space and time to think about your future and ask her to temporally move out.

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:49 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

beenthereinco posted 5/15/2019 13:23 PM

She's still lying. Think about this from the perspective of the 30 year old co-worker. He's not investing hours a day talking to your WW on the phone if they aren't having sex. He might do that for a few weeks to close the deal but not for months. He just wouldn't. You're a man, you know this to be true.

So she's lying still and until that changes there is nothing to salvage here. Tell her that you know she's lying and until you get the truth you're moving on to Divorce. And then, and this is key, do it. Not necessarily get a Divorce but start the process. It takes time. She needs to see that you are serious about this and even more importantly you need to be serious about it. I'm not advocating playing a game here. You should start the Divorce process (See an attorney, file, start documenting assets, give her a draft separation agreement, etc.) and be fully prepared to go through with it if you decide to.

You may decide not to Divorce. You may find out it's worse than what you think now and decide you have to. Who knows. But I can tell you that moving forward to get out of this state is the best thing you can do and the best way to do that is right now to move forward as if you are divorcing because right now she is not remorseful at all. If she were she wouldn't continue to disrespect you with these lies.

HalfTime2017 posted 5/15/2019 14:31 PM

Bill,

I hope you take the advice given to you here. I came here over 2 yrs ago, and didnt immediately sign on, and even than, when given advice under a different screen, chose to do the pick me dance for a period of 6-8 weeks. Let me tell you that doesn't work.

The collective wisdom on this board is better than anything you'll get from counseling, I mean it. MC is worthless to you right now. If you go, you'll be set up to be blamed for the affair, and why can't you get over the affair to start rebuilding the marriage, when you are not the cause of the affair. Don't go to MC, and let them blame you.

Pull up your shorts, listen to the advice everyone is giving you, and you will have the best chance of recovery no matter if you choose to leave or stay. What you must not do, is stay and be weak. Weakness will come and bite you later down the road. This is not a sprint, it takes yrs, thats why when you look at all the folks on the board, many have been here for yrs on yrs.

Take care of yourself and check back in frequently for help.

Michigan posted 5/15/2019 14:56 PM

She says she won't talk to him or see him and is wants to go to counseling to try to make things work.

BlueBill

I mean it. MC is worthless to you right now.

HalfTime2017

Marriage counseling is exactly what it says it is. Its purpose is to save the marriage. The most efficient way to do that is to minimize the affair and move you past it. No wonder your wife wants it.

She's assuming that you want to stay married after what she did. That very arrogant if you ask me. I crapped on you and of course you want to spend the rest of your life with me.

The first counseling each of you should have is individual counseling. Your wife to explore why she had the affair and for you to work through the fact that she had an affair. You should have different councilors.

After that is addressed you may or may not want to stay married. If you do then you can go to MC to improve the marriage.

Your wife isn't the woman you thought she was. You need to figure out if you want to be married to this new woman that inhabits your wife's body.

[This message edited by Michigan at 10:22 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

ChangeMaker posted 5/15/2019 15:18 PM

You are getting some good advice here, Bill. Take what suits you and leave the rest.

Some of us, who have been around for a while, have seen many stories come through here, and in most cases, there is MUCH more to the story than we betrayed spouses know about at the beginning.

You must prepare yourself to learn more. There is almost always more to learn - as much as you don't want to learn it.

MANY of us wanted to believe what our WW told us once they were confronted with their betrayal, because we wanted them to continue to be who we ALREADY THOUGHT THEY WERE... but they were not.

Take control is my core advice. Grab the wheel of your Life Bus here and drive. You hold all the cards now or Divorce. She meets your expectations for remaining married or Divorce. She tells you whatever you want to know or Divorce.

She wagered your marriage on this affair - she was willing to lose it. You have to be willing to lose it if you want to save it.

You don't have to give her a chance either. Many people, especially here, wouldn't begrudge you for realizing that infidelity is a one-strike, you're out deal-breaker for you. Personally, I would not even give consideration to reconciling with a cheater now.

She acted with only herself in mind. Now, you do the same.

iamweasel posted 5/15/2019 17:33 PM

Odds are it went unground or just kept simmering for now.
Remember cheaters lie and she was really well into this one. He's around.

ChangeMaker posted 5/23/2019 12:04 PM

Hey Bill, I hope you're doing okay.

Ponus18 posted 5/23/2019 13:57 PM

I'm sorry you're joining our group but you've found the place to be.

One thing you'll want to do is find out the whole truth. It's the extremely rare case where the WS makes a full confession on Day 1. They all instead try to hide as much as possible and at best you'll get the trickle truth (TT) treatment. You've already revealed that you know and so now it will be tougher to find out the facts, but that's ok. You can certainly require a written timeline followed by a polygraph to verify its completeness and accuracy. You can also use a VAR in her car or elsewhere to hear what she's saying - most likely she is still speaking to her AP. You can (and should) demand immediate access to all of her electronics and you should be able to read what's on them at will - email accounts, phone, communication apps such as What's App, etc. You won't be able to decide immediately how you want to proceed (nor should you) but collecting all the facts is a prerequisite to your decision. And it is YOUR decision to make when the time comes.

I also wanted to add that you are absolutely not stupid for not realizing what's going on. One of the best pieces of advice I got from a friend early on was to tell me that it is never stupid trusting your wife. Relatedly, this is not on you. At all. You were a faithful guy. You can't control what the other person is going to do, and you rightly put your trust in her. The shame and embarrassment is on her, not on you. Period.

You've got a rocky road ahead of you, but you'll get through it believe it or not. Hang in there and keep posting here. A terrific group here will be glad to help.

Western posted 5/24/2019 08:17 AM

I agree with Changemaker and Michigan.

Bluebill, you coming back ?

SisterMilkshake posted 5/24/2019 12:35 PM

BlueBill, don't be scared off by some of the more radical advice being thrown out here.

YOU don't have to do any of it and not everyone agrees with some of the advice others give out.

But, alot of it is true and good. Don't automatically believe your WW (wayward wife). I would expose the affair to the OBS. (other betrayed spouse) You don't need to expose the affair to everyone and anyone. In fact, that can cause a lot of undue trouble.

The most important thing is to take care of yourself. It is alright to cry. It is alright to let your WW see the damage, pain, hurt and devastation she has caused you.

I feel it is fine for you to go to MC (marriage counseling) now. I hadn't found SI on my d-day (the day we find out of the affair). It took me eight months to find SI. If we had I would have been told not to go to MC. But, we went to MC pretty soon after d-day. And, it really helped us to communicate. It was also a "safe place" for FWH (former wayward husband) to tell me some of the more hurtful, painful and ugly details of what he had done. He told me the truth during MC. Yeah, it didn't come out all at once, I got a lot of TT. (trickle truth) But, eventually I got the truth and it was during MC sessions that he was able to do that.

However, the MC has its limitations. DO NOT let the MC rug sweep the affair. Their goal is to save a marriage and not in helping the BS (betrayed spouse) with all the trauma they have experienced caused by the infidelity. So IC (individual counseling) is a good thing for maybe both of you. IC for you to help you through this trauma, IC for your WW to figure out and fix the "brokenness" in her that allowed her to indulge in infidelity. You also can have your WW sign a waiver so that the IC can speak to you about what your WW is working on in IC. It is usually a session with her IC, you, and the WW where the IC can discuss what the WW and the IC have been discussing and what the goals are. I feel that is wise. Some BS's have found out, to their horror, that what the WS and IC have been working on is how the WS can escape from and divorce their horrible BS. And oftentimes it was the BS who is paying for those sessions.

Hope you come back and share, BlueBill. Really, you don't have to do anything anyone suggests here. We will listen to you. You can have a place here just to vent, to share and to be heard.

eta: clarity

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:44 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

Western posted 5/24/2019 13:04 PM

Unbroken78 had a great post on the first page as well.

Taking the power back is key to taking control of the situation and enables you to move in what direction you want with authority.

My gut is that if you file for D, she will either run to you hard to keep you (but watch out for their A going underground or her wanting to rugsweep it) or she will run to him. If she does the latter, you have the answer that you are Plan B and can move forward decisively. However, my belief is if she goes that route, he will dump her for someone closer to his age at some point as this OM isn't in it for the seriousness of the relationship. That is my opinion as I have seen that play out many times before. But I could be wrong

[This message edited by Western at 1:08 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

Western posted 5/24/2019 13:10 PM

Dismayed said this

"Most importantly (aside from the post-nuptial) remember that you are the prize. You are now the most important person in your relationship. In every decision, choose those things that are best for your future finances, happiness, and health. Your wife chose her path, now it's your turn to choose yours. Always do what's best for you. If you want to allow her to tag along, that's fine, but make sure you're pursuing your own best interests regardless of what she says or wants. She gave up her say in your life by breaking her vows to you for the attention of another man. You have no further obligation to her. "

I agree with Dismayed completely.