SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wow. I always thought this happened to "other" couples. I've been married (mostly happily) for 25 years. I fell in love with her the second I saw her, and was married 10 months later. The most perfect woman, wife and mother. The most recent five years of our marriage were most definitely the best five years of our marriage. Like two teenagers in love, I laughed at other couples...... All of a sudden 9 months ago things abrubtly changed. Now I know it wasn't menopause, but a 30 year old boyfriend that she works with.. (I'm 50 and she's 48). She LIED, LIED and LIED some more. I put a tracker on her vehicle which proved my point, then got into our phone records.... they've been talking from 1 1/2 to 3 hours a day on the phone. Not to mention the many nights they have spent together while I am out of town working making a living for us. Still denies they slept together. We went on an awesome vacation to Puerto Rico 9 months ago, she waited for me to leave to go to the friggin store for her to call him from puerto rico for the 30 minutes I was gone.. what a dumb ass i have been.??? She says she won't talk to him or see him and is wants to go to counseling to try to make things work.? Soooo confused and hurt I don't know where to begin. Or what to think. Or what to do...... I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

First off never ever let you old lady see you cry.

Chicks dig confident men and if you want her to think about what she is giving up, you have to let her go....ask her to leave...tell her you are strong enough to never share a women with another man and if she want to act single she can be single!

No mater how hard it hurts you must show your old lady a confident man that won't take her shyt.

Yes this sound counter productive but let me tell you, now is the time to show her where you stand and cheating on you will not be tolerated.

See you can do the "pick me dance" and beg her and cry all you want... she won't see a man worth respecting.

So again.. never cry or beg...she will disrespect you even more by continuing the affair.

The only way to make her think twice about what she is about to lose is by letting her go. If you want to make her second guess her choices she has to see a confident man that can move on with out her.

Do you think the other man has to beg for her? Do you think that POS will cry over her?

Raise your attraction level by showing her the door...hopefully she is remorseful and will stay no matter how much you push her away.

If she really wants you she will fight for you!! if she doesn't she will walk out the door and you will have avoided a big mistake.

A lot of betrayed make the mistake to fight for the M when it should be the wayward who should be fighting to save the M.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 8:37 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

Hi BlueBill,

I am so sorry that you find yourself here with the rest of us BSs (Betrayed Spouses), but you will find a lot of support, comfort, and wisdom here. SI was a lifesaver for me.

Start by reading the Healing Library, and also most posts with bullseyes.

I will bump the post by Nomad Lady called:

"Another great Post for Newbies to read"

https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=532395

which I found to be so helpful.

What you are going through is a major trauma and it will take time for you to figure out what to do, and to heal.

Although we each have our own specific details, there are many similarities in our experiences.

I was married 21+ years when I found out that my WH (wayward husband) was having an A (affair) with a coworker.

For now, if you can't eat (most of us couldn't----it's called the "Infidelity Diet"), at least drink water and protein shakes. If you can't sleep, please make an appt. with your doctor ----some of us needed medication (temporarily) to get through this---to be able to function and sleep.

You don't have to make any decisions right now.

I can promise you that you will not always be in this much pain-----it will get better.

Keep reading and posting--it will help.

Sending you strength.

She says she won't talk to him or see him and is wants to go to counseling to try to make things work.

may be not so fast, she stands to lose a lot because of what she did hope she is aware of it. First of all you need to stand strong and take care of yourself. Assume WW is not on your side for now especially if she proposed the above as a matter of fact. If you fall apart you are the one who suffers. Doing your responsibilities even better in the face of adversity is sexy. If you want to reconcile make sure she understand the gravity of the risks she took. Also ask her to give all the information of OM and inform his BS.

She says she won't talk to him or see him and is wants to go to counseling to try to make things work.? Soooo confused and hurt I don't know where to begin. Or what to think. Or what to do......

First of all cheaters lie a lot. If they work together the affair will continue. Affairs are addictive you get the addict around the source you get relapse. Just because you now know doesn't mean this will end.

Please do not make the huge mistake of helping them hide their affair. That will enable it further. If he's married inspire his wife or GF immediately without warning.

Do not offered Reconcilliation or jump into marriage counciling Until you've had plenty of time to think.

Still denies they slept together.

Again cheaters lie a lot. Set her up a polygraph. 9 month affair. Bank ot it being sexual.

Right now all you're getting is self preservation at being caught. It would take 2 to R and you don't have it right now.

Better wake up and get strong quick. You'll need to

[This message edited by Marz at 8:45 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

You've been heard, BlueBill. Welcome to the club you didn't want to join.

No matter which way you decide to take this, anywhere from straight to divorce, to an attempt to save the marriage, the absolute foundation of recovering from your delicious shit sandwich is to take control. Put yourself in the driver's seat. She just drove the marital car off the cliff, so to speak, and now her job is to sit on her hands and wait for further directions.

Knowledge is power, and power is control. Read everything here, read lots of threads, read the advice in this thread. But also see a lawyer, no matter what you are inclined to do. Educate yourself.

You thought you knew your wife. You didn't. That is extremely disorienting, and now you are getting torn between who you thought she was, who she is based on what you've seen, and who she is trying to manipulate you into thinking she is, as she desperately tries to cram that genie back in the bottle. So take a deep breath, take 3-4 metaphorical steps back, and watch her. Just observe. She is not the person you thought she was. Watch to see who she really is.

Here's the facts of the matter statistically. A good number in your shoes choose to divorce immediately. Of the ones that consider trying to reconcile, a good number never overcome it. Those are facts. Your marriage is in mortal danger. This is a sobering thing, but it also confirms that the pain you feel is real, and normal.

Lots of advice coming your way....

Sending strength!

If your old lady wants counseling then it better be individual counseling b/c she cheated you didn't.

What do you need counseling for??

My point here is how can two people fix what's wrong when the infidelity is an individual choice one person makes for them selves?

Sure... M counseling is great to help a marriage, and two people need the tools to work together.

But when an individual makes a personal choice to betray someone they have committed to for years....well that individual needs to learn the tools to affair proof their own relationship with others.

Your old lady is broken, she needs help, see needs to fix her self then figure out how to fix a relationship with someone else (you)....

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 8:57 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

There are a few things that helped me almost 9 years ago.

1) have the confidence to let her go.

2) make her chase me.

3) expose the A.

4) setting boundaries.

5) establishing consequences.

6) I needed a time line and details of the cheating...but that's just me.

See bad behavior continues with out consequences.

So when you DNA the kids and question the father of a mothers kids...it hits home for them...seriously.

The STD test also sucks for the wayward to go through.

No more girls nights out....well that just might be a deal breaker for some waywards and they just might bail anyway on that one alone.

Your old lady is either remorseful or she isn't....lets find out now before you get played the fool by keeping her around. She can either except the protection you have to offer to affair proof the marriage or she won't. Let her make the choice to be single or not.

All of the above. But don't believe a word she says. They'll say anything they think you want to hear at this point, but it's actions that count, so make sure she can verify everything she's telling you from now on. Such as locations, meetings, etc. She might say she wants to stop, but the A is ingrained, exciting behaviour. V unlikely she'll just stop dead. Exposing it to everyone necessary would help to keep it in check - you may also discover who knew and didn't tell you. Drop them.

Tell her what you need from her, but don't be responsible for making her do it. She needs to make the effort. Tbh, if you're financially independent, I'd seriously think about D, 9 months is a long time to deceive you. Can you ever trust her again? (It sounds like you found out yourself rather than her ending it and coming clean. )

Blue-

First, I am sorry, really I am. This sucks, it's painful, it is the worst type of pain you might every experience.

Second-- Do NOT-NOT-NOT- feel dumb, stupid, or humiliated. OF course you would not see this coming, you trusted her. You BELIEVED it was you and her- the both of you, in a happy successful marriage.

Third and last--- Listen to these people! Do what they say, they are experienced, they know, they have been here long enough to know for absolute what will work.

Okay, one more--- again, I'm sorry and I wish I would have listened. Please, stick around, these people are amazing. More trustworthy than our WW spouses.

xo

I'm sorry that you're here, she's been having a boyfriend for 9 months and claims she didn't have sex, if you believe that I have a bottle of magic air I want to sell you.

She says she won't talk to him or see him and is wants to go to counseling to try to make things work.

Oh how nice of her, now she says she won't talk to him or see him, tell her that was what she was supposed to do in the first place, but instead she CHOSE to cheat and betray you and the family. Workplace A's are notorious for "lunch quickies" and BJ's and/or makeout sessions in the car or at a nearby motel, just tell her she's got 30 seconds to come clean, otherwise you will be filing for D the next day. Here's a few of the basics:

1) She needs to end the A, just because you found out, doesn't mean it will end on its own, if they work together, one of them needs to quit. She needs to send him an NC FOREVER letter that you approve of and watch her hit send, (no sweet goodbyes), if any of her friends or family knew about it, they're not friends of the M and need to go too.

2) Inform OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) without warning, also EXPOSE her A with ALL family and close friends, she needs to apologize to them too for her huge betrayal, again do not tell her you're doing this, just do it, she needs to feel the embarrassment and remember the A as the one thing that damaged her reputation and integrity and not remember it as something "beautiful and romantic", the more she hates the A, the more she will hate her AP, the less likely she will be to cheat again in the future.

3) This was not your fault, problems in the M you own 50/50, her A was 100% her decision and choice, she literally lied to you thousands of times to keep it a secret and carry it out, she took precious time away from you and the family, you will have some tainted memories of it forever.

4) Consult an attorney to know your legal options and see what D looks like, at a minimum have him draw up a postnup in your favor and demand she signs it as a condition to try to R, if R fails and/or she cheats again she doesn't get alimony/spousal support and won't touch your retirement.

5) Demand she gets tested for STDs, you should too, some STDs can even be transmited via saliva (kissing).

6) Demand she gives you a complete timeline of the A with all the details, if you are to forgive you should know what you're forgiving.

7) She needs to agree to full on demand access to her phone and all her electronic devices and passwords, no questions asked.

8) Demand she goes to IC with someone who specializesin infidelity (very important), MC is typically a waste of time and money right now, she needs to find out her "whys" and deal with her own issues first.

9) She needs to show true remorse (not just regret), you cannot R with an unremorseful spouse.

10) Demand she takes a polygraph, remember she's now a proven cheater and a liar and this may not be her first rodeo.

11) Don't believe anything she says and watch her actions, did I mention cheaters lie and trickle truth ? She's in self preservation mode and probably wants to rugsweep the whole thing.

Also know that this may be a deal-breaker for you and that's OK too, cheaters are not entitled to a 2nd chance, they CHOSE to break the M vows, don't let her tell you this was "a mistake", she made thousands of conscious decionns to betray you for 9 months (that you know of), she willingly cheated on you.

Keep posting, this is a crucial time, we've seen this play out literally thousands of times here and other websites, the collective wisdome of SI can help you navigate this awful situation.

The first thing you should do is see a good attorney and file for divorce. Have her served and make her face the very real prospect of losing her meal ticket.

Understand 1 thing clearly-

She is a liar who will continue to lie as long as she feels there is value to it.

You know enough to know that she had sex with him. Adults don't just hold hands. They have sex. As long as she denies it, she is lying.

Lies are disrespect. She disrespects you because she has no fear. She doesn't fear losing you because she doesn't love you. She may love the life you giver her, the value you add to her lifestyle, and the status you bring as her husband...but those are things...not you.

She showed what she loves and who she values. She made a conscious choice to demonstrate the value of the OM over you via her actions. She made this choice thousands of times, every lie, every secret call, every day.

Nothing says NO MORE like a set of Divorce Papers, served at her work, by a process server that says out loud "Mrs. X, you are being sued for divorce in X court on the grounds of adultery based on your affair with Mr. Y, sign here."

Blow it up to the world. Affairs thrive in secret. Tell everyone involved...families, his spouse, your kids, your friends, everyone. Tell the whole story in detail. Document everything. Tell your pastor and your church.

Demand she move out NOW.

DNA test any kids. Make sure the kids know why you are doing it.

Close all joint accounts.

VAR...

If she wants to talk, refuse unless she presents a full and truthful timeline of the A with R rated details. No timeline...NO TALK.

From there, you have your power back and can drive the ship that is your life.

Good luck.

2 quick things:

- you can't reconcile until you get the truth, otherwise your R is nothing but your head spinning with thoughts of what they might have done. Demand a polygraph

- MC is worthless right now. She needs IC

BB. I was in your shoes during the 25th year of my marriage. My H had a typical mid life crisis Affair which he admitted to me on DDay 1 but downplayed it.

Then 10 days later I get the ILYBNILWY (I love you but not in love with you speech). Then he wants a Divorce. I did not know about SI and I had to figure this out on my own.

You have received great advice. What I didn’t know or understand at the time is that his mid life crisis Affair was like an addiction. Hours on the phone blah blah blah. Stupid emails to the OW and all that crap. He acted like a stupid silly teenager in love

He ended it. Says he wants to work on the marriage. Except he did nothing. He refused to discuss it. Refused counseling. Acted arrogant. Was mean and nasty.

And blamed me for his unhappiness- typical cheater behavior.

Six months later on DDay2 I found out while I think we are Reconciling he resumed the Affair and was still cheating. It’s called false reconciliation- very common. Like I said I had no idea about SI forum so I am on my own.

My smart move was to get plan B in place. Just in case. So I quietly hoarded $. Changed life insurance policies to prevent him from changing beneficiaries to anyone other than me/children. Had an exit plan if necessary.

He viewed Me as standing in the way of his happiness. He viewed me as a doormat. He completely underestimated me.

On DDay2 the yiu know what hit the fan. I had to call the OW who spilled the beans. She told me the Affair had resumed. So when my H walked in the door earlier that day and demanded a D it was not b/c he didn’t want to be married any longer but it was to be with the OW.

I was done! Very calmly and rationally I told him “I am Divorcing you. I’m sorry it has come to this but I no longer have anything left to give to this marriage due to your infidelity. You are free to go and be with the OW or anyone else you choose.” And I left the room.

It was not a discussion. It was a statement of fact. I then instituted the hard 180.

That one move restored my power and control in my life and my sent esteem. I believed his crap that his Affair was my fault. When in fact it was his choice.

We have reconciled. Very different marriage. I’m no longer a doormat. And he knows it.

BTW I also have a post nup. That was my first demand to even consider reconciling. I am financially protected. So are my kids.

My point is that you can reconcile. But the cheater views you as the enemy right now. They blame the Betrayed spouse for all of it. You are viewed as weak and as standing in their way of true love.

The second I set my H free - he was begging me to R. And after DDay2 he did everything necessary to R. He was remorseful. He was truly sorry. Complete opposite of his attitude at DDay1. My deciding to no longer be a doormat was my turning point. With or without him.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:09 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

Man, so sorry you are going through this. She has to end it officially. A No Contact letter or email needs to be sent. She writes it, you approve it before being sent. She needs to become transparent with all her stuff: phone, email, social media. She needs to tell you everything that happen, including writing a timeline of the affair. But most important. Dont let her rug sweep this affair. Make sure you fight for the truth on what happened. If that guy is married tell their spouse. It might be wise to inform important people in your life. Exposure is destroy an affair.

BlueBill, sorry you find yourself here.

I always thought this happened to "other" couples

Each of us thought we had something special and were immune to this sort of thing.

and is wants to go to counseling to try to make things work

Does she say this as she doubts you still want her or is she trying to figure out if she still wants you?

Let me tell you from personal experience, there are woman that will be faithful their entire life. You are not stuck in this situation. She had what she wanted and now it is time for you to put yourself first.

Hey Bill,

First of all, this isn't your fault. Cheating is never a reasonable action to take, no matter how things are going in a marriage. She chose it because she is a cheater. It is not your shame, it is hers.

I am of the mind that you shouldn't have to tell your liar to do anything. Just tell her that you will watch what she DOES to prove that she deserves you (never mind what she SAYS, she's a liar - that's a stone-cold fact).

There are rules to whether she DOES enough to win you back... but they are your rules... and she doesn't get to know what they are.

Decide for yourself what you need to see, but my advice is, don't tell her what to do. She has the internet just like you... the answers are out there, and if she's smart enough to have an affair, she's smart enough to find out what gives her the best chance of winning you back.

Winning YOU back. YOU are the one worth winning back, here, buddy.

She should be able to figure out that she should give you full access to her life (passwords, phone, etc.), a full account of where she is all of the time, a commitment that she will have ZERO contact with him, an STD test, and will answer ANY and ALL questions you may have - no matter how many times you must ask (believe me, you will want to ask some things many times).

Right now, it's all about you, Bill. Tell her to give you all the space you need. Take care of yourself. Remember to drink lots of water, but no alcohol - it doesn't help at all. Eat healthy, nutrient-rich food. Exercise... a lot... it keeps the demons at bay.

Do you have kids at home?

Sorry you find yourself in this situation.

First - if they were seeing each other while you were out of town....they had sex.

Second - if she contacted him on your vacation, she is really emotionally involved with him to the point where she can not be out of contact for very long.

Third - She will continue to lie. Unless she quits her job, she will remain in contact only they will make more of an effort to hide it from you. Stop using phones. Just talk and make plans face-to-face. Where you can prove nothing.

Regardless of what she says, she had a physical affair with this guy. If she will admit nothing (not really unusual) suggest a polygraph. Just tell her you do not believe her and have to know for sure what went on before you decide your next step. Her react to that will tell you much. Some cheaters gladly accept it then confess a little more then a little more as the time for the test draws near.

Sorry to hear about your situation Blue.

Firstly know that cheaters lie. Then they lie more. And then they lie even more. If she was in the physical presence of the other man, she made out with him and he her, she felt him up and he her, and she had sex with him. She's not going to admit it freely or easily because she knows that you might dump her. They all tell the same lie, "we almost did but then we stopped." It's total bullshit. If they met up, they hooked up. There's no other reason to meet up. And if they met up multiple times, they hooked up multiple times. That's reality and I'm sorry about it.

Secondly, you should consult with a divorce lawyer even if you're not planning on divorce. Educating yourself on your options, especially the nuclear one is never a mistake. The more information you have, the better decisions you can make.

Thirdly, you should AT MINIMUM have your divorce lawyer draw up a post-nuptial agreement where everything is spelled out as far as division of the marital assets and you getting what you want if you decided to divorce her later. The point of this is two-fold. One, it establishes a divorce settlement before any action is taken so you and she know what divorce is going to look like and two, it shocks her into the reality that you're damn serious about her behavior and you're not going to put up with it.

Fourth, you should change your beneficiary and your Will. If she's your beneficiary and/or in your Will, you should determine if you still want her to receive your death benefits. There's no better time to evaluate this than now. You might as well update or establish your living will so you have the say if you become incapacitated for any reason.

Fifth, realize that she's not the person you thought she was. You thought you were different from other couples because you thought she was different. Now you know that she's not different and you know that she can, has, and will betray you given the right circumstances. It's important to your mental health to come to grips with who and what she is and to determine what you want your future to look like.

Use this site and other's experiences to educate yourself on infidelity. You'll find that cheaters all follow the same patterns. Your wife is doing and saying all the standard things that cheaters do and say. She's not different than any other cheater and your situation is not unique though you may want to think that it is.

Your marriage and relationship is not what you thought it was and it never will be again. There may always be doubts. Is that something that you can live with? Aside from the post-nuptial agreement, there's no need to make any rash decisions. There is need however to evaluate your situation and your relationship and determine what your wife needs to do to fix what she's broken, if it can be fixed. You also need to take time to determine if you want to continue on with this newly proven unfaithful woman.

Most importantly (aside from the post-nuptial) remember that you are the prize. You are now the most important person in your relationship. In every decision, choose those things that are best for your future finances, happiness, and health. Your wife chose her path, now it's your turn to choose yours. Always do what's best for you. If you want to allow her to tag along, that's fine, but make sure you're pursuing your own best interests regardless of what she says or wants. She gave up her say in your life by breaking her vows to you for the attention of another man. You have no further obligation to her.

Take care of yourself. Exercise, eat healthy, and pursue what makes you happy. I wish the best for you.