"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

wdizz posted 5/12/2019 17:37 PM

This all happened within a two week period - my partner (married for 2 years together for 9) cheated on me on a business trip in NYC.

He told me last week, Monday morning 3 days after it happened.

I told him we would work through it. We immediately got into couples counseling. I already see my own therapist and got some extra appointments booked. I was in shock the entire week.

On Friday, he left for a week and a half vacation to Costa Rica with his family.

I was here alone (I'm in school and had midterms) left to deal with this betrayal and pain without him. I was on an emotional roller coaster (I'm sure you all relate) and didn't have him here to see his remorse or see that it's affecting him.

Anyway, the next (last) Friday, his dad was found dead by a neighbor. He had died unexpectedly.

Our focus has immediately turned to that.

We have our couples appointment in a few days so we should be fine. I guess more than anything, I needed to vent and this sucks.

goalong posted 5/12/2019 18:19 PM

Sorry that you have to face this. Looks like your husband does not care much about any one but his own immoral needs. Stay stern otherwise he will take you for granted. Remember the saying that one need to act like ending the marriage to save it. Stay focus on you and the kids and other things like job. Though it is hard keep your mind strong otherwise you are the one who suffers. Assume your WH does not have his best interest in you or the family. Confide in someone who care about you. It helps especially if you feel sad and depressed

Charity411 posted 5/12/2019 18:38 PM

Wow. I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. What a nightmare.

Right now focus on taking care of you. I realize you probably want to support you husband in his time of loss, but don't put that pressure on yourself. And don't worry about whatever anyone else in his family thinks about it, even if they don't know. You know. That's what's important. You need to remember that days after telling you he went on vacation. He didn't stay to give you support through his betrayal.

I'm sorry for your loss too.

The1stWife posted 5/12/2019 19:44 PM

I too had DDay2 and a very unexpected death in days of each other. I understand how you feel being hit on so many emotional levels.

Honestly - you can only do so much. You need to be your number one priority right now. And do your best to support your H but you cannot take all of it on right now. You are not in the best place and HE needs to step up.

So sorry for both of the things happening.

wdizz posted 5/12/2019 21:00 PM

Thank you guys for your replies! I can't help myself, I'm a natural caregiver, and am just tabeling the conversation till he gets back from vacation and until we get to therapy. Good or bad idea?

Charity411 posted 5/12/2019 21:34 PM

Whether or not it's a good or bad idea depends on the motivation. If it's good for you right now, it's a good idea. If it's about protecting him, not so much. Only you know the answer to that.

That being said, I wouldn't wait until a formal MC session to bring the subject up. I mean, really??? I'd be wantin to kick his ass. How can you possibly wait until you have an appointment? If you can do that, I want to know how you do it, because I could use that dealing with my job.

heartbroken_kk posted 5/12/2019 21:57 PM

I really would just focus on your own therapy. It's WAY TOO SOON for couple's therapy. YOUR focus doesn't have to be about his dad's death. With him cheating on you and then bailing to go on a family vacation, he just shot himself in the foot getting care and support from you during the aftermath of his fathers death. Too bad, so sad.

You do NOT have to be a caregiver. Being a caregiver is a choice. It's dangerous for you to put your own needs behind the needs of someone who does not reciprocate. It's basically codependent.

If you can, suggest he go spend time with his family and you can take the time to get even MORE used to not having him around as a partner. It may seem like it's going the wrong direction for your needs, but I suggest you read up on the 180 and learn what it is about. It's about focusing on you and not your partner. It's about attending to YOUR needs instead of his.

I strongly suggest you do not sleep with him! Get yourself down to your doctor and get a full STD panel. Talk to your doctor about what happened. If you are feeling very anxious and/or depressed, some short term medication may help you feel more stable.

If you need to, double up on individual therapy, and go twice a week for a month or so to talk through all YOUR issues in confidence.

Couples therapy can wait until a month after the memorial, if you see him behaving in ways that make you think you can salvage anything.

Maddylynn posted 5/12/2019 23:00 PM

I am sorry you are going through this. I do have a question- Are you sure it was a family vacation?...

I would also doubt his remorse if he is going on vacations and leaving you behind...

The fact that he admitted the cheating to you could be a sign of guilt and remorse, but you need to take care of you now. Sit back and take a look at what you need and see how you can go about getting it. Once you have figured out that then you can turn to what you need to do as a couple. Good luck with everything.

Hurtmyheart posted 5/13/2019 01:33 AM

My mom and two brothers passed during all the turmoil I was going through with my WH. My WH did not support me at all while going through this. In fact, this is when his bad behavior was at his worse!

Please don't take lightly your WH cheating and then he went on vacation with his family! To me, his behavior of cheating and then going on vacation shows a lack of empathy.

Please don't plan to overcome this just yet, otherwise you are giving him an easy way out without having him work to repair the damage he did to the marriage and your broken heart.

I'm sure you are in shock over your WH infidelity and am in disbelief.

I am sorry the father died but your pain takes precedence. Your WH killed the marriage. Your marriage as you knew it has dead and gone. Your marriage will forever be changed. You will mourn for the next could be a lifetime over your WH betrayal.

Right now your most important concern in your life is you. Take care of your needs and your emotions the best way you know how.

I'm sorry your WH did this to you.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 12:47 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

Robert22205https posted 5/13/2019 12:02 PM

Don't jump into to R until you give yourself time (3-6 months) to distance yourself and make a calm rational decision. Your initial reaction is a defense mechanism based on denial and a desire to get your marriage back.

The man you married and your marriage are destroyed but you may decide to build a new marriage with this man.

Dismayed2012 posted 5/13/2019 12:19 PM

Counseling is a good move wdizz. And if you feel like it's better to talk things out there, then that sounds like a good plan. It would be good to get tested for STD's and for your partner to get tested also just in case.

Don't fully commit to R until you're sure that's where your partner's direction is. You want to see that he's truly committed to making up for what he's done. After you see his commitment to your marriage and you're sure that it's not just a temporary response, then commit yourselves to working through whatever underlying issues there are and to making your relationship strong again.

Remember too that you are the prize. You've been faithful. He should be trying to win you back, not you winning him. Take care of yourself.

Chaos posted 5/14/2019 13:41 PM

I found out my mom was seriously ill the same day as DDay1.

Sending you hugs and strength.

Petal19 posted 5/26/2019 10:32 AM

I’m almost in the same boat. This month I had my 5th failed IVF. Husband slept with an old co worker and his dad died 2 days ago. We have been together for 23 years. He says he just wanted to fuck another woman but that he regrets it and wants to be with me. He texted her and called her while I was out of the country and then went to her house to hang out. He wanted to prove he could handle it. He massaged her neck and feet but didn’t think that was wrong. Second day he went back and she jumped him and he couldn’t get it up. Third day he went over, screwed her and left. He slept with her on my pregnancy test day. How can he say he loves me? How can I ever trust him again?

ShutterHappy posted 5/26/2019 10:44 AM

Petal19,

I suggest you start a thread for you in JFO (seeing it’s your first post). The good people of SI will be able to help you

ShutterHappy posted 5/26/2019 10:51 AM

our couples appointment in a few days so we should be fine

His cheating is not a couple (or a marriage) issue. The blame is 100% on his side. He needs to go to IC to figure out why he’s willing to throw away is marriage, and hurt you just for his selfish reasons.

Until he figures this out, you will never feel safe in that relationship and you don’t want to live like that. You don’t want to give the gift of R until you see that he’s doing the work