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No Desire For A Relationship At All

LoveisCrazy posted 5/10/2019 10:04 AM

I'm 6 years out from my separation and almost 2 years out from my divorce. I have a bf who lives with me now but I just feel like I want ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with any person on a romantic level. It feels like a job...more like babysitting. I thought I was being selfish for a while and that I could "fake it until I made it" with my bf, but I have little to no tolerance for people in general. I'm at a loss on how to handle this relationship, mainly because he moved 1400 miles to be with me but also because of my guilt and emotional abuse from relationships (I accepted some mistreatment in this relationship also). I know I've got to figure this out because I can't go on like this.

ibonnie posted 5/10/2019 10:08 AM

You're not married, but co-habitating is a pretty serious level of commitment. Can you two go to marriage counseling?

Also, how long have you two beem dating? How long ago did he move in? And what were the circumstances? Did you ask him to move closer or in with you? Did he just keep bringing it up, and you never shot the idea down even when you were lukewarm about it? How much time did you spend together physically prior to this? And is it possible for him to get how own place/space where you live? Could you two maybe find a two family house to move in so you can have your own spaces but still be close?

LoveisCrazy posted 5/10/2019 10:24 AM

We've dated for 16 months long distance but talked continually since July 2017. I was never lukewarm about it, even when he admitted to dating someone locally AFTER we were official for 6 months. I think that's where my problem lies honestly and I say that as both a BS and a WS.I don't think I gave myself enough time to figure out if I'd truly be ok with someone bringing that to the table. I guess my priorities and expectations have changed with my experiences in life. He constantly brought up the idea of getting his own house before which now I would be very happy with but I don't think I would or could continue the relationship knowing that he went on three dates with someone else while dating me. I think you are right about finding him his own space. I knew him moving here was a big decision but you never really know someone until you live with them.

babypuke posted 5/19/2019 18:23 PM

Wot??? What did I just read? He dated another person BEHIND YOUR BACK while you were OFFICIAL? No wonder you want him out, also why did you let him move in in the first place, no trust = no relationship. Strength.

WhoTheBleep posted 5/20/2019 05:30 AM

Yup, agree with babypuke.

Just be honest. He's a big boy. He can handle it. He didn't care about your feelings when he cheated on you. You are certainly within your right to ask him to move out. the reason doesn't matter, although cheating and the pain it has caused you is a pretty darn good one. Heck I didn't leave my WH until 2 years after D-Day. And that was my husband. And I don't feel 1 ounce of guilt for it. You do what you need to do, and it sounds like you need to be alone and heal. And honestly that's the only way you will heal, on your own, building your own life.

shakentocore posted 5/20/2019 09:23 AM

Cut him loose.

Why did you feel the need to "fake it until you make it?" Are you afraid of being alone? Did your bf make you feel guilty for not being more invested in the relationship than you are?

His choice to move to be with you was HIS CHOICE.

People break up all the time, even married people. I agree, you don't have to "be over" the infidelity in your dating relationship.

Just because you were a WS doesn't mean that you deserve an unfaithful partner.

Please spend some time healing yourself.

EvenKeel posted 5/20/2019 12:17 PM

It is time to be true to YOU!

You want and need space. There is NOTHING wrong with that. You recognize what your body is telling you.

Will you want to co-habitate down the road with someone? Who knows. But you do not have to decide that now. Right now, all you need to know is this situation is not working for you and that is ok.

Time to be honest with him so HE can work on a transition. PP is right - he is a big boy. He will figure it out.

This relationship is not acceptable to you on many levels - so work on getting you to your own peaceful space.

You spent too much time faking it, just hoping it would change. Life is too short GF - it is time to honor you.

You got this and we are here (and hear) for ya.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 12:18 PM, May 20th (Monday)]

heartbroken_kk posted 5/24/2019 11:30 AM

Responding as someone who is 10 years out and living solo with no romantic relationship.

Gently, you need to align your behavior and words with your internal thoughts, feelings and beliefs. In other words, if you are living a lie, you have to stop it right now. That is not a pathway to happiness!

Please sit your BF down and say "this isn't working out the way I imagined it would" and explain what is bothering you and where your head is at. Encourage him to move towards getting his own place to live. Just because he moved long distance to be with you does not mean you have to continue the relationship! It just doesn't. His choice to give it a try doesn't bind you to a lifetime with him. You are allowed to break up with him. You are NOT MARRIED.

You say "as both a BS and a WS" which makes me think you are describing yourself as a mad hatter, is that correct? If so, then you need to work on the part of you that has poor boundaries and weak integrity.

Being a healthy partner in a relationship means you have to be honest, open, and transparent. You can't hold back important information. You can't have secret feelings that this relationship isn't working for you, and not express them. The guilt you are feeling is because you are behaving as if things are OK when you know they are not.

Live authentically. Speak your truth.

2married2quit posted 5/27/2019 12:26 PM

Look, I get it, you don't want to be alone. But why settle for 2nd best? If I went through all the trauma of divorce, why would I want to settle and better yet, jump into a relationship I don't even want.

I fell you, I have no desire for a relationship right now. I feel like it's work and I don't feel like doing work. Therefore, I just date for conversation and wine time, but that's as far as it goes.

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