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Coming to terms with reality

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Unwillingdoormat posted 5/9/2019 18:36 PM

Ok so Iíve had a lot of thoughts in the last few days to comprehend,
In 5 hours from now my and ww are going into a counseling session. Iíve have it in my head todayís the day when all cards go on the table, she has to be honest in the session and itís going to hurt us both.

I have a lot of anger and slot of questions.
Today she needs to prove to me and the Councelor that she has remorse and is willing to do anything to save whatís left of a broken family.

Iíve orgsnisef her mom to take kids for 2 nights.

What do I ask her in our session??

Unbroken78 posted 5/9/2019 18:44 PM

Ask for the full timeline (R rated version)

What sex acts she did with him and which ones did she deny you.

Full access to all of the texts and e-mails with no deletions ever.

She should read them outloud to you.

Any photos they exchanged.

Where they met and who knew.

How she paid for it.

Other affairs.

Polygraph her.

STD tests and full medical workup.

DNA test any kids.

Post Nump agreement.

List of what accounts and #s she used to talk to him.

List of any forums/websites she used to hook up.

She must tell the other spouse.

She must tell her family and yours.

That's a start.

GoldenR posted 5/9/2019 18:58 PM

Tell her you want a polygraph so that way you can ensure you're not her backup plan.

Butforthegrace posted 5/9/2019 19:12 PM

What is her plan for helping you heal?

The1stWife posted 5/9/2019 19:41 PM

What boundaries is she willing to commit to?

Free access to her phone & electronics & all social media accounts for you

No opening up any new email or social media accounts

Tracking or location app on her phone

Complete transparency

Stevesn posted 5/9/2019 19:50 PM

Ask her what she wants her life to look like the next 1-2-5-10-20-40 years.

And when she tells you, and if she says she sees it being you and her connected and in love, ask her why, if that wasnít good enough before, why is it what she wants now.

And if she has a good answer to that ask her what sheís willing to do to make it happen.

If instead she says she wants to be on her own, then MC should end and you should start your own IC immediately to work thru the pain of her leaving.

Good luck.

dancin-gal posted 5/9/2019 21:24 PM

There are some good books to read to help you thru the rough time right now .. go to the Library .. books by Peggy Vaughn and Janice Abraham Springs . Will help .. just finished . ďTorn Asunder ď ..
You can heal and get thru this .. we are also listening to Marriage Max .. it is baby steps .:

RocketRaccoon posted 5/9/2019 22:24 PM

she has to be honest in the session

Sorry to say this, but I would not bet on this. She will still minimise and be defensive, and will probably let you know a bit more, but it is rare that a WS give 100% truth so fast.

This is not to say that your WS is not going to be one of those rare ones, but the probability is infinitesimally small.

Expect a lot of half-truths and TT over the coming weeks/months/years. She know she can get away with not telling you everything because you have already told her that you want to R, so she loses nothing by not telling you everything.

Don't set yourself up for more heartache by expecting the 100% truth. Sit back and observe, and dig some more.

Mene posted 5/10/2019 00:21 AM

Unless you have concrete proof, sheíll continue to lie and trickle truth. Thereís more to this. Always is. Youíll be on a rollercoaster for a while. Take care of yourself.

Edie posted 5/10/2019 02:38 AM

I agree with Odonna about your first post in this thread, Chamomile. A clear, calm and pragmatic appraisal and to do list. 😊

mchercheur posted 5/10/2019 08:39 AM


I am so sorry you find yourself here. You have already gotten some great advice from the others above.
This journey is going to take some time and nobody knows how it will end.
Although there are common themes, behaviors, and patterns in infidelity, each of us has our own specific situation and factors to consider.
I am bumping a post by Nomad Lady for you to read---it was one of the most helpful to me in figuring out what to do.
"Another Great Post for Newbies to read"

Also just wanted to say that I understand your hatred of POSOM and thoughts of revenge. Personally, I think that just revenge is complete exposure. You mentioned that POSOM is trying to make trouble for you----do you know that for a fact, or is it just something that your WW told you?
There has always been a lot of debate on this site re: whether to place all of the blame on our WS or to blame both WS and AP.
Personally, I have always felt that the AP is as much at fault as my WH.

Sending you strength.

Dismayed2012 posted 5/10/2019 09:35 AM

What GoldenR said. You should print his post out and read it over and over again as a reminder of what you're dealing with.

So because of your temporary distraction over a close family member's death you supposedly weren't feeding her what she decided that she wanted emotionally at a given moment in time. And because she's a narcissistic tramp and has no ability to feel your pain or care enough about you to weather the short storm, she immediately chooses to fall in love with and screw the proverbial 'guy from the gym'. Then she 'feels' used because she was 'in love' and was probably considering leaving you for him but he suddenly turned out to be the proverbial 'guy at the gym'. Then she lies to you over and over again while you're working on putting the puzzle pieces of her actions together.

I'm not hearing remorse here, only hearing regret from her over getting caught in addition to her feeling like she's the victim of the other man when she's solely the one who started this whole train wreck. I also wonder why the OM is talking to the authorities. Are you sure that your wife hasn't been secretly stalking him in the months after he dumped her? Could it be that she's being vengeful toward him? It wouldn't be unheard of especially if she'd planned an alternate future around him that included leaving you. You'll never know what they really discussed or what plans they made before being found out.

It's important that you wake up to the possibility that your wife is not only not innocent and not only the sole perpetrator here, but also that she might be capable of more serious behaviors that now have the other man on edge and that could be turned against you too. It sounds to me like she was in full branching mode with the other man. That leaves quite a painful mark on a schemer.

Will you ever fully know if you're plan B? No, you never will know nor can you ever know, no matter what she says or does. You have to come to the place mentally where the answer doesn't matter. Some get to that place through divorce and moving on, others get there by lowering the importance of the answer until it doesn't matter. Just don't be one of those who allow it to perpetually eat at them.

I wish the best for you. Remember that you are the prize. You are all you need to have a content future. Take care of the person who's most important here, that's you. By caring for and building yourself up, you build up everyone around you. Never forget this.

ChamomileTea posted 5/10/2019 11:17 AM

In 5 hours from now my and ww are going into a counseling session..

A quick word about marriage counseling... MC's are there to treat the marriage. But it wasn't your marriage which cheated on you. This is a choice, no.. hundreds of separate choices, to engage in deception and to indulge one's own rationalizations. The cheating is a dysfunction of the cheater. So, if MC can help you find ways to communicate, great. That's fine just as long as you don't allow any blame-shifting. Just remember that it's no substitute for the deep, psychological introspection a WS needs to do. Cheating is a character problem, not a marriage problem.

Chaos posted 5/10/2019 11:53 AM

You can ask whatever the bleep you want.

I'd go for a play by play about every single detail day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, word for word. [not that you will get it - but it is your right to ask for it and impress upon her that's the level of detail you want - if you want it].

Expect her to only admit to what you can prove - nothing else. Because she doesn't [yet] see the need to. I hope for your sake she comes clean. Sadly, I wouldn't expect it. [NOTE: I so wish truth serum were a thing]

And if OBS hasn't been informed- inform. And don't let her know you are doing it or that it has been done. She'll figure it out.

Marz posted 5/10/2019 12:27 PM

Beware of marriage councilors they aren't gods and many times are just rugsweepers.

If you don't like the way it's going. Get up and leave. They are on your $.

Get tough. She doesn't do the work you'll get this again.

False R's with multiple ddays happen.

[This message edited by Marz at 12:27 PM, May 10th (Friday)]

Unwillingdoormat posted 5/15/2019 18:43 PM

So to update whatís happened so far.
We went to marriage counciling last which was really good.
And she came clean, which I believe to be true as I have the proof which I gathered myself over time.
She then organized for us to do a 7 week marriage course which we went to last night.

But more importantly she spoke to both her parents and a close friend about everything that happened, her telling her dad was the biggest step as his best friend did the same to him, he has supported me through the whole event.

I now really understand what has happened, Evan so it takes to to tangle, I was approached by someone last week who told me out of the blue that my wife and I need to stay clear of the OM. I asked why and he informed me the OM has done the same thing to 2 other families and is a home wrecker, not knowing how he know our situation but he wouldnít tell me more.
This didnít make things better but it makes me angry.
I know now that my W gave him all the tools he neeeded to get into her head and bed.
I also have proof of this just by her actions alone,
I know for sure there not in contact nor is that something that might rise itís head.
Some people might disagree but my wife came across s real predator who knew exactly what he was doing, and is still looking for broken woman to fix his ego as his wife left him.
Ready his instrsgram post says it all.

Yes Iím angry with all parties.
But I am more angry now that this guy who is a school teacher says heís a good role model and awesome dad,
POS is more the point.

I still have to live in the same area as this person which is going to be hard but I at least walk with my head high.
Yet thereís nothing I can do that isnít going escalate things. Goto move on and itís going to be hard.

Thanks again all your opinions help.

Jimmy1962 posted 5/15/2019 19:35 PM

Dear Unwillingdoormat
You are member 70505 of this group that you now belong to. I am lucky number 59923. I have been a member of this wonderful group for 20 months now.
Let me tell you, time, time, time, is what helps.
My wife cheated on me. I was suicidal. I got some revenge on the piece of shit other man. I almost went to jail. But... The thing that has helped me the most is time.
Read on here and take what you like and ignore the rest. Your views will change over TIME and some of the remarks that you now find offending will make more sense to you later.
I am sorry that you are here.

survrus posted 5/15/2019 20:00 PM


So gather all your evidence and expose the OM, his parents, adult children, other family, school community, facebook, linkedin, church, etc.

Do it all at once and without warning or threats.

I don't see how you can live anywhere near this guy.

Hope your kids don't go to school with his kids or are on sports teams with them.

Butforthegrace posted 5/15/2019 20:07 PM

Some people might disagree but my wife came across s real predator who knew exactly what he was doing,

Everybody heals in his own way, at his own timetable. Of the KŁbler-Ross stages, sometimes the BH gets stuck in the denial phase. Often this occurs in connection with some degree of rug-sweeping.

That mental contortion you are performing right now -- my wife is an innocent kitten on the freeway who got swept up by an alpha predator -- that is exactly where you are, my friend.

My hope is that as time passes you find out how to move along out of this phase.

Buster123 posted 5/15/2019 20:55 PM

It doesn't matter if OM is a predator or not, all your WW had to do was to say NO and let you know about his advances if he persisted, what's going to happen when the next predator comes ? the OM didn't make vows to you, your WW did and broke them, she's not a teenager, she's a grown woman who knew exactly what she was doing, it's not that she was hypnotized before she had sex with him, she willingly took of her clothes to betray you, her A took a lot of planning and lies, yes the OM is a POS but there are many like him in the world, however it's ALWAYS your WW's job to remain faithful to you regardless of the situation. Good luck.

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