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So it's 10 years now.....

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TheBod posted 5/5/2019 21:01 PM

Hi All,

Just checking in--I'm not here much anymore, but I try to post something every anniversary of my Dday.

Long story short....

together with my WW for 10 years total

she cheated with multiple guys while we were supposedly trying to start a family

lots of lies about wanting to R, continued affairs

we divorced.

It was 10 years ago this month I found out and it was every bit as gut-wrenching and horrible as what I can read is going on these days with the people posting around here. Bad bad memories.

A lot has happened to me in the past 10 years. My outlook on life and work has changed. I think I am a lot calmer and I know I am a much better communicator. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin for once.

There have been some relationships that ended because I just was not healed and ready despite my trying to will the belief that I was into myself. I just didn't give myself enough time.

For the newbies here, read all that you can around here, there are people here who really care and will help. This place and the vets here probably saved my life 10 years ago when I was caught up in all of the emotion and panic of Dday. Take advice and pointers that may help specific to your situation. The things that apply to all of us are:

Take care of yourselves and your kids if there are any. Stay hydrated and nourished. Sleep. Exercise. Get a lawyer to protect yourself and your family. You'll be ok. Just have to take things one step one breath at a time. But it takes time.... a lot of it.

That's the key word. Time. You need it to sort through your emotions. You need it to heal. It took me 10 years of soul searching, 10 years of basically wandering and counseling but I've gotten to a point where I am truly neutral towards my XW and actually would like the chance to talk to her to forgive her and release her from whatever she may feel is still remaining from what happened and maybe holding her back so that she can just get on with the rest of her life. I think once I got to this point and this thought I figured I'm finally 100% pointed forward.

I'm engaged to get married again and the way I look at what happened is I no longer resent things or people. I see the affair as part of what I had to experience in my life to get to this point so that I would be ready for this wonderful person I lucked into.

Everyone.....please take care, and despite all of the bad that is happening to you currently believe and know that you will come out the other side intact and you'll get to rebuild your life into something great. Just take it slow and give yourself plenty of time and space.

Chili posted 5/5/2019 21:08 PM

Hey TheBod:

Good to "see" you. What a wise and heartfelt post. Thanks for popping on and sharing an update.

But above all - congratulations on the engagement - and for all of your successes in your 10-year journey!

heartbroken_kk posted 5/5/2019 22:10 PM

Good to see you again. I'm in the same cohort, but I've found peace as a solo person. Maybe someday I'll date again. I had a short rebound R but it wasn't a good fit. I'm just not looking right now. I feel healed. I wish I didn't have to go through all that BS but at least I'm not in a totally dysfunctional, life sucking false R.

Western posted 5/6/2019 07:58 AM

thanks for the insight, TheBod

Bladerunner2054 posted 5/6/2019 12:39 PM

Well said.

WhoTheBleep posted 5/6/2019 12:52 PM

Thank you for this, TheBod. And congratulations!

ibonnie posted 5/6/2019 13:36 PM

Thank you for coming back to share!

Looking back, is there any advice you got here that you wish you had listened to off the bat, but maybe didn't? Or one thing you did that you found very useful for moving forward/healing that wasn't suggested here?

TheBod posted 5/6/2019 14:42 PM

iBonnie,

I think the advice that was most useful in retrospect was all of the stuff that isn't exciting and doesn't sound like it will produce immediate results like:

sleep
eat
hydrate
lawyer up

That plus I really wish I would have just filed for D as soon as I found out, kicked her out and just started working on myself and if she came back, ok, then I would have a choice to make, but if not, I would have already started on the legal path to freedom. I wasted several months begging and pleading her to come back and wishing for my old life back when it was impossible in all of the emotion and panic to see that life was never going to be the same again no matter what. The extra betrayals and lies uncovered during all of the false R were more damaging to me than the original Dday.

I guess the piece of advice I wish I had had but I don't think is possible to get was how do I know I've moved on. I think it is different for everyone because all of our situations are unique, but it is just something that when you get there, it is pretty crystal clear. For me, it was feeling like I wanted to forgive my XW as I explained above. That told me I had let go of all of the anger and bitterness and even sorrow from what happened and was a whole human again, pointed 100% forward and away from the A. It wasn't easy to get here and I don't think there is any shortcut but it is worth everything that happened and everything I had to do.

To be honest I would go through all of this again 1000X if I knew how good things would be when I came out the other side.

[This message edited by TheBod at 2:45 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

Unbroken78 posted 5/6/2019 17:26 PM

How did it work out for your WW and her AP?

Chrysalis123 posted 5/7/2019 05:59 AM

What a great post. Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom.

TheBod posted 5/7/2019 08:07 AM

Unbroken78:

she ended up having a baby with one of her boyfriends. I think they were married but I know she is a single mom now.

paco2000 posted 5/7/2019 10:05 AM

Hi TheBod,
Glad you are doing great. I have a request, can you put the link to your post?

Thank you

TheBod posted 5/7/2019 10:30 AM

paco2000:

Do you mean my original post from Dday?

I'm not sure how to get there and I cannot find a search function on this site.

Maybe one of the Admins can help us?

sorry

WilliamM posted 5/7/2019 11:10 AM

Do you have any type of relationship with her now?

TheBod posted 5/7/2019 16:14 PM

WilliamM:

if you are referring to my XW: no. We do not talk. clean split.

JadedByItAll posted 5/7/2019 16:48 PM

if you are referring to my XW: no. We do not talk. clean split.

Just curious. Did she ever come groveling back after the divorce was finalized?

TheBod posted 5/7/2019 19:07 PM

Jaded:

no she didn't

The D was kind of ugly.

Where I live, you can't get D until you are 1 year physically separated so by that time, I had moved on and who knows where she was with things but I would not have taken her back after all of the lies.

JadedByItAll posted 5/7/2019 19:51 PM

I completely understand. I was just curious if she ever wised up and realized what she was throwing away.

no she didn't

And, there is my answer.

TheBod posted 5/7/2019 20:16 PM

Jaded:

Yeah back then I desperately wanted my marriage back and was prepared to take her back right up until I found out about the ongoing affairs during the months of false R.

Those were really desperate emotions and looking back they were misguided. She never was into R and all the signs were there but I just was clouded by my emotions and desperation into only wanting my marriage back even if it meant I was treated like an afterthought in the relationship.

It's as simple as this:

when someone tells you who they are, you should listen

[This message edited by TheBod at 8:16 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

Western posted 5/8/2019 19:14 PM

ok so how are you moving forward ?

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