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Delayed 180

rosie1 posted 5/3/2019 06:56 AM

So I ignored all the advice about doing the 180 straight after d day and now feel like my WS is getting off lightly. He is working hard, getting IC , reading lots, getting treatment for his depression and anxiety- but I can't help but feel that I am feeding those ego kibbles on a daily basils.

I.was reading the WS thread and a poster said that the bit of recovery they hated most was when his BS seemed to ignore him pretty much and just get on with her life without him. It made me think if I should do the same even at 6 months out. Or will this come naturally with TPOLF?

Any BS OUT there who started the 180 after a few months of ego kibbling? What was the effect and outcome for you?

Adaira posted 5/3/2019 06:58 AM

The 180 is for you. THE 180 IS FOR YOU. You are already setting yourself up to fail by hinting at it being a punishment for your wayward spouse AND concerning yourself with how they will react.

rosie1 posted 5/3/2019 07:03 AM

Good point Adaira

I feel like I'm doing better in myself now - not crying too much, able to enjoy things again, seeing friends and doing my own thing - so I don't know that I need to follow it for me. Maybe that's just me being so new to all this and not realising how damaged I have been.

Thank you for pointing that out....

NotTheManIwas posted 5/3/2019 07:14 AM

And keep in mind that there's a soft 180 versus a hard 180. Look in the Healing Library for the difference. My sense is that the "soft" might benefit your psyche.

The1stWife posted 5/3/2019 10:00 AM

Here is the dilemma.

You state things are going well and you see your H is doing everything possible to make amends.

Wouldn’t you want to encourage that?

I’m not saying you should praise him up and down - but if the goal is recovery and reconciliation then you should acknowledge his efforts and success.

I didn’t do the 180 at DDay1 but I didn’t let myself be treated like a doormat. Then at DDay2 I had no choice. It was the hard 180 b/c I was planning to D him - after six months of false reconciliation I had no other options. M

Your H has consequences- but they may be invisible. Maybe he doesn’t speak of his Shame or remorse. Maybe he is so embarrassed he doesn’t want to talk about it.

I made my H sign a post nuptial agreement as a requirement to even consider reconciliation. That was enough for me. I didn’t need to “punish” him or throw any more consequences at him.

That was enough for me.

sisoon posted 5/3/2019 11:10 AM

The essence of the 180 is minimizing communications with your WS. It assumes that contact with the WS damages the BS, which is true when the WS is not willing to do the work that's necessary for R and/or when the BS is co-dependent.

The essence of R is maximizing communications.

The 180 is not for you if you're in R or if you are working on your M.

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