"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

GraceLove posted 4/27/2019 09:41 AM

I've now been D for 5 months and seperated for almost 2 years.
And I'm so lonely recently.

I have much appreciated all the words of wisdom on this forum and have done a lot to help myself since Dday such as:

-overseas move back to my homeland
-therefore, leaving trauma house behind...no more sleeping in the bedroom/ bed of gloom and doom
-have new space that I decorated completely opposite to what 'our style' had been, and loving it
-reconnecting with old friends, family, and making new friends
-pursuing lots of interests, old and new: yoga, art, socializing, decorating, volunteering, and since moving back have gone out on 5 dates with a variety of men
-lots of therapy and group therapy
-reading, journaling, dancing, playing music, videos...essentially healing through the arts
-go to 2 different dance classes weekly
-currently organizing a study group for adults with dysfunctional families
-getting out into the outdoors whenever I can/ walks by the river
-self care and doing boundary work around my kids
-learning how to date

So what's the problem? I am still lonely and want a relationship.

I had just started dating someone before I moved and we are still in touch. It's not a committed relationship because of the distance and there are no expectations on either side. We just enjoy staying in touch.

Other than that, I have dated, and I don't get past the 1st date because well, I probably put out the vibe that I am not interested (all except 1 was I interested in). So the one I was interested in, we made it to date 2. And then nothing. I texted once, we texted for a bit and then nothing. Which is ok with me because I realized that I would definitely not want a long term relationship with him (he's into drugs and I'm not, and there were some other red flags). I did feel that I might want a short term relationship with him though, which is nuts because well, I'd end up breaking up with him as we are not on the same page on some of the more major stuff. And yet, I actually don't care about alot of that anymore...not sure why??

The other thing is this. I had married a supposed Christian. So now, I don't care if the guy is Christian or not (at least not at this point). I have gotten ALOT of flack from my kids, who found out I was dating. I didn't want them to know because it is none of their business (they are adult kids). And I need time to sort out what I want and what is important to me. My dates go something like this; is he a sociopath? narcissist? has he cheated? is he a sex addict? into porn? I'm hypervigilent and it's awful sometimes but I want to go in eyes wide open this time. So their faith becomes secondary.

My oldest daughter had a lot to say about me dating a non-Christian to the point where she wouldn't want my new partner (if he wasn't a Christian) to be near her baby (she's pregnant). I was so offended because my XWH has a new partner, who is a Christian and my kids have 'welcomed her into the family'. He's very manipulative and I feel sorry for his new squeeze. He only knows how to use people and he knew if he picked a Christian he'd have access to the kids because 'he's trying so hard'. All he did was get with a woman who is another version of me (albeit the old me)...empath, codependant, trusting etc. etc.

It makes me so mad that here I am trying to 'do things right' in terms of how I handled things in the divorce (not everything mind you!) but I could have gotten soooo nasty in the divorce because I knew of illegal stuff that he had done that would have brought him down. It was very tempting!!

And so after Dday, he gets up, goes to work, buys a brand new condo, gets a girlfriend and doesn't look back. He manages to completely shatter my life (and kids lives too) and well, I suppose I am just feeling really sorry for myself at the moment. I am not in a relationship. I hate online dating actually! I do it because it seems to be another option.

I have tried and am probably going to go back to kicking it up old school and date the way I feel comfortable which is meeting men in real life. I've been doing lots in this area initially and think that this might be the way to go again.

It just takes alot of energy and time. And, just for today, I feel that this whole thing was so f$%^-ing unfair. Not that I wanted to be with him. I didn't love him anymore and am NC which has been a beautiful healing thing. It just feels unfair that I have no one and am really wanting a relationship, probably if I'm being honest more for the physical side of things than anything.

I just feel so damn sad today and yesterday. So many things are going so well in every other area of my life. So why am I focussing on this? Not having a relationship? I wish I could stay positive but it is really making me sad! I feel that I have a lot to offer and that I have done so much work that I am ready to be in a relationship. I want my second chance.

[This message edited by GraceLove at 10:09 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]

WhoTheBleep posted 4/27/2019 11:40 AM

Just a quick bit of advice. Who the f*** cares what religion a person is? My WH used to walk around saying, "God sees everything!". All while fucking numerous women behind my back. Now he has shifter from Catholicism to Christianity (still don't know the difference. Jesus is my savior, too!) He volunteers every week at the church, met his poor girlfriend there, and donated over $10k to the church last year. When he's not doing that, he is NOT paying my child support, and is actively being a complete abusive ass to me and numerous other people. Vicious unprovoked verbal attacks, weekly, to me.

I get the loneliness. I'm going on 2 years separated as well. I'm finally dating. It's hard enough to find a decent man out there. Why limit yourself further by demanding he be Christian, all to keep up appearances with family. You are an adult. You've been through hell. You can make your own decisions.

And by the way, sex outside marriage is forbidden for Christians. Or are we talking "buffet Christianity." Take what is convenient and leave the rest. See what I mean? It's just not that important.

This is my opinion, obviously.

Try not to focus on him. My WH is in a new relationship. She carts my kids all over town to help him. I'm sure she's nice. Too nice. Poor her. Oh well!!

BearlyBreathing posted 4/27/2019 13:20 PM

GraceLove,

This is YOUR life. And you decide how you want to live it and with whom.
Boundaries for you are important, and you may need to share them with your adult children.
Explain gently what Christianity means to you— if it has as much to do with character and walking the talk than it does to which religious label a person wears — then kindly tell them that. Do they know the whole story of their dad’s behavior? Do they know of his very un-Christian history? They should know the truth so they don’t have him on a pedestal he should not be on.

Tell them you are
a) dating, not marrying, these men to help you define what you want in a partner
b) looking for a person who is honest, trustworthy and trusting, kind and truthful. Who embodies what Christianity means to you
C) If you didn’t tell them who to date or marry, ask them gently to offer you the same respect.

I know they are your kids but this is YOUR life. You describe yourself as co-dependent with your ex— is that dynamic somewhat present with your kids? Something to explore in IC....

I wish you well- you deserve much. (And congrats on getting out in to the dating world! That takes bravery!)

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 2:04 PM, April 27th, 2019 (Saturday)]

Furious1 posted 4/27/2019 13:47 PM

GraceLove, I am so sorry that you are hurting. From what I have heard from many people, online dating is brutal. I am a fan of surround yourself with people who share your values while doing things that truly interest you. When you do, you will find someone when it is right for you.

It sounds like your DD has the mistaken belief that she has a right to step all of your rights when it comes to who you choose to date or be around. While I understand that she gets to choose who will be around her child once it is born, I find her rudeness in violating your sole decision making power quite bullying and disturbing. After spending a lifetime with people around me telling me how to live my life, I place a very high priority on living life on my terms. For me, I would stop sharing with them what criteria you are using to select potential dates. It's really none of your children's business. Sure, they don't have to like it or go around them, but they don't get a say in it either way. Unless they are paying your bills in life, I'd tell them to butt out of your business.

F1

GraceLove posted 4/27/2019 17:29 PM

Barely Breathing:

Boundaries for you are important, and you may need to share them with your adult children.

I had purposely not told either of my kids that I was dating. I needed to not have them give me any of their opinions while I sorted what this whole dating thing was about. And I felt I'm the mom, it's non of their business.

It just so happened that my phone rang when I was at my daughter's place and when she asked who it was (she saw a male name come up), I told her someone I started dating...I didn't get a chance to say it was 1 date or anything. Her very quick questions...how did you meet? Is he a Christian? caught me off guard.

Explain gently what Christianity means to you— if it has as much to do with character and walking the talk than it does to which religious label a person wears — then kindly tell them that.

I have had to process lots and I need more time to explain this to her. It's tough because I'm the one that brought my kids into the fundamentalist/ evangelical Christian world. And I did try to explain to her some of what I think and what I am feeling. Especially the judgemental part. I felt she was being very judgemental.

Do they know the whole story of their dad’s behavior? Do they know of his very un-Christian history? They should know the truth so they don’t have him on a pedestal he should not be on.

Yes, they know of their dad's behaviour. And so she says that she is disappointed in my choice because her father, who was a supposed Christian, didn't act that way. She feels that I can make better choices now and be with someone of the same faith. It seems to me her line of thinking is that a Christian man who was walking the walk wouldn't of hurt you like dad did, so maybe you should date actual Christian men.

Tell them you are
a) dating, not marrying, these men to help you define what you want in a partner

I did mention this to her.

b) looking for a person who is honest, trustworthy and trusting, kind and truthful. Who embodies what Christianity means to you

Yes, I need to have more of a conversation around this, even though I feel very shut down at the moment. And I feel that I need to protect myself. And just not talk about any of this.

C) If you didn’t tell them who to date or marry, ask them gently to offer you the same respect.

Unfortunately, I did tell them who to date and marry. That it would be best if he was Christian...so it's hard for them to understand that this just doesn't seem to be a top priority any more. I think both of them are shocked that it's not a priority. I have tried to explain to them that the divorce has changed me but they don't want to know that I don't think. I'm their mom and they want me to be solid and stay consistent. And I can't. I need to be my authentic self. I can't pretend I haven't changed just for their convenience. I have. This thing has rocked me world, changed what I value and what I believe in.

I know they are your kids but this is YOUR life. You describe yourself as co-dependent with your ex— is that dynamic somewhat present with your kids? Something to explore in IC....

I have been in recovery for over 3 years for codependancy. I'm getting there and mostly with my kids I'm not but it still rears it's ugly head and I have to take some time to process. I can be a bit of a deer in headlights if I feel side swiped which I did.

I wish you well- you deserve much. (And congrats on getting out in to the dating world! That takes bravery!)

Thank you! It sure does. On the good days I can do it, on the bad days it seems so depressing.

GraceLove posted 4/27/2019 17:36 PM

Furious 1

GraceLove, I am so sorry that you are hurting.

Thank you:)

From what I have heard from many people, online dating is brutal. I am a fan of surround yourself with people who share your values while doing things that truly interest you. When you do, you will find someone when it is right for you.

It can be! I think I will need to try to do it the old fashioned way, or maybe both. I just know that it becomes a bit addictive and it really doesn't align with me if I am being honest with myself.

While I understand that she gets to choose who will be around her child once it is born, I find her rudeness in violating your sole decision making power quite bullying and disturbing.

I agree. She can be a bully and it is disturbing. She has a mental illness but I don't like to use that as an excuse for her bad behaviour. And because she had gotten so sick as a teenager, I usually back off. Which I really need to address. She just seems to bowl me over and it takes a longer and longer time for me to recover.

For me, I would stop sharing with them what criteria you are using to select potential dates. It's really none of your children's business.

Yes, I agree. I won't be sharing with them. Especially not my oldest. She is most difficult and comes from a place of fear and control. The younger one is not judgemental and makes it easier to talk to her.

GraceLove posted 4/27/2019 17:37 PM

Furious 1

GraceLove, I am so sorry that you are hurting.

Thank you:)

From what I have heard from many people, online dating is brutal. I am a fan of surround yourself with people who share your values while doing things that truly interest you. When you do, you will find someone when it is right for you.

It can be! I think I will need to try to do it the old fashioned way, or maybe both. I just know that it becomes a bit addictive and it really doesn't align with me if I am being honest with myself.

While I understand that she gets to choose who will be around her child once it is born, I find her rudeness in violating your sole decision making power quite bullying and disturbing.

I agree. She can be a bully and it is disturbing. She has a mental illness but I don't like to use that as an excuse for her bad behaviour. And because she had gotten so sick as a teenager, I usually back off. Which I really need to address. She just seems to bowl me over and it takes a longer and longer time for me to recover.

For me, I would stop sharing with them what criteria you are using to select potential dates. It's really none of your children's business.

Yes, I agree. I won't be sharing with them. Especially not my oldest. She is most difficult and comes from a place of fear and control. The younger one is not judgemental and makes it easier to talk to her.

[This message edited by GraceLove at 5:37 PM, April 27th (Saturday)]

WhoTheBleep posted 4/27/2019 19:38 PM

.

My dates go something like this; is he a sociopath? narcissist? has he cheated? is he a sex addict? into porn? I'm hypervigilent and it's awful sometimes but I want to go in eyes wide open this time. So their faith becomes secondary.

Sorry! I got so caught up in your DD's issue, I skimmed this too quickly. You are going about this the right way, GraceLove. Who are they as a person? Then worry about religion, if at all.

I have the same concerns as you. Although faith is nowhere near the top after my shame of a marriage.

GraceLove posted 4/27/2019 22:56 PM

WHo the Bleep:

Sorry! I got so caught up in your DD's issue, I skimmed this too quickly.

No problem:)

I have the same concerns as you. Although faith is nowhere near the top after my shame of a marriage.

It's hard to get out dating and trying to sess out all of these things isn't it?

I like the phrase "my shame of a marriage' It's funny in a way and yet, the shame would lie with them mostly. I suppose maybe the shame for the BS is staying too long or denial.

WhoTheBleep posted 4/28/2019 06:19 AM

That was actually supposed to read "sham" of a marriage. But shame kind of works, too, doesn't it? A crying shame.

demolishedinside posted 4/28/2019 07:19 AM

Gosh, I can imagine the thoughts that run through your mind. I’m not sure how we will know without living with someone if they watch porn or are a sex addict. I mean, that doesn’t usually come up on light conversation over dinner I used to joke in my early dating years that I needed a questionnaire. It’s a shame that never became popular. At this stage, I’d use it! Then again, we’d be looking for answers about things people would likely lie about anyways.

I understand your daughter hopes that by choosing a Christian man, you’d find someone who would have better morals. I used to really think that way. Then I started Christian counseling after dday. I was in group with at least six other women...women who were more religious than I was and all of their husbands had cheated. Their stories were what reminded me that people sometimes use religion as a cover. My WH’s group probably had at least 20 men, all sharing scriptures and all had cheated, some multiple times. It’s not a way of determining someone’s integrity, unfortunately. Focus on the actions of the men you date. What they talk about. How they treat you. I don’t know...I think this is all why I’m not going to be able to date for a very long time. I give you credit for dating and putting yourself out there.

GraceLove posted 4/28/2019 13:02 PM

Who the bleep;

Haha...yes shame and sham. Both work.

GraceLove posted 4/28/2019 13:14 PM

Demolishedinside

not sure how we will know without living with someone if they watch porn or are a sex addict. I mean, that doesn’t usually come up on light conversation over dinner

Oh..I just had a revelation...THAT'S why I don't get past the first date!

I'm kidding, sort of. I finally got to date 2 with a guy and actually did ask some hard questions (in a round about way, I thought)...needless to say, he vanished.

A questionnaire would work for me, but you're right, there's the lying factor.

Their stories were what reminded me that people sometimes use religion as a cover.

Yes. This. My X would ask me permission to text a woman bible verses! How pious...how noble...

My WH’s group probably had at least 20 men, all sharing scriptures and all had cheated, some multiple times. It’s not a way of determining someone’s integrity, unfortunately.

This is good to know. I was quite shocked when my psychologist told me that in any given marriage, 98% there is the cheater and the cheatee. I was shocked. I had no idea that infidelity was so high, mostly because it wouldn't occur to me to do it. To which he helped me see; stop viewing the world from my lens. I learned that not everyone has the same bottom line as me. And I shouldn't assume they do.

Focus on the actions of the men you date.

THat's my big take away. I never looked at XWH actions, only his words. He'd always know what to say or how to cover up.

I give you credit for dating and putting yourself out there.

Thank you. I have finally realized how courageous I am. People would tell me that and I couldn't see it. Until now. I am and I'm not. There are days like today where I just sit and cry about now my life worked out. Just having a pity party this morning. I know it's worked out super well in so many areas. I'm grieving though.