I've now been D for 5 months and seperated for almost 2 years.
And I'm so lonely recently.
I have much appreciated all the words of wisdom on this forum and have done a lot to help myself since Dday such as:
-overseas move back to my homeland
-therefore, leaving trauma house behind...no more sleeping in the bedroom/ bed of gloom and doom
-have new space that I decorated completely opposite to what 'our style' had been, and loving it
-reconnecting with old friends, family, and making new friends
-pursuing lots of interests, old and new: yoga, art, socializing, decorating, volunteering, and since moving back have gone out on 5 dates with a variety of men
-lots of therapy and group therapy
-reading, journaling, dancing, playing music, videos...essentially healing through the arts
-go to 2 different dance classes weekly
-currently organizing a study group for adults with dysfunctional families
-getting out into the outdoors whenever I can/ walks by the river
-self care and doing boundary work around my kids
-learning how to date
So what's the problem? I am still lonely and want a relationship.
I had just started dating someone before I moved and we are still in touch. It's not a committed relationship because of the distance and there are no expectations on either side. We just enjoy staying in touch.
Other than that, I have dated, and I don't get past the 1st date because well, I probably put out the vibe that I am not interested (all except 1 was I interested in). So the one I was interested in, we made it to date 2. And then nothing. I texted once, we texted for a bit and then nothing. Which is ok with me because I realized that I would definitely not want a long term relationship with him (he's into drugs and I'm not, and there were some other red flags). I did feel that I might want a short term relationship with him though, which is nuts because well, I'd end up breaking up with him as we are not on the same page on some of the more major stuff. And yet, I actually don't care about alot of that anymore...not sure why??
The other thing is this. I had married a supposed Christian. So now, I don't care if the guy is Christian or not (at least not at this point). I have gotten ALOT of flack from my kids, who found out I was dating. I didn't want them to know because it is none of their business (they are adult kids). And I need time to sort out what I want and what is important to me. My dates go something like this; is he a sociopath? narcissist? has he cheated? is he a sex addict? into porn? I'm hypervigilent and it's awful sometimes but I want to go in eyes wide open this time. So their faith becomes secondary.
My oldest daughter had a lot to say about me dating a non-Christian to the point where she wouldn't want my new partner (if he wasn't a Christian) to be near her baby (she's pregnant). I was so offended because my XWH has a new partner, who is a Christian and my kids have 'welcomed her into the family'. He's very manipulative and I feel sorry for his new squeeze. He only knows how to use people and he knew if he picked a Christian he'd have access to the kids because 'he's trying so hard'. All he did was get with a woman who is another version of me (albeit the old me)...empath, codependant, trusting etc. etc.
It makes me so mad that here I am trying to 'do things right' in terms of how I handled things in the divorce (not everything mind you!) but I could have gotten soooo nasty in the divorce because I knew of illegal stuff that he had done that would have brought him down. It was very tempting!!
And so after Dday, he gets up, goes to work, buys a brand new condo, gets a girlfriend and doesn't look back. He manages to completely shatter my life (and kids lives too) and well, I suppose I am just feeling really sorry for myself at the moment. I am not in a relationship. I hate online dating actually! I do it because it seems to be another option.
I have tried and am probably going to go back to kicking it up old school and date the way I feel comfortable which is meeting men in real life. I've been doing lots in this area initially and think that this might be the way to go again.
It just takes alot of energy and time. And, just for today, I feel that this whole thing was so f$%^-ing unfair. Not that I wanted to be with him. I didn't love him anymore and am NC which has been a beautiful healing thing. It just feels unfair that I have no one and am really wanting a relationship, probably if I'm being honest more for the physical side of things than anything.
I just feel so damn sad today and yesterday. So many things are going so well in every other area of my life. So why am I focussing on this? Not having a relationship? I wish I could stay positive but it is really making me sad! I feel that I have a lot to offer and that I have done so much work that I am ready to be in a relationship. I want my second chance.
[This message edited by GraceLove at 10:09 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]