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I didnít want to believe it...but here I am again

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ChamomileTea posted 4/29/2019 10:51 AM

I'm glad your parents are with you on this difficult day. Remember to breathe and release your stress through the breath. If you haven't already, consider taking up some meditation and/or yoga to help you keep that ulcer under control. I'm pretty awful at meditating, but I have better luck with it when I use an auditory method. For that, you close your eyes, and clear your thoughts by listening for sounds, reaching as far as you can with your ears. This allows me to relieve the anxiety enough to work the breath. Then, simple four-square breathing for a few breaths to recenter the mind and lower blood pressure.


tushnurse posted 4/29/2019 11:00 AM

Sending you strength, and reminding you to start taking a Proton Pump inhibitor (Nexium, Prevacid, Prilosed) first thing in the am 30 min before you eat or drink anything else. Use Zantac or Tagamet at bedtime, and gaviscon throughout the day for breakthrough pain and call your Dr if it doesn't improve in a few days.

Also talk to your Dr about possibly needing something for the stress and anxiety.

Lp0725 posted 4/30/2019 09:32 AM

I hope you are holding up ok. It sounds like you are seeing him for who he truly is now, rather than who you wished he could be. How did your appointment go yesterday? It's awesome you have your parents to lean on and get you through this.

Heartinpain posted 4/30/2019 15:54 PM

I am thankful everyday that my parents are here to support me. For those of you that have been through this alone, I canít imagine, but you are definitely incredibly strong people.

Meeting went pretty well. We are going to attempt a dissolution. The one thing that I was disappointed by was the fact that I canít prevent him from having kids around the OW.

Met with STBXH last night and he seems amenable to everything. We have to do several things to get our finances in order, and when that is all done, we will apply. I wanted so badly to appear strong and uncaring, but I broke down a few times. Iím not happy with myself for that. But I couldnít help it. Then, after we were done talking, he asked me if we could shake hands. Really? Wtf? Last week we were having sex and telling each other we loved each other. Tonight we are talking about ending an 18 year marriage, child custody and division of assets. And you want to shake hands?
Again there is peace in knowing that I will be out of infidelity soon, but still mourning for the loss of what I thought my life would be. Although, that life was probably gone years ago. I was just in denial about that.

Odonna posted 4/30/2019 16:06 PM

Did your lawyer talk to you about having a guardian ad litem appointed for the kids? Such a person is an advocate solely for the kids, and if he/she feels being around the OW is not good for their emotional stability at this point, a judge can order that for a period of time, to be reviewed down the road. Another poster got this done for her son. Look for the "Affair Baby Coming" thread, which may be on page 2 or 3 by now.

ChamomileTea posted 4/30/2019 17:19 PM

Then, after we were done talking, he asked me if we could shake hands. Really? Wtf? Last week we were having sex and telling each other we loved each other. Tonight we are talking about ending an 18 year marriage, child custody and division of assets. And you want to shake hands?

Of all the unmitigated gall?!! This guy really takes the cake.

I don't know if you're much of a potty-mouth (I could give lessons ), but sometimes you gotta look an asshole like that in the face, lower your voice to a raspy grind, and tell him to go fuck himself. Not the most helpful advice you'll get this week, I expect. But OTOH, sometimes these idiots just don't get it. In their sick, twisted fantasy, it all going to be happy families and best buddies after a short period of adjustment. They really are THAT disconnected from reality. So, if you've been biting your tongue, maybe let him have it at least once, just so he knows there's a line... because he sure as hell can't seem to find it for himself.

My 2 cents, and I don't know if it's right or not. Probably wiser to take the high road, but I think sometimes there's merit in slapping a hand when it has overreached.

Heartinpain posted 5/1/2019 13:38 PM

In my state, itís no fault and lawyer said that the courts donít want to get involved in legislating about AP. She said they willingly do it if there are extreme circumstances.
I can have quite a potty mouth when I want to. And believe me, there has been plenty Iíd like to say. But for me, through this whole process Id prefer to just keep it civil. Iím an over thinker and an obsessor, and I know if it gets ugly, I will keep thinking about it. This way, Iím civil and I just move on. Not to mention for the next 10 years, we will have to have a fair amount of contact because of the kids.
I think he wants to not feel like the bad guy. He knows what heís doing is wrong. And if I hug him or shake his hand, that makes him feel better about himself.
Do you know what he told his family? He told them that we had a bad week and I asked him to leave again....really? Fess up to the dirtbag you are!

ChamomileTea posted 5/1/2019 14:49 PM

Do you know what he told his family? He told them that we had a bad week and I asked him to leave again....really?

I wish I could say I'm surprised, but really, nothing your WH has done is without calculation. The typical plan is for the cheaters to act like they just started a romantic relationship after the separation/divorce, and if they can't make that fly, it's all about how they just couldn't get along with the BS and how mutual the decision to end the marriage was. The fallback, when nothing else works, is how crazy and bitter their ex is.

So yeah, your decision to take the high road is probably the best bet. Just don't let him turn you into his secret-keeper, because that will end up eating a hole right through you.

Heartinpain posted 5/1/2019 21:07 PM

I had to put my cat to sleep today. She was 18 1/2 years old. We got her the same year we got married. I suppose itís symbolic, death of a marriage and all. STBXH wanted to be there too. It was horrible, being there with her while she was passing, being emotional, and being with him. I started feeling nostalgic and down the rabbit hole I went. I hate that he still occupies my thoughts and emotions. I wish I could just wipe it out right now. Maybe someday, Iíll think differently, but right now, I wish I could erase. Ugh...time to go to bed, Iíve had enough of today. Hopefully tomorrow is better:)

ChamomileTea posted 5/2/2019 00:18 AM

I'm so sorry about your cat. I've had to be there for the end of life for so many of my feline friends. It's so difficult, even when we know we're doing the last kind thing we can do for them.

((big hugs))

Lp0725 posted 5/2/2019 08:00 AM

I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. Don't be hard on yourself for experiencing normal human emotions. You are handling all of this like a champ. I admire your strength.

IrishGirlVA posted 5/3/2019 10:22 AM

I am so very sorry about the loss of your beloved cat. :(

Maybe you can adopt a rescue cat and the both of you can start a new chapter in your lives together? That's also very symbolic. :)

Hugs to you.

tushnurse posted 5/3/2019 14:42 PM


I'm so sorry for the loss of your kitty. That is always such a hard thing to do.

I hope you are feeling better today.
It's ok to grieve what you have lost.
You can't take any shortcuts in this, feel the feels, and you will eventually feel better.

((((And strength))))

Heartinpain posted 5/3/2019 19:56 PM

Thanks everyone. Lucy was a sweet, vocal kitty that lived to the ripe old age of 18 1/2. I will definitely miss her. Itís tough to lose an old friend while youíre going through this too.

I feel like Iím on a roller coaster of emotion. There are times I feel relief that I donít have to deal with his lies anymore, but there are times Iím sad and angry. I talked to my boss today and told him whatís going on. And in some weird way, part of me felt like defending the dirt bag when he started calling him names. Whatís wrong with me? Is it 20 years of habit? Running to his rescue? Defending him? wtf?

Then I asked him to help out with kids tonight because Iím sick. He said he couldnít, because he ďhas plans.Ē Well we all know what that means. Why did that upset me? I shouldnít care now. Itís been going on while we we were together and now weíre not. So why should I care? Ugh...

But on the bright side, I went to a divorce support group last night. It was nice to be around other people that have gone through the same experiences I have. Everyone there had a spouse that had cheated. I never realized how prominent it was.

And can I share something with you guys? I know all of you will appreciate this and get a giggle out of it. Since my STBXH got out of the hospital, heís on a bevy of psych meds. Guess what the side effects are? You got it! Droopy little man! Am I a terrible person for getting a sick pleasure out of that? Take that OW....

Heartinpain posted 5/6/2019 10:29 AM

This weekend was awful. Started out with me being really sick on Friday. Asked STBXH to help with kids, he said no, because he had plans.
Then Saturday, he was supposed to take kids to a birthday party for our nephew (his side of the family). He didnít go to the party because he said my sister in law made her feelings about him obvious and he felt unwelcome. Well, imagine that, you lie to your wife and leave your family (multiple xís) and people have an opinion about it. But anyway he didnít go to the party, my in laws took the kids. Last week, I asked him if he wanted to keep the kids after the party so he could spend time with them, he agreed that heíd like that.
So what does he do? 2 hours after them coming home from the party, he left to be with his girlfriend. He stayed with her overnight and didnít come back the next day. Mind you, we are only 2 weeks out from D-day 3 and the kids learning that we are going to divorce.
My girls were upset when they came home, understandably. In all of this, the one thing I thought was that he loved and cared about his kids. Now at the beginning of this journey, he is already choosing her and her child over his own kids. My heart is broken for them. When I tried to talk to him about it, he hung up on me. What can I do to protect my kids from more hurt and disappointment?

ChamomileTea posted 5/6/2019 11:15 AM

You can't control what your STBX does. He's obviously checked out, both physically and mentally. So, your best course of action is probably going to be making plans which don't include him and to have a back-up plan any time he has a scheduled interaction with the kids. Rely on family and friends. And if the in-laws are willing to step up so the kids can attend events with extended family, let them.

I don't know about you, but I'm always honest with my kids. Most of the advice I've seen is to present the facts in an age-appropriate manner without editorializing. They've got eyes. They'll see that he's flaked and yeah... they're going to be disappointed by that. But kids are resilient, and as long as they have one sane, involved, trustworthy parent, they'll be okay. This is the part where you have faith in YOU. You are enough, and you can do this.


MamaDragon posted 5/6/2019 11:38 AM

You cannot control what your STBXH does or does not do with/for your kids. You can only control your own actions. Be there for your kids, possibly get them in counseling - it will help them, I promise.

Just remind them that you love them, you are there for them and if they ask questions about Dad - answer with the simplest and straight forward remark. Don't go into detail, don't talk bad about your STBXH - mainly bc he will show them what type of man he is. Kids know, we think they don't but they do. Even though they will continue to hope that Daddy will come back and be "Daddy". (it is why I suggest IC for them, they have a third party that is not invested)

One day your STBXH will realize that he has messed up his relationships with his kids (and you) and then it will be to late.

It sucks, It hurts and It makes you mad because he is hurting your babies...BUT they know that Mommy is there and THAT is all that matters.

(Keep a record of all the things he doesn't do - and things that he DOES do, either wrong or right. It will help in the divorce)

MamaDragon posted 5/6/2019 11:40 AM

oh and you can keep the OW away from your kids, talk to your least over night visits - I think it is called a morality clause. Basically if he has a female spending the night, they have to be married and since he isn't divorced yet - well it will make his seeing his side piece a bit more difficult.

Does his AP have kids? I can't remember

STLLOST posted 5/6/2019 12:02 PM

Good googly moogly this is so sad and unpleasantly familiar.

HIP the comments about your head and heart not being in the same place is something I've faced along with a lot of people in your situation. So please know you're not alone in your feelings.

(((HIP))) I am so sorry you are going through this. It's not fair to anyone.

tushnurse posted 5/6/2019 12:20 PM

HIP honey time to tap into some anger.

You need to get good and pissed off so that you can use that energy to get some stuff done.

1. Create a spreadsheet w/ the days he is supposed to have the kids, and everytime he refuses to get them, or leaves them w/ someone else document it.
It shows proof that he is irresponsible, and puts a larger burden of parenting on you.

2. Develop a calendar of his days, and stick to it. IF he can't take them when its his turn he doesn't get different days, unless your attorney tells you otherwise.

3. Get your kids in therapy. Their father is a jackass, and as 2 are teens they need someone other than mom to bounce this stuff off of. It hurts to see them upset, but give them some tools to get through it.

4. Remember you are strong, brave and fierce. Your life may not be what you want it to be right now, but it will get better. You will get through this, and come out the other side stronger and happy.

((((And Strength))))

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