Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

I didnít want to believe it...but here I am again

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7

Heartinpain posted 4/21/2019 08:14 AM

Let me preface this by saying I logically know this has to be the end. He has demonstrated time and again that he is a liar. But I am struggling greatly. I keep thinking about him, about us. I know I should be thinking about the lies, the hurt, ad the betrayal. But I keep thinking about the good things. The tender moments, the fun. I keep thinking about times with our kids, Easter mornings of the past. Itís like my mind is purposefully torturing me.
I donít feel strong enough to endure this. I know divorce is a long process. The prospect of facing everyday and knowing I will just be experiencing more pain is unbearable. I just want to stay in bed, where I feel sheltered from the world. Where I donít have to face anyone. Iím on an anti depressant and seeing a therapist, but it just doesnít seem like enough.

ChamomileTea posted 4/21/2019 08:54 AM

There's a technique you can find online called "square breathing" or "box breathing". Try and breathe through the panic whenever it hits. Find your center, a calm and peaceful visualization, and allow the sadness to pass. Remember that emotions are temporary things. They come and go, like leaves floating down a lazy stream. When sadness comes to visit, we notice it, breathe through it, find our center, and allow it to pass when its ready. It may be a frequent visitor, but like all other feelings, it is in motion, and it will pass if you allow it to.

If you're seeing your therapist infrequently, you might consider upping your visits for awhile in order to get some additional support. Maybe do a few sessions talking about strengthening your internal identity. We wear so many hats throughout our lifetimes, and especially in a long marriage, that we end up needing to bolster up a separate sense of Self when we've experienced a crisis. There's a book called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson which can help get you started. It will help you understand what's going on in your brain and in your body during trauma.

I remember shortly after my own DDay, a feeling like the path ahead had just fallen away, like it had slipped into an endless void and there was just nothing to grab hold of. But trust me, your future is still there. It's just hidden from your view in the panic of now. If you keep putting one foot ahead of the other, it WILL re-materialize in time.

((huge hugs))

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 8:58 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]

TimSC posted 4/21/2019 09:13 AM

Nostalgia is a powerful thing. Remembering the good times you had and understanding that they are done is heartbreaking.

You have to wrap your mind around the fact that this man is no longer the man you married and had children with. He is now another person entirely.
He is a liar and a cheater and he has walked out on his family.

This is your reality now thanks to him. Look forward, never back. You cannot change the past.

You first priority now is to take care of the kids and yourself. He has chosen your path for you.

redrock posted 4/21/2019 10:43 AM

HIP
Itís a form of self soothing to wrap yourself in the good memories and push away reality. It makes limbo easier and feeds the hopium.

You are not alone in trying this technique. First of all give yourself some credit. You didnít use these feelings to hang around in limbo while heís frolicking with OW. You kicked him out.

You donít have to reconcile the man that you loved with the self absorbed manipulative man of today. But for your own sanity you need to keep on being the strong one. Not for him(which is your routine) but for yourself and your children.

Youíve taken some positive steps. Keep doing so. Heís not a safe person to confide or share you feelings with. Draw some firm boundaries. Conversations are limited to kids and finances. Do not spend one more second being the sounding board for his self loathing and pain. Shut that down now.

Youíve shown him he can cake eat. Close the bakery once and for all It starts with one minute then one day and so on. You can do this.

The pain is real. I am so sorry. But so is the path through it. Take one step today. Sending hugs.

[This message edited by redrock at 1:17 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]

Heartinpain posted 4/22/2019 10:46 AM

I made an appointment with the lawyer for next Monday. So here we go. I am dealing with so many emotions. For those of you that have been through this, did you second guess yourselves? Logically ( in my brain) I know this is the only possible path, but my heart keeps interfering. Itís like my heart is telling my brain that Iím being too hasty. But then I just try to think about everything that he has done and get myself back on the path.
My kids talked to him last night. They asked him where he was staying and he told them grandpa and grandmas. I talked to my FIL this morning and he told me that he didnít stay there last night. More lies....
Thankfully my FIL is supportive of me. He said he knows that I have no choice in moving forward with divorce. And he said to call him if I need help with the kids. (His wife cheated on him years ago...so he knows the pain.)

The1stWife posted 4/22/2019 11:18 AM

Do not agonize over your to divorce b/c you were left with no choice unfortunately.

Once the process has started you may feel better b/c you are moving towards an end.

An end of no longer living with infidelity
An end of no longer having to live with a liar
An end of no longer worrying about him
An end of having him be your focus
An end of trying to fix a marriage where you are the only one who is trying to make things better

Heartinpain posted 4/23/2019 17:45 PM

Here I am 4 days past Dday #3. Sadness still permeates my thoughts. This is certainly not what I wanted for me or the kids. But I take comfort in knowing that I really did everything I could. I gave him everything I had and he threw it away.
After making this decision to divorce, I have experienced a freedom that I havenít felt with the other DDays. After the others, I still had hope that heíd come to his senses and weíd be able to work things out. This time, I know that's not happening and there is a freedom in that. A freedom knowing that I now longer have to wonder who heís talking to every time he looks at his phone, I no longer have to worry when heís not with me or at work, who heís with, I no longer have to worry about holding my feelings in for fear of his mental instability. I didnít realize how much of my thoughts he occupied, until I didn't have to think about him anymore. The A and my WHís behavior were in my thoughts 100% of the time, and now, heís not my problem anymore. I have realized that over the past several years, probably 5+, joy has been gone from my life and Iím ready to welcome it back:)

ChamomileTea posted 4/23/2019 19:45 PM

You sound a good bit stronger today. I'm glad to hear it. And you're right, you really did go above and beyond to give this guy a chance. It's tragic for him that he can't/won't pull away from this disastrous course he's on. But none of us can reconcile a marriage on our own. It has to be two, and BOTH must want it enough to put in the hard work. And you're also right that it's not fair to you and to your kids to allow this kind of chaos to continue. If I remember correctly, you're a teacher, so you know the importance of peace and stability in the home.

A good day today might be followed by a bad day tomorrow. You've been living this for months now, so I don't need to tell you that infidelity, R or D, is like emotional whiplash. But maybe the one constant you can focus on is turning your home into a haven of calm in a tumultuous world for you and your children. Imagine it becoming a place where each of you can breathe deep and relax your muscles into an unguarded stance the minute you walk through the door. You might not be able to control whatever goes on in the world outside, but your home, your haven, can become whatever you want it to be. And that too, is the freedom which comes with letting a disordered partner go. You're no longer constrained by his input or his drama.

Something to think about.

((hugs))

tushnurse posted 4/24/2019 07:13 AM

(((HIP)))

You know that what you have to do, and you are gaining strength, and will continue to do so as you build distance. You will get stronger, and stronger, and happiness and joy will return.

((((And Strength))))

Heartinpain posted 4/24/2019 20:19 PM

So tonight, my WH took my 2 girls, ages 11 and 8 to dinner. During dinner he FaceTimed the OW and her baby. Iím livid. Am I overreacting? I told him, itís one thing if they know she exists and youíre seeing her, itís another thing entirely for them to meet her and her baby over FaceTime. I told him I donít think thatís in their best interest right now. Wtf is wrong with him?
We are 5 days removed from Dday 3, where he lied to us all and told us he was going to the emergency room for blood in his stool, but really went to OWís house?
Iím so mad right now. I donít know what to do. And in discussing it with him over text, Iím assuming he turned his phone off, because my last text did not go through.

Tallgirl posted 4/24/2019 20:42 PM

I am sorry HIP. He is being an idiot. You will have to set clear rules when he is with the girls. They must feel terrible. It is new and he is being so overtly disrespectful.

You anger is totally justified.

redrock posted 4/24/2019 21:01 PM

That sucks. It puts the kids in a terrible situation. What an ass. Be firm, clear and document. Do not expect someone who has made the choices he has to be reasoned and circumspect.

What is hard to accept that someone who may have been a good dad before will do things that harm his kids to validate the story and perspective they are selling themselves and everyone else.

Itís amazing how quick they change stream. Rationalization, self delusion and selfishness is strong in this one. Iím sorry you are dealing with this.

ChamomileTea posted 4/24/2019 21:43 PM

Her baby? Who's the father? I remember you said the OW was divorced, but I don't remember reading any details about how long.

Regarding your WH introducing your children to his AP, you'll need to see an attorney and file. This can be part of your divorce agreement, but I don't think you'll be able to prevent it forever. I wouldn't hesitate to tell him he can't take the children until a parenting plan is in place though. He just got out of the hospital on a mental illness hold month before last, and clearly, his judgment is for shit. Meanwhile, get your kids into a therapists office and start building the case for a more structured transition to post-marital family life.

And on a side note... what an ass!!
I'm so angry for you right now. There just ought to be better laws and more protection to keep people from having to suffer from this kind of abuse.

I'm so sorry.

tushnurse posted 4/25/2019 07:14 AM

Oh honey you need to get a lawyer, like yesterday. You need to draw up an initial parenting plan, and you need to tell him this cannot happen yet.
Please also get your kids in therapy if you can. This is going to be hard for them to understand, and accept. They need a neutral 3rd party to discuss what is happening.

Heartinpain posted 4/25/2019 09:39 AM

Chamomile,
The baby is her husbandís. I have now found out that for some reason or another, they are not divorced, apparently separated. She is also apparently diagnosed as bipolar. And a my husbands best friend, that is a therapist, believes her to be borderline personality disorder. Whatever, I donít care. They can be broken together.

Tushnurse and chamomile,
Iím on it! I have an appointment with my lawyer on Monday morning. And a therapy appointment on Saturday. At my therapy appointment, I plan on asking my therapist about help for the kids.

In regards to his FaceTiming the OW and my kids,he said he would respect my wishes for now. He also asked if I would be upfront with him about my meeting with the lawyer and what I decide, since ďit directly affects him.Ē I just wanted to laugh...be upfront, huh? You want it from me, but what about you?

Heartinpain posted 4/25/2019 10:00 AM

Chamomile,
The baby is her husbandís. I have now found out that for some reason or another, they are not divorced, apparently separated. She is also apparently diagnosed as bipolar. And a my husbands best friend, that is a therapist, believes her to be borderline personality disorder. Whatever, I donít care. They can be broken together.

Tushnurse and chamomile,
Iím on it! I have an appointment with my lawyer on Monday morning. And a therapy appointment on Saturday. At my therapy appointment, I plan on asking my therapist about help for the kids.

In regards to his FaceTiming the OW and my kids,he said he would respect my wishes for now. He also asked if I would be upfront with him about my meeting with the lawyer and what I decide, since ďit directly affects him.Ē I just wanted to laugh...be upfront, huh? You want it from me, but what about you?

Heartinpain posted 4/27/2019 11:20 AM

I have never told anyone this. This isnít the first time my husband has cheated. Some years back, he was going through troubles at work and was off for a period of time. One day I came home, he was not there, and there was a card addressed to him from an address I didnít recognize. I know I shouldnít have, but I opened it. It was from a woman telling him how much she loved him and wanted to make him happy, because she knew he wasnít happy in his marriage. After confronting him about it, he claimed they were just ďfriendsĒ and that she misinterpreted his feelings. He said he was committed to me, and promised to go to marriage counseling. As far as I knew that was the end of it. But now I wonder, was it only an EA, or did it progress to a PA? Based on my current situation, he could have been lying the whole time. Ugh....

Therapist this morning. I am starting to realize that for almost 20 years, I have been married to a narcissistic man, that always made everything about him. Itís amazing how much perspective you get, when you step away.
I still love him, but I know now that I have been codependent and enabling. I know that I deserve more.

ChamomileTea posted 4/28/2019 10:46 AM

Damn right you deserve more. Believe me, I know how hard it is to not be taken in by crocodile tears and hang-dog expressions. We want so badly to be wrong. But in the face of hard evidence, we have to recognize our own inner co-dependent trying to pull the rose-colored glasses back on, because THAT is where our comfort zone has been.

You're doing the right thing. You and your children do deserve so much more. Everyone does. You aren't any exception to that rule.

((hugs))


oh... and remember that serial-cheating narcs have three channels: rage, charm, and self-pity. Learn to recognize them.

Edie posted 4/28/2019 16:14 PM

Therapist this morning. I am starting to realize that for almost 20 years, I have been married to a narcissistic man, that always made everything about him. Itís amazing how much perspective you get, when you step away.
I still love him, but I know now that I have been codependent and enabling. I know that I deserve more.


This waking up sounds great. 😊


I have realized that over the past several years, probably 5+, joy has been gone from my life and Iím ready to welcome it back:)

Iím so excited for you. This new life, not tiptoeing around that draining ego...but living for you, and the kids.

I do recommend visiting the NPD thread down in I Can Relate forum. Read everything you can about narcissism and codependency, it will stop you feeling any nostalgia. Sounds like youíre doing good work with your therapist. As well as supplementing that with reading, do try to get out, take up new activities, see friends, make new memories with the kids etc - basically, begin your new life and keep focusing on you.

eTA: Iíve just been down to I Can Relate to bump the NPD thread for you but it appears to be closed. Iím not sure why, maybe through lack of recent activity. Anyhow, if you have the time, the thread may be a useful read for you. The old thread had multiple useful resources and info listed, Iím not sure if thatís the case with this one.

[This message edited by Edie at 4:17 PM, April 28th (Sunday)]

Heartinpain posted 4/29/2019 07:30 AM

Lawyer appointment today. I am not looking forward to it. I guess it seems to just put finality on everything. It makes it all real.
Again, I know itís what has to happen, but I just doesnít make it any easier. Thankfully, my parents came down to go to the appointment with me. Both of them are very finance minded- mom is a CPA, Dad is a CFO, so honestly, Iíll let them figure all that out. They are happy to do it and Iím happy to let them.

Bad news...I was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer in fall of 2018 (same time A was in full swing) and now I think itís back. I have been having extreme abdominal pain. Itís so uncomfortable. Thank you WH, or maybe I should start calling him STBXH...

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

© 2002-2019 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy