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I didnít want to believe it...but here I am again

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Heartinpain posted 7/30/2019 07:35 AM

So OW talked to me because she thought that WH was lying to both of us (when he was still here) and wanted to clear the air. Iím guessing sheís having doubts....poor baby.
Anyway, I found out that STBXH told her that she wasnít the first person that he cheated on me with. When I confronted him, he denied it, surprise. She also told me that they did not meet on a depression blog as the asshole told me, but KIK. So SI friends, with your experience, should I assume he was looking? I did a bit of research and learned that it is frequently used for affairs, people just looking to sext... is that your experience?
As of now, Iím assuming thatís the case. So his story of meeting her on this blog and just falling for her is a lie. He was looking. He told her I was a terrible wife and mom, that I didnít care about him or his whereabouts. Meanwhile I was home worried sick and texting him to make sure he was ok. Lies, lies and more lies. And why does each piece of info continue to cut, to hurt? Iím ridding myself of this man and his lies. Why canít I just be content with that? There is this part of me that keeps overthinking, rehashing everything, wanting the truth from him. Truth I know that Iíll never get.

Fantayworld posted 7/30/2019 14:01 PM

There is this part of me that keeps overthinking, rehashing everything, wanting the truth from him. Truth I know that Iíll never get.

Unfortunately I'm still doing this and feeling this way too. And I'm divorced. Logically it shouldn't matter anymore. I keep telling myself that the truth would not change one thing about where I am now. How will knowing the truth change anything?

Try to focus on yourself and what you want.

He told her I was a terrible wife and mom, that I didnít care about him or his whereabouts. Meanwhile I was home worried sick and texting him to make sure he was ok. Lies, lies and more lies.

This was also my situation. So many nights I paced around, calling his phone frantically from worry while he was enjoying his sweet time with OW.

You deserve so much better. I understand that it still hurts. Your love for him was real. That's why learning more of the truth might just cut even more. Give more for your mind to obsess over. The lies are just too much, we will never get the full truth.

ChamomileTea posted 7/30/2019 15:36 PM

She also told me that they did not meet on a depression blog as the asshole told me, but KIK. So SI friends, with your experience, should I assume he was looking?

Yeah, I think you can safely assume he was looking. The whole purpose of Kik is anonymous messaging. From what I understand, there's no copies of messages kept on a server and people can change their accounts as much as they want. In a brief internet search, it appears that most of the traffic is sexting and drug-dealing.

The1stWife posted 7/30/2019 16:33 PM

Please stop asking him any questions. It only makes things worse. His lies add more pain to your life.

His actions show it is time to move in from him and his drama. Sorry to say. Heís on apps looking to cheat. Game over!

Hurtmyheart posted 8/3/2019 02:14 AM

I agree with ChamomileTea, curse him out next time you see him or talk to him. Show him there is a tough side to you he now gets to deal with. Maybe it's just from our perspective but you seem way too nice to your undeserving STBXWH. Take baby steps in detaching from him completely. He has already done so much emotional damage against you, your marriage and your kids.

I've noticed lately how much journaling has helped give me clarity in my life, you may want to give it a try.

sewardak posted 8/3/2019 07:24 AM

His actions show it is time to move in from him and his drama. Sorry to say. Heís on apps looking to cheat. Game over!

this!

AmIAnIdiot15 posted 8/3/2019 11:25 AM

Move on. You can do it. We're here for you.

AmIAnIdiot15 posted 8/3/2019 16:54 PM

I've just finished this thread. *hugs* to you HiP. I'm so excited for you to be finished with this, to move on, to not have to deal with him anymore. He's no longer your circus or your monkey!

sewardak posted 8/6/2019 07:00 AM

heart - how are you doing?

Heartinpain posted 8/6/2019 12:51 PM

Well, I am doing ok. Most days Iím doing well and thankful to have his drama and negativity out of my life. I am redoing my bedroom, which is keeping me busy. Iím excited about designing and redoing a room that is all my own.
This weekend we went to the banks to take care of some stuff. Itís unfathomable to me that this man that I had planned to spend the rest of my life with, now I can barely tolerate sitting next to. I made it through the first bank ok...as I got in my car, I started crying. The next bank was bad. I went in and only had to sign a few things. He had already done his part. As I was going through the process, I just broke down. The tellers were comforting me and asking if there was anything they could do to help.
I am an emotional person, but I hate having people see me that way. It makes me feel weak. The worst part was, I walked out to my car and there was STBXH talking to our son. I was so mad that he saw me crying. Ugh...
But overall, Iím doing pretty well. There are certainly moments that I feel really strong and I am proud of that.
For those of you that think I should tell the H off...as good as it would feel, I just donít think itís me. If I never had to talk to him again, then maybe I would. But seeing as though over got at least 10 years of shared parenting, I just donít want to create more drama. Itís easier for me. Maybe it makes me ďtoo niceĒ but itís just the way I need to handle it. Who knows maybe the urge will come over me someday... and I know youíll all be cheering me on:)

Hurtmyheart posted 8/6/2019 13:51 PM

Heart, we just see things from a different perspective and are on your side cheering you on. Maybe it's not so much telling him off as it is more like quit allowing him to mistreat you. I do get what being civil means...we just don't want to see you continually hurt by his coldness. It seems like he really has no boundries.

Charity411 posted 8/6/2019 16:14 PM

((((Heartinpain)))) Don't worry about anyone thinking you are weak, least of all him. If anything, I think it's a good thing for him to get a good look at what the affect of his betrayal has had. Especially now that you are done with him. It's not like he can interpret it as you wanting him back. Nobody likes to be hit in the face with the reality of their horrible actions.

I, like you, found out going through the divorce process that there had been many betrayals. He had hit on almost every friend of mine. I was furious. Both at him and the so called friends that never thought to clue me in on it. I cry when I'm angry. It seemed like each revelation got me started crying all over again. Eventually it stops.

I suspect someday you will get the opportunity to tell him off. It will be when you are well down the road and have no reason to care what his response will be, because you won't want a response. You'll be amazed at how easy it will come to you. You'll reach this point where you have absolutely no idea why you ever wanted to be married to this jerk in the first place.

Life events will put you in a situation where he thinks you are friends in co parenting and he'll say something so ridiculous, about what a great father he is or whatever and you'll be able to calmly and succinctly unload on him. It will be far more effective than it is now. It will burst the fantasy bubble that he was one of the "good" cheaters.

I had that opportunity planning our daughter's wedding. He acted all put out that I expected him to pick up some of the expense, less than half mind you. And then he balked at going to pick up the linens for the tables from a rental place an hour and fifteen minutes away. I responded with "Really? Let's recap." And in went down the list of unpaid child support, failure to spend time with her growing up, and more than anyone on this site has time to read. I finished with "Tell me again how you aren't going to get in your van and head for Cedar Rapids Iowa to get those linens." He was gone in a half an hour.

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