SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

ChamomileTea posted 6/7/2019 06:48 AM

{duplicate post}

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 6:48 AM, June 7th (Friday)]

Odonna posted 6/10/2019 08:18 AM

How are you doing HIP?

Heartinpain posted 6/11/2019 22:13 PM

Well, I’ve been struck with what seems like a summer bout of the flu! Ugh...my luck!
After talking with my lawyer, I have decided to give him shared parenting. It doesn’t change child support or time, just gives him weigh-in on medical, education, etc decisions regarding kids. I sat down and talked to him on Monday night. He agreed to not have kids have any contact with OW until after divorce/ dissolution is final. And no overnights with OW for at least 6 months after things are finalized. He is obviously not a man of his word, but we will see. I guess I won’t expect anything, and then be surprised if he actually sticks to it. I know things differ by state, and my lawyer said our courts have no interest in enforcing agreements like that after things are finalized.
Youngest of my DDs, she’s 8, has been having a hard time. Throwing tantrums with a lot of anger, screaming, being mean to siblings.... I have all my kids in counseling. But today she sat in my lap and told me that she was sad that daddy and I are separating. She said that she knows there’s no chance of us getting back together. I just held her and we cried together. I told her that her dad and I were not getting back together but that we would be ok- I promised. I said it didn’t have anything to do with her and it wasn’t her fault. And that I loved her with all my heart. I didn’t know what else to say. Not only is my heart broken, but it breaks for my children.

ChamomileTea posted 6/11/2019 23:26 PM

It doesn’t change child support or time, just gives him weigh-in on medical, education, etc decisions regarding kids.

Do you believe this guy is competent enough to have an equal say regarding important parenting issues? It was only a few months ago that he was hospitalized for mental illness. In addition, he totally ignored your request, as their MOTHER, that they not be emotionally confused by meeting his AP this soon. Nothing this guy has ever done is screaming "he's a great dad" to me.

If it's just about getting the easiest divorce, I get the temptation. But I don't see how an agreement which allows him to countermand your wishes isn't going to end up in strife.

Heartinpain posted 6/12/2019 08:11 AM

Lawyer said courts want to see shared parenting. She said that I would spend a lot of money and time, and probably end up losing in the end. She said it would put the kids through hell. Basically, I decided the fight wasn’t worth the pay off. And I can always go back and fight for sole custody if he proves unfit.

ChamomileTea posted 6/12/2019 08:36 AM

Unfortunately, I think you'd do well to keep in mind that you may indeed have to take him back to court someday. It might be prudent to get a parenting app which will allow you to keep a complete record of everything which transpires. Failing that, you'll need to keep a detailed diary to record it all by hand.

Heartinpain posted 7/9/2019 21:03 PM

I haven’t posted in this thread in a while. But I’m really having an awful night and I’m looking for some support. It started out with me texting my STBXH about some money issues.
I need to preface this with this: I am a band director and my DS is in my high school band. We have a parade this weekend, and my WH informed me that he would be there. I got to thinking, being that he doesn’t have the kids this weekend, that that must mean that OW is coming here.
I asked my WH, if OW will be on the parade route. I told him, I understand you have no obligation to tell me, but I’d appreciate a heads up, because I don’t need you to cause me any further pain than you already have. This ballooned into a whole text conversation of me laying into him about what he’s done to me and why. I really spiraled our of control and it progressed into a full blown sobbing anxiety attack. (It was all Text, so he didn’t know that) But WH said he was going to write me a letter so that he could accurately express his feelings. Ugh! I’m beating myself up for the whole episode, showing weakness and emotion to this man that has taken so much from me.

hedothprotest posted 7/10/2019 00:38 AM

I just wanted to tell you that I think you're doing a great job! You really seem to be self aware during all of this and it sounds like you're growing a lot in the right direction. Another thing I was thinking is you're going through all of the painful firsts now after being apart. Those firsts can really suck. It used to give me a lot of anxiety anticipating and worrying about those firsts, like the first holidays without him, or in your case, the first time having to see the OW. But please remember, it won't always be like this. After you go through all of those firsts the next times won't hurt as much. And someday they will barely register with you on an emotional level at all. I know that that day cannot get here for you quickly enough, but it's just kind of a life preserver to throw out to you now to let you know this level of pain and anxiety will NOT be permanent at all.

And I know it's hard to do, but I really wouldn't worry too much about the OW.They sound like a true recipe for disaster with all of their emotional and mental health issues. Neither of them has what it takes to maintain a loving stable relationship, so I doubt you will have to deal with her for a long time. Keep your chin up because it will get better soon!

Adlham posted 7/10/2019 01:21 AM

HIP, I went through similar with my ex when we split. It sucked so mucb.

Whenever I felt my resolve waiver, I would listen to Trigger Happy Jack by Poe.

All the lyrics are awesome but the chorus was particularly helpful:

You can't talk to a psycho like a normal human being

It was (& still is, actually) a great way to remember that he was a selfish asshole and it would be a monumental waste of time and energy to expect any sort of normal, decent behavior.

He actually took my 3-year old daughter to meet some hookup that he had only talked to online. WTAF? Who takes their toddler to someone's house that they had never met before? Thankfully, she was a decent person. She could have easily been a psycho.

Like him.

Anyways, check out the lyrics to that song or find one that will remind you that he's not a normal human being.

ChamomileTea posted 7/10/2019 07:59 AM

It started out with me texting my STBXH about some money issues.

Were these money issues of the life or death variety in financial terms? Were they so important they couldn't wait for your attorney to address them, or at least for an email response?

No new contact = No new hurts. You see how he took your innocent money question and parlayed it into centrality by reminding you that he's still with the OW and that they don't need your permission to ogle you and your pain from the parade march. KIBBLES! Delicious, stolen kibbles, taken while your guard was down.

But WH said he was going to write me a letter so that he could accurately express his feelings.

Why? Because his feelings are sooooo very important that he wants everyone to be aware of them? Or because you keep expressing curiosity by asking him pointed questions about "money issues"?

This is just image management and normalization of his fetid agenda. He has this picture in his head of you playing the role of the doting and supportive ex-wife, while he plays happy families with the kids and his internet tramp. In his mind, everyone in his world is just so much better off because his feelings are paramount. If he's happy, then everyone is happy. You see how that works? The guy has no ability to empathize because the feelings of others are just not imaginable to him. Instead, he projects his own onto everyone around him.

Ugh! I’m beating myself up for the whole episode, showing weakness and emotion to this man that has taken so much from me.

Don't beat yourself up. You're not a disordered creep who abandoned her family, so you don't think like he does. But if you roll back to the beginning, you're right, you got played. You opened the door by texting him and this provided him with an opportunity to twist you up and wring out some kibbles. Maybe you still want answers for why he abandoned you? But the answer is that he's a disordered creep who's biggest priority in life is HIMSELF. Throughout this whole ordeal, I see you, over and over again, trying to makes sense of nonsense. And that is TOTALLY understandable. Everyone does it, because we're the normal ones. But eventually, for your own sanity's sake, you're going to need to accept that this guy is a freak. So, don't beat yourself up. It's not the end of the world. You just dust yourself off, get back on the NC horse, and rock on. If he has the nerve to send you some pathetic missive about why he's such a fucknut, feel free to ignore it... or better yet, post it here for commentary.

((hugs))

Heartinpain posted 7/13/2019 22:59 PM

So, today was the parade...and guess who was there? OW and her daughter. Thank god I didn’t see her. STBXH wanted to come to the house to pick up some of his things. I told him that if it was with her, forget it. He kept arguing with me, so I replied with this text.
“Whatever WH. As always it’s about what you want and I just have to deal with it. So do whatever you want because you have demonstrated that that’s what you’re going to do anyway regardless of how I feel. Your words about not causing me pain mean nothing.”
He replied with “wow.” I’m really proud of myself for expressing my feelings, and not being my usual civil self.
And as for the parade, my band did great and I had tons of friends along the route. Meanwhile, my friends told me that WH and OW didn’t even sit together on the route. I presume he has to “preserve his reputation.” Dumbass....

Odonna posted 7/13/2019 23:14 PM

Just going to bed and not too familiar with your story...

But, WOW WOW WOW!!!!

Good for you Girl!!!

[This message edited by Odonna at 7:24 AM, July 14th (Sunday)]

Cooley2here posted 7/13/2019 23:51 PM

I honestly believe depression is contagious. Once he is out of your life I think you and your kids will feel like a wet blanket has been lifted off you. He isn’t going to change. Oh, maybe for a little while his new ow will give him a high but it won’t last. Just bring the recliner and the popcorn.

Heartinpain posted 7/28/2019 23:40 PM

I don’t even know where to start. I feel like I can’t ever get a break. Like nothing is ever going to get better. First of all, today is my wedding anniversary. 18 years... as if that’s not enough.
I had a full day planned to keep me occupied and not thinking about it. Well that has completely blown up. My son discovered today that one of his best friends committed suicide. He’d been missing for 2 days and they found his body this morning. So I’m trying to be there for him regarding that. He’s 16 so not super expressive about how he’s feeling. I was going about an hour out of town this morning and found out on my way, so I turned around and came back, my WH was with my 2 DD’s. I called him immediately, hoping he could be with our son when he heard the news. Only to find out that he had taken our kids to OW’s house to spend the weekend. After agreeing to no overnights till 6 months after divorce.
In addition, I have found out that this is not the first time, and he had been having the girls lie to me, so as “not to upset me.”
Also, surprisingly had a long conversation with OW, only to find out that he was lying to both of us. Inspite of me taking him back twice, and visiting him everyday in the hospital after his mental breakdown, he never had any intentions of trying or reconciling. He was talking to her the whole time. She also told me that she wasn’t the first person he cheated on me with. He denied that, not that I can believe a word that comes out of his mouth. So needless to say, today has sucked. I can’t take anymore bad news, I can’t take any more lies. I’m tired of fights. I’m tired of crying. I’m just tired.

BearlyBreathing posted 7/29/2019 00:41 AM

I’m so sorry for your DS. So tragic. And sorry that your WH is such a selfish jerk. Him telling your kids to lie to you is pretty horrific.

How soon till you are free of him? ((((HIP and son))))

Hurtmyheart posted 7/29/2019 01:03 AM

I'm so sorry you are going through so many hard times, Heartinpain. I know it's been a struggle for you. I was there also at one point in my life. Your life will get better but you need to give it time and go through the emotional ups and downs and also work on healing your heart and life. I hope that you are going to IC. Emotional support is a good thing. And yes, be there for your son, your WH doesn't seem capable of being a supportive husband or father.

Your STBXWH sounds like a piece of work. Now his affair partner can deal with him.

I find it odd that his OW was telling you these things. She obviously doesn't realize he may end up cheating on her down the line.

Heartinpain posted 7/29/2019 07:49 AM

Bearly,
Hopefully I’ll be free within. A couple of months. Lawyer is not being especially expedient with paperwork.

Hurt, I am in counseling. I thank god that I have a good job with benefits that allows me to attend, along with my kiddos.

ibonnie posted 7/29/2019 08:13 AM

I find it odd that his OW was telling you these things. She obviously doesn't realize he may end up cheating on her down the line.

Their love is just *SO SPECIAL*, he couldn't possibly cheat on her. Plus Heartinpain was probably really mean, and AP won't be mean. Oh, and also she'll spend a shit ton of time and energy spying on him and policing his moves that way he can't cheat on her. So. Clearly TWU WUV is in full effect here, and that's why the OW is safe from being cheated on by (her own admission) a serial cheater.

ChamomileTea posted 7/29/2019 18:07 PM

I'm so sorry about your son's friend and the emotional trauma it's causing for him. I'm glad you've already got therapy established for the kids.

I know we've talked about this in the past, but what would happen if you just went the fuck off on him? Just once. And not in a protracted, three hour argument either, but limited to just one topic and uncharacteristically explosive. That guy doesn't give a shit WHAT you think, not even when it comes to your kids. If it was me, next time I saw his snake face, I'd lean in, lower my voice to a gravelly rasp, and tell him something like.. "Next time you tell one of my children to lie to me, you sleazy mother-fucker, I'll see you in court. I'll be damned if any of MY children end up being lying, conniving, sawed-off, little shits like their sperm-donor". And then, while he's still hopefully gawping like a goldfish, I'd get in my car and leave.

This guy completely disrespected you as a wife, but now, he's disrespecting you as a parent. And something about that just makes my inner mama bear roar.

ETA: And if you ever end up in conversation with OW again, make sure you point out all his flaws and act like you're RELIEVED to be shot of him. Someday, it's gonna be the truth.

((hugs))

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 6:09 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

Heartinpain posted 7/30/2019 07:33 AM

So OW talked to me because she thought that WH was lying to both of us (when he was still here) and wanted to clear the air. I’m guessing she’s having doubts....poor baby.
Anyway, I found out that STBXH told her that she wasn’t the first person that he cheated on me with. When I confronted him, he denied it, surprise. She also told me that they did not meet on a depression blog as the asshole told me, but KIK. So SI friends, with your experience, should I assume he was looking? I did a bit of research and learned that it is frequently used for affairs, people just looking to sext... is that your experience?
As of now, I’m assuming that’s the case. So his story of meeting her on this blog and just falling for her is a lie. He was looking. He told her I was a terrible wife and mom, that I didn’t care about him or his whereabouts. Meanwhile I was home worried sick and texting him to make sure he was ok. Lies, lies and more lies. And why does each piece of info continue to cut, to hurt? I’m ridding myself of this man and his lies. Why can’t I just be content with that? There is this part of me that keeps overthinking, rehashing everything, wanting the truth from him. Truth I know that I’ll never get.