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I didnít want to believe it...but here I am again

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Heartinpain posted 4/20/2019 09:06 AM

Some of you may remember my story. I tried to post to my old thread, but itís closed. My Husband of almost 18 years (3 kids) had an affair with a woman he met in a depression website.
After bring on the path to divorce, he had a major depressive episode with suicidal ideation and ended up in the hospital for a week at the beginning of February.
Afterwards, I allowed him to come home, he vowed he was ending the affair. Sent OW a letter, ending it. Thought we were moving toward reconciliation. We had our first marriage counseling appointment scheduled for today. I had waited because I wanted to allow the psych meds to take effect. Well, last night he went to the OWís house and didnít come home (she lives 2 1/2 hours away). Heís not back yet. Heís on his way home to pick up his stuff, because he sure as shit isnít staying here.
I canít do this again. I am broken. I am devastated, I am angry. I am sad. I need your words of encouragement. Your help. I donít know how Iím going to do this again. The pain is overwhelming.

rugswept posted 4/20/2019 09:23 AM

We're sorry. None of us wanted this and yet, here we are.

I have no idea why they do this to us. they're so selfish and don't have any feelings for anyone. they don't care about pleasing anyone but themselves.

you know now that it's over. you tried. he's not worth it and is a horrible person. don't pity this sorry excuse of a man if he does something to himself. it's time for him to move along and go with the whore.

call your friends. speak to people you can trust. go out, keep busy. do things you like to do. do things that occupy your mind. anything to stop thinking about him. he's done enough damage to you to last a lifetime.

good luck.

timespent posted 4/20/2019 10:08 AM

I'm so sorry Heartinpain. You do not deserve this and he certainly does not deserve you. It's so shocking to realize how awful humans can be to each other. Fwiw your instincts seem right. He's got to go. Strength to you

BBBD posted 4/20/2019 10:10 AM

Odds are he always kept contact with OW. What are the ages of your kids?
Hang in there

Heartinpain posted 4/20/2019 10:18 AM

BBBD,
My son is15, and my daughters are 11 and 8.

Buster123 posted 4/20/2019 10:35 AM

I'm sorry about your pain. By now you should know that you can only control YOU. When he picks up his stuff don't say anything to him, just let him go, hire a pitbull attorney and file for D without warning the very next day and have him served at OW's home or at work, get tested for STDs, take half the money from all joint accounts and close any joint credit cards, also get support from family and close friends, I know it's painful but it does get better with time.

BearlyBreathing posted 4/20/2019 10:50 AM

Ugh. False R is the worst (been there done that). But... there is a sliver of a silver lining. Now you know for sure that he is not capable of doing the work required for R. Not what you wanted to learn, but clarity helps you move forward. (((Heartinpain)))

Now itís time to take care of you. Get a lawyer ó find a good one - and go after everything you are entitled to. Sometimes if you file quickly, guilt will cause them to be more generous. Do not settle for less than what you and your kids deserve. You are setting up your future and theirs.
Pull all your financial records so you know exactly how much there is (or should be) and make sure 50% of your combined moneys are safe from him.

Get an IC if you donít have one. And some support IRL.
See your doctor for STD tests (and help sleeping if you need it).
Cry - let it out. You need to keep moving forward but donít stifle the emotions.


I am so sorry. But you WILL be okay. That selfish jerk has shown you what way you need to go. Sending you strength.

Marie2792 posted 4/20/2019 10:59 AM

I read through your closed thread briefly and also the one where she posted pictures of your H and herself kissing for his birthday. Before I comment on this new post I would like to ask if your WH had anything to say about that public grossness. Your children are young but old enough to see that on social media by accident or by someone showing them. He should have not been okay with that which says a lot of his mental state now.

I agree with Busters suggestions. Let him take his stuff. Be silent about it, maybe arrange to have the kids out with a friend or relative. After heís gone, change the locks, look for an attorney. Take half of any funds in joint accounts. Install an app for speaking with him just regard to kids and bills. Donít answer any texts or calls to your phone. It will be painful, but will send a strong message.

Have you outed this OW? If you did I apologize as I skimmed the thread and didnít see that.

Heartinpain posted 4/20/2019 11:35 AM

Marie2792,
His response to her posting that was that he didnít ask her to do that and that he asked her to take it down.
The following day was when he admitted himself to the hospital for the mental breakdown.

IslandGirl4418 posted 4/20/2019 11:52 AM

Heart: The bad thing about this website is that we can't hug you and let you cry on our shoulder and tell you that SOME DAY it will all be okay again. You will never be the same. This will change you forever, but you will be good again. It just takes a freaking long time. And you will build your life back again, without that lying, cheating sack of shit. I wish you the best.

heartbroken_kk posted 4/20/2019 12:30 PM

False R really sucks, the betrayal all over again, AFTER WS has already seen how much it hurts you is just so awful.

Keep your resolve. He needs to get his stuff and get out. OUT. Don't let him sweet talk you into anything else. HE NEEDS TO GET OUT.

Limit your conversations with him. Don't share how you feel. Don't go there, it will help you get yourself out of the pain zone.

In fact, limit your discussions with him about ANYTHING. The only things you need to talk to him about are kids and finances.

You will be filing. You will be working with a lawyer and he will be receiving paperwork shortly. That's all he needs to know.

No negotiating. Do not go there. Don't JADE. Don't justify, argue, defend, or explain.

You can have your breakdown after he leaves, but do everything you can to be ice cold when he is around you.

[This message edited by heartbroken_kk at 12:31 PM, April 20th (Saturday)]

Western posted 4/20/2019 12:38 PM

I think you have the conviction to do what you need to. Protect the kids in the process but do not allow him to use the kids as pawns in his one sided open marriage experiment that he fantasizes in.

He blew the one chance, the one gift you gave him.

ChamomileTea posted 4/20/2019 14:13 PM

So very sorry, HiP. I know you're feeling devastated and tired, but you really are going to be okay. You've been posting here for long enough that anyone can see what a wonderful person you are. And that's all you need, really... is just to hang on to the sweet, kind person you are at your core.

I think you're making a good decision to hold your ground and not allow him back in while he's actively cheating. Other than that, I don't think you have to make a decision today. Instead, just breathe and KNOW that you ARE enough.

((huge hugs))

The1stWife posted 4/20/2019 15:29 PM

You tried. He did not.

So sorry for you. You will survive this. We all do.

But now may be the time to stop trying to help him or fix him or save him.

You and kids come first. Not him. Not your marriage.

Hurtbeyondtime posted 4/20/2019 15:50 PM

HiP
Oh my Iím sorry you are here again... I would call a lawyer asap..
how are you doing today.

Iím not sure did he take his things already??
If so call the locksmith and take out all the funds... you donít know how much heís spent on her and everything else.
One thing I did not see an answer is if you Outed this OW.. is she married or tell her family about her behavior..
you need to get this out in the open. Otherwise it stays underground.
Stay strong 180 him.


Heartinpain posted 4/20/2019 16:38 PM

From what I understand she is separated from her husband after he cheated on her with prostitutes. I donít care about it being underground or above ground anymore. Iím done. I have given him chance after chance after chance. He has shown me the kind of man he is. For myself and my kids, I have to move on and start to build a better life.
As he was leaving the house today, he had the audacity to ask if he can give me a hug. I said no. I still love him with all of my heart, but I canít continue to subject myself or my kids to this. He has made his choice, and Iím making mine, as horribly painful as that is.

max2018 posted 4/20/2019 18:35 PM

Can't turn my back

Intervention

Help him

Save him

Duty

Your old posts are filled with these words
I sorry that this happened to you but you're in a fog and a cycle that needs to be broken
He cheats, contacts the OW, you get angry start to move away, he conveniently has a episode, you rush to save him and get sucked in again

THIS NEEDS TO STOP

If not for your sake, for the kids sake. Work hard on removing the rainbow glasses that you see him with.

180 hard , stop all communication, text only for the kids

He is playing, get out the game

Good luck

Tallgirl posted 4/20/2019 19:13 PM

(((((HiP)))))

I am so sorry. You donít deserve this.

It is time to protect yourself and your kids. You need time to heal. I hope that you can find some peace of mind.

Can you go somewhere busy and fun with your kids for a few days? Play hooky and go do some fun things.

I find escaping from the ďcrapĒ helps .

Stay strong and be kind to yourself.

ChamomileTea posted 4/20/2019 19:32 PM

As he was leaving the house today, he had the audacity to ask if he can give me a hug. I said no.

Ugh. That pisses me off on your behalf. I've already written and deleted two paragraphs of "I hope you told him....."

The disconnect is just remarkable. It just seems impossible sometimes that cheaters get it worked out in their fantasies that something like that would even be in the ballpark of okay. And yet, it's so typical. I'm so sorry, HiP. :(

Heartinpain posted 4/20/2019 22:50 PM

Max2018,
Youíre right. My script has to change. Heís not my concern anymore. He has made his choice, and Iím making mine. Iím going to visit a lawyer next week. I need to be moving in a direction, I need closure for me and my kids. He has been in and out of the house several times since Thanksgiving of last year and itís not fair to any of us.
As hard as this is, I have to be done. I canít subject myself or my kids to his unhealthy choices anymore.

Chamomile,
I know. The whole thing is ridiculous to me. How could he think a hug was ok? Is it his guilt? His realization that this was the last straw? Was he wanting comfort? To give it? I donít know. But there was no way that was happening.

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