Thanks for sharing this Maia. I see shame as a "tool", much in the same way that I see pain. Pain, like shame, sucks, and no one wants to have to experience it nor bear it for extended periods of time. However pain is often the precursor, and the vehicle, towards healing and growth. It is a necessary part of the process. Break a bone, and while it heals, it hurts. But that pain means the break is healing. Shame is similar. It is emotional pain during healing.
The thing about both pain and shame is that, while it is a necessary discomfort, and one often required for growth, with either, you can become addicted to the discomfort, and even rely on it.
Some people often extend their own pain greatly. Sometimes this is because of the positive and caring messages from others that tend to accompany such a condition. For example, a person with a broken bone will illicit messages of caring, sympathy, pity, care-taking and so on. By extending their pain, a person can also extend the attention they are getting. Of course, this comes at a cost as it wears on the relationships with others, but a person with self-value issues will often find themselves unconsciously "milking" their pain for all it is worth. The other thing that may happen is the avoidance of the pain, such as getting hooked on pain-killers or alcohol. Again, a person will falsely "extend" their pain in order to keep taking the painkillers.
Shame is different however. Whereas pain is the precursor to healing, shame can go either way. The problem with shame is that, like taking painkillers, it can sometimes help us to avoid facing the actual problem(s) at hand. Instead, shame allows us to focus on the past, and to seek out sympathy and pity, just as we would with pain. This is part of the broken coping skills that many WS's struggle with. This is an immature response to shame. A child may hurt themselves while attempting to sneak the last cookie from the jar. However rather than saying, "I deserved to get hurt because I was doing something wrong", a child will instead run to their mother and ask for pity and help, because they hurt themselves. Their culpability in the actual wrong-doing goes by the wayside. However, many of us, for various reasons, never grow past that immature view. So when shame comes knocking on our door, we expect to be coddled. The opportunity for growth is missed. Instead, we wallow in the shame, and when we don't get coddled, we wallow harder.
Shame, used as a tool, can be used for growth instead. Instead of seeking out sympathy for our poor choices and actions, we can choose to use our shame to promote new thought patterns, new coping skills, and use the "lessons learned" as a way of avoiding shame and doing the right thing in the future.
I mention all of this simply because it was something I struggled with greatly for several years, and still do sometimes. From what I read on SI, others do too. We get so lost in the shame that we can't move past it, which, of course, is simply more self-focused (selfish) behavior, and a lack of progressive or empathetic emotional outcomes. Once a WS can move past the shame, it then can become a motivator for positive change, which can set the WS and hopefully the relationship on a more positive path as well.
I love your perspective on justice here. On the act of not just "serving your time" (which is usually quite useless) and instead, making the victims "whole" again. It moves the focus off the abuser and back on to the victim where it belongs. The goal of the abuser is not to "serve our time", it is to make an effort to both change (so it doesn't happen again and so that we are better people) and also to make recompense to our victims.
