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Four weeks since DDay

BetterTimesAhead posted 3/23/2019 17:57 PM

It's been four weeks since my WH admitted that his EA had progressed to a PA. I just can't believe how different my life is. Like everyone else, I never thought I would be in this position. I am still deciding to R or D - not in a rush as I don't want this to be a purely emotional decision. Right now, emotions are still raw and the pain is still unbearable. I try not to think about it. WH is still going to IC. We started MC last week - it is unbelievably difficult, especially to hear some of his truths but I guess they need to be said and heard if we have a chance to move past this (as do mine). I purchased two books - I am reading one and left the other for him - it is up to him to pick it up and read it. I do notice changes in him and he is certainly more attentive and nicer to me than before DDay (he was quite angry and mean to me before). He notices if I am upset or not feeling like myself and asks what's on my mind, then actually sticks around until I am done discussing. Unfortunately, I still have to point out things he does without thinking that cause me anxiety or make me uncomfortable, but he then acknowledges he sees my point and will try to be more mindful. This is not a journey I ever wanted to be on. I do know that whatever happens, I will certainly grow as a person. Still wish I wasn't here though. Thanks to all who have provided advice and support. I hope someday to be able to return the favor.

Shocked0300 posted 3/23/2019 18:08 PM

What books did you get for you both?

BetterTimesAhead posted 3/23/2019 18:10 PM

I got How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair (which I left for him to read first) and After the Affair, which I am about halfway through.

Shocked0300 posted 3/23/2019 18:19 PM

I’ll look into those. “What makes love last” helped us.

BetterTimesAhead posted 3/23/2019 18:26 PM

Thanks - I'll check it out. Hope you are feeling stronger every day.

totallydumb posted 3/23/2019 18:59 PM

Good to see you back BTA!

Keep posting, let us know you are doing.

How is your son handling things?

BetterTimesAhead posted 3/23/2019 20:10 PM

Thanks totallydumb. For the first time since DDay I actually ate decently today. I know this is a roller coaster though so I am taking advantage while I can. And I even got a little more sleep last night too. Baby steps.

Ag123 posted 3/24/2019 08:16 AM

I am about 2/3 the way through Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Glass was an expert on researching and treating infidelity in her practice and there are several parts of the book I have read out loud to my husband. We can both identify with parts of this book. I highly recommend.

BetterTimesAhead posted 3/24/2019 10:54 AM

Thanks ATG. I will check it out.

Krieger posted 3/24/2019 11:51 AM

You are wise to not make rash decisions, also don't put much faith in his words, concentrate on his actions. Lying to you is obviously in his repertoire. Hang in there girl.

Tentwinkletoes posted 3/24/2019 12:55 PM

You will get through this even if it feels you won't at times. Survival mode is important for now. So do what you can to eat, drink water and sleep. That should be your main concern. Following that then get yourself with a IC you need the support for the rollercoaster. MC cam be shelved until you feel clearer And stronger.

You've got this.

BetterTimesAhead posted 3/24/2019 13:50 PM

Thank you Krieger. I am trying to be more mindful about the actions than the words.

Thank you tentwinkletoes. I know I will get through this but at times it really feels like I wont. I'm doing what I can to take care of myself and some days I do better than others. I also have my son to take care of so that's where most of my energy goes. I I am impatient for some type of resolution but I know I can't be. I know I need to take my time.

Thanks for the support!

GreenVelvet posted 3/24/2019 17:29 PM

This resonates with me so much. I too am riding the wave; not making any big decisions until my emotions calm down. I know it'll just take time but I keep running my options through my head: Stay and risk the regret of not taking the opportunity for a fresh start and be free from the person that hurt me. Or leave and regret not finding a way to tough it out and make it work. Lots of fear of regret.

Hope you can hang in there until your path makes itself clear to you. I feel for you, truly.

BetterTimesAhead posted 3/24/2019 17:39 PM

GreenVelvet, it is probably the toughest thing I've ever done. I hate the uncertainty, being in limbo. But I also want to be certain I am making the right decision for me. I don't know that I'll be able to get past the cheating. I think it's too soon to tell and a lot depends upon WH. He seems to be headed in the right direction but it's early yet. Who knows if we'll end up in the same place. Just stay true to yourself and remember you are stronger than you think.

Ag123 posted 3/25/2019 10:49 AM

I too am riding the wave; not making any big decisions until my emotions calm down. I know it'll just take time but I keep running my options through my head: Stay and risk the regret of not taking the opportunity for a fresh start and be free from the person that hurt me. Or leave and regret not finding a way to tough it out and make it work. Lots of fear of regret.

Yes! 100 times yes! I feel this way everyday!

BetterTimesAhead posted 3/25/2019 12:14 PM

I feel that way every day. Not a decision I ever wanted to have to make. I think no matter which decision you make, it will be difficult and there will always be some regrets. They both have their appeal and both have negative aspects as well. All we can do is take some time to process and make the best decision we can, and then make peace with it no matter what the results.

Atg100 posted 3/26/2019 05:50 AM

BTA - You are correct that these are difficult choices you to make.
I think that it is correct that you are however the one who has to decide.
Don't put your husband in charge of your happiness.
Also : divorce is a chance for a new beginning.
You are a person of integrity and morals.
I doubt you will have too many regrets, once you make that step.
But you have to be sure you have tried everything.

BetterTimesAhead posted 3/26/2019 14:35 PM

I know ATG. It is my decision but if he decides I and/or our marriage is not worth it before I decide then he will be making the choice. And I do have to be sure I tried everything while still being true to myself so that no matter what the outcome, I can be as certain as possible that I made the right choice.

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