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Any advice welcome

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Blindsided75 posted 3/23/2019 01:50 AM

have been with my husband for 11 years. I felt like the luckiest woman on earth. He is the most kind , considerate, charming man I have ever met and until a few weeks ago I tjhought we would grow old together . This is my second marriage and my hubby knows exactly how difficult it was to wear down my walls on remarrying . My first husband was my high school sweet heart who cheated on me on his interstate band trips . It took me 8 years to leave that marriage and I vowed I would never put myself through that shit again. My hubby wore down my walls heí wanted to marry me after the first 5 months into our relationship. Last year in fact our anniversary is the 25th March we finally married . I realised that you cannot paint everyone with the same brush. My hubby showed no signs of ever straying . Then a few weeks ago I have uncovered that my husbsnd has been going to massage parlours for the last nine years. He cannot tell me when he started but from bank records I have worked out it was within months of moving in with me. On average attending them 6 times a month. To make it worse he escalated these trips after we got married accepting sex, hj and body slides. I donít know if it escalated by chance or the new places he goes offers these things. He has spent over $50k in cash and has $50k in credit card debt. I was completely blindsided by this and have gone through all the emotions most of you have described . Vomiting , loss of appetite anger total shocks,, he is extremely remorseful now And we are both getting therapy separately . I feel like my whole life has been a lie. He proposed to me while having this double life. He visited them on every special occasion (even my hens weekend) and even twice a day at times . What freaks me out more is that we have an amazing sex life that still after all this time is very regular, kinky and spontaneous. He showed no signs of wavering in ability to want me . The only reason I started looking Is because his mood swings were getting worse , Now what to do! He wants to stay at home and work it out he believes the shock of this has stopped him forever, I on the other hand need to know he truly loves me and I wasnít just desert. I want a trial separation while he delves into his shit and can give me some answers like why and when did it start - these are questions he cannot answer . I also need him to be accountable and prove to me that it is me he truly wants . For the first time I have to put my feelings first and think about my wellbeing . At the moment Iím putting on a fake facade to the world, including my children and family , I donít intend to ever tell the kids (they are adults) but they do not need to know this Any advise would be amazing thanks for listening

Dragonfly123 posted 3/23/2019 04:49 AM

Blindsided Iím so sorry. After your previous marriage I canít imagine the sense of betrayal you must feel.

My advice would be first of all take care of you. Hydrate, eat healthily, try to sleep. Then read everything you can. Knowledge is power.

You have the right to call the shots. If you want a trial separation he should abide by that, if he is truly starting to understand the gravity of his actions he will do everything in his power for you. He has betrayed you terribly knowing what you have previously been through.

He needs to get into individual counselling. This sounds like highly addictive behaviour. He needs to draw up a financial plan to fix the debt problem his actions have left you both in. He needs to read. A good starting point is Ďhow to help your spouse heal from the affairí. I know very little about sex addiction as itís not discussed in the same way where Iím from as in other places but itís certainly something heíd need to look into. I will add that in my experience of being on here, most CS (cheating spouses) are not remorseful for a good few months after being found out. Theyíre regretful, theyíre in fight or flight, theyíre in damage control. Only time and work will show whether they are truly remorseful.

But you need to heal you. It sucks that you've has to do this all again and I canít imagind the level of anger and pain you must be feeling. Huge hugs.

The1stWife posted 3/23/2019 04:55 AM

Heís suddenly going to stop going to these places?

Not very likely to last IMO.

Blindsided75 posted 3/23/2019 05:12 AM

Thanks dragonfly for your advice. I am still not sure if itís sex addiction or simply because he could. He had the freedom and the accessible money . His job allows him time and he has credit cards that I never had access to because I trusted him. Time will tell but in the meantime Iím on auto pilot trying to survive I now have access to everything including tracking but I donít want to be with someone who needs tracking I always thought I had someone that was satisfied with me alone. I feel depleted and he has destroyed us. Even if we survive it will be very different donít I donít expect to ever look at him the same way again .

Blindsided75 posted 3/23/2019 05:16 AM

I donít think he will be able to go the these places very easily in the future even though he swears he wonít. first as he is not allowed to take cash out and I have the credit cards but what I fear is he will just move on to non transactional sex. he travels with work a couple of nights at least a month I believe if he had to leave the house the possibility of losing me would be more real and give me time as well . Has anyone had success with a trial separation

Cooley2here posted 3/23/2019 06:27 AM

You canít change him. That needs to be front and center. You canít change him. He was doing this long before you got married. This is entrenched behavior. He needs to be assessed by a therapist trained in SA. If it is SA it owns him just like heroin owns a drug addict. If he goes just because he wants to how are you going to stop him? Being the behavior police in a marriage is like jail time for both of you.
One thing is clear........he can lie so easily.
I am so sorry this has happened to you twice.
Take care of your health and recognize that this has nothing to do with you. This is all on him.

Edie posted 3/23/2019 06:46 AM

What Cooley said. Exactly.

Really sorry.

Please read up on the 180 in the Healing Library. You canít fix him, you need to detach from the addiction and look after yourself. The 180 is a tool for doing this.

There is a thread for sexual addiction in the ICan Relate Forum, which will be very helpful to you. Even attending Al-anon meetings irl would help you.

Keep reading and posting here, youíre in good company.

BBBD posted 3/23/2019 07:11 AM

Itís part of his DNA. I would move on. I had a ExW who had numerous affairs. Once I bailed, no more checking text messages, phone records, credit cards, it was pure freedom.

cannotforgive posted 3/23/2019 07:19 AM

It is easier to move on. If he is a sex addict, this addiction is difficult to fix. It takes years and people relapse.

He has been playing Russian roulette with your health for years for his own selfish gratification. That is a really good reason to move on.

You do not need to divorce now, separate and try and concentrate on your life and your children.

Get into IC. You might after all enjoy the freedom of not checking credit cards, mobile phones, etc. This is not a life to live.
Good luck.

swmnbc posted 3/23/2019 09:00 AM

I'm so sorry, what a terrible shock.

Your instinct for separation is a good one. You don't have to have all the answers right now, but giving yourself time to process without his influence is a really good idea. I would try to think of the separation as something you are doing for *you,* and not as something to get the outcome you want out of *him.* Because you cannot change him, and indeed the chances that he will be able to go cold turkey on this addiction are slim.

WhiteWolfWinning posted 3/23/2019 09:01 AM

Get into IC. You might after all enjoy the freedom of not checking credit cards, mobile phones, etc. This is not a life to live.

I checked, obsessively, on my WS for far too long. I thought that ifI simply outfoxed him, he woud stop... That's not how it worked with him. Instead, I created a world of chaos in which I was a prisoner.

He will only change if he decides to change.

There are many fine people on this site who DID change, who worked hard to save their marraiges and themsleves. It does happen.

But you must take care of yourself. As hard as it is, let go of his choices and work on making your life a peaceful one. IC is a great first step.

Best of luck to you.
Wolf

Justgettingbye posted 3/23/2019 10:21 AM

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. I'm sure it was a terrible shock. I agree with you that, at a minimum, a trial separation is a good idea. You need to be given the space that you feel you need to figure out what you want to do. He really has absolutely no right to deny you that opportunity. If you decide that you can't be with him after his betrayal, don't feel bad about it. He knew about what happened to you in the past and he did this anyway. You need to take care of yourself. In my opinion, working through this with him will be a million times harder than just letting him go. You need to decide what's best for YOU!

allusions posted 3/23/2019 11:02 AM

If this is a behavior he was involved in before you married you might be able to have your marriage annulled. Get legal advice. An annulment might also keep you from being responsible for the huge credit card debt.

Queen posted 3/23/2019 11:14 AM

I think you know what you want to do:

"I want a trial separation while he delves into his shit and can give me some answers like why and when did it start - these are questions he cannot answer . I also need him to be accountable and prove to me that it is me he truly wants . For the first time I have to put my feelings first and think about my wellbeing ."

You are giving yourself excellent advice, in my opinion.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Charity411 posted 3/23/2019 15:48 PM

The problem here is about so much more than the sex. It's about a complete disregard for the meaning of marriage. Don't get me wrong, the betrayal sexualy is horrible. But to me the financial betrayal is even worse.

My ex husband destroyed my fianacial history. He left me with a six year old daughter and working two jobs, sometimes 3, with two room mates so I could stay in my house. He had borrowed all the equity out of our house and bought a house in his mistress' name so I couldn't go after it. So I know of what I speak.

That this man could "wear down your walls" while doing this to you from the get go is unspeakably cruel. Separation is the best thing you can do. You have to give yourself the ability to see this for what it is and being away from what is clearly a person who is gifted at manipulation will help.

Krieger posted 3/23/2019 19:18 PM

Run, run fast and get out of this relationship. There is nothing good that can come from someone with this kind mindset, it won't get better. There are way too many men that would love to have a loving, faithful partner. You can't fix him, so don't try and no matter what he tells you, he isn't going to quit.

The1stWife posted 3/25/2019 06:38 AM

Is the credit card debt in both your names? If so have him get a credit card in his own name and transfer the debt to the new card in his name alone.

Then cancel all joint credit cards.

After my Hís Affair I financially protected myself. He did not spend $ on her so that was not a worry but I made sure my credit is not affected by him. All of our credit cards are separate.

He cannot get any equity out of our home b/c my credit reports are frozen. So I have to unfreeze them and only I have the passwords to do so.

My car is in my name alone and my bank accounts are not joint with him.

Get your finances in order and make him responsible for the $50k in credit card debt. Not you!!

Blindsided75 posted 3/27/2019 06:29 AM

Thanks for the advice. The credit card debt is his alone. Our finances have always been seperate and thatís why he could hide (get away) with this for so many years. I truly believe he has been doing it for so long it was normal behaviour and he was able to come home and switch off any sign of guilt for hudwrong doing. It does amaze me how he could do that. We have now started our trial separation and I know he is hurting. But so am I . I feel a change in him already . He would normally text me romantic messages and tell me he loves me but that has changed . Not sure if itís because he is struggling with depression or because all the romantic texts previously received were fake. 😢

Blindsided75 posted 3/27/2019 06:29 AM

Thanks for the advice. The credit card debt is his alone. Our finances have always been seperate and thatís why he could hide (get away) with this for so many years. I truly believe he has been doing it for so long it was normal behaviour and he was able to come home and switch off any sign of guilt for hudwrong doing. It does amaze me how he could do that. We have now started our trial separation and I know he is hurting. But so am I . I feel a change in him already . He would normally text me romantic messages and tell me he loves me but that has changed . Not sure if itís because he is struggling with depression or because all the romantic texts previously received were fake. 😢

Blindsided75 posted 3/27/2019 06:30 AM

Thanks for the advice. The credit card debt is his alone. Our finances have always been seperate and thatís why he could hide (get away) with this for so many years. I truly believe he has been doing it for so long it was normal behaviour and he was able to come home and switch off any sign of guilt for hudwrong doing. It does amaze me how he could do that. We have now started our trial separation and I know he is hurting. But so am I . I feel a change in him already . He would normally text me romantic messages and tell me he loves me but that has changed . Not sure if itís because he is struggling with depression or because all the romantic texts previously received were fake. 😢

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