"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

hrmnz posted 3/20/2019 19:17 PM

It all started when our 2 year old got a hold of his phone and the keypad lock hadn't initiated, i saw the grindr app, briefly saw x2 lots of messages but only skimmed through but saw naked pics and mention of when was last STD check, my daughter was grizzling for the phone and i accidentally locked it, app had disappeared by night time. For the next few days it was randomly downloaded and deleted then all activity on it stopped end of jan.. and theeeeen

Second was a facebook message asking when someones girl bits will be ready for his man bits.. apparently in 4 weeks. Only three messages in that converation, stayed like that for 3 days then were deleted.

Third was snap chat, asking a girl what her plans were that night and that he really wanted to perform oral on her.. apparently she was working, he was dissappointed and asked for pics... messages ended there, for some reason those messages were saved, i don't use snapchat but know it deletes messages once both have been seen so presuming thats whats happened.. hes almost 40 she looks 23 and they been friends since august 2015.. looks like they only recently got back in touch, did i mentions her daughters name is the same name i picked for our baby? ouch

Then there were the photos on his phone of bathroom walls with numbers for giving and receiving oral, but from what i can tell he hasn't text or called any..and to top it off there is also the transvestite, straight, and gay porn images hes been looking up at while at work.

Our sexual relationship started to go downhill a long time ago, i've opened up to him about why i feel the way i do but he just snorts because apparently in his eyes our problems weren't partly caused by him falling asleep in lounge watching tv everynight then if he does make it to bed its usually after 5am. Every contact was sexual fueled even a hug had groping etc even 30 mins after an argument and if i'm beding over he would stop and grind into me as he went past..i just got sick of it, it started to turn me off its like there was no rest, i was constantly rejected him and it started to feel like he was setting me up to reject him. I needed some emotion something more than what the side hoe gets, he would do it 2 times a day if i let him. Also since i had a kidney stone a few years back the antibiotics messed me up (you girls will know what i mean) so sex can really trigger it, i do my best to manage it but its not worth the risk of a flare up if its just a quickie and i feel so emotionally disconnected the want to do anything to please him really has deminished.. i miss him so much. he is a great father and otherwise a great partner, his high sex drive really has effected our relationship.. and now all this stuff, i know he can't help himself and that just makes it harder.

I just never saw this coming, i'm devastated, depressed and pregnant.

homewrecked2011 posted 3/20/2019 19:43 PM

20 years ago I could have written this post. Pregnant, 2 year old, and he says to me on the phone ( I was out of town visiting family) “I hope you don’t mind but I got into your makeup while you were gone” I was stunned. Then I saw stuff on his computer when I got back. He was going to topless bars, etc. I kept blocking it all out bc he was such a great dad, etc. whatever.

Then our kids were 10 and 12 and he walked out the door on our family for the town slut. And he blamed it on me notcwanting sex. My kids were devastated bc everything they knew was suddenly gone.

Please get iIC and get away. It’s a progressive disease. You are looking at the best it will ever be. A life built on a person whose mind lives in another realm.. my kids would have been better off if I raised them alone, my way, my values, and they visited their Dad, and didn’t have their lives jerked out from under them.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:44 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)]

demolishedinside posted 3/20/2019 19:56 PM

A lot of this sounds all too familiar. Please join the ladies on the I Can Relate forum.

homewrecked is right; this may be the best you see. Some do attend meetings and work toward healing, but you will never be the same. There is also likely to be MUCH more that you have not uncovered. Sending you hugs and support. The trauma from finding this all out is so painful and overwhelming.

manofintegrity posted 3/20/2019 21:06 PM

“Great Fathers, Great Partners” do not pull these shenanigans.

Get solid undeniable proof...so he can’t tell you that the multiple OW are just friends or they only talked in her car or he only stroked her face or he drank too much or she seduced him or she doesn’t mean anything to him or you never gave him enough or he just wanted something different or....on and on.

Oh, he can help himself. He just doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to make you his top priority. A good husband and father puts no one before his wife and children. I hope he learns what integrity means really quick, otherwise you are in for a lot of heartbreak.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 3/20/2019 21:57 PM

First off, I am so, so sorry that you are here. None of us wish to be here. Affairs are absolutely devastating. But I have a special place in my heart for those who have also gone through this from this particular perspective.

Secondly, please make sure you are taking care of yourself! Your top priority is to take care of yourself, your toddler, and your growing baby. Your fiance's needs are not your concern right now - you need sleep, water and food to get through this. If it is hard to keep food down (it is for many of us in the discovery phase) please consider protein shakes, bars, smoothies etc. See your doctor if you have any concern for your baby. Many of us have gotten prescription sleep aids to help us through this time, but since you're pregnant and likely can't do that, do everything you can to try to relax. Breathing and mindfulness exercises can help (focusing on sensory things like the whirring of the fan, or the rustling of leaves outside, or how fuzzy your blanket is).

None of us are CSATs (Certified Sex Addiction Therapists) that I know of, but most have enough experience to know it when we hear it. To me, your intuition has led you to the right place.

Please listen to demolishedinside, I would suggest posting this exact same post in the "Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts" thread in the I Can Relate Forum. Or you can ask the Mods to move it for you.

A lot of spouses of sex addicts report that their SA spouse is completely uninterested in sex with them. However there are a good many of us who are in your shoes - with a spouse/partner who harasses you for sex nonstop, and can't even seem to let loving gestures go by without turning them sexual. I can specifically relate to exactly what you are talking about re: the non stop grinding on you, almost setting you up to reject him.

And yes, all of that contact with other women, especially women half his age, is incredibly problematic. But those little abuses against you - the grinding on you, never letting up with badgering you for it - in many ways, those can hurt even more.

Oh, he can help himself. He just doesn’t want to.

Remember that these are his choices, they are not in any way reflective of you or your worth. And yes, even though this may be an addiction, they are still choices. Go to any AA meeting around the country, there are plenty of alcoholics who make the choice every day not to drink, even though they are addicts. SA is less prevalent, but there are plenty of addicts in recovery there as well. Your fiance has a lot of work to do if he wants to prove that he is worthy of your love and commitment. If I were you, one of the requirements I would lay out is him researching and attending an appointment with a CSAT, and continued appointments as you can afford them.

I personally tend to agree with homewrecked that discovering a sex addiction means get out. But I am separated from my XH now, so that can color my perspective. I also understand the impulse to try to work through it, to feel like you did everything you could, because I did that for years as well.

The ladies over in the other forum can help a great deal with tips on how to go about turning things around for yourself. SAnon is highly recommended for you eventually, even if you don't stay with him. My soon-to-be ex and I aren't staying together, and I still go to meetings.

But the thing that will help the most for you right now is counseling. I know it can be hard to justify the cost. Especially as you are preparing for a little one and I'm sure could make a very long list of things you would rather spend your money on than this. But I'm telling you, I spent years dealing with this exact issue - trying to be the understanding and compassionate girlfriend, then fiance, then wife - and the lasting trauma of it is unspeakable. And that is exactly what it is, trauma. If at all possible, find a therapist that your insurance covers that specializes in trauma, and has experience with infidelity.

Also, like manofintegrity said - document, document, document. Start a separate email address. Take pictures of anything you find, and email it to yourself from that email. It can be any tiny little thing. Yes all of the apps, photos, messages with time stamps etc. are important, but also be on the lookout for strange clothing, sex toys etc.

Even if you think you want to R, you're going to want to know that you have all of the evidence you need for a custody battle should you decide to leave him later on.

It is sad to say, but sex addiction is often co-morbid with other addictions. So be on the lookout for other forms of substance abuse as well. Alcohol is a common one. So are uppers like meth, cocaine, and ecstacy. Again, document anything strange that you find, as this will be ammo for you should you need it in custody/child support proceedings. There are often everyday household items that you would not suspect would be related to drug use, but can be used in all sorts of different ways that us non-addicts would never dream of.

Also, getting the proof and saving copies of it for yourself helps you to combat the feeling that you are going crazy when he inevitably tries to gaslight you and convince you these things never happened. I still have pictures on my phone for when I'm spiraling and blaming myself. I use them to remind myself that I am not crazy, that my experience was/is valid.

Your experience is valid, and you are heard!

Cooley2here posted 3/20/2019 22:47 PM

Addiction is addiction. It doesn’t matter which addiction it is. It feels horrible to you because he has degraded what should bring a couple closer together. Remember, to him you are just a warm body. Any warm body, any gender, any age will be at risk to some addicts. They usually escalate.
He is not a great father if he harasses his children’s mother.

nekonamida posted 3/21/2019 06:19 AM

Hrmnz, there are STDs that can harm and even kill your unborn child and if he had his way, he would be putting you and your child's life at risk every single time you have sex with him. There are forms of HPV that cause aggressive cervical cancer and can kill you. No good father puts their wife and child's health and life at risk for sex.

Whatever you do, DO NOT marry him anytime soon. Do not sleep with him until you see a clean STD test.

PieceByPeace posted 3/21/2019 17:13 PM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I have been in your shoes, except we were married. I was pregnant and had a young son. It was horrific. I know the anguish you feel.

He definitely needs help but it doesn't sound like he gets it yet. Have you confronted him yet? If he refuses to get help then you are faced with a difficult decision and I pray you will have clarity of mind, peace of mind, wisdom and discernment as you figure out what to do.

In the meantime, take care of you and your baby...that is most important right now. You will be ok...I was and many others have been, too. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon...but it really does suck and for that I am truly sorry. Stay encouraged and know that things won't always be this way.