SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Shocked0300 posted 3/19/2019 16:48 PM

I’ve been lurking for a bit. This site has helped me so much. I just wish I would have found it sooner. A little backstory. I discovered in mid November that my wife of ten years was involved in an emotional affair for several weeks with an old boyfriend. Reading some of your stories on here makes me feel like my situation is not that serious but it has absolutely devastated me. I have done all the investigation I can by checking google, cell records, gps history. I’m 99% sure it was just emotional from what I’ve found.

What’s tearing me up though is I want to see the messages they exchanged. I caught the tail end of their last exchange and that’s it. They used SMS text and WhatsApp mostly. All the messages were quickly deleted up discovery. Can messages deleted that long ago still be recovered? I just recently learned about recovery software. I’m also not the best with computers.

emergent8 posted 3/19/2019 16:53 PM

Welcome. I'm sorry you're here.

I'll leave the tech stuff to someone more qualified but I just wanted to say that betrayal is betrayal and please do not feel you need to minimize your devastation.

Onthefence2017 posted 3/19/2019 17:14 PM

The messages can be recovered using software called Fonelab.

Do not let her complete a factory reset on the phone.

Please be prepared if the boyfriend lives within driving distance that it may have become physical.

Emotional affairs turn physical fast when participants already have been sexually involved in the past.

Please protect yourself with an audio recorder when you try to recover the messages, wayward spouses have become physical in order to stop that happening in the past.

Robert22205https posted 3/19/2019 17:21 PM

You both should read: Not Just Friends by dr shirley glass. You can buy it used on amazon.

It's based on the study of couples dealing with EA's and PA's and how they start (what boundaries were crossed that led to infidelity).

The book provides a good foundation for discussing what behaviors are appropriate for married couples - and pretty much eliminates any excuses (we're just friends, or you're too controlling).

Marie2792 posted 3/19/2019 17:48 PM

I don’t know if WhatsApp messages can be recovered at all. Texts can be recovered if the memory hadn’t been rewritten during the lapsed time. Four months is iffy. Most times yiubhave to root the phone which usually kids the warranty sonbe careful if you don’t own it.

survrus posted 3/19/2019 18:22 PM

Shocked,

It is absolutely serious, EAs are very powerful, and calling it an EA is usually a misnomer since they involve sending photos and masturbation. And masturbation is physical.

In some ways EAs are more devastating because they are pure fantasy and never result in disappointment.

Recover as much as you can.

Then have your WW write out a detailed timeling, then take her for a polygraph.

Gather all the personal info. on the OM and then expose to everyone that matters in his life, parents, grandparents, wife, SO, work etc.

NorthernMSB posted 3/19/2019 20:13 PM

I have tried absolutely EVERYTHING to retrieve the 1400+ messages that were exchanged between my husband and OW three months ago (DD Christmas Eve ). NOTHING works. I have even combed through the text file of the back up and only found 5 snippets of messages in all the junk symbols basically about him not caring, her asking where I am...and if I ever ask who he is talking to...etc.

I am at a loss too and cannot seem to move on. I am wasting hours and hours searching and trying new methods. At this point my advice is to try a couple third party options and then let it go. I know I have to let it go and move on. Good luck.

1girlsmom posted 3/19/2019 21:23 PM

I made my WH pay $450 to a phone recovery specialist company that attorneys use in our area & they got nothin back in reference to A messages.
There were messages between acquaintances & him but not A texts.
I dont know how that happened but dont count on getting them back.
Its very disappointing.
Im a need to know BW & I'm struggling hard at one year out.

Hang in there, this aint easy.

benomania posted 3/20/2019 06:54 AM

Apparently they can be recovered. He's a possible solution. Get Life360 on both yours and her's phone. It's free.
Explain to her you are worried about her safety.
With this app you can both see where each other is 100% of the time.
I know, it's not healthy.
Neither is trying to recover messages or looking over your shoulder 24/7
Trust me. I've been there.
Somehow you will need to talk to her and re establish trust.
Without it you are doomed.
My issue with her talking to an ex is simple. She's married to YOU. If she wants to talk to someone about her day, etc.... it should be YOU. Or a girlfriend.
There's NO reason for her to talk to him anymore.
Good luck and sorry you are here with the rest of us

manofintegrity posted 3/20/2019 07:47 AM

These are great examples of why you don’t confront a cheater without solid undeniable proof. They will just lie, deny, minimize, blameshift, gaslight and take it further underground. You can try to work on your marriage. If your spouse shows little interest in fixing the issues (yes we all have them), you have three choices. Fight for him or her, divorce or both.

Usually some OM or OW is smoozing them up if they don’t want to work on things. Most likely a coworker/boss, old high school friend, church pastor/acquaintance, gym buddy, law enforcement or neighbor. I know you want to believe that they are “just friends” and no sex happened, but these are not 12 yr olds we are talking about. Men trade emotional time for sex while women do the opposite. Usually neither are interested in marriage, other than destroying yours.

Either way, outing them publicly and especially to the OBS usually takes the fantasy out of the A. If you need help finding out who the little weevil is, hire a PI or DIY. It is not rocket science. It just takes time and money.

You can’t just let it go and move on. That is what your cheating spouses want.

[This message edited by manofintegrity at 7:50 AM, March 20th (Wednesday)]

Limboaz posted 3/20/2019 08:52 AM

Any reconnection with an old flame is extremely worrisome. Since they have already been intimate emotionally and physically, the reconnection can be almost immediate and it can be very powerful.

You didn't mention what kind of phone it is. I used Dr. Fone on an older iPhone (the affair was years ago but we still had her old phone), and I was able to get everything, all deleted text messages, WhatsApp, etc.

I've heard Dr. Fone isn't as good with newer iPhones. Android is a different story. It may be worth it to take the phone to a data recovery specialist.

Shocked0300 posted 3/20/2019 13:04 PM

Thanks for the info so far. The phone is a Google Pixel...so it runs on android.

I tried looking up profession recovery companies but not finding much. Anybody have any suggestions for the Pacific Northwest?

Buster123 posted 3/20/2019 15:43 PM

Like someone else mentioned, try Fonelab since it seems to be better than Dr Fone now.

Buster123 posted 3/20/2019 15:45 PM

Have you confronted her ? if so what is she saying now ? has whe written a timeline of it, have you expose the A with OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) if any ? either way demand she gets tested for STDs (you should too), if not successful recovering the text you may need to polygraph her, also this may not have been her first rodeo.

Shocked0300 posted 3/20/2019 15:58 PM

Yes I confronted her immediately when I found the messages. I wish I would have had my mind right at the time to do a proper investigation. After the confrontation I was playing catch up. I contacted his wife right away and blew that up. The other guys wife started digging as well too.

We are both in marriage counseling and individual counseling. We are moving in the right direction but I can’t take my mind off these dang messages that I wasn’t able to read. I want to see them to put the rest of the puzzle together.

manofintegrity posted 3/20/2019 16:12 PM

Hope she’s worth spending $1,000...mine and our two kids were.

Get yourself a gps tracker for her car.

Get a trail cam or three for your driveway and inside house, under a table. Motion sets them off, ie door opening. They record video for 3 minutes. Day night capability.

Get a var put under her dash or seat. Sound turns it on. She knows you are on to her. You can bet Mr. Charm & Charisma has bought her a $100 burner “f#€k” phone.

Does she work? If so, they are going to hookup during lunch, after work or while she is “shopping”. GPS good for this.

If she’s not worth fighting for, just go spend the $1500 and divorce. Did that too$$$! In the end, the arrogant predator preacher got busted after 8 years of games in church. We are doing very well after 20+ mo R. It takes two and both better want it bad.

[This message edited by manofintegrity at 5:48 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)]

Ag123 posted 3/22/2019 21:48 PM

I have tried Dr. Fone and several others with no luck. The frustrating part is that if you enter keywords in the spotlight search on the iPhone it will show part of the texts in the search results. But from everything I have read they are phantom texted and don't exist anymore.

Stevesn posted 3/22/2019 22:50 PM

Hopefully Fonelab or professionals can get the real messages for you.

In the meantime, as an exercise, ask her to recreate some of the most salacious messages for you as if she’s writing them to him again.

If she’s truly in it for you, and no longer pining away for him, she’ll do it for you.

Let her know that you want her to be as accurate as possible to the real thing. Using the real words they said to each other.

Call bullshit if she says she cannot remember.

Marz posted 3/22/2019 23:07 PM

If the other man is married inform his wife.

Wool94 posted 3/23/2019 09:18 AM

I'm sorry you are here, but if she's deleting messages, it is probably not just an EA.

Most people don't even know what an EA is.

People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Hell, I had no idea about anything to do with affairs before the bomb was dropped on me.

I would be more vigilant. Place a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car and your bedroom. If she's cheating they'll probably talk while she's in the car or alone.