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Am I being too sensitive?

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neverhavethought posted 3/19/2019 07:18 AM

I posted back in January that my wife had given me the ILYBINILWY speech and she had told me she had feelings for someone else.

Since then we've agreed to seperate and she's filed for divorce which I have agreed to.

We agreed not to see anyone else until we were living apart (we still live together in seperate rooms).

I've recently found out she kissed a guy on a night out and has been sending him and another guy messages that I quite frankly find disgusting telling them what she'd like to do with them. I only found this out though by checking her messages. I tried to confront her by telling her she'd been seen but she just denied it and I can't prove I know she's lying without telling her I've been snooping. I know I did a pretty low thing by looking and I wish I hadn't but I just needed to know one way or the other.

My question is now, am I being too sensitive (these messages only started after she told me it was over although technically we're still married and live under the same roof) and what should I do?

tushnurse posted 3/19/2019 07:35 AM

You are D'ing?

If that's the case, stop snooping, and stop interacting w/ her. It's over, I realize that is a hard thing to accept and it's even harder to read the shit she is texting others, but she isn't your problem any longer.
Infidelity doesn't count in most states these days, so having proof doesn't serve a purpose.

Focus on you. Remember that you never caused any of this. She is doing this because she is a broken person. You can't fix this or change it.

Get some IC, pick up a new hobby or join a club or sports team do something to get interaction with other people and spend less time in your home w/ her. It will help you to start healing.

manofintegrity posted 3/19/2019 07:55 AM

She is still your wife until the divorce is final. She filed for divorce to excuse her cheating. She is sleeping separate to prevent your spying and to not feel guilty about her A. Most cheaters pull this stunt. You have the right to snoop all you want. At least she told you she had feelings for someone else. My WW had her married predator preacher putting the moves on her, wanting to get physical about the time I was asked to move out. I turned into my own PI and got solid proof a month later. My mistake was not confronting her lover and taking proof to his wife/church and outing publicly immediately.

These womanizers have the goal of getting in your wife’s pants without any consequences. Your wife is loving the attention and boost to her self esteem so she does not want them to stop. She’s in the fog. Believe me, adults don’t get together to talk and kiss once. She has given and received oral and done things and in places she has never done with you. I promise! Once the word gets out that your wife is vulnerable and up for grabs, all of the cheating low-life men’s ears perk up. We had our married sheriff, old married high school friends, other married church members and total strangers contacting her.

If your wife is talking sex to these two smucks, she has most likely already been physical with them or others. If not, she will be soon. If she is worth fighting for like mine was, I’d play it cool while I gathered information. Do not move out. You do have access to phone records right?. If her car is in your name, install a var under seat and gps tracker under car. Install another var at home where she would talk when you are gone (your bedroom). She will be hooking up with these guys during her lunch breaks, on “sick days” that you are unaware of, after work in the woods, in the work parking lot, at his house, etc. Get two good trail cams for at home, as these men like to bed their women in your wife’s car and your own bed. Anywhere different and exciting and where they can rub it in your face. Get proof and bust all three of them to their family, neighbors, workplace, friends, on billboards, on magnetic car signs, on chloroplast yard signs, post office, restaurants, schools, churches, etc. These predators like attention, ya gotta give it to them. No warnings! Keep calm and don’t do anything illegal.

Remember most men are, have been or will be cheaters/predators and will be against any public exposure. Most women put up with these types of serial-cheating men, so you won’t find support there either. Especially don’t look for advice from men in positions of power, trust and authority or the “leaders” of your community. 25% of our pastors are into these shenanigans right in their own churches.

Bust them ASAP or you can wait until all of these cheating boys are finished with her and she’ll come running back to you, her plan B. She will find out that sex was all they were interested in. She failed to communicate her needs with you and did with these smucks instead. She has told them how “unhappy” she is and of course they are too in their own marriage. It is not your fault. This poor choice is hers.

Or you can be a man of integrity, work on being a better man for you and that next woman. Divide assets evenly. Move out ASAP. Wait until the divorce is over to start dating or she will just use that against you to all of her friends and family. “See he had someone else all along”. If you don’t have children, and a long marriage together, walk away fast.

[This message edited by manofintegrity at 7:03 AM, March 21st (Thursday)]

NeverHealed posted 3/19/2019 07:59 AM

Dude,

You want the marriage; she doesn't.
You want her; she doesn't want you.
You don't want her seeing, screwing other men; she can't wait to get started.

This isn't about what's wrong with you; it's about what's wrong with her, and you can't fix her. She can only fix herself, but she has to want to do that.

Kids?

If not, move out, or kick her out, and move on.

I don't know the first thing about you, but I can promise you this: you can do better than her.

Dismayed2012 posted 3/19/2019 08:25 AM

What tushnurse and NeverHealed said.

She's moved on. It's time you did too. Separate if you can. Don't delay or allow delays in getting the divorce finalized as quickly as possible. As long as you're married to the cheater, you're liable. Get yourself free ASAP. Sorry about your situation. I wish the best for you.

allusions posted 3/19/2019 10:32 AM

It's very difficult emotionally to live under the same roof while divorcing, especially knowing she's seeing other people. If you have to live together during this process you should probably avoid her as much as possible. Find things to occupy your spare time. Go out with friends. Find hobbies and activities that are fun. Only discuss with her finances and things related to the divorce.

I hope you are seeing an individual counselor to help you through this.

FEEL posted 3/19/2019 12:15 PM

If she has filed and you have agreed it seems like it's over and time to move on. You can't turn feeling off all of a sudden and it may be challenging to see your M come to an end. That said, what good can come from you knowing what she's doing if you've agreed to go your separate ways? Start focusing on you.

Jsmart posted 3/19/2019 12:29 PM

You need to get busy about starting a new life without her. You need to do a 180 so you can detach from her. Snooping will only bring you pain.

Yes it would be nice if she had enough honor and dignity to wait for the D to finalize or at the very least be discreet but you already know you're dealing with a cheating whore. Now it's just out in the open.

Work on becoming the best version of yourself. Not to impress her but for your own benefit. Hit the gym and get your clothes, hygiene, hair, beard, etc on point. Once again, this is for you. Liking what you see in the mirror will strengthen you from the effects of her flaunting her whoring in your face.

The1stWife posted 3/19/2019 21:04 PM

You would think she would have more class and respect.

I guess not.

So sorry for you 😢

WhiteWolfWinning posted 3/20/2019 08:45 AM

It is very hard to let go, even after you have agreed to divorce.
But letting go is the only way to heal.
You are not being too sensitive, you are being human. This is a normal part of the grief process. However, you have to protect your heart by moving forward and taking care of yourself.
Keep coming here for support. We are here for you.
Wolf

manofintegrity posted 3/20/2019 09:07 AM

I went through the same bs as you NHT. What did I do? I busted the preacher’s ass publicly. At the time my WW was a little upset. Now, nearly two years later, my wife respects me and is proud of what I did. Even if we had not R, I had to do what was right. If we couldn’t save our marriage, I sure as hell was not going to let that POS prey on any more women in our community. Any local woman, like the fool living with him now, knows that he is a psychopathic serial-cheater. I don’t want to hear another woman say, “I didn’t know he was that way or he is a great man of god”. I tell every person I meet. That is the consequences boys.

A year or two from now, how do you want to look back on how you handled this situation? You going to let your wife and these POS get away with it and allow them to go on pulling their shenanigans on the next “unhappy married woman”?

Sure, you will get dirty looks from some men for not siding with the 75% that are in the “brotherhood of cheaters”. Oh well. I get a whole bunch more men and women that are proud of me too.

[This message edited by manofintegrity at 10:11 AM, March 20th (Wednesday)]

Jduff posted 3/20/2019 11:04 AM

I tried to confront her by telling her she'd been seen but she just denied it and I can't prove I know she's lying without telling her I've been snooping. I know I did a pretty low thing by looking and I wish I hadn't but I just needed to know one way or the other.

There's nothing wrong with snooping, especially when the situation impacts you or your loved ones directly. You have a right to be aware of any pending actions or decisions that will impact you. The shame of snooping is often brought on by perpetrators of those actions/decisions that are against your best interest. It is their defense mechanism to claim "right of privacy" to keep you from pursuing the truth further. Now, I say this with respect to the next relationship you have after your D finalizes and not with your situation now. There is no point in snooping on your STBXW anymore as it is heading to a conclusion that will not change no matter what is learned as a result of your reconnaissance efforts.

neverhavethought, you are seeing your STBXW for who she really is. Believe her through her actions. Do you have children together? If not, then you go start doing things apart from your STBXW. You are allowed to have a life of your own as well so no need to remain in the household while your STBXW rubs her dating around in your face. If you do have kids then you should work with your attorney to do whatever you can to get physical separation.

neverhavethought posted 3/20/2019 11:43 AM

Hi all. Thanks for the great advice. I’ve taken copies of messages she sent to friends admitting what she’s done- now I won’t look again.

For info, we have three children and currently can’t sell the house as it needs some renovation: hopefully be complete by the summer. The guy she kissed is just a random she met on a night out so I don’t think there is anything to “name and shame”.

I think the fact she has done this and then denied it has shown me the person I think I’ve known for a while she is which helps. It just makes me so angry to think of another man with his grubby lips on her but I guess that’s just what I need to get used to.

NeverHealed posted 3/20/2019 12:31 PM

For me, at least, kids change everything.

Forget my previous advice.

For the kids sake, you have to try to save the marriage.

Talk to her. Remind her of the children. Does she really want shared custody, swapping on weekends, new men in their lives, stepfather?

Maybe she'll come to her senses.

Sigh.

neverhavethought posted 3/20/2019 12:44 PM

She told me last year she wanted to separate. I tried everything I could to get her to change her mind but she’s fallen in with a b!tch crowd of other divorced mums and she’s decided that’s what she wants so now she’s filed.

I would have and did do everything I could to save the marriage but it was too late (and yes, I have played a part of at least 50% of the marriage breaking down, not in infidelity but in not trying before she said it was over).

NeverHealed posted 3/20/2019 13:36 PM

If you don't have a lawyer, get one.

You may be able to protect the kids from the lifestyle she has in mind.

A lawyer might tell you to keep snooping.

Bigger posted 3/20/2019 13:43 PM

My suggestion is to speed the divorce as much as you can.
The house and renovations? It’s only an excuse. Of course you can sell the house the way it is. It might lower the price but since renovations cost it usually more-or-less equals out.

Divorce per se is the technical part of dissolving a marriage. The decision has already been reached and although it would be in good taste and help with an amicable divorce her actions are not of your concern.

AbandonedGuy posted 3/20/2019 15:13 PM

Cold advice from a cold heart.

Don't worry about the kids. The kids will be fine. You know what I remember vividly from my youth? How much my mom and dad fucking hated each other. Even when they weren't outwardly arguing, the tension was palpable. Kids sense this shit. It's perfectly normal, and frankly a bit too common, to jump on the "stay together for the kids" fallacy. That's fine if both people want to make it work. If one doesn't, you need to move on. It's like trying to shackle a wild dog to your leg that you have to continuously stave off with a chair and whip and you wonder why your kids grow up being afraid of rottweilers. People are too quick to underestimate what little sponges they are. Show them what a healthy marriage looks like and what boundaries look like by ditching this human trashcan and finding a stepmom worth a damn--or just being a single dad who kicks ass for his kids.

If you're going to snoop for anything, make sure it helps your legal battle ahead. Snooping is fine now that she's drawn the line and labeled you The Opposition. And DO NOT TELL HER WHAT YOU FIND. Don't play nice. Be polite, be cordial, put on your best fake happy face in front of her, but cover your ass. She stopped playing by the rules and so should you. Do it for your kids. You know which parent tends to care more about their kids? The one who isn't a betraying assclown who whores him/herself around town to distract themselves from their imploding marriage and mid-life crisis bullshit. Usually those types aren't so reliable, at least during this period of time.

Living under the same roof with this shitshow will continue to be a nightmare. Your best bet at healing and rebuilding will result from quickly resolving this via divorce. Best of luck to you, man.

manofintegrity posted 3/20/2019 18:25 PM

It doesn’t matter since she’s hellbent on D, but she is minimizing. Sure she only kissed him once. She told her friends a story that would sound good when you read it. She is just another unremorseful cheater that doesn’t want outed publicly. Good luck.

tushnurse posted 3/20/2019 18:47 PM

I have to agree with Bigger. She is done. No matter what you want she doesn't want to be M period.
Get an attorney if you dont have one. Do the best you can to get at least 50% of your time with your kids.
Do whatever you have to to sell the house. You are in a great situation right now as it is a great time to sell. Sell as is with a discount and disclosure as to whatever is wrong. Getting out of the current hell you a d your kids are in is worth it to have the financial loss on the home.

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