SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Indecisive1 posted 3/16/2019 13:14 PM

I thought I had found the worst when I found out he was cheating while I was carrying his child.

After 5 weeks of trickle truths, I feel confident that I have the full truth now. And sadly, it is that this was not the first time.
Today my WH admitted to a ONS two years ago. At the time, I thought it was “just a kiss.” I excus3d it as the worst thing he was capable of- a drunken make out.

I don’t know where to go from here. I took solace in the fact that I hadn’t slept with him since his most recent affair. But two years.... we have conceived a child since then.

I’m grieving for my unborn son. That this is the father I chose for him. That I thought we had a marriage that would set him up for successful relationships in the future.

I’m grieving for the life I had envisioned. A life of excitement and love. Having lots of babies in a big happy home.

This pregnancy has been robbed from me. He has stolen my family ideal. My hopes and dreams are crushed. I’m devastated that I meant so little to someone who was my whole world.

I’m such a fool for falling for it. Where do I go from here?

Indecisive1 posted 3/16/2019 13:18 PM

He says I don’t deserve this, he says he knows how wrong he was. He wants me to be happy and understands that is probably without him. He is in counseling.

I want to believe that this is a nightmare but I don’t know how to wake up from it.

Indecisive1 posted 3/16/2019 13:22 PM

This is the text I just received from my WH

I have been selfish over the time I have known you. I have only thought about myself every step of the way. I have loved you from the wedding in North Carolina when you hit your head. You’re kind thoughtful and loving. I never deserved such love and took it for granted. I have stolen everything away from you and tricked lied to you. I have ruined this pregnancy and your plans. I have brought dishonor to myself and to our son. Seeing you in pain has brought me so much anguish it’s hard to breathe. All I want to do is inflict pain to myself so I maybe could feel your pain. I want you to know that I still want to be a family and I want to be with you because I do love you. I want to continue to seek help. I understand you might not want to talk to me and I respect that. I will no longer contact you until you’re ready to speak to me. This is on your terms and you’re in control. I have stolen everything else from you.

goalong posted 3/16/2019 13:37 PM

Wish you all the mental strength to over come this betrayal. One day later in your life you will be happy to have a loving son to stand by you. This is the lowest level of cheating one can think of. His letter is evasive. Regardless of how you respond he should keep contacting you if he is really remorseful (unless you specifically asked not to). Please keep your loved ones around you for support and I think it is better to let your family know of his immoral act.
If you want to reconcile give him the conditions he has to follow like access to his phones, details of OW, his whereabouts etc.

Shockedmom posted 3/16/2019 14:02 PM

I am so sorry that he has failed so spectacularly as a husband and father. I hope you have been tested as that previous encounter was likely unprotected. You and your child deserve so much better.

He does seem to be owning his choices and the pain he has inflicted. Take your time and decide what is best for you. Have you shared this with family for additional support IRL?

Oftencheatedon posted 3/16/2019 15:03 PM

I’m just so sorry you are going thru this.

But I’m going to give you some practical advice. As a pregnant woman you are free to move and live elsewhere - even across the country.

After you have the baby you will not be able to leave where you are now without leaving your child (unthinkable). A dear friend of mind moved far away to a state that she does not like. She gave up a fabulous career and family ties. Her husband divorced her to marry his bimbo. She is literally trapped for the next 15 years. It’s a small place and she runs into the cheaters every time she turns around. She has little money and the cost of living is ridiculous.

If you move to where you would prefer to be if you end up divorced you can always move back if you decide to reconcile. The opposite is not true. So think hard about what if it doesn’t work out. Of course this may not apply to you at all.

You do not have to make a decision now on R or D. You probably shouldn’t. But just protect yourself.

Indecisive1 posted 3/16/2019 17:48 PM

Thank you all for your advice. This is by far harder than anything I’ve been through.

I hate that every choice has been taken from me. My plans for this pregnancy, delivery, experience. Now I’m stuck living in my parents house, feeling like a child myself as I prepare for one of the biggest moments of life. I hate that he is reckless and selfish.

ChamomileTea posted 3/16/2019 21:19 PM

This pregnancy has been robbed from me. He has stolen my family ideal. My hopes and dreams are crushed.

Sometimes, it's really helpful to reframe your thoughts. And that's hard to do when you're traumatized and feeling vulnerable. But the first step to that can be writing down your thoughts (much as you have above), checking them for veracity, looking for the things you can change or control and letting go of the things you can't.

Take this snippet from above... Yes, your family ideal has been unarguably altered. No matter what happens next, whether your marriage recovers or not, it's never going to be the idyllic fairy tale. So, even though we grieve, that's something which goes in the dustbin of things we can never change. Believe me, I know how much that sucks. Suddenly, the love story we thought we had, the pride we felt in it... binned.

So, this particular version of "hopes and dreams" gets left behind. But this isn't the only hope or only dream you'll ever have. We tend to lend ourselves to catastrophic thinking when we're injured. Other hopes and other dreams will come along. The problem is that when we're so bogged down in hurt and fear, we can't see the possibilities yet. Have faith than the pain will lessen and a new path will present itself... because it will. R or D, it doesn't matter. The road forward will clarify in time.

In terms of your pregnancy... I'm an older gal and my kids are up in their 20's, but I still remember the magic of being a new mom. No one can spoil that for you unless you allow it. It's falling in love in a way you've never experienced before. Trust that when your little guy arrives, he's going to be perfect, he's going to be yours, and your heart will be so full that even you won't believe you ever thought anything could ruin it. You'll be tired, and your relationship drama will still feel messy, unresolved, and painful... but your heart will be full to overflowing.

((big hugs))

Sunshine184 posted 3/16/2019 22:36 PM

Continue to take care of you. You and you’re baby are whats most important. Think ‘calm’, you’re precious baby feels your calmness, your love for him. When it comes down to it, in pregnancy, labour and delivery, it is your journey with your body as you bring him into the world. It is powerful and it is yours to experience. Focus on this, you and your son will be fine!
The message you received from your wayward had a lot of ‘I’. He’s still focused on himself. He needs IC in the biggest way. Don’t give a second of thought to him right now. He needs to fix himself. That is not your problem
So proud of you for distancing yourself and focusing on what is truly important. Take special care of yourself ((hugs))
We’re a lot of moms here. We have SI advice and mom advice too 😊. You’re going on an amazing adventure with your son.

fareast posted 3/16/2019 23:04 PM

Indecisive1:

I am sorry you are enduring this during your oregnancy. You are still in shock from the recent revelations, but please take care of yourself and your baby as your first priority. You will have plenty of time to decide your future course of your M, R or D. If your WH is remorseful he will help you. ChamomileTea has given you a great perspective. Although things seem dire right now, there are better days ahead. Be patient. Try not to give in to catastrophic thinking. Good luck.

pureheartkit posted 3/16/2019 23:50 PM

I'm happy for you that you have a family to help you and not alone somewhere scared. Tell your family you love them and know your baby will be loved always no matter what.

Indecisive1 posted 3/17/2019 02:26 AM

Thank you all for this insight.

I just want to be in my own home, with my own doctors, my former plans.

I keep playing back our entire relationship. Where did it go wrong? There was definitely a time where I felt less safe. Was that the beginning? Or the beginning of the end?

And how will I ever find out what I truly want when all I hear is everyone else’s opinions?

Indecisive1 posted 3/17/2019 11:11 AM

Just another update.

He seems to be “getting it” to some extent. At least in terms of coming clean. I feel so detached at this point- numb to his words.

He now says that he has had a porn problem for years... since before even meeting me. I’ve never found him masturbating. I’ve never seen porn on phone or computer. But it does explain a lot in the way of sexual requests that he has made.

On the note of contacting me. Yesterday in the text I copied above, he said he would not contact me to respect my space. He has been trying to call, I can’t answer. I have no desire. He’s sent countless texts saying a lot of what I ve been waiting to hear over the last 5 weeks. In light of the news of his other affair ( the ONS), I just don’t care. They don’t mean the same to me.

All I keep thinking about is the time I spent alone, wishing he was there with me, missing him. I know exactly where I was the night of his one night stand and I know where I was for the several weeks he was sleeping with someone on his work trip.
I was alone, trying to carry on OUR life, thinking of OUR future. And I wasn’t even a passing thought in his mind.

It suddenly all fell together. Every issue that he made such a big deal of over the last two years (since his ONS) was nothing... he created the problems to justify his behavior. To lessen the quilt. I was constantly wondering how I was failing to meet his expectations when I was giving EVERYTHING I HAVE into it. It was never enough. I said this constantly.
He let me believe it was all me. He MADE me believe it.

He fought with me about not making enough money. Or about the one month I wasn’t working when we moved cross country for his job... how it really screwed us financially that I “wasn’t working”. I quickly got promoted and stopped working weekends. He always refers to me “working weekends until recently “ as a reason for us not going out and spending one on one time together.

All the support I’ve given him and not received in return. The unconditional love that I have never felt. It wasn’t in my head. I just wish he was man enough to come clean about it then. Maybe it could have been saved before more damage was done. But now, I’m left questioning my future. I feel tricked into conceiving this child under false pretense. I had no choice, I didn’t know who I was with or what he was capable of.

PricklePatch posted 3/17/2019 11:58 AM

It has never been a lack of you. He is the one who is broken. Here is the rub, his words are interesting it’s his actions you need to see.

Is he leaving voice messages, that tell the emergency of why he is already trying to contact you.

Chamomile is right! My dream of having a baby didn’t turn out the way I had ima :eyes imaged it. We ended up adopting a newborn states away. She came early, my husband stayed behind and I went alone due to his mentally ill mother. But the instant I held her was magical, like nothing I have ever experienced. I chose to remember the magic not being alone.

Indecisive1 posted 3/17/2019 12:03 PM

Hi pricklepatch- no voice messages only texts. I get the sense that it is just now hitting him how royalty he screwed up.

I know that in the end the baby will be here and I need to let go of how I thought that would go. It just feels like another thing taken from from me. A little easier to pinpoint than everything else.

BrokenGiant posted 3/17/2019 17:43 PM

Hello,

Firstly so sorry to to have found yourself here, but this is one of the best things that could have happened otherwise.

As a BS, right after d-day, we all experience shock. We realise that all we had, our dreams, expectations, the lives we all had planned have suddenly crumbled down. This is perfectly normal, you are not alone in feeling this. We all went through this, we all got hurt. And that's okay, we are entitled to it. If we must cry it out, then do so, find a way to safely release and cope up with the shock.
I realise that you are with child, do take extra care of yourself and the little wee one inside. Remember this, NONE IF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. The Healing Library has lots of topics, you can browse through them at your convenience. As partners and spouses in a relationship, we are responsible for our own 50% of the issues that arise from it. BUT when a party has an A, they take 100% responsibility for it. You have no part in it because it was their conscious decision to take part in an A. There is no such thing as "you made me do this", there is only "you did this to us and yourself" Each partner always has a chance and an opportunity. A's only exist because both parties take what is offered up to them. Why do they do it, or partake in it? That is their weakness, and their issue that they need to resolve. You job now is to take care of yourself. Find a healthy distraction, find a trusted friend you can talk to. A family member for support always helps. NEVER EVER BLAME YOURSELF as the cause of the A. It is, was and never will be you who caused it.
We send you strength my dear, know that you are not alone and that there are thousands who have walked this same path you are walking. We are here for you to listen and give you support as much as we can. This too, shall pass.

Namaste

Indecisive1 posted 3/17/2019 19:15 PM

Thank you for your support. It’s a great help to not feel so alone and to have a child mmunity to turn to for advice and insight.

millionpieces posted 3/18/2019 21:48 PM

WS’s behaviours:

1) very cold and treated the kids and I like a commodity so when it suited his purpose we were a family, but when it was an inconvenience he would say he was busy

2) he stopped calling and texting me wouldn’t answer his callls or texts

3) treated the home like a hotel going in and out as he lpleased

4) physically he didn’t want to be intimate and never hugged or kissed me

5) always on his phone and wouldn’t participate in other functions citing being tired or just being a jerk

6) pick fights on special occasions like bdays, anniversaries, holidays

7) everything was about him and his short tempered ness

My behaviours:

1) my gut instinct said something was going on and I confknfed him a few times which he completely denied we had some few doozies where I point blank accused him and called a bluff that I knew and he still denied it

2) confided in bff that I thought he was cheating but I couldn’t prove it

3) just nagging feelings that wouldn’t go away

4) felt anxious and rejected

newlife03 posted 3/18/2019 22:54 PM

I'm so sorry. What should be a wonderful and joyful time in your life has collapsed into fear and pain. But I hope you can still find some joy in your pregnancy and cherish every kick and jab into your ribs.

I'm not sure that making any permanent decisions right now would be wise. The whole affair business is hard enough without considering a pregnancy. Lots of individual counseling would be beneficial. And if you're willing, maybe marital. But only if you want to save your marriage. Again, I'm so sorry.

Indecisive1 posted 3/19/2019 05:13 AM

Thank you newlife.

I keep holding myself to this timing issue. But realistically, I am open to MC. I chose my husband to shar my life with and I’m not in a place to reimagine that.

It’s just so difficult when all I hear is my family telling me what I terrible idea tha5 is and how he is not likely to change. I don’t want to make a mistake.