SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Unbelievable35 posted 3/15/2019 16:19 PM

Some of you may remember my post last summer. I found out that my wife had been cheating on me with my best friend who happened to also be my boss at work. They were having a full blown affair for 9 months. We did our best to reconcile and got to a place in September/October where things seemed normal again and we were happy. The sexual aspect of our marriage was severely lacking however. This is when we bumped into another old friend of mine whom I was friends with for 5 years when we lived in another state. He had just moved near us. We all started hanging out quite often and they hooked up. I know to most this sounds insane but I was ok with it. Desperate to keep my family together and the life I knew intact. Perhaps something to do with the fact I was prescribed heavy doses of different medications after D-Day #1. They couldn't get enough of each other, and the more I tried to intervene the more she pulled away.

Long story short, she ended up moving out with him in January (on my birthday) and left me with everything. The house, three kids, three dogs, everything. I felt very overwhelmed with emotions and responsibilities, it's honestly a surprise I made it through that time. She told me she wanted divorce and we agreed to split things up cordially. Fast forward nearly two months, and now she has been asking for more...and more...to which I gave in. And now she has lawyered up, which is where I am now. I can only assume she is coming after everything she can.

I am making this post in hopes to receive mental support and logical advice. I know many of you have gone through this process and I need all my ammunition ready for a war which seems very close. Please, any advice at all would be tremendously helpful. Thank you.

[This message edited by Unbelievable35 at 4:21 PM, March 15th (Friday)]

dontsaylovely posted 3/15/2019 16:53 PM

First of all this is NOT your fault.

Have you seen an attorney? Why should she get to up the division of assets when she abandoned you?

I am so sorry this has happened to you but obviously she wanted out. Not because of anything you did. But fair is fair in separation of assets and sounds like she's trying to change the game. Protect your assets and get a legal agreement in place now.

Shockedmom posted 3/15/2019 17:25 PM

I’m sorry things have gone badly.

You need your own attorney ASAP.
You need IC.
You need to read up on codependency.

You deserve more and she is taking huge advantage of you. Stop being a nice guy and protect yourself.

Please go back to The Healing Library.

[This message edited by Shockedmom at 5:51 PM, March 15th (Friday)]

NoOptTo posted 3/15/2019 17:26 PM

You should post this in seperation/divorce section. You will get plenty of great advice there.

northeasternarea posted 3/15/2019 17:49 PM

See a lawyer immediately.

Buster123 posted 3/15/2019 17:51 PM

Consult a pitbull D attorney TODAY !!! she's been walking all over you, please stop allowing her, you can't nice her back it never works, prepare for war, file for D first that way you control the process, have her served without warning, check to see if you live in an at fault state, again call a couple of attorneys to know your legal options, you kept the kids, she's the one that should pay you child support.

Chrysalis123 posted 3/15/2019 17:54 PM

Hello. I’m sorry you are here. To survive infidelity you will need to behave in a way that is uncomfortable for you.

Your ex is used to bullying and calling the shots. You think being nice is a wonderful quality and it is.

However, your nice-o-meter has gone loco. It’s way out of balance.

Time to get it in balance. Do you want to know how to do that?

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 5:56 PM, March 15th (Friday)]

tushnurse posted 3/15/2019 18:36 PM

U35
Logical methodical advice and support
1. Attorney get one that specializes in Men that want their kids. It's a Friday so you have the weekend to do some research. Cordell and Cordell come to mind. In the meantime you need to put together a calendar and spreadsheet of everything you can the times you have the kids without her, the days you missed work because a kid was sick. Vet bills, dr bills, clothes, groceries, all of it. Why because dissolution of a M is generally 50/50 split. She walked out so a judge needs to see that you have been supporting the kids.
The lawyer will want a full account of all Bill's and assets. get it together and organized.
2. Stop communicating with her. She will only cause you more pain and heartache.
3. Get into an IC for dealing with your CoD issues and finding your strength. If your employer has an EAP you can usually get an appt within 24 hours.
4. Know that none of this is your fault and you cannot fix her or it. She is a broken person. You are a great man and your kids are lucky to have you.
5. Read no more mr nice guy.

Keep reading and posting

BBBD posted 3/15/2019 19:03 PM

There has to be more to the story. Moms don’t randomly get up and leave behind their kids. Fog yes. But then they come around. Is your wife on meds? Has she been diagnosed? Any abuse (childhood) with her?

manofintegrity posted 3/15/2019 19:04 PM

I would have outed your one “friend” and your WW last summer to everyone within 50 miles, all family, friends, coworkers, bank, post office, neighbors. One reason cheaters repeat their game is due to no consequences. Now, I’d out them all three. Then Divorce her and never look back. She was just being nice when she didn’t want you investigating her cheating.

The1stWife posted 3/16/2019 05:36 AM

There are times in life I wonder “who the bleep did you marry?” Because this woman sounds like a brazen cheater and now is out for blood.

I hope you have a Shark of an attorney. You appear to be an honest and fair person who is being taken advantage of by a soon to be ex wife (STBXW).

She appears to have been inflicting emotional pain on you for quite sometime. I hope you have a good support system in place for you.

It appears your STBXW has no issue with making this Divorce ugly. I hope an attorney can fairly represent you so you are not cheated by her.

I hope you understand her choice to cheat has nothing to do with you or your marriage but everything to do with her choice to cheat.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:50 AM, March 16th (Saturday)]

Dragonfly123 posted 3/16/2019 09:59 AM

Unbelievable... you have been abundantly kind and understanding for the sake of your family. It is time that came to an end. Put on the male equivalent of the metaphorical bitch boots (workman boots with steel caps), and lace those bad boys up! It’s time to draw a very clear line on the sand. I entirely agree with BBBD her behaviour is screaming some kind of mental health problem but that is NOT your responsibility. Your responsibility is to steady the ship for yourself and for those lovely children of yours. You are the sane safe secure parent, be that in bucket loads. Get yourself some legal advice ASAP, don’t trust ANYTHING she says. Go NC apart from money and children. Seek the advice of the wonderful people on the separation and divorce thread.

Good luck and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this.

Unbelievable35 posted 3/17/2019 14:38 PM

Thank you for all the wonderful information and advice. My main concern right now is the kids. They have been staying with me except every other weekend they will spend Friday and Saturday night with WW. Problem for me is, WW moved in with her boyfriend into an apartment. I've been made aware that WW has been receiving harassments and perhaps threats from BOTH wives of the OM. I do not feel comfortable with my children staying there any longer. What rights do I have legally? I am going to speak with my lawyer tomorrow morning, but it is important I know this tonight before speaking with her.

Zamboni posted 3/17/2019 15:25 PM

Hey Unbelievable,

I am really, realky sorry for your situation.

My brother’s best friend had something similar happen to him — WW just up and left kids, husband, and house. Never came back.

You have already gotten a lot of good advice. IC for you and the kids should be a top priority.

Find out your legal rights and proceed from there. Document every single thing that happens — if she contacts the kids, any attempts she makes to see them.

Do you have some family or close friends that can help you with the kids?

You are not alone. Lots of us here were abruptly left with a gigantic mess to clean up.

((( )))

Cooley2here posted 3/17/2019 16:20 PM

Lawyer ASAP.

Unbelievable35 posted 3/17/2019 16:46 PM

Ok. Just want to make a couple things clear. Firstly, I did lawyer up a couple weeks ago. It's just at that time my WW told me she was going to stick to the original agreement of leaving my retirement alone and not seek alimony. Once again, I trusted her, only to find her breaking her word. I know... When will I learn. Now I am all out, balls to the wall. No more games. That is why I am here seeking advice on do's and dont's. Like, I don't know if she is legally able to have the kids stay overnight at her boyfriends house if I do not agree with it. Hopefully my lawyer will answer that in the morning. There are many things I do not think of ahead of time, and again, that's why I am here.

Unbroken78 posted 3/17/2019 16:49 PM

Brother,

When it's time to get out of hell, the first thing you have to see is who's the devil and what are they doing to destroy you.

See reality for what it is. Your M is done. Your WW is vile and is not your friend. She is the enemy and will gleefully destroy you, dancing in your blood as you turn grey.

Next, take action. Fear is paralysis. Action defeats fear. Take decisive action. 180 her hard...and long term. No more talking, just actions.

Lawyer, and go full on...full custody, full parental control, all of it. She is whoreventuring...not parenting.

Pay the lawyer to do what must be done and go radio silent on the rest.

If you don't fight back, you will be destroyed. There is nothing noble about being passive. Fight back.

RocketRaccoon posted 3/18/2019 05:17 AM

U35,

Are you able to get a RO on your WW's AP? or at least some form of legal document that does not allow your kids to be in contact with your WW's AP?

Would suggest that part of the D conditions, is that your kids are not to be introduced to prospective partners (your WWs and yours) for at lease a year (or however short/long you want to make it).

Was going to suggest that you have a sit down discussion with your WW about exposing your kids to her AP, but I would think that would be as good as spitting into the wind.

Jduff posted 3/18/2019 11:07 AM

Unbelievable35, what exactly does your lawyer say on the matter?

I can tell you there is "no minimal cost with maximum outcome" approach to dealing with this. It sounds like your WW has some personality disorder and there is no rationalizing with folks like that in situations like yours. This is going to take some money to deal with.

Speaking of which, how much is that so called friend of yours set financially? I'm willing to bet that your WW walking back on her promise to leave your retirement alone and not seek alimony is in part having to do with your so called friend not wanting to be financially strapped with your crazy assed WW and a pending divorce. You should start reaching out to those OM's wives to get some recon on their financial positions. Knowing that and understanding each affected party's motivations will help you and your attorney formulate a strategy going forward. Now, do you know you have an attorney that's ready to go to battle for you or did you get one that just does divorces on the side. My XW hired a criminal attorney who did easy divorces. My attorney had to instruct him on how to do collaborative mediation. Let's just say a LOT of the terms went my way on the final MSA. You can still interview more attorneys if you think you need one that has more experience in contested D battles.